Migraine

Hi guys,

I'm wondering if you could spare some prayers for my very close friend. Well, actually, the prayers are more for her kids...

She was married for 15 years and had three kids. She got divorced last year. Ugly divorce, lots of fighting over $$, kids caught in the middle, etc.

Since getting divorced, she has constantly met man after man AND brought them all home to meet her kids within the first week of dating! One guy was brought home after only 1 date. Her poor kids have been through so much!!! They're not babies--they're young teenagers. But they really need a more stable living situation.

My friend is very flighty. She moves from one thing to another (career, relationship, interest, etc.). She throws EVERYTHING into her interests and then drops everything and moves on. Her kids have no idea what's coming next.

Well, today she called me to tell me she's ENGAGED!!!! Her latest BF (she's known him only a few months) is moving in and she wants to show me the ring. She expected me to sound happy for her. I did not. I told her she needed to slow down and think of her kids. She said she's lonely and no one wants her to be happy!!!

I asked if the kids were OK and she said two are fine but one isn't speaking to her right now. She swears all is well and everyone will be happy for her.

UGGGGGGHHHHH!!! How do you tell someone you love that she is making a BIG mistake!! How do I make her understand that her kids are REALLY suffering because she is so flaky?!?

Please, send the kids some prayers or happy thoughts!! They really need their mom to wake up and see how much she's messing up!!!

Thanks guys--Oh, and you might want to shout out a few prayers for me, too. I need to find the right words to say to her...

jenny

Jenny,
If there is anyone who can find the right words to say to her, it's you. I always admire the way you word things on the forums. You will find the wisdom somehow. I do pray for her kids that the man is in fact a good man and will be good for them or she comes to her senses.
Cindy

I don't think there really are necessarily any "right" words to say in such a situation and get through. When emotion rules the day, it's tough. I don't think I've ever gotten completely through to any of my friends that were being flaky.

I feel for the kids. If one isn't speaking to her, then not all is well by any means. You can't force anyone to come around and be happy for you, after all. They know you're pulling for them, and that you're in their corner, right?

Definitely prayers, thoughts and everything for all of them, and especially the kids. Hopefully, things will stabilize and all work out, without getting a lot rockier than they are now.

Ooohh, tough situation!

I'll be sending out those good vibes!!!!!

You are a very good, supportive friend. It's tough if she "loves" this person alreay - but who am I to talk - I was dating my DH only a month and a half before we started looking for a house to buy - and got married before dating a year. But I knew he was the one.

Maybe she knows this is the guy for her? It's different when there are children/teens - involved. I'm sure if it's not right hopefully she will realize it before it's too late.

And if it is, then you can just be happy for them! (Have you met the guy???, what do you think???)

Thanks, Cindy, Droolie, and Eileen. Prayers and happy vibes are definitely appreciated!

You all know just the right things to say!

Eileen, you know what? I'd have absolutely no problem if she was alone--with no children involved--and found a man she wanted to marry quickly. I've actually had a few friends who have done that and been very happy with their choices! (You, for example!! )

The problem here is the fact that she has kids. And IMO you have to make the kids your first priority! They certainly didn't ask to be raised in a home with parents who can't get along!! And they don't deserve to have a mom who is always changing things--BIG things--in their lives.

Yep--I've met the guy. I get a strange vibe from him...Can't quite put my finger on it, but something is odd with him. Frankly, I think he's not Mr. Wonderful.

He seems to treat her OK, but likes to go out a lot (and they leave the kids home alone a lot--like for weekends at a time!). To be honest, she's told me that every single guy she's met since her separation is "the one." Her interests only last a few months at a time. Then she ends up dropping everything and moving on...My whole circle of friends has stopped trying to get to know her new guys! (They never seem to stay around long enough for us to really get to know them!)

The kids do know my family is on their side. They've always felt really comfortable here, and I think they'll talk to me about it in time...

