Erectile Dysfunction

I recently started seeing a man in his his 30's who I believe is suffering from ED, though he hasn't mentioned it, and is extremely ashamed and embarrassed when things don't go right.

He suffers from lots of anxiety and does have depressive spells, in addition to not eating well or exercising enough. He also had an ex girlfriend insult his ED in the past. He never said ED, just his "performance." So I assume she was insulting the ED, though I'm not positive. He is actually a wonderful lover. He is only able to maintain a strong erection for about 5 minutes, and then it gets soft until we have to resort to oral. Occassionaly he can't get an erection at all.

How do I talk with him about this in a gentle and respectful way? I won't leave him over this, but I want him to be at least open to seeking treatment. He is very anxious about seeing doctors, so realistically I don't know if he will.

He says that he will get better (again, without using the term ED or erection problem) but says he will improve at sex, the longer we are together and the more comfortable he becomes with me. He has improved in that he was able to ejaculate during sex finally. Maybe the erection part will improve as well?

But I am so afraid that if his ED is mostly due to low self esteem/anxiety that if I bring up the subject, he will assume that this means I'm unhappy with him, it will make him feel worse, and in the end just make the problem worse. He is so ashamed about it, just from seeing his body language and mood when it happens, that it feels almost taboo, and I can't imagine him bringing up the subject.

I honestly have no idea how to talk to him about this.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

I'm not sure how much help I can be with this, but it is my belief that a relationship that requires tiptoeing around issues is not healthy -- so from the beginning, you should work on developing communication with him. I think by being supportive instead of confronting about it, you will gain his trust and if the relationship continues to evolve, the 2 of you can work as a team to address the problem.

At the same time, you will need to consider if you can handle being with someone that avoids problems rather than dealing with them. You deserve better than that.