Migraine

Gaaaaahhhh! I'm coming off of a horrible week - dealing with a new medication regimen. I hit the wall a few days ago and began getting discouraged, but am working on sticking it out.

My husband is getting more and more discouraged and hopeless about my state now. I absolutely know that he's thinking my hospitalization and med change was a bad idea. He keeps saying, "You've been in really bad shape since you came home", which in some ways is true. I'm trying to communicate clearly about what I can and can't do and keep him in the loop.

I know he's really stressed by picking up all the slack in household and child care, as well as working full-time, and I'm trying to understand his feelings. I can also see why he's refraining from saying, "This was a terrible idea" - the hospitalization is a done deal, after all, and I told him he had veto power over it, which he chose not to exercise.

However, I really need him to encourage me and tell me to stick it out and keep going. His mood is making me want to hide and pretend I don't feel horrible when I actually do, and I know that isn't going to do anybody any good.

I do NOT need this extra stress right now. I'm scared enough as it is. I'm trying to feel compassion for his position, but right now I just want to give him a good kicking ...

Help?

Lynne

Lynne- My ex-husband suffered from chronic migraines, so I have been on the "other side" of this disease as well. All I can say is that it is hard to see someone you care about suffer so much and pretty much be helpless to do much about it, other than do all the housework, offer water, ice bags, medications, etc....Then it comes to the point that you are tired yourself physically and emotionally, and at that juncture it crosses over to frustration, at least it did for me. Looking back I think it would have done me a LOT of good to seek outside support, whether it be from this website, meeting with our doctor, asking for help from friends, etc. In other words, your husband needs some information about this disease and support. I know you need it, but he needs it too- otherwise, you will suffer as well-it's like a ball rolling down a hill, once it gains momentum it's hard to stop. This phase will pass. I know you're in a lot of pain right now and I am so sorry- here's a big hug You need a lot of support as well, and you will always find it here- please let us know what is going on, okay?

Valerie

Valerie,

That is exactly what I need to hear - the outside perspective. I really do know that my husband is in an incredibly difficult situation and I am truly grateful for all he has done to deal with this illness. He was doing a good job reaching out for support before I went into the hospital - the thing that concerns me is that he seems to be shutting down again.

I just talked with a friend on the phone (had to cancel lunch plans because I'm too sick today - which was another bummer), and she was helping me sort through both sides of how hard it is for me to take this risk of trying new meds. I know how easy it is for my husband and I to spiral down together ... I don't want that to happen now.

I followed through with my promise to the hospital staff to set up appointments with my therapist weekly for awhile - I'll see her tomorrow. I think tonight I'm going to talk with my husband and tell him that if he needs to shut down for awhile at home because he's overwhelmed, it's OK with me, as long as I know he's not doing it all the time. Otherwise, he's going to get a big talking to about how he needs all the support he can garner, and a threat that I'll call his mother if he doesn't!

It's both a good and a bad thing that he's extremely well-educated about familial hemiplegic migraine - he knows what to expect, but the outlook over the lifespan is rather bleak.

I just feel so guilty about inflicting this illness on my family. On my bad days, I wish I'd never gotten married or had kids. I'd rather suffer alone than take people down with me. I know that's not my rational side talking, but I feel like such a burden.

Ah well. I will try to focus on raising my mood, making sure I can feed the family today, and saving up my energy for the family. It's the best I can do.

Thanks for your kindness and your advice. I will remember it when my husband comes home tonight.

Lynne

You're welcome, Lynne- it sounds like you guys have a great marriage, and you have alot of maturity as a person. Thanks for all you've given to this forum.We're looking forward to hearing from you-and how your new meds are working! Here's some more hugs !

Valerie

Valerie,

Since you had given me such good advice I was all ready to speak kindly with my husband and tell him that if he needed to be a bit shut down at home that was OK with me and I'd just wait till he felt less discouraged. I planned to tell him that I really hoped he was continuing to get support at work and from friends, because I was more concerned about him at this point than I was about myself. ...

And then he came home, in a good mood and totally engaged, offering to do housework that I actually was able to do. He then fixed two of our doors that really needed work, talked away at me about work-related stuff, and was a good egg.

And I thought, "Wow. I think he came to the same conclusion I did". I didn't even really need him to offer support. I just needed him to be himself.

It was awesome. And with great timing. But I'm glad you said what you did, because when he did come home in good mental space, I was ready to meet him there.

So thanks again for the look from the other side. He's got a hard row to hoe here...

Lynne

Lynne- Like I said in my other post- I could tell you two have a great marriage- what a gift! He sounds like a treasure- as YOU are also! What a great testimony to your children!Hope you're feeling better tomorrow!

Valerie