Migraine

Hello

I was just wondering what one is supposed to do when teh one you care about is shutting you out of her life due to migraines. Has anyone else been here and if so what did you do. I don't want to push her as I love her but at teh same time I want to be there for her and hold her in my arms and assure her everything will be ok. I don't give up on people especailly the ones I love and this is what makes this so hard. One of her best friends suffers from migraines as well as she has told me to hang in there. I have to admit it's starting to kill me inside but I love her so much.

Hi Rob,

I'm so sorry your girlfriend is having such a tough time! We talk a lot about the impact migraines have on our families here--it's not just one person who has migraines, it's the whole family! I sure wish things were better--for both of you!!

I'm the migraine sufferer in my relationship, and I do exactly what you're talking about--I close myself off and block out everyone. I'm working hard at NOT doing this, because I've learned (by talking to everyone here) that honesty is the best policy in "migraine relationships." Please know that it is HARD for some of us to be honest about how we're feeling and what we need!

My husband calls from work often just to ask "How are you today?" My first instinct is to just say "fine" or "I'm getting along." But often that's just not the truth. He and I had a long talk and I learned that this was very hurtful to him. He was feeling very left out and angry that I wasn't letting him in. In my mind, I thought I was protecting him from all of the "migraine baggage" I carry along. Ridiculous, huh? Now I try my best to share my thoughts and feelings with him (as much as possible, anyway).

I'm thinking about something else as I write this post, though. Please don't take your girlfriend's behavior personally if she has to retreat to a dark room with quiet (with NOBODY around) when she's feeling really sick. For some of us migraineurs, dark, quiet time alone is our only way of coping. Sometimes I lie in bed alone, take a shower or bath in the dark, etc. I'm not trying to hurt my husband's feelings, but sometimes the pain is just so bad that I feel like I'm going to go crazy if anyone bothers me!

Also, sometimes when my husband touches me it actually hurts! I know he's trying to help and be there for me, but the migraine pain sometimes makes my whole body feel sick. At times like these, even a back rub (which I normally would LOVE ) can hurt a LOT!

I find that many of the medications I take affect me badly, too. Some medicines make me feel agitated, some seem to make me feel depressed and weepy. Sometimes I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel "not myself." Is your girlfriend taking any medicines with potential emotional side effects?

Those are just a few of my first thoughts.
Please try to hang in there! Tell her how you feel (gently). Ask her if there is anything you can do to help when she actually has a migraine. (Ask her this when she is feeling well--she'll be better able to talk with you when she's not in pain.) Does she like ice packs? Heating pads? A drink of Coke? Maybe if you have a "job" to do, it'll help you feel like you're helping in some way...

I know it's hard being a partner of a severe migraine sufferer. I feel bad for my DH all the time--he certainly didn't ask for this life. But you can make it through this together, if you talk and listen to one another.

I'll be thinking of you both!!

jenny

Rob,
You are already doing the right thing by showing your concern and not giving up. I can only tell you what helps my husband and my kids help me.

Bringing me water and food even when I say I don't want it. (I don't know why, but I try not to seem so "needy" when I'm in pain)

A gentle kiss or touch helps me remember how much I am loved.

Being told to feel better

Being told "I love you no matter what and I'm here if you need me."

These are just small things that mean so very much when I'm in pain.

I hope this helps a bit....

Jenny said things more perfectly than I could hope to.

And Laura's quite right, too. You are doing the very best thing you can. You are there, you care, and you are making a point of being a constant for her. It's hard for a lot of us to express when migraines are raging, but knowing that our people are there and committed means the world.

thanks everyone I'm trying and I'm hanging in there I'm giving her space as she wants but it's really hard I want to be there for her and do what I can and that's what makes this so hard. I'm hanging in though as I love her so much.

Hi Rob, you've gotten some great advice already. Did you get a chance to look at your other post in this folder? It looks like there was some other great advice there too. Your post is HERE in case you lost it.

