Chronic Pain

Our father has a very long history of back pain. He has not taken very good care of his self for over 30 years and believes a pill will make it all better. He takes 9 Oxycoton 8 percocet a day (among a long list of other meds for various things)If it doesn't make it all better he just says that the doctors don't know what they are doing...He has a bad heart, has a problem with depression and has lost alot of weight recently...muscle mass. He is incredibly difficult and says he doesn't want to do this any more...living? I am not sure. I just feel he concentrates so much on whats hurting that it gets worse...I mean who could feel anything after that amount of pain medications? So my question is this...Am I totally off track thinking he should do something to take his mind off the pain? I mean really...this is ALL he talks about. He doesn't read or play cards anymore he doesn't sleep well at night but falls asleep all the time during the day. My sisters and I are clueless as how to handle this..we try being positive, talking about what is going on in our lives or the grandchildren. But it is all for not. I wish we could all get some counceling but our schedules are all so crazy. I am starting here and will pass this on if I get some good advice. Thank you for any information you can give me.

I'm sorry you're struggling with your dad, and that he seems to be giving up some hope. I'm so happy you came here for some support! Having chronic pain is hard... and honestly for someone who hasn't ever experienced it there really is no way for you to truly understand.

I know his meds seem like a lot to you, but I would guess he's not joking when he says he still feels pain. There are a lot of us here that take a lot of medication, but remember it didn't start that way.. your body builds up a tolerance to medications and becomes used to it, so you need to add doses and/or try new things. It's all a guessing game a lot of time. I know I don't share the amount of medication I take with people because of that shock factor.. people think automatically "how can you function on that much?" Well.. in fact I do function, and well.. a full time job, now a newborn baby, etc.. Chronic pain is different than acute pain... and the pain management is essential. Does he see a pain management doctor?? If not, I would suggest trying to find him one.. or having his current doctor refer him. I also found counseling helpful for me to deal with this new "normal" that is my life with pain. I have taken some classes on pain management to help me understand what my body was doing and how to help it. There were a few classes that they asked the spouse or family member to attend also, so you can understand a little more too. Maybe there is something like that in your community?

I will say honestly, since you asked for some advice, that for me.. when someone suggests getting my mind off the pain will help - it makes me angry. If I could get my mind off it, I would. If it were that easy, I'd have no pain! I think distractions can help for sure, and getting into an activity or a good funny movie or something positive that may distract from the level of pain, even if just for a short period, may help... but to have your mind "forget" about it is nearly impossible.. at least for me. What does seem to make it worse is when I have added stress and emotion... then the depression or guilt or whatever I'm feeling adds to the pain and makes the pain level skyrocket.

Encouraging him to do something small may be great. But ask him what he CAN do that won't aggrevate his back. Let him lead with some ideas if he will. Take breaks often. Allow him some independence though. Nobody wants to feel like their pain is a burden to those they love. Talking about his pain is not going to make it worse. People who don't live in pain often think that by talking about it we (as those living in it) do make it worse. We somehow focus on it I guess and that makes it worse..?? I think that's false. I find the opposite to be true - that talking about it helps me, coming to these groups helps me, I feel like I'm not alone... I'm not going crazy because I'm upset or angry...I'm not judged because I have to take medication.. I'm not made to feel guilty because I cancel plans or have to take it easy and rest, etc.. and I have people to listen and make me laugh and who understand. Those kinds of things don't necessarily get my mind off the pain, but what they do is help make the pain easier to deal with!! I don't feel so badly anymore...my stress level is less, my attitude is more positive, and therefore my pain level is better managed. It's very hard to live in this world when you're surrounded by people who cannot relate. And it's not your fault... no way.. how could you understand really? We can't expect you to. But having people in your life that can relate, truly and honestly, because they've lived it or are living it, has helped me more than any pill or treatment out of a medical book. Perhaps your dad feels alone in his pain? He's not alone... if he's on the computer direct him to a place like this where he can meet others, or often there are support groups through your healthcare, there are books and CDs, etc. Chronic pain is huge... and it's very very real.

