Depression

Hi everyone..
I have tried to find a local group to help me with my depression and have not be able to do so. I found this group and hope sharing my story will help with some of the pain I feel.. maybe it will help others somehow too.

I am 27 years old.. and since i was 13 i beleive I have suffered from a "Seasonal Depression" or SAD. What this means is basically from the month of October/Novemeber (really just after Canadian Thanksgiving) till Sometime in April or May I am Clinically Depressed. Then almost like magic.. as the days get brighter and summer starts.. I am no longer depressed and function like a normal mentally healthy member of society. I hardly rememebr everythign that happened in the past months... Its like a hazy blur... and i forget it happens... till it starts all over again next year...

This pain and torment of flipping between depressed and not depressed like clock work every year... creates such loneliness in my life...

Similar things happen every year.. I start sleeping in later and later... until 1 or 2 in the afternoon if i can.. I am late for work all the time... I stay up all night.. till the birds come up.. im tired all the time... I dream vivid dreams that are often nightmares... I wake up and dont feel refreshed at all..

I crave starchy foods and carbohydrates... Pastas... Cheese... Bready things.. Creamy Sauces... Or i have no appetite at all.. and dont eat for what seems days... I tend to gain weight during the winter months...

I isolate myself from everyone... I push my relationships away... my friends? They never understand that the outgoing FUN person i am in the summer is now unable to get out of bed and get dressed in the winter.. I dont answer the phone.. i dont go out... i dont call people back... I've tried to tell people.. but of course they just dont understand.. and im embarassed and afraid to be around them.. i couldnt imagaine their responses to one of my "crying episodes".. IM the person who is the pillar of strength in the summer for them... in winter?? I tend to loose a lot of friends..

My memory fades... I dont remember things i say to people... i forget conversations.. i cant focus.. I cant seem to do simple things like bake with proper measurements because i forget them...

It seems impossible to do the simplest thing... have a shower? go to the store and buy groceries? Make a cup of tea? Its like asking me to fly over a mountain.. i just CANT do them...

I have been to numerous councilors and therapists... I cant explain my frustration in this area... That no one can help me... I know this is a disease.. and that it has scientific reasons.. but its SO HARD when it is IN your own head... These doctors often try and treat me just like chronic depression... But its NOT... I have been on tons of medications.. The side effects are so horrible... Constipation, dry mouth, tremors, upset stomach... and then when they start working? I feel... Numb... not happy not normally.. not upset and crying all the time... but like some kind of zombie... Only to stop taking them in the spring time... and to go through all the withdrawal symptoms...

I refuse to go on drugs again... I have never been suicidal... and the side effects are just too much for me to deal with... I have seen drugs work very well for other people.. the different combinations... but It doesnt seem to work for me..

I researched SAD a ridiculous amount... Everything i could get on it... I bought High LUX lamps to sit in front of..They help but its hard to even do that when your feeling depressed... Books on it.. The movie Prozac Nation... I found self tanning has helped me cope... which all evidence seems to point to it DOESN'T help with SAD... It does help with me... if thats a placebo effect.. so be it.. but when i cant make tea and a tanning session allows me to come home full of energy and clean my house... for once... then I dont care what the doctors say...

I feel hopeless and alone... My family did not understand for many years... they just told me to get out of bed... whats wrong with me... The sun will come out tomorrow... Other people have it much worse than me.. yadyaydyady all the things that make me feel even worse...

My boyfriends all leave me at this time... they dont understand.. how could they? Happy and out going.. and then crying all the time for no reason? Crazy behaviors.. yelling and screaming and not getting out of bed? I don't blame them... but it hurts.. it makes me feel i will never be able to have a family... or get married... These thoughts scare me so much.. that i will always be alone because of this... Or that if i had children.. what damage would i do to them... because their mother is "crazy" and unable to function like all the other mothers in the world... I would love to talk about these fears with someone...

The lack of help.. is what bothers me.. that i know i go through this every year like clock work.. and every person i have talked to or tried to get help from... doesn't know how to help me.. The drugs dont help me... Talking about "my problems" doesnt help me... Just getting up each day.. and some how forcing one foot in front of the other.. till the summer time.. is all that really helps me...

I want to move to florida or somewhere with more sunshine that up here in Canada... IM also scared that .. that will not solve my problem.. Im scared that its NOT SAD i suffer from... that i have some wierd kind of depression cycle.. or bipolar type II or something... IM scared...

If anyone out there relates to any thing I have written... please Let me know... I dont want to feel so hopeless and alone anymore

I just wanted to say again...

Thanks for listening

hi alonegirl, for me, i found this group after googling the words "depression" and "fight", hoping to find a solution or at least share experiences with others who are going through the same thing i am. it wasn't until the last few years that my symptoms became more rampant. i wanted to take action early hoping to get it under controlled but unfortunately my therapist at the time, perhaps not as qualified as i first thought, made me worse. i eventually alienated all my friends and family except for a few who truly cared about me, even though they refused to believe i am a victim of depression. for a while filling up my activity book and religion helped and i thought i had my symptoms under control then every little thing triggered another episode in the worse way and i fell back into those sad and empty feelings again.

it's interesting that you brought up about having a family and kids because that same thought entered my mind as well. i will mention this -- one of my friends is bi-polar and he just had a baby girl with his wife who is also on medication for depression. i had lunch with them a few months ago and they both said their marriage, and now their baby girl, gave them the inspiration to be supportive of each other and to want to get better. i am not saying we should do the "let's have a kid to save our marriage" kind of mistake, but perhaps we need a reason to live and to want to get better?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: snickerdoodle,