Migraine

I have read these forums for several months now. First I wanted to say thank you to everyone here. This forum lead me to a wonder doctor who I know will finally help me get these migraines under control. I feel very lucky that I found Dr Krusz.

I hope its ok that my first post is a vent, but I really could use some help and support. I have had migraines for years and years. I am a stay at home mom with 2 young boys. Today I had another migraine. My husband has been working from his office here at home all week. So, I asked if he could please help me and stay home this afternoon as he was already here this morning. This way I could take something before the migraine got too bad and rest to let it hopefully go away. Well he at first said yes, then came back saying he got an email from his boss making him go in. He then tells me its just for a few hours but ends up staying there for the rest of the day, then coming home later then usual. All the while I of course was taking care of the kids, unable to take anything that would help because I need to be alert for them.

I am so frustrated. Whenever I get sick he gets mad at me. This type of day has happened so many times. Everytime he has had to take me to the ER I have gotten chewed out. When I needed an IV treatment at Dr K I got chewed out. I'm tired. I feel so alone, and I am trying not to cry. I just feel so depressed and frustrated. If I didn't have my boys that need me Id strongly consider something drastic. I'm so sick of living like this. Any advice?
-Amy

I really feel for your situation- I used to stay at home with my kids too, and it's the hardest job I've ever done(but rewarding as well).It sounds as if you may not get the support from your husband that you need- so I was wondering if it were possible for someone to take care of your children while you were re-cuperating from your migraine? Maybe a neighbor, relative, or someone you could hire. That old saying- "you can't take care of others unless you take care of you"- is definitely true in this situation. I don't know how young your children are, but when I'm in the middle of a migraine, I'm definitely not able to function normally, much less take care of 2 small children- I don't see how you've done it up to this point. As far as your husband is concerned, he may need some counseling or a support group regarding this matter. This is definitely a tough situation.

Amy welocme,
You can start in the forum anywhere you want. If you need to vent first, than vent away!! Please don't every apologize for the need to vent. Migraine disease takes its toll on us all. I'm 51, I've had migraines since I was in my late teens. I've been "lucky" they were controled for many years mainly staying off birth control pills. Not so much now.

But this is about you, not me. I of course cannot find the articles I wish to share with you that might help your husband. Maybe he doesn't really understand what migraines are. Education can go along way toward understanding what you deal with. I am hopeful one of the other forum members will link in the article for you. Until he understands you have a tough road. Counseling may or maynot be effective if he is not willing to admit you have a disease and not just a headache. You sound very familar with the forum so you may well know where the educational articles are.

How often do you get migraines? Are you on prevenatives? Valerie's suggestion of working with friend, neighbor, or a relative to help with your children when you need to take an abortive is an excellent idea. If that is not an option, are your kids old enough for any kind of drop in care at a day care center you have checked out and approved? Usually the sooner you can take the abortive the sooner you can be back to yourself and your family. Starting your treatment sooner may also prevent those ER visits your husband does not like.

I know my DBF did not really understand much until I sent him some links from the site. He had not really even heard of migraines until he met me. He is basically a compasionate man, so once he understood the disease, he could understand what I was going through. Could that happen for you?

Take good care Amy,

Cindy

Hi Amy, and welcome. You don't need to apologize for starting in the Vents folder. It's here for a reason - because we all need to vent and share with others who understand what we're going through.

Teri wrote a helpful article, which may give you ideas on how to talk to your husband. You can find that HERE. I believe this is the link Cindy was looking for.

We also have a number of old threads on similar issues. You can use the Search box at the top of the page to look for them. I'll also link you to one HERE.

You're doing all the right things, in getting the best possible care for yourself from one of the top specialists. This is a difficult disease to deal with. I know others will have suggestions for you as well.

Hang in there - we're here for you.

