Chronic Pain

Sorry to post here but i am really struggling at the moment. My boyfriend has a chronic headache and we have been together for almost 2 years now. I realise now in the first few months of our relationship that he was making a massive effort not to show how much pain he is in and now that we've been going out longer I see it now. The problem is I feel incredibly guilty and useless- I listen, and listen and listen and read info and am supportive and I feel exhausted and numb with the effort. I feel invisible to him because this awful pain consumes him all the time. He seldom touches me now-and sex is clearly beyond out of the question and I feel so ugly and useless. I saw a counsellor today so maybe that will help in time but I don't know how much more rejection I can take- it is like I can't get close to the man I fell for as he is wrapped in this fog of pain,anger and lethargy. I wonder about leaving but, in the end, worry that that is a betrayal-it isn't his fault and I guess if I had an unremitting headache I would behave in the same way (or probably worse...) He is still working f/t at a very demanding job and tries hard not to let on to them how terrible he feels. Sorry if this sounds unsympathetic but I am reaching the end of my tether and don't know what to do for the best.

Hi Diziet,
Welcome to ChronicPainConnection! Please don't feel badly about sharing your feelings here. That's what we're here for. What you're feeling is not unusual under the circumstance. Sadly, chronic pain of any kind often takes a huge toll on relationships. Those in pain not only have to deal with the pain, but they also have a lot of guilt because they can't be all their loved ones need and want them to be. And the loved ones (like you) feel helpless and neglected, while also dealing with guilt for feeling that way. I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor who can help you through this.

The ideal situation would be to help your boyfriend find some help with his headaches so he can once again function as he did when you first fell for him, so let's start there.

We have a sister site called MyMigraineConnection.com that helps with all types of headaches – not just Migraines. The lead expert there, Teri Robert, is a personal friend of mine. She and the other experts on the site are very caring and can help with pretty much any information you and he might need – whether it's identifying the type of headaches, finding a good doctor, discussing various types of medication, etc. Although your boyfriend may not be able to totally eliminate all headaches, there's a good chance the pain level and frequency of them can at least be reduced significantly with the proper treatment. You can find their forum by clicking on "Migraine Forums" under the Manage box on the homepage. They have a section in their forum called "4 Partners, Families, Friends."

You might also be interested in reading a letter I wrote for loved ones of a chronic pain patient to help explain what the person you care about is going through. Here's a link: Understanding Chronic Pain

Of course, ultimately only you can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, but I hope some of these things help you and your boyfriend.

My Best,
Karen