Hey Rob,

First I want to introduce myself. My name is Dave and like you the love of my life suffers from migraine disease. When I first came to this forum I felt alone, like NOONE else could possibly understand how it feels to love someone so very deeply and see her in such pain.

Well, this forum has been a true blessing for both my wife and I. She is not alone in her struggles with her migraines and I am not alone either.

First of all I want to shake your hand (so to speak) for NOT walking away. It takes courage to stay and try to figure out how you and your lady are going to get through life TOGETHER despite her health.

If you are like me you want to FIX the pain, to make everything that comes with this horrible disease go away. I struggle with this on a daily basis, wishing I could find a way to take my Sol and cure all that ails her.

But I can't. *Takes a moment to let that comment soak in* I can't fix her migraines or her lupus or her pain. I can't. Even now it hurts me to say or write those words.

So, what CAN I do?

I can LOVE her but THAT is the easy part right? Rob, your love for your Lady flies off the page when you write so I know that its easy for you as well.

I can do little things like make sure her ice pack is kept cold in the freezer, that her sleeping mask is near the bed easy for her to reach, her sunglasses near the sleeping mask so she always knows where they are when the light gets to be too much, make sure the fridge is stocked with water and in my wife's case gateroade to help hydrate during (if she can stomach it) and after a bad migraine attack...

You get the idea. Like others have said it is important to talk to her when she is not having a migraine about the little things you can do to help. Often its hit or miss and that can be frustrating but the key is to not give up.

My wife tends to get clingy when she is spiking a high fever or feelings sick from her OTHER health issues. But when she gets a bad migraine attack she will often isolate herself. At first this really confused me as all I wanted to do was hold her and comfort her. It even hurt my feelings. I felt like she was putting up a wall and darn it when you LOVE someone there shouldn't be walls, right?

She later explained it to me. Her pain and syptoms are so intense that she "goes inside" herself and needs too inorder to help lessen her pain. Sometimes even me just gently touching her makes the pain worse during an attack.

She also gets emotionally drained during a bad attack and feels like she is a huge burden so she begins to push away. What do I do when she does this?

I tell her I love her. She is my everyting and that I am not going anywhere. Then after makng sure she has what she needs like the ice and the sleeping mask I gently close the door and go to the living room. I give her the space but she knows I am near.

I'm going to end for now Rob. I'm not sure if this helped but I hope that it has. You have come to the right place. This forum is truly priceless.

Peace,

Dave

Hey Rob!!

I just spent 20 minutes typing a reply to you but apparently I used a trigger word so hopefully the post will arrive sometime in the near future.

Just wanted you to know a post is coming...

Peace,

Dave

Dave, I have said this to you in the past but want to say it again: You are a wonderful, fantastic, compassionate man and husband. Reading your post brought tears of appreciation to my eyes.

It takes time and patience to understand how each of us are effected by migraines and you and Sol have got that connection with each other that make it work that much more.

Thank you for writing this, it was open and honest and made me appreciate my husband that much more.

Hugs to you both

Thanks Dave. What you'ce said makes total sense and I'm trying that as we speak. The past few weeks have been goo dwe've been talking more and I'm trying to understand more of her needs as well as to what I can do to help. I'd be happy to hear any more sdvice if you have any.

thanks for everything Dave

Hey Rob!!

Just checking in wondering how things are going with you and your girl?

Know that you are in my thoughts and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know.

Peace,

Dave

Rob, you are doing the best thing you can. Give her space when she wants, but be there when she needs.

I have the same issue w/ my DBF. His issue is w/ depression. I know the frustration of wanting to help and there being nothing you can do. Never push too hard, but I will say sometimes you have to push a little.

Often people who are in pain (myself included) don't like to seem needy or demanding or inconvience anyone. What I try to do is if he rebuts me once, I try a second time. If he rebuts the second time, I back off. Truth is, he almost NEVER rebuts the second time.

That little extra push can sometimes help.

I hope your girl gets better soon, and good for you for being such a DBF.