Depression

I have just recently been "officially" diagnosed with depression. I struggled with depression as a teen and have been able to muddle through most of my life okay. In the last year I have made life decisions that have sent me into a downward spiral. I finally hit rock bottom last week and had a breakdown at work. I have started medication now and saw a therapist today. I know I am on a path to recovery but I feel so alone. I have few friends and I cannot confide in my wife or family. I just feel so consumed and feel there is no one to turn to that understands what I am going through. I was so pleased to find a site that others are reaching out to for support. I've always tried to be the rock for everyone in my family and now I just feel like I've been crushed by that rock. How do you deal with the loneliness? I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction. Sometimes I think it would be great to just have a friend that I can vent to and does truly understand. If anything at least putting this into text helps. I guess what this all boils down to is that I am looking to make friends that can help me through these hard times. A sense of belonging to something as well.

Ramses,your words seem to echo so much of the same things that I feel.I know first hand how difficult it is to deal with the feeling of loneliness,a sense of something being empty or ripped out from inside.I am very new to this also and I joined to try and make friends and get support because I guess most of us are in similar circumstances.It took me many years to deal with my depression and as of two weeks ago I am seeing a therapist.Many years ago I tried the medication route for three years (Paxil) and it actually made me worse.We are all here on this site to make ourselves get better and well again.The one thing that I have noticed about many depressed people,in general,is that we are very sensitive people.In many job interviews the interviewer will pose the question "What is your best strength?" and subsequently ask "What is your biggest weakness?".Usually oue biggest strength is our biggest weakness.So I came to the conclusion that being sensitive or caring isn't a bad thing after all.We just have to learn to deal with the fact that our biggest weakness is our biggest strength and we have more of it than most people.I am glad that I decided to come out and deal with my depression because I have since discovered that there are many people like me and,together we can all help each other.

Rebocha,

You have nailed it on the head. I never really put the two together. All my life I have been extremely sensitive as to what people thought about me or perceived me. I have always been a selfless person and have put the weight of the world on my shoulders as it would seem. I have some important decisions to make in my life right now that will ultimately hurt many people and I am struggling to cope with the decision and the after effects. My therapist says that there is no way I can make any decisions until I get out of my depression but I am struggling. I have lost the ability to eat and the drugs just aren't enough yet. I know they take time to get in your system and that adjustments are necessary but it seems to be taking forever. I try talking to friends but like most people on here can relate to, they just don't understand. They think I just need to brush myself off and get back into the game of life. If it were only that easy. I'm just glad there is a resource like this to at least put my thoughts into discussion. Thank you for your response and insight.

Ramses,it is comforting in coming to the realization of the way certain things are isn't? The issue of us in the depressed community being perhaps,what society calls over sensitive,is something I discovered a short time ago also.And,when we reflect on many circumstances and issues in our lives we think about it and become consumed with things and events that other seem to be able to brush off.At least that is what I think.Many people seem to be able to lock dilemas in a kind of vault that they won't access again and subsequently forget about them.In my particular case I have a difficultly in dealing with emotional problems such as when someone thinks that it's O.K. to insult me for no reason at all and the question that lingers in my mind is,"Why?" or "I have only shown them sincerity and kindness and this is what I get back?".I'm not talking about one isolated event either after all I'm 40 years old and I've learnt to let "school playground" type of incidents to not affect me.But,it is when the people that you think that you can trust betray you...this is when it hurts (at least to me).Then,other types of issues follow like paying rent or mortgage along with job stresses and it all stays inside and never errupts.This is where I think that the danger lies.Because we are very sensitive people who keep things in and are aprehensive about seeking help.Of course,I'm drawing from my own expereinces because for me the thought of seeking help for my depression was the fear of people labelling me as loonie.This kept me from seeking help and delaying the recuperation.The majority of people have no idea what we are talking about but,for those of us who know this enemy called depression it is dreadful.Many people have no idea what it is like to wake up in the morning and feel tired and not optimistic.And,why is it that when I'm feeling at my worst I turn on the radio and it seems like every song deals with lost loves and sad themes?I'll end at that because I'm probably not making any sense to anyone.

Rebocha,

Once again you have pegged my story. I'm 38 and have felt all these same things. I worry that I am at a point where I am losing control of my mind. I actually got sick at work today and had to take the rest of the day off. I've never let my personal life interfere with my work but now it's starting to effect my health. And you're right. Every time I listen to music it seems like the songs all target your fears and insecurities. I feel like I am just alienating the ones I love with my problems and that they won't want to be around me because I'm such a downer right now. It's the vicious circle of selflessness and worrying about what people think of me. Every little bit of stress seems so amplified now. It's comforting to know that you do understand exactly what I am going through. I guess it was naive of me to think I was unique with my problems but sometimes you just don't feel anyone can truly understand.

