Migraine

My friend has been having migraines since childhood (he's in his 20's now) and a lot of times I don't really know what to do or say to make him feel better.

Sometimes he has those phases when he thinks that he is useless because he can't go to work and can't do things that others can. In those situations I simply just want to hug him and tell him that he is NOT useless, but he usually wants to be alone then.

Also sometimes, when he's in a rough phase with his migraines, and people ask how he's doing he simply doesn't answer the question (probably because he doesn't want to be a burden to others, and doesn't want that people worry about him).

So my question is, how can I say it that I love him anyway, even with his migraines and that I'm there for him whenever he needs me, no matter how bad his situation is. And that he is definately not useless, but still a very sweet person.

BJ,
First and formost what a great person you are to be so caring and want to understand more of what you friend needs and is going through. I will post some links for you, but my first thought is to talk to him when he not migraining to help determine the kind of help he does need when the migraine is happening.

Everyone reacts to migraines differently and has different needs when they are migraining. I like ice, coffee (with a straw)and my dogs. My boyfriend can lay down next to me with a hand on me, but he can't move. And heaven forbid he asks me too often for what I need!!!

Migraine Education link will take you to a page with a number of articles explaining more about migraines, their treatment etc. This may help you better understand what he is going through.

Good luck and stay in touch!!

Cindy

quote:

And heaven forbid he asks me too often for what I need!!!

Well, that's just a natural instinct, since we want to protect our loved ones and help them as good as possible.

But it is hard to find out what we actually can do if no one says anything. ><

BJ, welcome to the forum. We're glad you found us.

One of the best things you can do is to educate yourself about migraines, and encourage your friend to educate himself, too. A couple of good books could help a lot. Here are a couple of reviews:

"Living Well With Migraine Disease and Headaches" - Review

"Migraine and Other Headaches" - Review

And this article will help as well:

• Learning About Migraines and Headaches - Where To Start

Another source of education, of course, is this forum and web site. I hope you and your friend will both feel very welcome here.

Drop by the Start Here folder for information that will make your use of the forum the best experience it can be. Keep the questions and experiences coming. We are glad you joined us.

BJ,

Hello and welcome! Cindy's right, you truly are a great person to be so caring about your friend.

The best thing to do is ask your friend what they need when they are in pain. We all have our own comfort measures that we use. Here's a link to our Toolbox. It has little things we do for ourselves to help us get through the pain of the Migraine.

I think the thing that helps me the most is just knowing that someone cares. A gentle hug or kiss, a bottle of water or a cold Coke means the world to me when I can't get it on my own. The tiniest gestures seem so large when I'm in pain.

I hope you'll keep coming back and that you're friend will join too

Thanks for the replies an articles.

It's still very hard for me to know what I can do to help when my sweetie isn't feeling well. I notice when he feels miserable, but usually he doesn't say anything at all then and just wants to be left alone.

Don't worry, you're doing a great job by educating yourself, standing by your friend and by coming here.

We're here for you too! So, hang in there!

How very lucky he is to have you!!!

I love Laura's suggestion about doing little things that we know are really the big things!! I'm like Cindy in that I hate to be asked questions when I don't feel well, but oh how I appreciate the gestures such as a coke, an icepack, the touch of a hand, someone walking around my house pulling out all the nightlights!

I'm sure you are doing much more for him than you'll ever realize!!

I am at my wit's end, too.

My wife of 3+ years has been having migraines for the last two years. She is currently under the care of Dr. Traci Purath in Milwaukee. A shot to the occipital nerve helped the "stabby" pain, and botox treatments have helped for the past few months. Treximet as a rescue med worked the best, but is not covered under our insurance so she now takes Frova, but that doesn't work as well or as quickly (or for as long as Treximet does).

However, the botox has worn off and her next injection cycle is next week. The headache came back with a vengance late last week, and we even took a trip to the ER and an IV of Dilauded. That helped her enough that day, but the headaches are back (we are trying to get into see Dr. Purath today).

My problem is that I - as doting husband - seem to be not doing enough. I've seen the other threads on this forum and others, and I've been nailing them all... making sure the icepacks are loaded, facemask ready in both the bedroom and living room, I know where the resuce meds are at anytime, I make scarce when she locks herself in the bedroom, etc.

However when the headache are in that "getting there" and "starting to subside" range is when my wife is quite mean. I am sure that the constant headaches are a strain, that she feels like she is letting her employer down, that the day-to-day "stuff" that she normally does isn't getting done. But she takes it out on me... not physically, but emotionally. Last night she was ranting about something that - in the big picture isn't important - but she was obsessed with it. I tried not to take it personally, but at some point even a saint can get fed up. I made the mistake of starting a sentence with "I understand that your headaches..." It was the worst thing I could have said.

