Breast Cancer

Wife was recently diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer at age 34. Looking for online boards to talk/share - post response if anyone out there's interested.

My wife has stage 3 bc and has undergone bilateral mastectecamy, chemotherapy and is about half thru radiation, she was diagnosed on Dec 7th after her 36th birthday. I am 35, we two boys 2 and 4 yrs. What a road this has been.

MY WIFE WAS JUST DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE 4 BREAST CANCER. SHE HAD BREAST CANCER TWICE BEFORE, EACH RESULTING IN A MASTECTOMY. SHE IS CURRENTLY RECEIVING CHEMO (AC & TAXOL) AND WILL THEN GET 6 WEEKS OF RADIATION. SHE WILL THEN ENTER A CANCER VACCINE STUDY AT JOHNS HOPKINS THAT WILL REQUIRE FURTHER CHEMO. ALL OF THIS AND WE HAVE 3 CHILDREN.

I FEEL FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE, AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK, LET ME KNOW.

My wife dx stage 4 2 years ago after 5 yrs with no evidence of disease. She's 43 and losing the battle. The just found brain mets. It's awful. Kids are 16, 13 & 9. I'd be happy to talk.

My prayer go out to you. My wife was just diagnosed with LCIS and will under go bilateral mastectecamy and reconstruction in a couple week. I find it hard to stay up bet and supported. She is 42 and lump were found on her first monogram. What can I do to be more supporting.

My wife was dx with stage IV last May. The first surgeon we saw wanted to operate immediatly. Thankfully my wife wanted a 2nd opinion and found another surgeon. This one worked with a chemotheraphist on a regular basis. My wife went through chemo first, which sharnk the tumor down from around 4.5" to under 2". At that point she had a masectomy. Her cancer had spread, mostly to the bones in her leg. That is being helped with regular theraphy of Zometa. She is by no means cancer free and will never be. She recently had a polyp removed and we are awaiting the path reports. At this point our lives are about living and quality of life. Luckily her companies insurance covers 80% of all treatment and I carry her on my insurance plan which picks up the remaining 20%. So we have no out of pocket expenses. The down side to all this (beside the cancer) is that I work internationally. That means I am gone from anywhere from 6 weeks to 5 months overseas at a time. I work this job, not for the money, which is pretty good, but mostly for the medical insurance coverage. Then when I am home we travel together, seeing and doing all the things she has ever wanted to do. Life is short and getting shorter, so go out an live it together while you can!

I admire your attitude, Tony. You are lucky that your insurance works out like that. Any more advice for us?

I wanted to point out to all of the men in this forum that we are developing expanded resources for breast cancer husbands.

I would appreciate any feedback on how helpful you found them and what else you would like to see.

My heart goes out to all. My wife was dx 12 years ago w/stage 4 breast cancer and is in the unfortunate 2% of women, whose cancer eventually attacks the bone. My only advise to you, is to support your wife in any way shape or form. Don't anticipate, be proactive, show your wife, your emotional side(not necessarily by crying), let her know what you are feeling. It is a long road to journey, but you know what, my wife is still here and I love her as much today, as when we first fell in love! And by the way, she will be starting a new round of chemo in a few weeks.

Hang in there, it is well worth the ride !!!!!

AlanIV, I hope things are well with you, it has been a while since your post. My wife just got diagnosed with IV, it's recurrent and I'm not dealing well with this. The prognosis is freakin bleak on this shtuff. I need someone to talk to, someone who understands. I've never felt so helpless and worthless. I know I need to be strong and I'm putting up a front but this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I cannot imagine anything worse. I don't know what I'm going to do. I always had that dream of going to Spain or where ever and now half of me is dying or so they tell me. She's still in good health right now, she's in a bit of denial. I can tell though, I can see things no one else can. She's getting weaker. She's always been strong and vibrant but now I see the darkened eyes. I feel so alone. We have four children. The youngest is four.

Hi can't begin to tell you guys how much it pains me to be in this group. But my wife 2 months ago found she has had a reacurance of her breast cancer and it is her bone and lungs. This makes her stage 4. Wich you guys know because you have been there before me. Would love to see somewhere post of ideas to give my wife hope and cheer her up. Have read that we need to plan things that give them something to look forward too. Like a vacation after a long round of chemo. anyone know of where i can go I am not good at planing fun things. More straight forward kind of guy. Now i know need to be more sensitive to help her.

