Depression

I'm not really sure what brought me here other than being sick of existance. I feel like that's all I do, is just exist and I'm tired of it. I am a very positive person and try my best to live my life according to that. I am so alone. It brings tears to my eyes because it doesn't seem like anyone notices. It's so much easier on the two people I have to talk to about things if I'm happy. So, I act happy and when I'm to depressed to act, I just isolate myself even further.
I keep thinking things will get better and with each thing that comes enough momentum will build for me to start moving forward. I'm not working for a couple reasons but mostly because I just don't want to be around people. Every time I let someone new into my life they just hurt me and I just don't want to hurt any more.
As I said, I am a positive person so unfortunately I have no problem meeting people because they seem to be drawn to me for some reason. To the outside world I appear to have it all together. So, the people who are interested in being my friend suck me dry quickly. Which is why I don't make new friends any more. The first hint I get of someone like me, I run. The friends I do have aren't capable of being the type of friend I need.
My best friend is my husband. I try not to talk to him when I am sad because it just makes him sad. We have such a deep connection and in recent months that I have backed off more on talking to him about my depression, his struggle has improved.
I've thought about going back on medication but I hate doctors and I don't want to go. I do take some natural supplements. The trouble is I just don't feel like eating anything and I can't take them alone so sometimes I forget. I feel like I have already tried to improve my life and it just doesn't go anywhere, so why should I try any more. I just want to sleep.

Hi Niqual,

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain, and pretty tired from dealing with it.

You don't say that you have been in therapy, so I assume you haven't. Therapy could be very helpful in helping with your relationship with your husband and your disappointment with your friends.

As far as your depression, I think you need to ask yourself if you hate it or doctors more. If you really want to stay away from medication, try working out. It can be helpful with mild to moderate depression. But if you are severely depressed, which is what it sounds like to me, you need to figure out how much of your life you want to waste. Chances are that it will not get better on its own, and being on medication and being happy, to me, is better than being off it and being miserable.

Take care,

Deborah

First of all, I appreciate your response.

I was in therapy about two years ago. It was somewhat beneficial but because of the large deductible involved I can't really afford to do that again at this time. I will do some searching to see if I can find something more affordable.

It's a toss up between doctors and the depression. I was very ill and severely depressed because of it for all of 2006 and some of 2005. Because of that I have been to too many doctors that didn't help me. My current depression is a problem, but nothing like it was before.

I do work out ocasionally, and I am working on making it a more regular thing.

I have also recently adjusted my sleeping schedule hoping it would have a positive impact on my depression. My husband works nights so I had been keeping his schedule thinking it was more convenient to be awake at the same time. The sunlight seems to be helping some.

I'm hoping this is a seasonal thing for me. It's the loneliness that gets me. Being afraid of people hurting me makes it difficult to remedy loneliness. Therapy holds potential for helping with it.

Thanks again for your response.

Take Care,
Nichole