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Re guilt: Although I continue to have some lowgrade level of guilt/regret about it all, I think the divorce process itself and the realization of my ex's serious personality change from BP cured me of the kind of guilt you both are contending with. Several events during the process -especially a couple events involving our children - confirmed to me that my ex spouse was no longer someone I was interested in sharing a life with. I expect you (as I also do sometimes) are still recalling the person you loved when you think about this all. That person is largely gone in my case. BP seems to have changed her personality completely. Whenever, guilt strikes, it seems fairly easy to recall the mean and nasty things the new BP personality has done and continues to do. That seems to counteract guilt feelings fairly quickly.
Re "quick divorce": In a custody contested situation quick will be difficult to accomplish. You are probably looking at, at least a year if it is contested. Mine took nearly 2 years from the time I filed (including time off for recovery from my ex's suicide attempts) till the time I had the papers finalizing it. There are still financial details not complete for a couple more years from now (today is 4.4 years from the date of my filing).
Re "being torn on whether to divorce": If you are going to divorce a BP (or anyone else I suppose), you must not feel sorry for your ex. DR I expect this is why your lawyer said you are not ready. Your ex is not your friend when you divorce them. You cannot afford to feel sorry for them during the process. At the first sign of weakness by you, their lawyer will attack like a shark after blood. Your ex will know your weaknesses and be completely comfortable with attacking them relentlessly through their attorney. There will be plenty of time after the divorce to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchets. Don't do it during the divorce if you want anything resembling a fair shake.
Re false allegations (more): I don't believe any family court can simply ignore allegations whether they are false or not. Once they are made they have to be investigated. The question will be how thorough the investigation is. Until proven false, any allegations made will be treated as true. Be ready to counter any and all with hard evidence. Don't just brush them off as false. If you do, you risk having them become "true" in the eyes of the court.
My wife and I spent some time talking. Like I've said, she's been much less the out of control BP that many describe here. Just not sure she could handle the kids full-time if we were separate (which is why I would go for custody; not because I believe she's a true "danger" to them). She is definitely not a danger to herself or others currently.
Many of our divorce related problems are based our relationship as well of course. We agreed on separation in separate rooms in the house, weekly marriage counseling, she seeks counseling for ways of coping with anger/rage (in addition to her current weekly medication therapy), no drinking, no lying, and she has agreed not to associate with friends who encourage drinking or put herself in situations where she will be tempted or unable to say "no".
We are going to try this for 30 days and see where we are at. If we are making progress then we will extend that.
It's clear to her (although she may deny remembering it later...lol) that any slip ups with alcohol, missed therapy, and/or lying then we are done and I will file. And she is clear that this means I'm seeking custody of the kids no matter what.
She's fairly "controlled" for a BP based on the stories I see here so hopefully this may help us. At least if it doesn't, I can walk away as guilt free as possible that I truly gave it everything I had and every chance for her.
While there are clearly things I have to work on in the relationship (normal relationship type stuff), it's really all on her at this point to hold true. And she knows that any slip ups beyond the 30 days or whatever time it takes for us to be living as husband and wife again will mean divorce. There will be no other chances for counseling or reconciliation.
Wish me luck and I will continue to post here. I'm so grateful for having found this site. It's good to not feel alone.
Glad you had a satisfactory discussion. Sounds like you are on a good path, taking control of what you want and making things clear. It took me a very long time to get there - you are way ahead.
You are correct about this site. I wish it had existed 5 years ago. There is a lot of good information here based on people's experiences. Since finding it, I have been continually amazed at the similarities in various situations.
Best of luck over the next 30 days. Hope you get where you want to be.
I need some advice and support here please, if anyone reads this.
My BP husband (we have been separated for 2 years) is in an extremely bad depression right now. He called me last week crying, saying he was really down. I got him into the Psych immediately and they upped his dosage and put him on an antidepressant. It hasn't made much difference yet, he seems to be getting worse. He is barely able to get out of bed, is not eating/drinking. I am terrified he is going to lose his job. Over the weekend I managed to get him up and go for a walk and get something to eat, but since I work every day, it is difficult to do during the week. Also, he works night shift, so his hours are very different to mine.
I don't really know what to do at this stage. I have been through this with him before, the last time he had to be hospitalized for a week. I don't know how much I should be doing and how much I shouldn't. I am so, so stressed out right now. Any words of advice would be really welcome.
thanks for the encouragement. If nothing else I've done this to help my own sense of guilt (its hard sometimes to accept that in the end you can't be responsible for someone else's behavior, their failure to see the obvious or unwillingness to change). Hopefully, if things don't work out I can have a little less guilt in the end.
One other question....just in terms of marital reconciliation....I'm reading conflicting opinions from therapists on remaining separate (even within the same house). Some say you should for 30-60 days and others say you shouldn't. Your thoughts?
Given that you have done this for two years, I think you've probably done more than enough for your husband. You have to take care of yourself as well and in the end, can't be responsible for their behavior or their depression.
