Breast Cancer

Hello Gentlemen,
My wife went from a stage 2B to a recent stage 4 afte 1,5 years of operation, visits and chemo/ radiation. She is40 and I am 49 with 2 beautiful set of 8 year old twins. Currently Michele is undergoing hormone treatment for metastatic bone cancer to the pelvis and spine. In a few months we will see the starting results. She continues to exercise and go about life in a positive way understanding the questionable end result.

I am living a nightmare that all of you understand. My emotions in the past year have gone from deep depression to denial and it all comes down to a waiting game that simply sucks.
Like most men we are geared in a different way where we work , provide and depend on the wife to handle the home, school activities, etc. We fix all that needs to be fixed, but this is sometheng out of my control and it has beaten me down. There is not a war that I have encountered ever like this.
With all that negative stuff that each and every one of us is winessing we all control the level of pain at different levels.
There is so much to say, both negative and positive and being new to this forum I find that this is where I need to be. People tell me to be positive and strong, but I find that to be difficult at times. I am waiting day to day to see which way life and her health will turn and emotionally, sexually this change has altered my life for quite some time.
I will get thru this no matter what it takes for the children. I will stick by and not run.
My question is will the happiness, the smell of the roses, the laughter, loving , intimacy, etc... ever come back. In the event of a tragedy to my spouse can I go on or should I not dwell on this since she is still alive. Sounds easy to do that but how do you not think of it if you are the planning type.

Thank-you for listening. Its getting it out that helps !

Mike,

I am in the same situation as you are in, my wife was diagnosed with stage IV BC in Jan 2006 with mets to the bone, lungs and liver. The first thing you need to do is find the best oncologist possible, preferably at a major hospital or university, one who is willing to treat it as a chronic disease not a terminal one.Find out about clinical trials.
It will get better, at first it will be all you can think about. You have to take care of yourself first, depression is common, don't be afraid to seek professional help. I still have bad days or more likely nights, talk to your friends you will find which ones to depend upon, if you need to talk leave a message and we will find a way to communicate, don't hurt alone we are all in the same boat. Sometimes you will feel like the whole world is on your shoulders, don't try to do it alone find some support, whether friends or support group or internet forums, find someone to talk to. If the worst occurs you will find a way to go on, I'm not sure how but I do know that I will find a way, may not be the way you want but we must go on for our kids.I feel that you should plan for the worse but not dwell on it. And no its not easy, my whole life has been turned upside down. I hope what I have said makes sense, I'm having a bad night and need to take some of my own advice, but not many people to talk with in the middle of the night. We will keep you in our prayers. Don

Don,
It was an inspiration to read your response. I am going to pursue a specialist in regards to your advise. I am trying to deal with this alone and its too overbearing. We have a fantastic oncologist at Yale Hospital who seems to be doing all that she can. I have 1 or 2 close friends I can talk too, but I have not broken down in front of them.
The other day I cried and screamed while driving that I could not take this anymore,but I am a fighter and will continue to deal with this.
One of the things that you said is sticking to me and that is the fact that I need to take care of myself first. I realized I am eating too much junk due to depression and anxiety and that will effect my health.

I wish I didn't have to say this due to the both of us not wanting to be in this situation but I am glad you responded. I started to think this site was lacking in responses.

I have a good view on what I need to do its just doing it is the hard part.

Whoever and wherever you are I wish you the same as you recommended to me. My prayers are with you. Mike

Mike,

I'm glad I could be of some help, I couldn't sleep last night and just happened to find this site while internet surfing, you are right there doesn't seem to be much activity which is a shame because I know there are many men out there in the same situation that could benefit from it. One other word of advice, don't do too much internet surfing at least at this time-- there is a lot of negative info out there, much of it outdated and you don't need to be hearing or seeing it right now, you already have way to much to deal with. Keep us posted on how your wife is doing.
Don

Don,
I hope you got some sleep. Today's a good day after some positive news from the oncologist. She says the hormone therapy is working due to the alcholine level going down. She relates that to the bone tumor shrinking. She can determine this by the blood tracers. She's scheduled for a body scan, so I'll believe it more when the results are in.
Abort a year an a half ago when Michelle did the chem, operation and therapy, I did a lot of internet surfing and got myself sick so I don't indulge in that anymore.

Talk to you soon,

Mike

Mike,

Glad to hear the good news. My wife goes in Monday for a CT Scan and sees the Oncologist Tuesday so hopefully we will have some too. Debbie has been on Doxil for the last 15 months and the cancer has stayed stable, hopefully that will continue. Not bad for a drug that the Dr was hoping would work for 2 - 3 months! and very few sideeffects. This has started turning my hair gray. I hope 2008 is very good to you and your family.
Don