Migraine

My boyfriend of about six months has chronic migraines. Thus far, they haven't been so bad, but this weekend, he had a really severe migraine that lasted four days. He was unable to accompany me to my family's Memorial Day picnic and he has been unable to do much of anything at all for days.

I've been reading posts from others here, who seem to be veterans at dealing with this kind of thing. I don't know what I'm doing at all.

I feel so guilty for having the emotions that I'm having. I'm angry and frustrated and sad.

Last night, even though I have been trying to keep these emotions from my boyfriend, because I do not want to hurt him anymore than he is already hurting, I just sort of exploded.

We had a long argument/discussion which was never resolved and is still bothering me right now. He accused me of being selfish, of thinking only of myself, when he is the one in pain. I tried to tell him that wasn't true, far from it, I have been worried and concerned about him for days and have been trying to do everything that I can to keep him somewhat comfortable, bringing him food and going out to get whatever he needs or just leaving him alone in the dark and not touching him. But even that sounded selfish, as if I should get some sort of reward for trying to be there for him when he is the one in excruciating pain.

I don't know what to do. I don't seem to be able to stop feeling so angry and frustrated with the migraine. I feel like the headache is stealing my boyfriend away from me.

Last night, I told him that I would work on finding a way to accept them. And I need to, because, even though we have only been dating for about six months, I am absolutely certain that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I joined this forum in the hopes of being able to tackle these issues and become a more supportive partner for my boyfriend. Reading some of the posts thus far have really helped. It is good to know that others out there have similar feelings.

Sorry my introductory post was such a long vent. It feels good to get it out, however.

Hello Valeriec80 and welcome to the forum family! It's great to have you here! When you have a moment, please stop by the Start Here Folder for important information and guidelines about the forum. Also, a great article to take a look at is:

Learning About Migraines - Where to Start

Please don't apologize for your post, we all know what it's like to get things off of our chests and let it all out! We're here not only to help educate you and your DBF, but to support you both as well.

I think that you're doing a fantastic job in helping your DBF while he's not feeling well. I know that I appreciate it more than words can express when my DH or my kids bring me water or food when I can't get them for myself. It means so very much to me that they care and they want to help.

You may want to talk to him when he's not in pain, maybe give him a day or two to recover from his Migraine. I know that it takes me a day to fully recover and I become very emotional during and after a Migraine, I can cry over any little thing.

I'm going to give you these articles to take a look at, I think you'll find them helpful:

Migraine Education for Those “Who Don’t Get It”

Understanding Migraines and Migraineurs

Welcome again! I look forward to seeing you and your DBF around the forum

Hi Valerie -

It's so great that you are seeking to understand and help. Your DBF is fortunate to have you. I'm sure it would be great to have a conversation with him about what you can do to support him, what he finds helpful, what he doesn't. Probably in the midst of the Migraine attack isn't the best time for that, and it's so good that you came here to vent. We all need to vent and sometimes it's hard to remember to vent to someone other than the person we live with! When the attack has passed I'm sure you guys can have a good talk about it.

Keep coming back, we're glad to have you!

- Megan

Hi, Valerie! Add droolie welcome smooshes to your pile!

Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. I'm sure a lot of the tension the last couple of days is a combo of the pain talking and the frustration of not quite knowing what to do. Neither of you were expecting this event, and you didn't really have any understanding of how best to deal with it in place ahead of time. That's nobody's fault.

Everyone's different in terms of what kind of support we want or need during attacks, and that can actually vary from attack to attack some, too. Some of us want our people nearby, and crave actual physical contact. Others of us are too irritable and hypersensitive during an attack, and need to be given some space. Sometimes we'll start out wanting contact, but as the migraine drags on and gets really snarly, that changes abruptly, to the point where we shy away. Most of us get really irritable and emotional as attacks get longer, and we can get pretty snappy, even though we don't mean it.

The thing about this, though, is that it's usually not very effective to try and establish what we need during an attack itself. We can get irrational, touchy, and all kinds of ugly when we're hurting. It's better to get through the attack and then iron out needs together during a less stressful period. When things get out of control and drag on, some of us get indecisive, unsure what to do or even what we need from moment to moment. It gets frustrating to no end trying to figure it out, and if we don't know, we can't begin to communicate it.

