Depression

hello. i just found this site and have been reading many of the posts here. it is both comforting and saddening that there are so many who seem to feel as i do.

anyway, i know my story may be similar to many others here, but i just need to talk and get it out of my system. i am 26 years old, living at home with my family, broke with a mountain of debt, unemployed, overweight and gay. not to mention severely depressed of course. i have been out of work for over a year now because i was fired from my job in retail in order to cover up my manager's incompetence. no one in the company will listen to me and none of my coworkers will stand up for me. of course i got fired just when our whole economy crashed, so i have not been able to find work anywhere. i have applied to hundreds of places and haven't even gotten one call back for an interview. i haven't been able to pay any bills for over 8 months. i am flat broke. at this point i have pretty much given up trying to find work. i can't stand the rejection anymore.

having to live at home wouldn't be so bad except that my family are all a bunch of angry bigots. my family are all extreme right-wing, conservative christian republicans. they know nothing but hate. they hate all democrats, liberals, catholics, muslims, gays and anyone else who isn't a citizen of the usa. they worship at the altar of rush limbaugh, glen beck, laura ingrahm, sean hannity, michael savage, bill o'reilly, etc. the house is always filled with ignorant hate speech. obviously is it not easy being a gay man in this environment. my mother has said that all gays should be lined up and shot for being abominations. my father has said that obama is the antichrist and is bringing the apocolypse. i feel so trapped here. i just want to scream and tell them how hurtful it has been to be brought up around so much hate, but i can't. my family does not know that i am gay because i am afraid to tell them. i am SCARED TO DEATH of my family! it's not right. they should be the people i feel safe around. the people who should love me unconditionally, but they are not. i am afraid that i would be kicked out of the house if they knew. i am afraid that my mother would kill me in my sleep if she knew....

i might even be able to endure all that if i had any friends, but i don't. i have no friends from school. i used to have friends from my job, but after i was fired, they all abandoned me. i tried to keep in touch, but everyone is "too busy". everyone is always too F***ing bus for me. it makes me feel like garbage. they obviously make time for other people in their lives, so why not me. how come no one ever just calls me up to say hi, or sends me an email? i guess i just don't matter to them. the few people who would talk to me don't want to deal with my problems. they don't want to talk to someone who is down. i am really sick of people who ask me how i am, and then get pissed off at me when i am honest and tell them that i'm sad. it's infuriation. i get so angry that i just screa at them and force them out of my life forever. i have burned so many bridges and i don't care. once when i got mad when someone wouldn't make any time for me he told me that i was "emotionally blackmailing" him.... i don't get it. why am i such a social deviant? why can't i make friends? all i've ever had my whole life are acquaintances. i can't trust anyone. because of that i have begun to hate everyone and everything.

all i want is someone to care about me, maybe even love me, but i think i have given up on ever expecting that to happen. i have had my heart broken several times. i hate to say it, but kinda hate being gay because the stereotypes are true. gay guys are shallow, self-important asses. i mean what gay guy wants someone who's obese like me? not that i can blame them, i don't want me either. it is ironic because if there was someone there to care about me and support me, i would be able to motivate my self to lose weight and improve my life. but no one will have anything to do with me.

so i just sit here in my room day after day hating the world and myself. too depressed to even leave the house anymore. no one to talk to, especially not my family because they hate me, they just don't know it yet. i feel totally worthless and alone. i can hardly get to sleep anymore because i can't stop thinking about ways to kill myself. expect that i am too much of a coward to do it. i feel like i am rotting from the inside out. and for some reason i can't even cry. i want to , but i can't.

anyway....i hope i didn't bore anyone with my long story. but i hope someone reads it. and if anyone wants to talk, please let me know.

There are people out there that care however they are few and far between. Life is hard and suffering from Depression makes it even harder. And being gay and having a family like you do makes it even harder.
I do not have any answers for you but i am here for you if you need to vent.

hey im here for sure to talk im 23 stright male but ill stand by your side neday fight with you!!!i cant imagin how that feels i thought i felt like crap over a break up but you know what... its life life wouldnt b life if it was easy you know its a huge speed bump hard to belive but over time youll make it over.. i am here to talk to u netime you like my email is joshkemp@tmo,blackberry.net
trust me i needed to talk to somebody and i did and it helped a whole lot.. things will work out amd for the family thing u never know they might support the fact ur gay.. be open dont hide urself hiding who you are i used to do and got me nothing but feeling down and depressed. b proud for who who are and what u love!!!!!! email me if u need somebody to tlk to....