Depression

As to what I feeling. It is always scary when you are just numb inside.....When your hands are shaky....When you know your whole life is falling apart around you and there is nothing you can do...or rather nothing you want to do because you feel as though it is just punishment for all that you have done wrong in life. Battling depression for 12 years......has wrecked my life. I am married with 3 children. and nothing I do is write. Where to start? My story is to long for here. I guess in a nutshell. My husband is wonderful. When we first got together he was so romantic. He would write me poems....make me special cds. and I was a witch. I would not acknowledge how wonderful these made me feel. Maybe because it is hard to become so close to someone, you'll know you will let down. And boy did I. 7 Years later....We have 2 boys together and I have one from my wild 17 year old days. When my Middle child was born, I ended up with postpartum depression BAD. It took a while for the medicine to work, but by then the damage was done. My hubby just ignored me and took care of him. He is now 4 years old and a brillant little boy. He prefers his dad over me of course. There isn't an arguement between me and my hubby that he doesn't bring that up. In his words, "As for Julian, he is the one I feel sorry for. He is the one paying the price." This in reference to a fight we had about my oldest son...His Step son. It is a bitter pill to swallow that I did not get postpartum depression with my newest son. I wake up with him every night (Because my hubby works and I really don't want him to be tired) I play with him and he prefers me. Today, I guess I am feeling lonely and disgusted with myself. I get envious of my 4 year old. My hubby comes home from work...he cooks (cause he does it better) then spends all of his remaining time with our 4 year old) Then he cuddles him to sleep and is out for the night......I always end up...up by myself....watching TV by myself...alone and aching....Now, before everyone thinks he is a horrible person he isn't. I push everyone away....As he says....I think only of myself....but I can't help it....

I am so sorry to hear about this inner torment and what has occurred because of it as you suspect. Please ease-up on yourself. Sit down and "care"fully write your husband a love letter. It may take days to compose and it may be many or just a few pages long. Tell him that you love him. Ask him for forgiveness but tell him that he does not have to forgive you but that you just have to ask that he forgive you. Please try to be strong and contribute positive things to your household. Do anything you can to rekindle your relationship into a mutually loving family. I did not do this in time and my marriage of 18 years dissentigrated by my wife leaving for another man with my 3 very young children. I am very depressed and alone and terribly heartbroken. This is probably the worst nightmare I have ever experienced in my life - possibly even worse than my father dying when I was 15. Please convey to him that you did not know how to properly display the proper emotions of love back then or whatever you may think was the issue. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want to start anew... ANEW. Plead for forgiveness but tell him that that is his personal decision to forgive you. Try very hard even if you are rejected continue to try to salvage your marriage and re-spark that old love. There are helpful groups that you could attend for free that may help YOU with guilt. YOU have to also forgive yourself. You have to forgive yourself. Stop beating-up yourself. Stop! I send Love and I said a little prayer for you and your husband and for your children.