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I'm really not sure how this works. I just need to figure out what to do. I've been dealing with depression since I was around ten or eleven years old. I come from a family that believes that you bottle up emotions and swallow them down. Granted I've never really followed that rule and have always made it known if I'm unhappy. It never did any good, though. I started to do like my family, as I got older, bottling emotions. I now ignore the feelings unless I'm in private. My life is kept to me because everyone has problems and I feel mine are minor compared to others are going through. Around four or five years ago voices were thrown into the mix. It's almost like my brain is in a constant argument. Right lobe v. left. There is a constant battle. Every time I have a thought there's always another voice starting up in my head with an argument. I can barely focus and while typing what I'm thinking there's another voice trying to distract me from it. Asking questions or just talking. The depression comes and goes in bouts. Sometimes it will last for a few days, other times a few months. I can't talk to family or friends about it because they all want to know why I'm depressed or why I hear voices and I don't have any answers. They expect constant rationality even when it's not possible. I mean, I know that I'm depressed because of the fact that I'm twenty-five and still working a minimum wage job and a number of other stresses in my life. The problems lies in that I don't know how to cope with this. I don't have the money to seek professional help or medication. I keep feeling pushed closer to the suicidal thoughts but I don't know that I could ever follow through. I don't know if this really matters but my dreams and reality have been mixing a lot. I'm finding it harder to distinguish between what I dream and what actually happens. Reality and dream have a very faint and fine line drawn between them at this point and it scares me. I really just need an idea of what is going on with me. I need some idea of how to cope with this so that I don't end up hurting myself. If anyone out there has any idea of what I'm experiencing please let me know. A side note for those of you out there that will tell me to get out of my house and spend time with friends and talk to them, I do that already. I'm really only home for a couple hours out of the day and that is my time to relax and think about my thoughts. Please if there's anyone out there that understands what I'm going through or has an idea of what it may be, please respond to this.
