Depression

I have a loved one who is severely depressed. We were engaged but her depression has overwhelmed her with everything she does so we ended the engagement. I love her dearly but that engagement commitment was too much for her. We were so incredibly happy a year ago but her depression has increased dramatically as time went on and she is also having hormonal problems. I have not abandoned her and I try to understand and be patient but it is very worrying and lonely. She is getting counseling and taking antidepressants. I know I need some counseling also. I just want to remain strong and patient and need advice as to how to help her. It would be nice to talk to someone.

Hi David,

I am new here but thought I would respond. Not sure if I can be much help.

I am the depressed person in the relationship. We were engaged as well (I actually have been 4 times but managed to sabotage every one) I am pretrified at being 100% committed to someone and then having it go down the drain so i ruin it before it can take it's course. I can imagine it's frustrating for you. It's frustrating for myself. Being surrounded by clouds.

it sounds like she is on the right course. I guess i am not a good judge of what course is good! Stay strong.

Thanks Lisa. I'm getting some counseling also to help me Stay The Course, be patient and understanding. I actually have been a counselor myself in the past and know some of the right things to do but that knowledge all goes down the drain when it involves someone you love. So, talking to a counselor helped me and validated that my approach of being here for her for as long as it takes was right....also made my heart feel better. She's suffering a lot I know with so much that overwhelms her and so much guilt that her depressive state puts on her. I know she cares for me even though she can't say it and she has an added guilt because I am waiting for as long as it takes. I know she feels like crap and in her mind if "this nice guy wastes his time waiting for her" she feels guilty about that too. So I'm searching for the right words to tell her it's ok and that it's my choice.
Sorry for the long reply here and thanks again.
Nice talking to you.
David

David,
I came from a good, educated family who love me very much- I know- but my heart won't let me feel loved. I don't know if your fiance is in this boat, but you might benefit from knowing that she may not be capable of fully realizing how much you must love her. I, personally, struggle with the fact that I don't feel as if I am worthy of being loved, therefore no one must really love me. I don't know how to help you to make her realize that you do, in fact, love her (if this is part of her symptoms.) In the olden days, we called this insecurity, but I am 41 years old and it is beyond that. I even feel as if my own parents didn't ever love me, so it is the depression talking-- not an insecurity. Anyway, maybe you can work hard to convince her that you are ON HER TEAM THROUGH THICK AND THIN, AND THAT YOU HAVE NO PLANS TO GO ANYWHERE. She may or may not accept be able to accept this. I hope she can. You sound like a wonderful man, and I wish you both the very best of luck.

i appreciate reading the above. Im in love with a 35 year old woman. We've known each other for a year now. she was going through a divorce after a long marriage, as was I. we met and fell in love and all was wonderful. Then i deployed to iraq two months later and she left her kids to start out on her own, took a crappy job, and it all added up. I began feeling her withdrawing, being a lot less openly loving and affectionate, and being what id call distant and sometimes even mean to me. Her outward displays of affection were what initiall drew me to her. I felt her getting worse as her life situation continued to weigh on her mind. 7 months later, i came home for my R and R and we nearly split up. it was like two different people, a mean one who didnt care what happened to us, and the loving one who was as wonderful as ever. i nearly left several times only to find her better the next day...for awhile. Then she started seeing a therapist, and he got her on Efflexor i believe it is. She has made a lot of progress, but still does not display her affection for me like she used to. But when it does come out, its like it always was, then the next morning or day, she is distant, withdrawn, and sometimes mean. i try and not force it as i have no doubt of her love, her devotion and her wanting to be with me. but there is a lot of jekle and hyde with her and I wonder what the future holds when i do return. will my return make her better or will this continue?

Hi,
Even if your loved one is on meds she needs to talk to her dr. about the fact that they are not working and the Dr will probably be able to make some changes for her.
I have been through a lot the last six months, My kidneys failed due to an alergy to some medicine I had to take to treat a serious skin infection called MRCA. I am now on dialisis for the rest of my life and am not able to work due to complications that I am having.
My only adopted daughter has also had a bad time and ended up in juvey. There she was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder. She has now moved on tto a treatment center. Anyway I finally realized that part of my not feeling well may be depression. So I talked to my Dr. about it and he agreed. I am trying some new medication, I'll keep working with the Dr until I get some relief from this depression.
Good Luck and best wishes.
Loretta

Hi David,

We are in a similar boat, I am so inlove with my boyfriend knowing he is depressed and on medications.We have a big argument one day and he can't handle the thoughts of break-up pains, he panicked and he was like a wild animal running away for his safety. He left me but, I am still wanting to work things out for both of us. He is very pessimistic and told me that I broke his trust, reconciliation is not an option for him thinking that we might have fights that will end in breakup if we get back together again.Regardless of what he thinks,I still want him to feel that I still love and care about him...

This actually is his 2nd serious relationship, the first one failed and made him so depressed. Since then he never been into committed relationship not till he found me (I am divorced and 6 years older than him by the way). We started building dreams, talking about marriage, and being together for a long long time and he even told me he is ready for comittment. But things are now different as it was the first time, I missed him, I missed us.

He is in a new place now and I told him that we can still keep the relationship but on a different pattern. He doesn't seem to be convinced telling me that it is not workable. He honestly told me that he want his old lifestyle back (being in an unnattached affair with different women),no commitment involved. He said, he can't be with me anymore. It is hurtful hearing this but, this is the way he can be out of guilt of cheating on me, I guess. But it also confuses me when he said that he wouldn't want me completely out of his life, because I am the biggest part of it.