Would your husband be willing to go along with you to your next doctor's appointment? I know with his work schedule this may be a long shot, but hearing a diagnosis from a medical professional might help him to see the seriousness of your health situation. My husband went with me to my last one and until he heard out of a doctor's mouth that what I had was a disease did it really hit home how this is not"just another headache". Just a thought. We're here for you!

Hi Amy,

First, no drastic thoughts here! Take a BIG breath, sit back, and read the posts here! There are MANY of us who understand what you're going through...and we've got lots of support for you!

I'm a stay-at-home Mom with two little boys...AND I have chronic migraine with aura. (I have pain everyday nad nausea/vomiting too often to even think about.) I also have a husband who works VERY long hours and usually doesn't get home til about 7:30PM. I really feel for you! I know just how hard it can be to have chronic pain AND be a good mother, too.

I think honesty is the most important thing when we're feeling sick. You've gotta tell your husband how you feel, even if he is crabby about it. AND you've gotta tell him if you are much too sick to care for your sons. Do you have family or friends nearby? You may have to make others aware of your difficulties and ask for their support (I know I don't like doing that, but sometimes I simply have to--for the sake of my kids!).

You really DO need to involve your husband in your care as much as he will allow. As the others have suggested, you may want to take him to appointments with you. I know it's tough to do that when you've got small kids, but he'll really gain a better understanding of migraine disease if he visits Dr. K. with you.

As far as his crabbiness when you feel ill, I'll bet he's more angry with your migraine disease than with you. We all become frustrated when we see our partner in pain. And, unfortunately, it's sometimes easier to holler at him/her than to be kind and sympathetic. When you're feeling well one day, it may help if you talk with him about how he treats you when you need to go to the ER. It won't help to discuss it when he's angry and you're in pain--but it may get through to him if you're both feeling calm and well.

I'll be happy to talk with you more about this anytime!

jenny

Hi, Amy!

I'm sorry things are so rough on this front for you. Of course it's fine to go ahead and vent with your first post. That's what you need right now. No need to feel badly about that.

I'm not the best around here to suggest anything whenever it comes down to a husband that doesn't understand. I luckily didn't have to go through that with the one I had. He was out of the picture before the whole multilple chronic ick thing bombarded me. It was just as well, though, since I'm positive he wouldn't have understood.

Now, I've never met the great Dr. K, but I still know that if there's any doctor out there that was perfect for taking someone along to an appointment with, he's right up there. I think Valerie's spot on when she suggests your husband go along with you to an appointment. This is way different than accompanying you to the ER, where you get the luck of the draw for docs and then are sent on your way. Dr. K is invested in your long-term care. He can attest to how challenging this all can be and how hard you are working day to day.

Hello Amy,

I can Relate. I have two boys but they are now almost grown up!16 & 20yrs old.
I suffered for 12 years as a "CLOSET MIGRAINER" not asking for help and going crazy, thinking many times I could not go on living. You are way ahead of me!
by joining this website! Teri Robert has so many helpful links
to make your husband realize this is a REAL DISEASE. When I showed the facts especially the MRI photos to my husband, I think he finally accepted the fact there was no magic pill to make MIGRAINES go away forever in one day. Since then, he has been alot more understanding and I do ask for help which has made life for me better! I also found a wonderful friend who suffers with migraines and we help each other out with meals & anything we can. That is a lifesaver!
Hang in there, Good luck
Trish

AMY,
I also forgot to mention that my boys now that they are ALMOST grown
do appreciate the stay-at-home part. It was really hard to do at times with migraines, but they remember the fun times(jumping on mom when she played dead laying on the floor) Seriously, they did turn out great and we are really close. They have alot of sympathy for people with illness or disabilities!
Trish

Don't feel bad about your first post being a vent. I think mine was! And you have quite a bit more to vent about than I do.

I agree with everyone that you should take your husband with you to an appointment. Or maybe sit him down to read this form for 20-30 minutes. It might help him to see how disabling/ depressing/ frustrating this condition is. If not.... here's another idea... lol... just kidding!

