Depression

I am 58 and am tired of trying. I have depression. Since age 50 I have been on wellbutrin and celexa which have done wonders for me. However I also have chronic lyme disease. After 8 months of antibiotics, I thought I had licked it. However I am beginning to feel the symptoms again and this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
As I age I am becoming more and more aware that I should have never married my husband of 36 years. He is not a bad man. We just are not the right fit. I was too depressed when we met to recognize this. We can have good times together and I do love him to some extent, but he is not a warm, giving person and I wish we had never married. There were signs from almost the beginning but I managed to deny or rationalize them away. He was so smart and I felt that I was worthless. He is really a passive aggressive person and bully. He never defends me or speaks up for me. He says I don't need it. He has very little to no desire to meet my needs and says I am superficial if I want any material things that he doesn't want. He criticizes me and questions everything I do or say. He wouldn't even allow me to buy the refrigerator I wanted without a fight. Perhaps I can best describe him by telling this story. After the birth of our first child who was born with serious birth defects, my husband did not want anymore children. However he agreed to have one since I wanted one so much. Half way through my pregnancy I had contractions and was put on bed rest. When I called him from the doctor's office to tell him this, all he said was, "I said second children were a pain" or something like that. You see he is the oldest child and resented his younger siblings. That evening when he came home from work and I was in bed, I told him that the doctor said we couldn't have sex because of the danger of having contractions and losing the baby. My husband's response was to tell me he couldn't go 4 months without sex. He said he'd ask a mutual female friend of ours who was single if they could have sex during this time. That only confirmed what I felt -- that sex was the most important thing to him. Much, much later (years) when I told him how bad this made me feel, he said he wasn't serious but what kind of man would say such a thing at such a time? Anyway I could go on and on about him.
I must confess that early in the marriage when I allowed myself to believe that I had made a mistake, instead of leaving him I began saying unkind, mean things to him. Everyone in my family thought he was wonderful so I figured everything was my fault and that my family would blame me if I divorced him. Our marriage has never been good. I know that if I had worked and been self sufficient I would have left him. Instead I just kept staying and had 2 kids. I won't even go into the rest of the things that are miserable in my life now. I could write forever. We have had counseling. We have had some good times. But I have become more and more tired of the stress and the need to either argue with him or just to shut up and let him have his way. He tries to change and can sometimes pull it off but always finds some reason to revert to his old ways. I must add that there is no physical abuse and he does not abuse alcohol or drugs but he would abuse marijuana if I went along and didn't object so much. I have no real close friends to confide in and my family is no support. As my oldest son said recently, he was raised in a "loveless home." Boy that hurt. But kids always know what's going on. I just can't see living much longer like this. With my lyme disease returning I know my life will only entail more struggle as I try to live with this debilitating disease and painful marriage and no friends and 2 kids who love me but don't really care to spend much time with me.
The psychiatrist who saved me with above mentioned meds said to me that he thought I was a nice person. Boy that shocked me since I believed that my bitchy behavior meant I was a bitch. I still hold on to that comment and think that perhaps I could really be a nice person if I was in a truly loving relationship with someone who respected me and wanted to do nice things for me and protect me. When I tell my husband these things, he thinks I am being too sensitive or dependent or says something to show he thinks I'm wrong and what I want or need is wrong.
Amazingly I do believe in God and perhaps he is the reason I am writing this and reaching out in hope of something -- I don't know what. Like I said, I just need someone to listen and not tell me things aren't so bad or that R loves me and I shouldn't be so hard on him or whatever. I've pretended for so long. I want some place where I can be honest and not judged. Thanks for listening.

im not as old as you (not that your old im just 21) but i know where your coming from... sometimes you just need someone to listen and not jusdge and even though its their job sometimes therapist suck at it... i have seen 20 of them ib my 20 years of being alive.... if you ever wanna vent feel free to email me... i know what its like and sometimes like i said you just need a shoulder samdiebel@hotmail.com