Depression

I don't really know what brought me here. By all accounts I should be a normal, happy kid. I'm about to graduate from a top 15 university in a week, and next year I will be attending a top 30 law school. I have the world at my finger tips, but I just am not happy.

Things came to a head for me last week, when a girl I care about very much basically called me worthless, telling me I meant next to nothing to her (we had a history together). I struck her, while under the influence of a lot of alcohol. I just feel so worthless and so disgusting as a human being, but it didn't start with her. After I scored well on my LSATs (97th %ile), not only could I not reach my parents to tell them the good news, when I told them they didn't even seem to care, to take an interest at all. I have two younger siblings who both look up to me, but are both much closer to each other emotionally than I am to either of them.

I just feel so much pressure to always be perfect, I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. I just have been sitting in my room crying for no reason and sleeping. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. Partially I feel like I'm a horrible person. I struck a female, I can never ever have that back, I have to live with that for the rest of my life, and I know that's not me, that's not the person I am. But that's what I did.

Since the incident everyone except my closest friends have dropped me at school, people I used to trust, people I used to talk to a lot. I've been to therapy before, and for a while I thought it helped. I felt in control of my emotions, I felt in control of myself and for the first time in college I really felt happy.

Even my therapist, who I got through the University I feel like doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. It's her last day, and I kept expressing that I wanted to talk to her and only her, and all she said was that if I needed more than one more session I couldn't see her. I convinced her to let me see her later today and if I needed more she could pass me on.

The girl I hit went to the campus police. She said she is just looking for assurance that she wouldn't see me again, a promise I've already made to her. I don't know what will happen to me, I feel like my life is crumbling before me, and I feel like I have nobody to turn to. I'd hope somebody, anybody, on this board will just help me and talk to me. I just want someone to listen, someone who understands what it's like to feel like I feel, because nobody I know really seems to.

Hi KB25, I am a first timer to this group too. I noticed that you wrote awhile ago. I am wondering how you are doing now. It sounds like everything that you are experiencing is very real. Though it is wrong to hit someone you are human and have to get to the point where you can forgive yourself and move on. You must feel so alone. I am sorry that your therapist hasn't been more supportive. By the way congrats on getting into law school . I know with myself, sometimes I put so much pressure on myself and then I snap in some way--usually a meltdown or getting angry with my family or salespeople. You sound like a very nice person who just made a mistake. It must hurt to lose your best friend in such a way. If you want to please feel free to post a message to me on line and, if you like I can give you my email address. I am a lot older than you, but I think as human beings we share more in common than we do not. Please be kind to yourself. This too will pass. Jane