terrie - hi there , i can empathize , we are of some form of "greek" descent .. same rules pretty much and my mom @ 76 has now begun to have some health issues .. i point blank just told her that while i can empathize , i cannot handle her issues and mine that well anymore .
fortunately i have 3 bros., and when she first broke her "code of silence" to me and began crying, i listened and asked if she had told this to any of the guys , or SIL's ...
of course not .. i took care over both my mom & dad when dad was dying from his cancer and it interferred with her "galpals" gatherings ..
when he passed i distincly remember telling my bros. that Mom is their responsibilty .. 10 yrs. i helped and dealt with Dad and his depression, denial and so forth .. he trusted only me ..
now i live far away from mom , although we do speak on somewhat of a regular basis, i immediately emailed all 3 "boys" and told them what she was going through and i cannot do it .. so now they are helping her ..
my dad has a twin with the same cancer at the same time, and he is still doing okay, but my mom was hesitant on breaking "the code of silence" to them .. i said look , no more hiding these issues from any family members . i was damant about it, they live 30 mins. away , we all live a plane flight away ..
she finally broke down and spoke , not only to my aunt & uncle , but as i said to her, tell your closest friends, if they are friends they can lend you support .. now she doesn't need me ..
maybe instead of strangers , just tell her outright to talk to other relatives and friends and not in a whiney way but if she needs help , my goodness you are not wonder woman , y'know ?
insist on it, and if she does'nt , then maybe you should .. or get help from a local SS agency , there are many around that can drive her to appointments, take her to the store , etc ..
you need to set her support system up for her if she refuses, she may get mad, but it won't last long .. you'll see ...
after my mom opened up to people, she no longer feels alone, and dependent on me to "fix" things .. and my aunt, well, she had breast cancer and opened up to her family too, and my mom ..
so when mom told me, i was sworn to secrecy .. NOT .. i emailed my uncle , whom i love very much and said 'No more secrets, no more hiding the truth from us, i cannot deal with the don't tell theory" .. and my cousins loved it.
so from now on openess is important as my dad never told anyone how serious it was , and i just couldn't hold it in, oh he got angry and called me a pain in the butt , yet the support he received was amazing .. and it was too late .. his friends and family were not only shocked , but saddened that he was not open with them ..
don't know if this diatribe helped , but i do empathize ..
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