Ramses,
Don't worry about taking the day off from work because I don't care what anyone else says it does takes it's toll and we have to take time off to be with ourselves.Those who don't understand will make discomforting comments like "C'mon,grow up" , "You'll get over it" and "Just count to ten". However,we know that it doesn't resolve much.I take time off when I feel that I need it because I find that it does help.I am very grateful to God that I have a very understanding wife who is trying her best to deal with me but, it does takes its toll at times.I can't explain why it is but,there is no way that I could open up in this manner if I was in a room with a bunch of guys or women suffering from depression.I guess I would have the constant fear of being judged and I wouldn't open up.But,in this forum I have a sense of security and it does make me feel better that there are others out there under similar circumstances.And I don't mean this in a negative way such as misery loves company.I mean in a positive manner because knowing that others are out there we can learn from each other and gain insight,understanding and share ideas or solutions.I'm glad that the words that I have posted do hit home with you because it makes me feel less isolated knowing that someone is feeling similar and seeking help.When I think about it,I believe that we have all started the uphill battle to beat this thing because we have sought help and support.Obviously we are aware of our feelings and not shield ourselves from the world.This is what our significant others must realize...that we are fighting and not giving up.People that have never experienced depression think that it is like SAD (not enough sun too many cloudy days) but,we all know that even on the sunniest of days our feelings remain the same.People will also say that we self inflict emotional pain on ourselves.All I can say is that only if it happens to you will you know what it is like.I've often told my wife that I would never wish this on my worst enemy because I know how much it hurts and I am God fearing.I would trade this for two broken legs and two broken arms at the same time because the limbs eventually heal and,at times with depression it is diffcult to see an end.But,as long as there is hope there is a way.

Rebocha,

Thank you for your words once again. A lot of this experience is new territory for me. Each day has been a new experience of highs and lows. Although I do have a lot of great co-workers I do fear that they are perceiving me as someone that is "losing it". I know I have their concern but I also know that it makes for great gossip in the workplace as well. That's why it is difficult to truly express to any of them what is going on in my life.
At home it has been difficult as well. I am away from my family M-F and that makes it hard. Plus my wife is very insecure and although she understands that I am having a hard time dealing with this she is freaking out that I am not going to get better or that I am going to leave or worse. I have assured her that depression does not always equate to thoughts of ending one's life. You're right. It's dealing with the symptoms and fighting. I am fighting. But my body seems to be fighting back. Between not being able to eat and now getting sick it's taking its toll on my physically. I know that I have to get my body better to get through this. I'm not doing this for attention or lack of desire to get better. Something just has gone off and I need to turn it back on. Hopefully the medication will eventually do that or something else will get me back on track.
This forum has helped my on that path mentally at least. Your posts have really hit home and have also lifted some of those feelings of loneliness. I also don't think I could have done this in a public group setting. For the same reasons. The fear of judgment by others weighs heavy enough on me and this removes that.

Ramses,
In response to your last post where you said,"The fear of judgment by others weighs heavy enough on me and this removes that".When you really think about it why should we feel a sense of embarassment or a type of shame or even feel that we are less than others? Because,this is something beyond our control.Another side of the cause of our depression states,could it have something to do with the fact that we may all be high achievers?What I am suggesting by this is perhaps we try to do too much and since we take on excessive amounts of responsibilities or tasks,when we do not meet those goals our disappointment is far greater than those experienced by the average person.Of course,I am simply giving this as insight after having looked well at myself in the mirror.I believe that evrything has a cause and an effect.Maybe if you look into the cause we can stop the effect from occuring.I have been trying to figure out the cause or causes for many years to try to prevent the after effects from destroying me.I was very close to ending it all approximately 4 years ago.I even had a detailled plan worked out that I would be able to basically disappear without being discovered.I guess that is what stopped me...I feared that what was left would be discovered and it would disturb my children for life.At the time it seemed to make sense to me that never being discovered would somehow lessen the burden for them.Like I have said in previous replies to you only once you've been there can you fully comprehend what depression is all about.Since then I have changed my attitude to fight and life because there is nothing more precious in this world.I hope you've had a better day today and please keep contributing because I think that we can all benefit from each others insights.