I'm sorry to hear you get chewed out though. I find it very upsetting when I read the people who are supposed to love and support you "in sickness and in health" aren't doing it. It is more common than you would think....

I hope things get better, keep us posted and welcome to the forum! When you can't get support anywhere else, you can always find it here..

Amy--

Your story sounds so much like mine that I want to cry with you. But we can't do that--makes the monsters worse you know. Jenny's advice is so right on that I won't repeat any of what she said except NO DRASTIC IDEAS PLEASE--it doesn't really help anyway.

With my husband, who was in the Air Force, and is lousy about expressing his emotions, it turned out that the anger was not directed toward me but towards his frustration at not being able to stop my suffering. He believes with all his heart and soul that he should be able to protect me from EVERYTHING bad, and to see me suffer with the migraine monster made him feel so powerless that sometimes he would "depart the fix" (air force term for chickening out and going somewhere else), or seem to get mad at me for having the headaches and needing treatment that took hours to get in the ER. (He was mad at the ER for making us wait).

We didn't work out all of the above just by talking. It took a psychologist and counseling to help us see what was really going on. I was ready for a divorce once the kids were older.

I did have a great neurologist and going with me to appointments did make a huge difference in the way he viewed my headaches. I think at first (I had had them at least 15 years before they were diagnosed) he figured I was just trying to avoid sex, etc.

Tracie

Thanks so much everyone for the kind and supportive responses. I have tried talking to Paul and I did ask him to come with me to my next visit with Dr K which is April 30th. He says he might have to travel out of state then, so we will see.

Cindy, you asked about preventatives.. I take Zanaflex and Verapamil. When the weather is getting bad Ill take extra doses of Zanaflex during the day. When the migraines hit I have hydrocodone if needed. I have already tried imitrex, zomig, frova, maxalt, and a number of others that I cant think of offhand. For preventatives I have already tried topamax, zonegran, and propanolol. Nothing so far has worked. I only started seeing Dr Krusz about a month and a half ago so we are just starting on things.

My biggest triggers are the weather, when its that time of month, and loud noises or simply bending over too many times in a row while cleaning. Dr K thinks its the fluid pressure in my head that is a big culprit. Another trouble I have is that both eyes have a disease called keratoconis. That makes them blurry which also adds to the migraines.

As for help, I do know of a safe daycare place that I can drop the boys off anytime I need, but that means driving which I dont feel safe doing when a nasty one comes on. Also, I feel very guilty since I am a stay at home mom. All my friends work so there is nobody I can call to come over and help. So, really I am on my own. Plus with the youngest being 20 months, I don't feel comfortable leaving him. The eldest is 4. so he does alright though.

Sorry it took me so long to reply. This weekend was very bad, so I could not see or think clearly enough to type.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! I really needed the support and to know that someone cares. My husband is a good guy, but he just gets so stressed. Work is hard enough on him without him having to deal with my issues too. I think he gets more mad at not being able to help much then at me, though he does take it out by griping at me sometimes.
-Amy

Amy,

I'm a bit late on this but I'm glad you seem to be doing better. So, please let me send out a big, warm welcome to you!!

Don't worry about your first post being a vent, that is what we are here for, to lift you up when you're feeling down.

My DH gets frustrated at the disease but I mistook it for being frustrated with me. After much inner debate, I finally sat him down and had a heart to heart talk with him about migraine disease and helped him understand a bit more about what I go through. I also implemented some ideas to help him understand. I put up a color-coded magnet board to let everyone in the house know how I feel. You can read about it Here and I put up a dry erase board in our bedroom you can read about Here. I know, a littly nutty, but, it works

I look forward to seeing you around the forum. Take care!!

Amy,

I wanted to say welcome to posting.

Lots of warm s. You are not alone. We're here for you. So glad you shared.

Look forward to seeing you posting as you can.

Kelly

Amy,

I wanted to check in and see how you are feeling. Please let us know, ok?