I comfortedly told him that he have to make sure to be safety (healthwise) if he had choose this as final decision. I even told him that if that is where his comfort zone is, then so be it. But if he finds that there is no better comfort zone than being with me, I would let him find his way back to me. I have not closed the door of my heart for him yet, but I am not anticipating he may come back anytime soon. I also have to open my heart for any other opportunity that would knock on the door, as there might be someone who could fill the hole in my heart, I might then shut the door completely on my (depressed)boyfriend and move on.

But I am not sure as of this point in time if I could do the latter.....

hi im new on this site but your letter caught my eye because im in a similar situation. i have recently been diagnosed with a hormonal disease which causes depression. i have suffered with depression my entire life but it has recently gotten out of control. i am also in a serious relationship and are now talking about getting married but i worry that i wont be able to make him happy like he deserves because of my illness. i would advise you to stick through it because she really needs all the support she can get and even when she really doesnt want to talk to you or anyone she just needs to know there is someone there that cares. just dont give up on her because it seems you really love her. i dont know if she likes talking about her problems with you but if she doesnt try to make her open up to you. the only person i have ever told about my depression has been my boyfriend and some days its hard to talk to him because i know he doesnt understand how i feel but it really makes me feel good that atleast he is trying because it shows how much he cares. i have the same commitment issues as your girlfriend and i think maybe its for the same reason that she may feel she doesnt deserve you, or think theres someone better for you, or doesnt want to get you depressed. well i hope this is some help for you. just dont give up on her.

Hi Art 1,

Yourself as in the same boat as my boyfriend,I would like to ask you if would there be any chance that my boyfriend will be able to think back about happy we were before the fights and realize that the serious relationship he has for me won't cause him pain. How could I re assure him.

He still want to be just friend with me but, it is hurting me knowing that this is all he want from me and not relationship anymore. I just told him not to contact me because it would just hurt me hearing his voice but I can't get near him. I want to love him unconditionally but it is hard for me knowing that he starts having his old lifestyle sleeping around to avoid not being hurt if he is into a serious relationship.

I wish you can help

I am also new here...please help!

Ok, so I've been engaged to my fiance for over 4 months now. Everything has been bliss, complete bliss. Never a blowout fight, we would discuss our disagreements. We had romance, our families love eachother, it's been more than I could have expected.

Now comes Friday, she went out to Happy Hr. No biggie, she does it and so do I. So in short, I don't see her at all on Friday until bedtime. I went to hug her and she nudged me away saying she has to wake up early to go to NYC with the Matron of Honor in our wedding.

So, we wake up the next morning, and I know I'll be by myself. We go out for a cig, and she asks what we have planned for Labor Day. I told her nothing, so she says "Good, I'm going on a boat with my coworkers". Didn't invite me at all, nothing. I was upset, but rather than start something right there, I wanted to wait until she got home from her daytrip.

I get home just after her on Saturday, and we go to sleep. I wake up the next morning ready to discuss the boat trip and how hurt I was. When I woke up, she's drinking a coffee, and tells me she wants to postpone the wedding. Doesn't give me a defininative reason. Now, we had a picnic to go to on Sunday at 3pm. She said "You can go with me if you want, but I don't know...I just need my space".

Long story short, she goes, I don't..she sleeps there (This is the Matron of Honor's house), then yesterday is out all day on the boat.

When she gets home, she hugs me and apologizes for how she's acted. She's crying and tells me that for the last 4 weeks or so, she's been going deeper and deeper into depression. She was diagnosed with depression at a 13 and spent a week at the hospital, but has had it under control by staying active. She definately wants to postpone the wedding. She tells me she still loves me and is still in love with me, but she doesn't feel it because she can't concentrate on anything other than this overwhelming sadness and pain. She said she sees a bridge, and thinks it would be easier to jump.

I told her I'm here for her and asked her to see a doctor that this is a medical condition and needs treatment. I asked her if she still wants to be with me or is she staying with me because she feels guilty for hurting me. She did say she loves me, but I had to know. She said she doesn't know. I left it at that.

What can I do? Will depression cloud your judgement to the point that somebody you are completely in love with can not mean much to you? Our relationship was Utopia. Always great, romantic, then in the matter of 4 days, she is still in love with me, but doesn't know if she wants to be with me.

There is no doubt how much we love our BPD partners. I myself is intoxicated by the love and care my bf had for me.

He also talks about marriage and the next thing was he is now trying to keep distant from me even from his parents. I want to be strong and hang on there for him because I love him so much. Same as other BPD person in a relationship, it freaks them when they think about commitment.

I am not sure if giving them spaces would really draw them back to us....

I hope, because I miss the person I first met in my boyfriend before his deppresion attacked him .

Hi David,

I am in a 1 year loving relationship and I have had depression for 2 years. I havent seeked help yet but intend to. I have been trying to tell my partner that I am feeling depressed but he just tells me to 'stop feeling sorry for myself'. I am wanting to seek help now as I am scared that I will eventually lose him if I dont do something about it, I already lost my job and my home because of it and dont want to lose him.

I injured my back at work about 4 months ago. Now I cant work, I cant even sit upright for more than a few minutes because the pain is unbearable. Ive always been a small woman and now Iam putting on so much weight from not being able to exercise Iam ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is in the toilet and now Iam worried that my husband doesnt want me anymore. Its made me extremely distrustful of him when I know he would never do that to me.Iam miserable with myself and what Im becomming. I dont know what to do.Ive never talked to anyone about how Im feeling. I never leave my house to see anyone.Someone give me some advice