Depression

My wife has been suffering from depression for a long time, she's on medications and see's her therapist every week. Her depression always seems to come back, and always worse than before. She's been admitted for cutting herself to relieve the pain. We have 3 children, and I work at a very high tempo job. Im always doing everything around the house because she hasn't been able to do anything lately. I try talking to her, or watch movies anything to try and cheer her day, but no matter what I do, she tells me that Im not supporting her, when I feel that I am. Its so frustrating but I know that she is sick, and I don't know what to do anymore. She tells me that I dont understand, and Im beginning to think that she's right. Can someone who had or has a similar situation please advice or help me understand what kind of support is she looking for. Like I said her depression has been going on for a few years now, and I feel like im hitting dead ends.

Hi,

It certainly sounds like a very stressful situation, for both you and her. I haven't experienced anywhere near the same situation as you but I have had depression for a few years and it played a part in the break-up of 4 year relationship, so I can sort of understand it from the other side of the coin.

Firstly, the fact that you are here asking for help is a great sign. It shows that u do understand depression is an illness and it can be cured. You are doing the right thing in trying to find ways to help. She is right in saying that "you don't understand", you don't, and you probably never will, but that is perfectly ok! Depressed people don't want to hear an arbitrary off hand comment like "i understand" even if you have had depresion urself you don't know the feelings and thoughts that are going on in the persons head at that time.

People with depression don't like to accept help, any kind thoughts or offers of help may be misconstrued or just turned into negative thoughts in their head. There is really nothing you can do to "cheer her day", acting happy, trying to listen to happier music etc. can make the person feel even worse if their in a really low mood.

Don't always try to get her to talk about her feelings, This can be seen like ur just trying to get at her and might make things worse. Instead just be supportive and talk to her about anything if she brings up something. Try to get out of the house more, i don't know what age the children are but maybe you could do something with them, or even just the two of you could go for walks, or go to the cinema rather than watch a movie at home. Depressed people often want to avoid the world and stay inside in a shell where the feel protected and comfortable. but being in a different environment will help.

Even trivial little things like a card, a note with a smiley face, flowers, small gifts might help. As long as they are presnted just as a random gift or to let them know you are thinking of them, not to just cheer them up.

Depression comes in waves and anything you do will probably be met with resisitance but be persistant, yet gentle. Don't force them to do something they REALLY don't want to do, it will only lead to an argument. It may take a long time for depression to pass but all the little things will eventually sink in.

Most importantly however, remember to look after yourself. It is a lot of pressure on you, ontop of your job. Try to get a break from the situation, even if it is just going to sit in the park for an hour by urself to clear your thoughts and relax. Is there any friends or anyone you can talk to in confidence about how your trying to deal with the situation?

Apart from that all I can say is do a google search for "help supporting my wife with depression" or something like that, there will be 1000's of other people out there in the same situation. I also think this website is very good and covers the main points:

Helping someone with depression

hope some of this helps,
keep well,

e

hi...its so good to hear that youre always there for your wife no matter what Communication is the most basic thing to do but it could be much harder coz your wife has created her own world of self pity and helplessness. I going thru the same now and then, I'm married w/ a cute daughter (w/ a husband whose not even concerned w/ what I go through,hehe but its ok....I have a life to enjoy rather than drown myself in depression!) Don't quit on her coz I know it could really be depressing on your part too...maybe she's just going thru a phase and she would really need someone beside her...you may think she's not understanding you but in truth her depression is blocking her thoughts(arguing is not gonna help)...she would have feelings of insurmountable sadness and anxiety that she detach herself from you...she would easily be upset,always cry for no apparent reason, etc. There is no real cure for depression so just be patient and understand what shes going thru. she'll just get over it in the long run...w/ her family & friends support hope this helps. Have a good day

Dear Brother, I am very sorry to hear about your wifes mental health problems and the obvious stress on your family. Love your wife. Tell her that you do and that you will remain with her through all of this, regardless of how difficult it may get. Try to ignore the negative replies from her. Assure her that you have an unconditional love for her and for your family. Don't probe her but offer forgiveness to her if she feels depressed due to some past event. What is more important, the demanding job or your family? Our culture puts so many pressures on us. Ask her for forgiveness for things you may have done, be it too much focus on career or otherwise. Handwrite a love letter to her. It will take hours maybe take days to complete. Assure her that you have a unconditional love for her regardless of her negative responses. Hang in there. You are the glue holding things together. Life is challenging, marriage is hard work, raising a family is an incredible task. Never quit. My marriage failed less than two years ago. I have 3 very young children and they are gone from me most of the time now. I am very depressed myself and very alone with no local family. My marriage failed due to various reasons including her giving-up on me and my depression from career anxiety. You still have a nuclear family - Mommy, Daddy and those children. Continue to search for answers and help. Continue to experiment with approaches. Perhaps most of all assure her that she is worthy and that you have a unconditional love for her, unconditional of her struggels, you are going to be there with her always. Offer that forgiveness to her and vice versa, ask sincerely for forgiveness regardless of wheather you think you have done something. I send Love and I said a little prayer for you and your wife and your children. Don't give up.