Big picture; I need not only some coping strategies for myself, but what can I say to my wife when her headaches trigger such anger? Last night I was trying to tell her that I understood and I ended up sleeping on the couch. Of course, this affects me at work (where I am typing this instead of working) and when my childen from my first marraige come over. My wife is being tended to by Dr. Purath and myself, but nobody is tending to me.

The last 3 days were pretty rough again for my sweetie. He barely said anything and when he did say something, then it was usually something negative about himself...

Why is it so hard to convince people that they are still sweet and loveable, even when they are sick?

quote:

Originally posted by M.James:
However when the headache are in that "getting there" and "starting to subside" range is when my wife is quite mean. I am sure that the constant headaches are a strain, that she feels like she is letting her employer down, that the day-to-day "stuff" that she normally does isn't getting done. But she takes it out on me... not physically, but emotionally. Last night she was ranting about something that - in the big picture isn't important - but she was obsessed with it. I tried not to take it personally, but at some point even a saint can get fed up. I made the mistake of starting a sentence with "I understand that your headaches..." It was the worst thing I could have said.

Big picture; I need not only some coping strategies for myself, but what can I say to my wife when her headaches trigger such anger? Last night I was trying to tell her that I understood and I ended up sleeping on the couch.

I know exactly how you feel. It's really hard for both sides when something like that happens. A lot of times, my sweetie says things or does things that he usually wouldn't say or do, and which he is sorry for once he realises that he said them, ...but I think sometimes he is just in so much pain that he can't even control himself. But I love him so much, so I easily forgive him those situations, because they are not really his fault.

quote:

Originally posted by M.James:
Big picture; I need not only some coping strategies for myself, but what can I say to my wife when her headaches trigger such anger?

There's nothing you can say really, because when your wife isn't feeling well, she might understand it wrong and just gets more angry.

So I think - it may sound silly, i know - you should just hang in there in those situations, tell your wife that you love her (even in those situations) and offer her a hug if she feels like it.

Hi, MJames, welcome to the forum. We're glad you found us.

It sounds like your wife is lucky to have such a caring husband. However, you need to take care of yourself, or, as you put it, "even a saint" couldn't be there for your wife. Is there a way you could seek out support and counseling? Do you have an EAP through work, perhaps? In the end, you may need to talk to your wife about her behavior and how it affects you, but if possible, you need to find a migraine-free time to do so. Migraines do strange things to brain chemistry, and she's not going to be in the best position to think clearly or listen to you when she has a migraine.

Would you like to use the Significant Others Only folder of this forum? Only the significant others, Teri, and Nancy are allowed in that folder. That way, if your wife decided to use the forum, you would still have a private place to express your feelings. If you are interested, email Teri Robert at the email address in her forum signature.

And you may want to encourage your wife to use this forum. The support here could give her an opportunity to express her own feelings, and could also help her feel hopeful. Those things might end up helping you as well.

Please take a look at the Start Here folder, so that you get the most out of your use of the forum. Then, take a look at this article:

• Learning About Migraines and Headaches - Where To Start

Take care of yourself. We are glad you joined us.

Hi M.James and welcome to the forum family! We're so glad you found us and decided to share your story.

We Migrainuers can be difficult creatures to understand sometimes. I believe it comes from frustrustion over our disease and being in pain, and those of us who seek out the forum are normally in pain quite often. The more we educate ourselves, the less frustrated we become. That may hold true for your wife too. I think you both would benefit from reading this article:

Anatomy of a Migraine

It explains that there is a lot more than just pain to a Migraine attack.

You mentioned that your wife takes Frova as a rescue medication. That's actually an abortive medication. I know with all the meds out there, it can be confusing to keep them all straight. Reading this article should help:

Preventive, Abortive, and Rescue Medications - What's the Difference?

Again, welcome to the forum! I look forward to seeing more of you and your wife. Remember, if you have any questions, just ask. We're here to help you and support you!

Thank you all for the kind words. Yesterday, in my role as "saint" ) I performed admirably. We got into see her doctor (who yelled at her for letting it go so long without calling in, especially when the Dilauded IV didn't help). When we got to the doctor's office, she still wasn't happy with me, but by the time we left, she said she was glad I was there.

The doctor gave her Tramadol IM and it worked very well. She had the hangover effect last night, but she is back to work today. Her doctor changed her scrip, this time giving her Imatrex and also a scrip for Naproxyn (which together make up Treximet, but individually make our insurance happy).

She has a botox treatment scheduled for next week. Last time, the botox stopped the migraines for 10 weeks. She is hoping for another mid-term of relief.

On a different note, I see some of your signatures have "X days since last migraine". I have had a couple of migraines, but mine are years apart. Therefore, I sign off "Migraine free since Spring 2006".