Chronic Pain

My husband has been suffering from sudden-onset and undiagnosed pain for 8 months now. We were just married over a year ago, and I'm having a very difficult time dealing with this. At first I thought he was going to get better, but as time has gone on, that seems less likely. We're constantly dealing with doctors who don't know what the problem is. He's on pain meds that we argue about because sometimes I don't think he needs as much as he takes. His mood fluctuates unpredictably, and in some ways he's so different than the man I married. I find myself going through various moods about the situation. Sometimes I feel helpless, sometimes guilty that I can't help him, sometimes guilty that I question him so much about his true level of pain and need for meds, overwhelmed with all that I now have to do, lonely and as if there's no one who understands what I'm going through as his spouse, sometimes I feel guilty for leaving him at home alone for so long each day while i go to work, and sometimes angry that he does nothing all day while i work so hard. I'm finding myself starting to spend more time on the computer, going shopping, and spending time doing work and chores so that I can escape the reality. I love my husband endlessly and want the very best for him. I want to help him, but I just don't know how to make things better for him. I wish I knew how this would all turn out and if/when he'll start feeling better. I miss the man I married and the life we started. Any advice from anyone?

Hello Deevie

I apologize for my lapse & slow reply to your message. I was sure I had replied to you, but when I retrned I could not find my reply??? don't know what happened.

We don't get very many spouses & caregivers that are wanting much help or understanding here. So you must be a very special wife to strike out in the net to try to find help for your position of caregiver.

I'm so sorry for both your husbands pain and also for your hardship to be forced to understand this very complicated illness.

I'm a chronic pain patient myself and would love to talk to you more and try to help you with understanding a few things to help you with your husband. You can contact me on this discussion or if you'd like, you can also send me private messages too. It's up to you and I'll try to help you the best I can.

Take Care of yourself dear, it's a tough time living with those of us in pain and chronic illness. I'm thinking about you.

Hugs
Betty Boop

Deevie,
I am very sorry for what you are going through, and I completely understand. I'm actually glad to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way. I am 25, and have been married for 7 years, yes, I know I was young, but he is the love of my life. About 4 years ago he had 3 back surgeries in a 6 month period and none of them have done any good. My husband is only 28 and as of right now, has no future. I feel like you do...sometimes I get angry at him, other times I feel guilty for being angry. Then sometimes I feel like I have no right to be upset because he is the one dealing with this horrible pain. We have gone to many doctors and he is on many many medications, we pray together every night, and yet I still feel like it is never going to get better. I just want the man that I married to come back to me. And I just realized today, that he is the man that I married, its just that the pain has taken control over his life. And now I want to find out how he can take the control back. So, I came to the internet and found your message, and decided that I needed someone to talk to. I don't know about you, but I don't talk to anyone about it. I'm afraid that people might think bad thoughts about my husband or my marriage, and I don't want that. So, I just keep it to myself. But, if you want to talk, I would love that. Maybe we can help each other. I will be praying for you and your husband, and sincerely hope that things are getting better in your life. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Leslie

Hello Leslie:

Welcome to the Chronic Pain Connection. I'm really glad you found us and hope you'll be back to talk about your frustrations.

I know your comment was not addressed at me, but my offer to help Deevie with any/all questions and concerns is also an offer for you. Since I am a chronic pain sufferer, I'm married and have gone through all the major changes this crummy illness can bring into a families life and personal happiness. How easily pain can take control over a couples lives and dash most or all hopes & dreams of a future and all your plans you have.
I'm not an expert, but I've been through the gamet and would love to try and help you, let you vent and try to help you & your husband so he can possibly be willing to take back control of his & your lives so you both can move on & continue to grow.

