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I am new to the group. I had been on a group in the past and realized just recently how much it helped me get through the day to day.
Right now the depression is bad. I know I am blessed, I have two lovely kids 9&6 whom I love with all my heart.
Lately, my chronic pain has been just off the charts. My meds haven't even been covering all the time and I am afraid to ask to be given higher dosages. I feel like a drug addict. I have a hard time with the meds getting through the day, without them it is unbearable. It has been 4 years this past April when things started to the point of my pain being 24/7. It started with finding out I had endometriosis, then that I had IC which is a bladder disease that wears away at your bladder wall giving you no protection from the acid you eat or drink. That is painful on it's own. From those two hanging around and all the laporoscopies they did I started having this insane pain all the time. The doctors were pretty much baffled and said well you probably have chronic pain. Okay, nice to know. Now what? Well they sent me to a horrible pelvic pain doctor who didn't give me pain mgmt but sent me to Physical therapy, which inflamed two of the disks in my back the last two so then I had a circle of pain, my legs started to swell, I was in agony. Long story short, since then I have found out I have arthritis, sciatica, brain tumor, on and on.
I do see a good pain mgmt doctor now, but even then my months are not the same, they are different, each month depending on the time of year if there is a holiday, whatever I need a different level of pain mgmt so of course if I run out I am miserable.
I just want to be normal again, as normal as I was anyway. I feel like such a bad mom, I can't take my kids to sports. I am at the end of my rope. Some times I feel like if I wasn't here my husband could find someone to take care of him the house and the kids like someone with energy and some normalcy of health could. I know I am only in my thirties and I know I can't do this for another 30 years or whatever time I have left. I have been so depressed. Has anyone else out there thought of ending it all? Thought they couldn't go another day? I know I am not going to do it, but it has been crossing my mind so much lately and I have been crying. I really can't take much more.
It's late & I've got to get to bed. But I just wanted to stop and give you a Warm Welcome to the Chronic Pain Connection! We're really glad you've found us and I hope that we can be of some support for you.
I understand your really going through some rough times right now, but I also want you to know that I'm here and I'd really like to visit with you more. I completely understand your feelings, depression, frustration and down right disappointment and anger. I've been there and sometimes find myself going back through again. Chronic Pain & illness falls on us and rearranges our entire lives and any sane person would feel the way we all do. I know your venting and welcome to do that any time you'd like. But I also wanted to let you know I have personal experience with suicide and am a survivor from the loss of my eldest son. I know you would never do that to your beautiful children and please trust me when I say, they are not the only children that have had a mom with disabilities, they love you very much.
I'd like to visit with you more but I've got to go to bed and will be gone most of the day tomorrow in at the docs, so I'll try and catch up tomorrow night or thurday.
Gentle Hug Hon, your not alone and I care about you. Betty
Posts: 585 | Location: Home in Washington State | Registered: 11-07-2007