Yuk. I sure wish something would open her eyes...

jenny

Do the teens have an adult friend outside the family? That's important for all teens, no matter how stable their families. In a family with a flaky mother, that adult friend can be a life saver! They can find that adult friend anywhere--Scout leader, teacher, music instructor, sports coach, etc. Is that a role you can play, without criticizing the mother to the teens?

I'll try to keep this situation in my prayers. Good luck.

That is a difficult situation. Prayers for the kids, the mom and you.

Hi Nut and Deb,

Thank you so much for the replies...

Nut, I think you're definitely right. The kids do talk quite a bit with their grandparents. They are good people who really care for the kids and are extremely concerned about the mother's actions. They are also active in sports and have good, close relationships with their coaches...I hope that'll be enough. I think they could all use some family therapy, but I'm afraid my friend will never accept help right now. I also think I'm a little too close to the situation for the kids to tell me their REAL, deep feelings--I am their Mom's good friend....

Deb, thank you so much for the prayers. It's so nice to know I have cyber-friends I can count on for support!!

jenny

Jenny, you and the kids definitely have lots of good thoughts and hugs coming from me. That is a tough situation. My parents separated when I was 10, but I was very very lucky that my mom is a good person. (My dad, not so much.) It's good that the kids have other adults they can talk to.

Cindy is right, if there's anyone who can figure out what needs to be said to your friend, you are the one to do it.

Prayers going up, Jenny!

Yes Jenny, I agree, the children should be the first priority, which I don't think I said in the other post.

Don't get me wrong, the whole "love at first sight" happens and all but yes, when kids are involved, you definatly have to be much more careful.

I hope everything works out with her and her children.

It is double yuck if you are getting an odd vibe from this guy....imagine how the kids feel!!!

Like Nut said, I hope these kids/teens have someone to talk to, be it another family member...you know "the cool aunt" or something, or someone not related.

I'll keep sending those positive vibes!!!

Prayers for your friend, the kids, and you. And for the boyfriend, for him to come around.

Gretchen in Mississippi

Prayers for you and everyone involved.

Hi Jenny -

I'm just catching up here - I send prayers too. A friend of mine had a situation like this with a friend of hers recently - she had told her friend "you are a 45 year old mother of teenagers who really need you to provide them with stability - you are not a 18 year old!" Apparently her friend burst into tears - and my friend was worrying to me that she had been too judgmental! I said I think we have an obligation to tell our friends the truth, if we care about them, not to criticize for little things, but to point out to them where we don't think they're acting consistent with their own values. That said, it sure ain't easy to do!

Anyway, good luck and good thoughts going your way, and thanks for being such a committed person and being a stand for your friend's kids!

- Megs

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns!

I sure do hope I can find the right words! I will be seeing my friend this weekend, and I've been avoiding her in the meantime...Sounds silly, huh? But I really think anything I need to say MUST be said in person and not over the phone or email.

One of my other pals keeps telling me that I need to be happy for my flighty friend. He says that he thinks she's insecure and she really needs us to be supportive.

Deep down inside, I KNOW this is the absolutely wrong thing to do! She needs to hear the truth! Unfortunately, she is the sort of person who tends to get angry and emotional. DH and I have come to terms with the fact that she may not speak to me again if I tell her what's really on my mind!

I've been thinking and praying about this a lot. I agree with Megs...A friend has an obligation to tell the truth (with care and gentleness, of course!). That's what being a friend is all about!

I know that I need to tell her I'm just not behind her with this decision. I need to remind her that she has children who are struggling already...and I'm afraid this will put them over the edge. I need to tell her that I love her and I do want her to be happy!! But she MUST think of her children and the impact of her behavior before moving forward.

One bit of good news...the kids' Grandma called me the other day and told me the younger ones may come and live with her. I hate to see their family split like this! But I really do believe that the children would be better off with their grandparents til my friend gets her head on straight. As I said before, the grandparents are terrific people and very dependable...

Please send out a prayer for them every now and then guys! They need it!!

You guys are the best! Don't know what I'd do without you! You sure do make me feel like I can do this!

jenny