Migraine

I need to vent or cry or shout or explode!

I have a common migraine and it’s been 9 days since my last migraine & 6 days since my first visit to a migraine specialist. My doctor is great, the meds seem to be working but I’m on steroids and those meds are working overtime on my emotions. Its driving me & my dh crazy & affecting my 4 year old daughter, and its only been 6 days. It feels like forever.

I’m so angry with my husband and the lack for support after all that I’ve been through with him through his own medical problems; I expect the 110% in return yet all I get is frustration, anger and annoyance and intolerance & a lack of understanding. What happened to our in sickness and in health vows?

I’m a stay-at-home mum with 2 young children, 15mths & 4 years old and my husband is just starting his own business and working from home. We’ve moved from a comfortable employment in Dubai where we lived for the past 5 years, to Singapore, risking everything in order for us to realise our dream of owning our business. We have to scale down our lifestyle & really watch every cent we spent. He’s worried when his next 2 orders are coming in this year and the impact it will have on us if they don’t , so I understand the immense pressure he’s under.

However it doesn’t give him to right to be unsupportive when it comes to my problems. Every time I have an attack it feels like a real inconvenience for him and he annoyingly tells me to go lie down, thinking that will solve all problems. He’s going to looking after the kids for 30mins tops and will feel the need to get back to work, then he’ll get annoyed because he can’t, so from the tone of his voice I know it’s better for everyone that I power through the attack (with or without rescue meds) until the kids are in bed then I can concentrate on myself. This is usually why my attacks last for 3 days.

My husband has been to see a neuro with me before and he’s been with me when I’ve had one of my worst attacks that sent me to the ER so he knows what an attack does to me but it hasn’t made him more sympathetic. The first neuro didn’t work out so I found a migraine specialist and went to see him on my own and was prescribed tons of meds and with it steroids for a week. My dh asks me about the visit but then glazes over when I start to tell him more about it, he said that he’s just glad I’m fixing it because he’s too busy & can’t afford for me to have another migraine attack. Sounds really loving doesn’t it?

This past 6 days while on steroids has been hell and I totally understand that it’s the chemicals playing with my head: I’m irritable, angry, easily annoyed, snapping at everyone, argumentative and just not very nice to be around with. I know that but he doesn’t have to keep reminding me about it does he? He’s last comment before bed was that he was tired of having his head snapped off my me (I did snap at him but I can’t control it). I retorted that I wished he was more supportive and silence & after he made no attempt to talk to me again I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down.

I’ve got one more day of steroids to take. I hope that will scale down the craziness but my dh being unsupportive, I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if I go head on with him I’ll say things I’ll regret.

Thanks for listening.


Catharine

Catharine- First of all I am so sorry for all of the pain you have gone through and are going through both physically and emotionally. It sounds like you're carrying a huge burden, and I am so glad you are able to communicate all that you have been through so that we know. It literally breaks my heart to read your post- I've been on steroids this past week myself, and it hasn't been fun. Hopefully your system will get back to normal in a few days. Please let us know how you are doing, and know that we're here for you!
Valerie

Catharine,

I just wish I could help you more get through these last couple of days on this medication. It has been so very hard on you. I'm glad you found the forum when you did and you feel free to share your feelings with us. You will get through this episode. I know it's so hard for you with no support from your husband. Don't ever hesitate to write us.

When you have gotten through this battle with the steroids can you and your husband sit down and talk about what has happened and what you both need to help each other through all of this? You are having health problems, you have both taken on the risk of a new business. There is alot going on for you. It's a thought after you have gotten through this.

Take care Catharine,

Cindy

Thanks,

I hear you and I agree that I need to wait till the steroids wear off before I have any discussions with dh & before I am capable of hearing what dh's point of view without flying into a blind rage.

Oh Catharine, I wish I could give you a real hug but I'll have to give you some virtual ones instead.

This disease is hard enough on its own, but add in the normal pressures of life - marriage, kids, job - and it just seems overwhelmingly impossible at times. I'm with Cindy, I'm so glad you found us when you did. At least we can offer you an outlet here to share your feelings without fear of us lashing out at you. Do know that we will ALWAYS be here for you, so please come post often, as much as you need.

Have you seen this article before? Migraine and Headache Education for Those Who "Don't Get It"

I know there's a lot of other stuff going on here for you, too, not the least of which is the business stress. But take a look through that article, maybe it will give you some new ideas. On the second page is a link to a letter Teri has written for migraineurs.

I wish I could do more for you. But do know that we'll never abandon you, 'roid rage or otherwise.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I too am a stay at home mom to a 20 month old and a 4 year old. Its very hard on you and your little ones when you are in pain. The main thing that keeps me going is just taking a minute to give my boys a big hug and think about how cute they are at this age, and how lucky we are that we can be home with them. I know that driving is near impossible during an attack, but perhaps just put on a good TV show (noggin is great!) for them and try to relax some on the couch or easy chair.

