Chronic Pain

My parents and I have been fighting a lot lately. It's apparently normal because my friend who is a year younger is going through the same thing. Problem is I just severed ties with the most damning word. It's odd because I have never even thought the "b****" word in my mind during or after fights in regards to my mom in all my 21 years of life. Today I lost it.

Apparently it pisses my mom of when I tell my parents we have already seen a show. (not that its important but we had seen it). Anyway she stewed for a few minutes before sitting on the loveseat by my dad and saying "I don't need a drug addict telling me what I have and have not seen." She also went on to say I wouldn't know what was going on as I am always in a haze.

I lost it. I honestly lost it. I told her that there was a difference between addiction and dependence and I would be happy to show her the article, to which she said she didn't give a damn. So I said that she didn't want to support me that was fine, but I wasn't the one with an addiction problem and then accidentally slipped and added on the dreaded *itch word.

Appologizing dosn't work, I had covered my mouth in mortification, and told her it slipped but by that time it doesnt matter. Unfortinetly once something is said its out there forever. Well, I can't take it back, and I am very ashamed. Worse, I just lost my best friend in the world, my mom. And thereby lost my other friend, my dad.

My mom told me I am out of here by the end of the week, no exceptions. Thereby I lost my three dogs (two of who I sleep with) and my four parrots. I use them for support. So I am out.

I left to think about things, for the first time in my life my parents let me leave upset. I didn't take the car, afraid I'd accidentally do something that can never be fixed, and I dont want to lose my life crappy though it is with the pain and fighting.

So with only a sweatshirt, sandals and jeans that push right against my abdomen and increase the pain I walked to the nearby park and sat there for a few hours, numb, trying to figure everything out. How it came down to this. Should I toss away all my medication in a bid to show I don't need it, and to become the gentle funloving person I once was?

Yes, the medication has changed me, it changes everyone. I don't like it and don't want to take it, I resist it for as long as I can. So no I am not a darn druggie, but it doesn't matter to my parents. Especially since that word popped out of my mouth, and yes I had taken a percocet within an hour of the incident.

I respect my parents, it can not be easy to put up with my shinannagins and temper, let alone the monster I am. Just the other day, I told my mom that I was the B****, and yes she agreed. I told her I didn't like being that way either.

I have no income other then SSI, and I don't know how to get housing I can afford let alone tell them I am moving. I have a friend, the one I mentioned earlier whose parents want her out (though she is a saint compared to me) and so I may have someone I can find a place with.

When I got home my mother asked for her debit card and starbucks card back, and I went to give it to her as I usually do, through her purse, and when I asked where it was I was told she didn't want me in there. When I asked if she thought I would steal she replied she didnt want to chance it, who knew what I was capable of?

I hate it, I hate myself, and I hate my medication. No I am not saying its all the medication, surely I can controll what comes out of my mouth? It doesn't seem like it anymore.

I pray almost everytime we fight that God will just take me home already because I am so close to breaking. Yet I wake up everyday anyway. It's probably because I thank God everynight that I have my parents, my sibling and his wife and daughter, my uncle, aunt, and cousin, and my baby dogs and parrots. Maybe he thinks I need to stay here until I tear up all my reltationships.

I don't really wanna die, I just want my pysical and emotional pain to go away. I also want to change and be a better person, but however I look at it I am just a monster. My mom told me yesterday that she and my dad dread coming home, they never know what mood I will be in and if I will jump all over them over joking.

I can't point out to her when she does the same things she gets mad at me for. I have accepted that, apparently its disrespectful. So I have been working on myself. No change. I am still the monster. Thats not who I want to be.

I wonder, can anyone help me out? Give me some advice on how to find appartments and get ahold of SSI to see if they can set me up with a place? Also can anyone objectively see a way to fix things with my parents, and what things I need to work on to be respectful. Talking to them about things they do or say that hurts my feelings doesn't work I am told its inappropriate. So I can't talk to them. I can't change anyone but myself. What things do I need to work on? Should I get off the medication? I was a monster when I am in pain and won't take anything, but I seem out of control with medication. What do you think I should do.