My advice is to give it a little time. Let him get past the migraine event, and when he's feeling back to normal, then you can discuss what to do together. I'm sure he knows you just wanted to help, and that you were frustrated because you didn't quite understand everything going on and what to do.

Thanks for the responses, everyone. Since the migraine has been over for a day, we are doing better. I appreciate everyone's advice, and will be using it in the future.

This is a wonderful place to have found. Thank you all.

You're so very welcome! I hope things keep looking up.

We look forward to getting to know you, so stick around, huh?

Add some more welcomes from me! In addition to what information the others have given you, I'll add one more tool- there's a folder on here just for significant others of Migraine/headache sufferers. It's totally private from the rest of the forum, and not even the moderators can get in there- just Teri and Nancy and the significant others who ask to have access to the folder.

It may help to talk with other significant others- I know my DH is signed up for that folder, and even though he has read all of the information that I provided for him, and knows what the "Migraine Monster" can do intellectually, sometimes, it's overwhelming to think of the loss of control over our lives by this disease. Perhaps this may be a place that you'd want to check out? If so, you'd need to email the lead expert, Teri Robert, at terimmc@helpforheadaches.com and just ask for access to that folder. Nice and easy!

Again, welcome, and your DBF is really lucky to have someone like you in his life!

quote:

Originally posted by valeriec80:


We had a long argument/discussion which was never resolved and is still bothering me right now. He accused me of being selfish, of thinking only of myself, when he is the one in pain. I tried to tell him that wasn't true, far from it, I have been worried and concerned about him for days and have been trying to do everything that I can to keep him somewhat comfortable, bringing him food and going out to get whatever he needs or just leaving him alone in the dark and not touching him. But even that sounded selfish, as if I should get some sort of reward for trying to be there for him when he is the one in excruciating pain.

I don't know what to do. I don't seem to be able to stop feeling so angry and frustrated with the migraine. I feel like the headache is stealing my boyfriend away from me.

Last night, I told him that I would work on finding a way to accept them. And I need to, because, even though we have only been dating for about six months, I am absolutely certain that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I can totally relate to this. When it gets really bad, my friend does not even talk to me for a few days, because he thinks he is "not worth it" while i think he is.

But I've just learned to accept him as he is, on good days aswell as on bad days, since it is not his fault that he has migraines and he is going through so much a lot of times, i simply want to show him that he is not alone with his pain, i want to show him that someone cares about him, no matter what.

He does not understand it always, and he always thinks I want something in return for caring as much as i do. But i don't. I just want that he is happy and that he knows that he can rely on me and that i am there for him whenever he needs me.

I'm not sure if we've "met" yet, but Hello!

I can relate to the thinking that your significant other is being "selfish". Sometimes, yes, it's justifiable, but I really don't think my DH is "selfish" when it comes to my Migraines.

It's really hard when someone you love does not understand what you are going through. It would be easier if it was a broken bone or something visible that would heal, but it's harder when it's an invisible illness.

You can't physically SEE a Migraine, but my DH says he can tell before I even let him know I'm in pain, that I'm hurting. He says it's in my eyes. Personally, I think it's because I start stumbling around the house and bumping into things, but he says it's my eyes.

I bet for you, you probably feel somewhat helpless when it comes to his Migraines. That's the way my husband feels. My husband gets angry, but not at me, at the fact he can't help me. I have to be honest, it was easier with a dislocated shoulder! I could say "help me with the laundry" "cut this up for dinner" - I still have him carry the laundry downstairs sometimes when I Migraine, just because lifting the basket makes my head pound.

My DH gets angry at my Migrianes. He wishes he could "punch them in the face" - then I remind him that would be my face and we both laugh. He wants to be whatever super hero it is that can read thoughts and some how extract the Migraine from my head with his super powers! LOL

Look over the articles that Laura gave you. They will really help you understand what your BF is going through. Also, there is another great analogy called The Spoon Theory that may help too. You can read the Spoon Theory: HERE

I think it's great that you've come here and are educating yourself on this disease to better help your boyfriend. He is very lucky to have you.

Please, if you have any questions at all, feel free to post them!

Also, there is a special folder for Significant Others Only - if you need to or want to discuss some things with other spouses or significant others of Migraineurs in a more private setting, feel free to email Teri for access to that folder. You can reach Teri at the email in her signature.

Welcome again!!! Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you!