You are a strong, loving, wonderful person, mother, and wife! Don't ever forget that. My DH too is not too supportive, especially when his work gets very stressful. It sounds like things are extremely stressful on you both right now. Hopefully things will eventually work out, and get easier on you both. I agree that once those horrible steroids are out of your system, it would be good to have a sit down with him. If he glazes over again on you, stop him. Tell him right then and there that you love him so much and NEED him. That at least should make him stop and think about how he is treating you.

Perhaps one night when you are feeling alright, and the kids are in bed, you and your DH can do some snuggling on the couch or in bed while watching a fun movie. Give yourselves some time to enjoy each other and relax. Maybe not even talk so much at the time, just hold each other.

I am glad you are seeing a specialist. I truly hope they can help you get those awful attacks under control. You are doing everything you can. Don't loose hope! This place is full of support and help for you. Thank goodness there is so much doctors are learning now to help us.

big hugs!
-Amy

Catharine,

One thing that happens to me during the migraine process, which it sounds like it's happening to you with this medication is that I get extreemly short, snappy and quick to bite off DH's head...and for no reason. Everything becomes his fault - even though he is doing nothing out of the ordinary. Don't get me wrong - I still get angry with him, I feel he should still learn more about this disease that we will both be living with, since it does effect both of us.

What I did was explain to him. "look, this is how I get when I am prodrome - please if you see me doing it, call me out on it, but in a nice way." He has gotten much better with this instead of just snapping back, knowing that I cannot control my moods sometimes during this phase - and if he knows this, then he also knows that means I'm probably going to feel a heck of a lot worse in a day or so.

I know this may not be the same situation if yours is just from the steroids, but still something to keep in mind if you find it happening with any of these new medications you've mentioned, or if it is a prodrome effect for you too.

I'm going to play devils advocate for a second. It's probably difficult for him to understand where you are coming from because he does not get migraines or know what that process is like. He may have seen you go through an attack, but he doesn't fully "get it" and how painful they can be. Sometimes I think it's easier for men (sorry guys!) to turn a blind eye for what they don't understand, not because they don't care, but because they don't want to see us in pain. That doesn't mean that they won't be sypothetic - that's probably his way of being that way when he tells you to go lay down - he probably is thinking if you feel that bad, why are you up doing stuff?

Yeah, us women tend to go, go, go! We keep suffering through until we finally drop - it may then make it difficult for someone to understand how much pain we are really in.

First thing - you need to take care of yourself. Yes, you have children and I know that is difficult, but you need to be healthy for them.

Make sure your next specialist appointment - DH is going with you! I think this is so important! This makes things real. I know you said he has gone with you before, but now you are going to a new doctor, so things are changing and you need his support and he should be there.

I hope you are doing better today! I've written a novel so I'm going to go now. Wishing you well!!! And here is lot's of +

Please keep us posted on how you are feeling.

You really need to sit your husband down and have a heart to heart with him about this issue. I don't think that he really is understanding your position.

Even under optimal care, for some of us, migraine just don't "go away". They might scale back, but depending on how your disease presents itself and which triggers you have, you're going to get a migraine from time to time.

Migraines don't quit. You cannot see them. That's why the fight is so hard and why you need support from your husband in order to deal with it. It's not just something you can get rid of right away despite seeing a doctor, and he has to understand that.

Eileen's right, the best way to get him to understand this is to have him go to your appointment with you. I went through the same thing. My husband has always been supportive during an attack, but he was of the opinion that migraines were just headaches and that was that. So when I finally made him go, it really sunk in for him that this was a disease. Over the past year (and especially the past few months!) he's had to take on more household responsibilities. Now he cooks, cleans the dishes, does the bathroom, picks up the living room, etc., when before he left it all to me. I'm proud of him, and it helps me stay a little more stress-free. But I also know he gets frustrated with it too.

It's possible that your husband may want to be more active in supporting you, but he may not know how to do so. So it's up to you to guide him and tell him what you need explicitly. I've been there before with the bad side effects from drugs making me abhor everyone and everything, so I know what it's like. But I kept telling myself that it was only the meds, only the meds, I'm not really like this...And it helped a lot. I was able to keep my tongue in check, you know, "If you haven't got anything nice to say..."

I hope you're feeling better! Take care!

Virtual hugs!

You're in a bad situation. You both have more stress than anyone deserves to have. It's hard to handle stress when you feel horrible, especially when your meds are messing with your moods.

I'm not sure I have many suggestions. Perhaps writing a letter to him might help. When my DH and I went through Marriage Prep in the Catholic Church -- 27 years ago -- some of the materials were questions that we were supposed to answer. We wrote down our answers and then traded papers. It gave us an opportunity to be truly honest, without being cut off by the other person. This might help with your DH, but if you don't want to give it to him, it might help you organize your thoughts. I hope that coming here helps you vent and lower your stress levels.

Other than that, I want you to know that I care about you. I can't imagine moving to a new country to start a new business. We're so settled that we're still in our first house that we bought 25 years ago.

Hang in there!

Gretchen in Mississippi