I really am ashamed. It should never have come out, I shouldn't have been thinking that anyway, but out of the three times I have thought it, its the first time its popped out.

When I got home from the park my dad, as if I didn't know, retorically asked me: "You know you crossed the line, right?" --yes dad I did know, if you think your upset about it you should feel the hollow spot that sits in my soul.

Worst thing is I don't know how I can ever bridge the gap my slip up caused. Even moving out won't be enough. If anything it will make it harder to bridge it. I don't want to not talk to my mom for the next thirty years. I don't want to lose her or my dad. Especially because I love them so much, life just isn't worth it without them in it. So how do I fix it? How can I improve? Is there a way to talk to my parents without disrespecting them but let them know when things they say hurt me.

My mom may not have called me a b**** like I called her but she may as well have stabbed me calling me a drug addict when she knows I am scared of becoming just that. She says I mentally abuse her and dad. I would rather go to an instatution then do that to my parents.

I hope you all can help me out. Please, I know its long, but I need all the help I can get. If you have stories similar feel free to share. Maybe your experiences will help me through mine.

Thank you all.

Dreary and Sad,
Haley Ruth-Ann

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. You've asked a lot of questions and I'll do my best to answer them as best I can.

• Don't toss your medication out in a bid to show you don't need it. As I think you know, doing so would cause you to go into withdrawal and you don't need that right now.

• Try asking your parents to go with you to your next doctor's appointment. Often it helps if they can hear the doctor explain your pain and why you need medication.

• If you feel your medication is causing you to lose control of what you say or how you act, you may need a different medication or a different dosage. The appropriate pain medication should help bring you to a point where you can function fairly normally, but not to where you lose control. Talk to your doctor about the problems it is causing you and see if there is a better option.

• Consider seeing a counselor who can help you learn how to interact better with your parents. You might think about a psychiatrist because he/she may be able to help you work with your medication as well. If cost is a problem, check with your local mental health center. Any fees they have will usually be based on your income. Since you're on SSI, the cost should be minimal.

• Most areas have apartments available based on income. Your phonebook probably has a human services guide (usually in the center in colored pages) – look under "Housing." Also check under "Food, Clothing, Shelter, Public Assistance." Just start making calls and asking for information. Even if the person you call can't help, they may be able to refer you to someone who can.

• If you and your friend could manage it financially, it might be good for you to get out on your own. Grown children living at home can become stressful under the best of circumstances – for both the parents and the child.

• To find out if SSI can help you get set up, try contacting your local Social Security office.

You were very wise when you said you can't change anyone but yourself. Take as much help as you can get from doctors and counselors to learn to manage your medications, your pain, and your relationships. Your mother loves you. I suspect much of her reaction is because she is worried about you and afraid for you. Although it may take some time, I think you'll be able to mend your relationship with her – especially when she sees you taking steps to help yourself.

And we're here anytime you want to talk or just need to let off steam. I wish you the best!

Hello Haley

I just stopped by to say Hello and Welcome to the Chronic Pain Connection.

It looks like Karen has given you the best advice already, but if you need friends to talk to who understand your pain/meds/relationship troubles, we are here and willing to try to help or just give you someone to vent too.

I hope things are going smoother at home, I'm sure your mothers feelings were hurt, but most mothers of kids your age are very forgiving and it will just take some time.

If your afraid to talk face to face with your parents or worried about your words being disrespectful. I would seriously consider writing your parents a letter and tell them how your feeling and how sorry you are. When things are written down on paper, then there is no arguing or additional harsh words said, you'll be able to finish your sentences and they will read what and how your feeling.

I just thought that might help you to begin some communication with them.

Take Care, your not alone dear
Betty

Thanks for the advice. I am working with my parents on a solution and luckily they are willing to try as well. As much as I want to go out on my own, I still have days where I can do absolutely nothing, so at the moment thats not a good option, though my friend was able to find a place for us if we get a third.

Anyway thank you both so much. I felt lost and just didn't know what to do. So thank you both with my whole heart.