Dear Dan,

Doug Haberstroh, one of our expert breast cancer husbands, has written this reply to you:

Dan,

I am sorry to hear about your current situation and your wife's condition. I know things seem dark right now, I've been there before myself, the only difference is that I didn't have any children. I can imagine your thoughts and feelings at the moment and thinking about what you said in your Post brings me back to all those same thoughts and feelings I had just a year ago. You are right when you say that you can only see the changes in your wife that others may be missing. It shows the love you have for your wife and it's those little things that only you and your wife can see in each other. Don't feel like you're lost though, I know this seems easier said then done, your wife is feeding off your strength and you are a very strong man, emotionally, physically, and in love. Don't forget about yourself though during this time, that was the hardest part I dealt with. You want to give everything you have towards your wife, you give her your strength, your support, your love, your caring, but you need the same as well and the most important thing you need is rest. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your wife. My life became her life during the hard times. When she slept I slept, when she ate I ate, when she rested I rested. I actually needed to take my own advice during last year and it wasn't until a nurse told me the things I just told you that it all made sense. I would stay up at night holding my wife and laying my hand on her chest to feel her breath, but after a while I was actually becoming weak myself and that didn't do anything for my wife who really needed me to be strong.

Some more advice I have is to surround yourself right now with family and friends. Be honest with them and let them know what you know and that you need their help, don't be afraid to ask. Especially with children, just having someone watch them and take them out of the house for a little while would leave you time to concentrate completely on your wife. I hope you have a supportive network around you and if you do, don't feel weird about asking for their help and support, even if it's just little things around the house they can help with makes a world of difference.

I'm guessing you feel like the world around you is falling apart, I can't say I thought any differently, but I knew I had to stay strong and positive even if I had other feelings running through my head. I was lucky that I had two great friends that I could talk with and get things off my chest that would allow me to dump the bad feelings and then go back and regain my strength and support. If you don't feel comfortable talking with others then my other advice is to write those feelings in a journal, just getting them out of your head and off your chest is a huge accomplishment and you'll feel the benefit as soon as they are out.

I'll now leave you with what I thought was the most important of all, share your love with her at every moment in time. It's the little things that count right now and it's the little things that are remembered the most. Love letters, cards, sitting with her and just talking (I'm sure she has things she needs to get off her chest as well and she needs you to be there to hear them), little kisses that come out of no where, and never stop telling her how beautiful she is (that's a big one). I hope this has helped and I'm just sharing with you what I had to learn the hard way myself. There's no correct feeling or thought or emotion to have during this time, what you experience is your personal experience but how you act and what you give to your wife will be shared by all.

Stay strong, stay positive, stay caring, and give all the love you can. Please get in touch with me if you care to - I'm all ears. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, your wife, and your family.

Doug

Best to you,
Maria

Hello Keith,

Here's a reply for you from one of our expert breast cancer husbands, Doug Haberstroh:

Keith,

I too am sorry you have to consider yourself a part of our group, but know that we are all here to support you and are behind you and your wife 100%. I know you may not seem like you know what to do right now but you have already taken the right steps to a great beginning, you are reaching out to those that can help, that's a major accomplishment in itself. You are right in the fact that making your wife cheerful and giving her joy is the best medicine of all. A strong spirit can lighten the darkest of days. Keep a positive attitude and make her laugh, your attitude will be contagious for her and seeing you full of life will put happiness in her's. I strongly support your idea of a vacation or just a fun day outing. I'm not sure where you live but I know my wife loved our trip to Disney World, I don't know what it is about that place but it truly is magical, even for adults. Know too though that you don't need to plan a major vacation. The little things in life take on huge roles. Just a trip to your favorite places or a nice outing that you both enjoy can do wonders as well. This may be a little more than you wanted but I made my wife a coupon book of sorts and gave it to her for anytime she wanted to use them I was at her service. The coupons included things such as a candle light dinner (made by you of course), a back rub, a night out on the town, you get the idea. My wife completely loved the idea and considered it one of the greatest gifts ever received. Don't feel threatened by showing a little emotion, things are emotional enough for her right now that if you un-shell that may just be enough for you to show her how much you care and love her. Even the tough guys have a sensitive side, you just have to be willing to show it and don't be threatened that you're changing who you are, everything is changing for her right now and it might do her some good to see you changing as well. Remember that you are both in this together, one team, one fight. My thoughts and prayers are with you, if I had to do it all over again with my wife I would in a heartbeat, I never regret the time I had with her and I never regret showing her my true feelings, emotions, strength, and love. If you're true with each other you'll make one another stronger and the stronger you are the better you can fight.

Doug

Best,
Maria