Depression

I have enough in savings to move to some place new and I sincerely want to move away from Los Angeles. The problem is I don’t know where to go or what to do...and when I say I want to move I want to sell whatever I can and leave as soon as I can...tomorrow if I could. But at the same time I dont want to make a decision based on my depression.

My career experience covers admin, event coordination, promotions, creative arts (retail), online marketing, management and even a little bit of adult industry marketing/ assistance. All skills that are a dime a dozen.

I have a decent living arrangement where I am, not ideal but decent. My rent is low and I have horrible credit now because of the recession. I’m sure I probably would never find a deal like the one I have now.

On the other hand, I am battling with past bills my former roommates left. The biggie now is my ex roommate paid the bare minimal to keep the electricity on. I paid my 3rd and I believe that is all he paid on that bill. Now I am trying to put the bill in my name. I have a lease for my name but because I lived here since Jan they Electricity Company is trying to hold me reasonable for the bill since January (when I moved in). My lease started June and the landlord won’t call the electricity company to confirm this – doesn’t want to get involved.

All of the people I called friends and or acquaintances in the LA area have either moved or became detached from the world and or friends. It seems as if the recession has convinced people that other people especially friends and acquaintances should be treated like stocks on the Dow – sometimes good, sometimes bad or dump em.

In February a co worker verbally attacked me. Then he harassed me every single business day (and sometimes weekends) to the point I started to have anxiety attacks on a daily basis -- the experience left me hollow. I sincerely want to go into counseling but after everything that has happened in the past few days on top of the last seven months the only thing I can ‘want’ is to move.

The last thing I have thought of is staying put. Going into hermit mode, using the rest of my savings to go back to college to take web design / website maintenance classes in hopes that I will be able to find a career position. But staying seems hopeless and makes me feel even more depressed.

I broke up with a lover today. Our relationship was always rocky. He has ADD and would never get meds to help himself. Most of the time he was kind and giving. But when he was extremly stressed or angry he would say mean things and very cruel things just to hurt me. This last time he did the one thing that I cannot forgive, he betrayed me -- as business partners and as relationship partners. He yet again said extremely hurtful and cruel things to me in the fit of anger and this time I won’t forgive him just to have it happen again. He is delusional - literally. He says things and then denies he said them. Or he says I said things I never said. It hurt so much to hear him accuse me of things I never said when I have done so much to try to help him... My heart feels like it is being ripped apart by this... all the hurt is why I want to leave.

Everything seems like such a huge problem or decision or potential opportunity for me to fuck things up… and I don’t want to. So I don’t know what to do.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: california orchid,