Chronic Pain

Hi there! I hope someone can give me some advice on how to help my husband cope with his depression and rage about his chronic pain, heart disease and diabetes. He became ill with chronic pain and fatigue about 12 years ago. After that, he acquired diabetes and just last year began to develop heart disease. Last October and January he had stents put in his heart to unclog most of his arteries. He had a bad experience with his doctors and now refuses to see another cardiologist. There is still one artery that is 80-90% clogged and he needs another stent procedure or open heart surgery. He has trouble breathing after the slightest exertion and has passed out on numerous occasions whilw climbing a short flight of stairs or standing up after sitting. He refuses to go to the doctor. On top of this is the non-stop pain that no medication has ever helped. Over the past 12 years he has seen neurologists, psychiatrists, etc, etc and has been on all the common pain-relieft medications, except for Oxycontin. He was addicted to morphine for a year but managed to kick it on his own. To sum up, he is at a point now where is is suicidal and talks about death constantly. He drinks wine and beer every day as these help to dull his pain a bit. When he overdoes it on the wine he talks himself into a rage and lashes out at me, because I'm the only one here. He rants about his ex-wife and sister and all the wrongs that have been done to him in his life. He says he feels worthless as a man since he can't work. The other night, he took a butcher knife onto the deck and was threatening to slash his throat. I went out there to talk to him and he started screaming at me and waving the knife around, pointing it at me but did not hurt me. I talked to him calmly and eventually he threw the knife down - onto the deck with such force the knife broke. He refuses to seek counselling or go to any more doctors. He just wants to wait for his heart to give out and die.
A couple of months ago I called my employee assistance line and spoke to one the counsellors, explained my situation (this was before the suicide crisis) - they wanted me to start counselling for myself. My husband threw a tantrum when I told him about it, so I did not go.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Vicki,

Chronic illnesses are difficult at best for all of us, but they seem particularly hard for men. Most men identify themselves by their work and their ability to provide for their families. When they lose that, they struggle with feeling worthless. Although we know that's not true, it's hard to convince them of that.

I am really concerned about you and your safety as well as that of your husband. I know you said he refuses to go to doctors anymore, but he really needs to see someone. As deep as your husband's depression and rage seem to be, a psychiatrist would be best because he can prescribe medication as well as provide counseling. If this type of behavior is out of character for your husband, there is a good possibility he has a chemical imbalance that could be causing his depression and rage. The right antidepressant can make a huge difference in helping him cope.

I have to agree with the employee assistance counselor you talked to. Even if you can't get him to see someone, you need to talk to a counselor who can help you learn how to deal with him and how to protect yourself––even if you have to go without telling him. Although he wouldn't intend to, he could seriously harm you when he is raging as you described.

Please talk to someone as soon as possible, Vicki.

I can actually really relate to your husband. I think about suicide on a daily basis, and I've gotten to the point where if my pain is really bad I will just snap and fly into a rage at anyone who is near me. It's very hard for anyone to be around me anymore (including my long time boyfriend of 5 years). I've also had terrible experiences with doctors, this year I've been in the hospital 3 times for my kidneys, 2 times for my intestines (once was for a major surgery) and 1 time for my heart. Even after all of this, there are still some doctors that don't think I have Systemic Lupus, even though I have a diagnosis already. This makes me never want to see another doctor, and to stop taking my Lupus medication and just let myself die.

Even though I'm sure that like me, most of the people on this message board can relate to your husband's problem, you still need to get some counseling for yourself. Maybe you shouldn't even tell him you're going to go, because it could cause more problems. But you do need to get some coping skills for this, because it is very hard to deal with someone who has a chronic condition.

-Stefany

Thank you both very much for your input. I wish the best to you both.

Vicki

Vicki
I know this is an old post, but if your around or can let us know, I'd like to know if things have been going better for you and your husband.

I can certainly relate to your husbands angry and wanting to just throw in the towel, I hope he's gotten some help and you've also been able to get some counceling or at least have someone to talk too.

I sincerely hope and pray that you've received some type of help and support with this very stressful issue.

Betty