Best Wishes, I hope you can come back to share or visit, but if you don't, I understand
Hugs & Prayers
Betty

Deevie and Leslie, I would like to offer my support to both of you. I'm a chronic pain patient, but before I began my journey with chronic pain my late husband had it. I had the exact same feelings you are both going through right now. I know how very difficult it can be to live with a person who is in pain all the time. On the other hand,I also know what it feels like to live your life in horrible pain all the time. Neither side is an easy side. I feel so bad for all of you. I'm available if you need me. God bless you all. Scooter

Deevie and Leslie,
The two of you are strong to have handled it even this long. Don't feel guilty, we can not help how we feel, and you can not help anybody if you yourself are not happy and in control of yourself. We do become different people when we take medication. My parents tell me they remember how I used to act and they miss who I was. They believe I would be married off having kids by now if there wasn't pain in my life. I am not so sure of that. I know that its hard on them not only to watch but to bear the brunt of the tempers I have, wither they be from pain or from the pain medication. Many times I have been told they want me out because I wasn't happy, they were wrong I wasn't unhappy, but they were. They said I could stay as long as I joined some support groups and got counsiling. Well, it was working out until I lost my temper one time to many and said something that never should have come out of my mouth. My point it, encourage them to join a support group and get counsiling as well, it will help them cope and understand why they are reacting like they are to pain and to pain medication. Go with them. It will help you understand why they lash out when in pain and why they act horrible on the medication. Yes, you logically know why, but I bet you don't know what they feel like when it happends to them. What they think, how they hate there actions and feel out of control. It will bridge the gaps a bit.

Also, set goals. If he has a good day without much pain then do something a little special. if you two go a week without blowing up at eachother rent a movie. I don't go out much, but once I week I try to force myself out. It doesn't always happen but thats one of my goals. If your husband can use a little less medication on lighter days, encourage him.

Lastly, and this is very important. Tell him how you feel when things happen. How you feel to see him as he is. Don't be mean about it- if his feelings are hurt, work through it, because the truth does sting. Tell him you want to be there for him. Tell him that once a month (week, everyother week, etc.) you are going to go on a vacation. You will get away and not feel guilty or worry. If you are always around that it brings you down, which in turns brings him down more too. I think it is very important to focus on yourself as well, and by your vacation day you are working on pampering yourself. Not only will it rejuvinate you but it will without a doubt make you feel better about who you are, and that makes it easier to be with the man you love through difficult and easy.

I hope it helps. Oh, you two may want to get eachothers personal mails, you can vent, cry, whatever needed, and you'll have someone who understands because they are going through there own chronic pain (mentally) by watching someone they love suffer. I hope this helps you both. Good luck.

Haley Ruth-Ann

Here is a big hug and I hope you are able to feel better soon and your hubby also. I just lost my family because of my pain. I am lonely too. So have another hug and pass it around and maybe we can all get thru this. Sophia

Hello Sophia

It's nice to meet you.

I'm very sorry for your loneliness, I think we all know that feeling all too well and it's definately not very fun.

Belonging to online groups like this one and others has really helped me with those long days and nights of no communication with the outside world.

I hope you can find the friends and comfort here that I have and I'd also like to invite you to join a group of us in the Off Topic area called "The Daily Grind". Your welcome to join in, tell us your story or just about your day. You can share what ever your comfortable with and we do the same. everyone participates as often or when ever they are able and there really are no judgements or rules to follow, except for the forums basic laungage rules and advertising rules. So we are wide open to talk about anything you'd like.
Hope you give us a try and hope to see you around

Take Care
Gentle Hugs to you too
Betty

I know how you feel. In my family it is my mother who suffers from pain in her back. Very often she is not able to care about her children and even my father starts giving up and losing his strength. This situation is horrible and i hope finding something that alleviates her pain and our loneliness.

Little Emily

I'm so sorry that your mothers pain condition is so difficult on you & your family. I myself cannot imagine what I would do if I still had small children to take care of.

My youngest son was in highschool when my pain condition erupted and rudely took over my life. Even though it was difficult for he & my husband to except and try to understand, atleast he was old enough to pretty much take care of himself and I was still present to take care of those Mother son discussion, that were needed at that age for my son.

How long has your mom been in pain and is she getting any help at all for her pain?

How many children in your family? Are you all very young?

I'm sure this is tough on your father too and I'm so sorry for all of you.

Your starting in a very good place to get some information for your mom and also to try some of the many home treatments, that you'll hear about from many others.

Take Care and please ask as many questions as you want and we will try and find any & all information your looking for.

Gentle Hugs young lady
Your a very special daughter to be hunting online to find help for your mom.
Betty