Hi - I've been reading this forum and so much of what you say explains how I've been feeling for the past few months. I split up with my boyfriend six months ago now. We were together for 3 years and although it was a long distance relationship I thought that this year would see us living together and moving forward. However he ended the relationship in July, saying he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Since then I have been battling with feelings that have threatened to completely overwhelm me at times. I am 46, most of my friends are married with children and I find myself alone and adrift, wondering what to do with my life, where i am going and how to feel fulfilled. I went to my doctor and managed to get referred for counselling, which has delved into the past a great deal. I don't know whether it has helped or not - I have always had difficulty dealing with the 'rejection' that comes with the end of a close relationship but I also now realise I have little sense of identity in spite of being what many would call a 'high' achiever - I worked and travelled overseas for four years, I own my own apartment, have a steady job working in government communications, I'm fit and am described as good looking. All of this is meaningless though as I find myelf wondering what the purpose of my life is and how to find meaning. I have always tried to do things for my friends and those I care about and know that true happiness doesn't come from material things. Yet despite reading a lot of self help books and rationally thinking about how I feel and what steps I can take to help myself, there are still days when I wake up and wish that I didn't have to. I am on anti depressants at the moment (3 weeks now) and they have really helped reduce the feeling of overwhelming despair. What I am now left with is trying to find some direction, sense, purpose and meaning to my life. And I really don't know where to start.
cj

cj,

I know exactly how you feel. That was a huge source of my depression. Not knowing where I was going and what to do next. I am doing much better in my therapy and the turning point really comes when you know what to do next. What you really need to do is figure out what are your biggest issues and focus on them. Gather support from family, friends, and hopefully a good therapist. My other problem was that I wasn't helping my body by not taking care of it. I had to eat slowly a little more each day. I had to find ways to sleep better. I had to get a prescription at first to get me to sleep but then I was able to do it on my own. And then doing some exercise each day really helped.
You sound like you do have some really positive things going for you. Don't disregard or lose site of the positives in life. I truly hope that time will help you to recover. I also understand the long distance relationship part as well. I can relate to all the difficulties of that as well.
Please keep us posted on your recovery. And if you're reading this today (12-25-08), Merry Christmas.

Ramses

Many of this thread resonate within me. This is my first thread to read thru. I fear I am running out of time, and may not have time to get thru any more threads.

I today have decided that I do not like myself, that I am mean, and that my wife struggles to put up with me, with all her strength.

My children are precious, my 14 year old has left this summer to go live with her mom, after 11 years of sole custody. I have never approved of her mother's way to live and fought for 11 years to protect my kids from the bad things in life, especially Internet dangers.

I think that I am insecure, I cannot stand to be alone, but no one can stand to be with me.

I have spent June 2007 thru May 2008 on crutches and in wheelchair from a ruptured achilles tendon. My wife's father died 2 weeks after my injury at 59 years old.

I am 38 she is 30. My business has completely imploded due to my injury and a collapsing construction/housing industry. I was a general building contractor.

I do not know what to do. I started treatment with the VA but it is hard to go. They put me on a medication that caused Severe Restless Leg Syndrome, holy cow that was a mess....

I go back next week to be given another medication. In the last 10 years I have tried them all.

On top of all this, I just started my first job working for someone else in nearly 10 years. It is commission based with 2-3 month delays to get paid. My wife aint having that. She needs money now!

Yesterday I sat all day feeling like my life is gone. I lost it all. She is looking for the way to get the kids away from me. I still feel that way this morning.

I am anxious at work, is she home leaving me? AM I dying? Should I be? Do I deserve to live? Is life that fantastic? Why can't I enjoy my kids more? Why can't I see them as my strength? I am sore all the time, my age and the extended sedentary position my injury has changed my body. I cannot get my joints and back and feet to stop hurting.

Rivking

Rivking,

I can relate to many of your feelings. I can't tell you that everything is all right. It's never that simple. I was in that dark place just not so long ago that you are in. All I can say is make sure you get the help you need. Mine really came in the form of a great therapist. He has been far better than any of the medication that I am on. He really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Ever since we set goals and solved some of the issues that plagued me I have been on the road to recovery. I have to stress that you need to do the same. Once you start solving each issue, regardless of how small, you will see your purpose and direction. I have never been the greatest at giving "feel good" advice to anyone but I know how most people feel on here. I only want to see you and the others here find what they need to grasp at what little happiness there seems to be in our lives. I truly hope you find that in your life. Please keep me/us posted on how you do.

Ramses