Depression

I am only 24 years old and I feel lost, maybe this is normal for my age? I have had depression since I was 17 and have dealt with its frequent ups and downs. I absolutely refuse to go on any sort of standard medication as I believe it puts a band-aid on a much larger problem. But another issue is that I don't know why I am so sad. Sure, things make me angry and things make me upset - but I feel like it is more so than "normal" people who live their lives seemingly unaffected by things that seem to touch me on a much deeper level.

I attended therapy for a few months and that seemed to work for a short time but currently without health insurance I feel I have no options, and technically I don't.

I just want to feel normal and happy. I have found myself saying that for fourteen years. I've also had panic disorder since I was 10 years old, which obviously doesn't help.

I get upset at myself for even being upset, knowing I come from a good home, good education and have a great circle of friends and a very loving boyfriend. I know how lucky I am and yet I find myself being anchored down constantly by my constant need to make myself sad, to nitpick every aspect of myself (physical to life achievements) and to put down others around me.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be loving and smile and not constantly feel the need to be sad or to put myself down. I want to change and I don't know what to do.

I was diagnosed with persoanlity disorder ( i am 21) and i never went to therapy my whole life because my mom does not believe in meds and such... but honestly it can help. For me meds will never help but knowing that being "normal" doesnt exist. Alot of "normal" ppl suffer from depression other are just more severe. I need DBT training but my insurance wont cover it because of my diagosis which is dumb because if i cant get help then i am going to continue to try to comite suicide and in the long run it will be more expensive for them but thats there prob. Fucking america and there health programs/ insurance, thats a whole different topic. honestly give it a try and if its not for you its not for you you just need to find what does work for you, finding what makes you happy is probobly the answer. set a realistic goal and go after it. I am alone and i found the thing that keeps me going is my daughter. She needs me and even if its not what i thought my life would be like... that my purpose in life now. I have just as many questions as you and for me i will always suffer from depression and there is nothing i can do. I will always be seeking something and more then likely it will never be fullfilled i think that part of life tho... if you ever need to talk dont hesitate to talk to me or email becuase soemtimes that all you need is someone to listen to you... not judge or give advice but just listen. My fav quote is 'you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only thing thats left." it always rains on the ppl it should shine one. Life is hard and no one said it would be easy... just that one day it would be worth it, i promise. =) samdiebel@hotmail.com