Sounds like you've done what you could. I think it's okay to help as long as he is attempting to help himself but you can't let him pull you down with him if he refuses medication or refuses to continue to get help when the medications aren't working. You have to draw a line between him and you.
I would recommend telling him that at this point he needs to seek hospitalization. If he refuses that then I would cut off contact and let him know you can only help when he helps himself.
I feel for you having to go through this. 2 years of separation and no divorce has to be tough. I can't even imagine the toll it takes on you.
Not sure I helped but at some point you have to cut the ties or at least draw a line and don't cross it. You can still you were there for him. You answered his call and helped him get on medication. If it's not working he now has to take responsibilitiy for the next step.
Thanks for your reply. I have done this actually for 15 years, although I didn't know he was BP when I married him. The fact that we are separated is mostly to do with the fact that I have been the caregiver all this time, and got little in return, to the point where I very nearly reached depression or a breakdown myself. Also, his behaviour when in the manic phases is again very hard to deal with, infidelity, partying, irresponsible, all the same stuff you read over and over again here. Being separated in some ways makes it harder, because I am not able to keep a close eye on him. There is always a thought in the back of my mind of suicide. I have not asked for a divorce for a number of reasons, probably not least of which is that I still love him very much, but I am recognizing that my life is going to be very, very hard if I stay with him. It is a hard, hard decision to make when you love someone but recognize that they are not healthy for you to be with.
I couldn't agree more with the difficulty of the decision. And it's far easier to tell someone this than to be the person involved. It's probably why I didn't file for divorce on Monday. Although my wife, even when manic, has never taken off and I've always been involved with the partying. We've also experiement quite a bit sexually (threesomes, etc) and I've participated. Although we haven't done that in a while. In looking back at those times, I'm guessing she may have cheated or taken off if I wasn't willing to be a participant in those events. I think the sexcapades probably prevented infidelity because there were clearly times when she was manic that hypersexuality took over.
I can say this to you easily because I am not involved in your situation. The time you've taken care of him and the time you've continued to be the caregiver post-separation is more than enough. You've done more than your fair share. You are (as we are all) entitled to live a happy life. In the end, while you feel guilty (probably for a while) are not responsible for someone else's behavior. If he's going to choose suicide, he will do that whether you are a part of his life or not. You may find that when he no longer has someone to turn to that he might take responsibility for himself and get help on his own. What I found is that, until someone hits rock bottom they won't make big changes.....and why should they? They can do what they want and always know they have someone to turn to. Cutting him off could lead to suicide (but it will get there anyway if that's his destiny)...best case is that you will either be free from all of this or he will learn to take care of himself. Worse case, is that he will continue down the road he's on....which you won't have to be a part of any longer.
Find the strength to say "no more"...that's my two cents. You've suffered long enough.
Find your life and live it. Be happy. When it's your turn to go....you will wish you had.
Personally I am not a big fan of these 30 or 60 day separations. I suppose they work for some. But I kind of think two people are either together or they're not. Committed or not. Just my own personal preference. And I don't really know what counselors would recommend. Sorry.
DR,
you are doing too much and going too far. as Attheend says, you can't be responsible for someone else's behavior. If he is depressed and doesn't get help, its his responsibility, not yours.His suicide attempts, if they happen, are not your fault or responsibility. Take care of yourself. He has to take care of himself. Apparently he is not doing so. You are getting sucked in and dragged down. Get back to your life with your new and understanding SO. Easier said than done. But you have to find a way to do it.
I don't know what state you live in but I live in Florida and I was going to divorce my bi polar spouse who was also hospitalized for more than 30 days, baker acted, marchment acted, and three suicide attempts. He was also arrested on several occasions for crack. When I went to family court, I was told that I did not have the grounds for supervised visitations because nothing ever "happened to my child". I withdrew the petition for divorce. Then he destroyed the home in a manic episode. I filed for divorce and guess what? He is currently doing a case plan that will not work because of his dual disgnosis of a drug addiction and bi polar disorder. YOur spouse drinks which I would believe counteracts her mood disorder medication as well. Unfortunately, unless your spouse agrees to the supervised visitations, as absurd as it seems, she is going to have a right to unsupervised until something "happens" directly to your children. So, I would strongly suggest that you try to see if there is any way that you can TRY to stabilize her. BUT here is the kicker......ready? Prior to the house being destroyed, I felt that I was doing the best thing for my child. When he destroyed the home and the police would not baker act him, causing my daughter and I to be displaced, I was accused of failure to protect because I allowed him (father and husband) to live with us. The charges were later dropped many hearings later and he is now working on his case plan. However, I would never feel comfortable with my child being alone with him. But I do wish I tried a little harder to stabilize him. I was just so stressed out on a day to day basis I guess I was just functioning in survival mode and not really able to meet his needs as well. But the alternative of the possibility of unsupervised visits scares the hell out of me.