The fact that you are reaching out here is amazing.. you honestly are doing such a wonderful thing. Good for you!!! I hope people will respond and give you some more insight and ideas.

I hope things get better.. and if there is anything I can do please feel free to ask!

Nicole

Nicole gave you some excellent thoughts and suggestions, so I won't repeat those. I'd just like to add a few additional insights. The more people you can talk with who live with chronic pain the better because everyone is different and what works for one may not work for another. Unfortunately it's often a trial and error basis to find what works for each individual.

First of all, like Nicole, I commend you for your efforts to help your Dad. Caring family that sincerely tries to understand what we're going through means so much.

One thing I've noticed over the past 10 years as I've worked with people living in pain daily, is that men seem to have a harder time coping with it. The men who have been willing to talk with me about it say that they struggle with feeling inadequate. They were raised to be a provider and protector –– to always be strong. When they develop serious health problems, it makes them feel weak and useless. And most are very uncomfortable talking about that aspect of the illness.

Another aspect that is difficult to cope with is the fact that usually severe chronic pain causes major changes in one's life. We're no longer able to do the things we once did. So often much of our identity and feeling of self-worth comes from what we do (i.e., our career). This is particularly true for most men. When that is taken away from us, it's a natural tendency to feel like we have no value anymore. Of course, that's not true, but that's how we feel. It's important for us to understand that what we do does not determine who we are. Maybe you can find subtle ways to let your Dad know how much he means to you and how important he is to you regardless what he can or can't do. Another thing I've learned about men is that they want and need to be admired. Try to tell your Dad something that you admire about him.

No, you're not off track thinking he should do something to take his mind off the pain. However, as Nicole said, telling him that will probably just make him angry and convince him that you don't understand how much pain he is in. As I said before, everyone is different. But my personal experience has been that whenever I can lose myself in something I really enjoy (like writing or a graphic design project), I don't notice the pain as much for a little while. Of course there are days when I'm too miserable to even start a project. But the key is that the individual has to want to do something else and has to find for themselves something they enjoy enough to get lost in it.

One final suggestion –– humor. Studies have shown that laughter actually does help heal, both physically and emotionally. They recommend lots of big belly laughs. What does your Dad find funny? Keep him supplied with videos –– whether it's The Three Stooges, comedy movies, or whatever else makes him laugh.

I do hope you're able to find something in one of these posts that is helpful. We're here for you, so don't hesitate to ask if we can help you in any way.

I've been really trying to figure out how to respond to this original message. When I first read it, it made me kind of angry. You sound exactly like my parents, saying that he thinks a pill will make everything better. My parents have gone as far as to call me a drug addict (because I take my pills on a schedule every 4 hours, everyday), and this is a main reason we no longer speak to each other. And you say that he usually says "I can't do this anymore...". You know, I say that every day of my life. Having chronic pain is VERY hard, and even though he may feel that sometimes he is at his wits end, it does not mean he is suicidal. I completely understand your father's frustration towards doctors, they either throw medications at you or will not give them to you at all, they sometimes won't even try a surgery to see if that will alleviate symptoms. A lot of doctors are hesitant to try more aggressive courses of treatment because it really is just easier to prescribe medications.

I'm not really sure what you mean about your father taking very good care of himself. That honestly usually goes with the age group. My parents didn't take good care of themselves either, that seems to be kind of a more recent thing in my opinion; doctors telling you to eat right and exercise. I've noticed that none of my older family members did that and now they are all in poor health.

It may seem like a good idea for him to do stuff to keep his mind off of the pain he is in, but it is really hard to do that most of the time. Sometimes I try playing video games with my roommate or reading, and it works for a little while but when the pain gets bad, you really can't focus on anything else.

Also, remember that since he is older, he is probably set in his ways. He most likely doesn't want to try new things, and from what you say about him in your post, I doubt he'd really want to go to counseling anyways.

Just try and be more understanding. I know it's hard, but if you push and push for him to do more, and stop depending on medications so much, you're just going to end up pushing him away.