Depression

"You need to find something" That is what I have heard all day long from my husband. He is sick and tired of seeing me "like this". I wish I could explain to him I am tired of feeling like this. I don't know what he wants me to "find". A shopping habit, crafts, God? I am confused. I wish my depression could be cured from finding something. I am 26 years old and have been depressed all of my life as far as I can remember. I was molested and abused and I remember trying to "wish" myself to death at night , or just begging with , I don't know who, to take me away. Now at 26 years old I am married, work as an RN, and no one understands how I can be in such pain when I have so many accomplishments. Accomplishments don't make me feel better, money doesn't make me feel better, the only thing that makes me feel better for a moment is when I help someone else, really make a connection. Other than that I live with such pain in my head, heart and body. I have no energy. It takes all I have to get out of bed and work 50 hours a week and somewhat take care of the house. That is about all I can do. And it is all just going through the motions. I have been on paxil cr for a year and with a therapist on and off and nothing seems to help. I am ready to get off the meds and just try it on my own. The drugs aren't helping. Maybe I am just unfixable?

Hi blacksunshine,
You wrote that maybe you are not fixable.We are all here searching for a way to end our feelings of unhappiness,hopelessness and depression.I think that we can all mend.We all have a different set of problems and issues however our common issue appears to be the same.I joined only 5 days ago and I have felt better since being part of this community because I feel comfort in knowing that I am not alone and,that there are others poised to fight this thing.I don't know how long you have taken paxil...I was on paxil for a two year period and I found that it did absolutely nothing for me so I quit it cold turkey.I was actually in a stable state of mind for two years afterwards ( with the odd bout lasting a few days to a couple of weeks ) every so often and then it hit me like a rock about three months ago and I'm having the time of my life fighting once again.I agree with you that money or material objects don't help and that a strong spouse does.I know how you feel and the advice I can give being at 40 myself is to keep the fight active in your heart because nothing is more precious than life.I've been at that time where wishing death appeared to be the most logical choice and,eventhough I'm struggling as we speak,I cannot perceive death to be correct.What would our loved ones think? We gave up? We didn't think that life with them was better than death? I think that these are serious questions we must ask of ourselves when thinking dark thoughts.I am seeing a therapist...is it helping? Well,I'm being patient because it hasn't been that long. I responded to another post from Ramses where I stated that I believe that depressed people seem to have something in common and that is that we are very sensitive people. Things affect us much differently than the average Joe or Jane. So,I think that to help ourselves we must begin to understand who we are in the sense that we must identify our biggest weakness.If it is sensitivity than we must find the way that being sensitive is also our biggest strength and use it to our advantage.I don't know if I have made any sense to you and if I said anything offensive please accept my apologies.

Hi, I see you posted this a year ago hopefully you are still on this site? I found a lot of parellelism between you & I. I also am 25yrs old and a nurse. I as well suffered a traumatic aadolescence perhaps not asbad as yours but similiar and can relate with what you have said. If you are still on here It would be great to have you write back and chat. thanks