Depression

Well, I thought I’d ‘give’ to folks here instead of posting another sad story, so I replied to several of you with some encouragement and I hope it helped. I am not well. I’m 49 and I’ve had 2 stress tests due to numbness in my arms and chest pains. I’m not going to have a heart attack – healthy, except my mental health. I work for myself, by myself and spend a great deal of time isolated, sometimes not getting out of bed for a whole week, not eating for days, not bathing for weeks sometimes. My business is slowly failing, I don’t have any friends outside of a support group which I have been withdrawing from for months. My old friends are alcoholics so I don’t want to be around them. I am heartbroken. I miss my children terribly – recently divorced. My family was my whole life, but my wife never wanted children but I insisted because I wanted a family. My ex wife developed a romance via the web and left me after 17yrs. I have my children (ages 4, 6, and 8) 3 out of every 4 weekends but the separation and the conditions they are subject to with the ex is so hard on me. I am on meds by a psychtrst but I have recently quit taking a sleeping aide to try to address my sleep issues/anxiety on my own so now I go days without sleep, then only a few hrs of sleep. All the while being awake, I am tormented by so many worries – my children and their future, custody battle anxiety, my failing business and what to do about it, anxiety about wishing I had a companion which I think would comfort me, and I am struggling with my faith. I reall envy those who have a strong faith and can trust in God and not worry so. When I post replies to this forum, I cry continuously because I know what you all are going through. My children are what prevents me from taking my life. I know what life is without my father who died when I was 15 and I can’t be selfish to do such a thing to the ones I Love so much, but I am so sad and I think about taking my life frequently. One of the biggest tragedy’s is that my ex doesn’t really even love the children but her and her husband use them to further hurt me and for the child support. They are vindicitive due to him losing his job which they blame me for, so they hate me. I don't feel angry but several people in my life have said that one of my underlying problems is anger. Last night a support group guy called me and when I began to discuss some new discoveries about my ex-wifes treatment of the children I definately expressed things in a very angry way, so now I'm going to try to address this issue. I want to be 'well', especially for the sake of my children. There are some other heavy burdens too, but the aloneness really makes me very ill, with so much time to think. I really wish I had a companion to share life with, but who is going to want me with 3 small children?

u never who somebody may want u eventhough u have 3 small children. im 23 and i exepirced alot with parents going threw this. my ex fiances uncle killed himself and just made things worse so yea get that outta ur mind pelase not good for u or ur family is still there u get to see yor kids right? im here if u need to talk to sumbody. and im sure u can find sum1 try e-harmoney lot of nice lovely people on there. things heal and wil get better over time unfourtnaly no magic wand u know. i feel lonley and wish i had sum1 also but u know this time right now focus on urself and your kids when u get to see them. some dont even get to see their kids ur soo hurt u must be a great father and im sure your kids love you very much dont let them see u down b strong i know its hard but i promise time heals everything just talk and let it out tho dont bottle anything in k :-)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Teri Robert,

Hi 49,

I'm very much in the same position as you, in a lot of ways. The depression, anxiety & life stresses can be unbearable. I'm 47 now, but I can remember when I was 26 being so depressed once that I gave myself "permission" to think about ending my life when my son turned 18 (when it would be somehow easier for him to take). Well, I now have 2 more sons, and I realize the misery passes, so it doesn't really make any sense to assume the lowest of the lows is how it will always be.

Medication helps, but I sometimes believe pretty stongly my depression is refractory, and look for / wonder about alternative treatments, ECT, Vagus Nerve Stimulation, etc. I definitely derive hope knowing there is a lot of promising research going on.

One medication that has been a godsend for me is clonazepam, the anti-anxiety medication. Like so many others, I feel worse in the morning, sometimes horrible, but get going to work. If my anxiety hasn't lifted by noon or so, I might take 1/4 of a .5mg clonazepam and it definitely calms & soothes me. I'm fortunate in that I don't seem to have a tolerance problem, and I've been taking it - as need be - for quite awhile.

I'm glad I found this web site & find comfort in knowing there are kindred souls who all share this miserable affliction. I also know that some degree of happiness & comfort can be found, nurtured, cherished... and that helping other folks find some peace is a way I can give back to my fellow humans.

I strongly believe we're in this life to help each other grow, cope, share happiness, console & support with struggles, etc.

I also have had a crisis of faith, and have come out of it intact.

Peace & love

Mack

Hello 49. Very moved by your story,I am a 38yr old guy with alot of the same kinds of cicumstances.I also feel very alone even thought there are people around at times).I will be praying for you that you will find that peace.Have faith in god,he is the answer to your and my problem.There are peolpe out there many different ages and you are not alone.Your new friend frank.

Hi,I'm really sorry to hear that your ex-wife is a selfish bit<h.

I have a few ideas that may help:
1. Try to just be a loving father around your kids. Don't get caught-up in the vicious circle of having your kids stuck in the middle.

2. Go find someone new: i.e. Match.com - any excuse you have for not using a service like this is only your ego and low self esteem talking. Having someone in your life will get you out of bed, will get you out of the house, will help you reconnect with people so that you can be successful once again. I met my wife using Match after I had been diagnosed with depression and she is a godsend.

3. Religion/faith is a constant struggle for all of us. Two sources I've found helpful though, are the following: the book The Power of Now" buy it or download the audiobook. I listen to it when I'm low and it really helps me move from my "dark place". The other option is a wonderful church community called St. Monica's out of Santa Monica, CA. They have a podcast on iTunes that's free. The Monsignior of the church delivers very relevant, humble homilies that would apply to anyone, not just the devout.

I hope you try at least one of these ideas. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED! hiding is not going to make the trouble go away - only confronting it will.

Take care, and remember that this too shall pass.

~Nick