Bipolar Depression

Hopeformore, That is all we have hope, and yes pray a lot. My spouse too did the same thing... you can see from other posts, the I love you's I will change, I was his world... and sometimes that frightens them as well.. when we see they need help, they feel we are getting ready to leave them, so they do it first.. and the shame and guilt they go through once the mania wears off causes them sometimes to run further.. I tell ya, how similiar all our stories are, its so unbelievable....I was married just over a year.. we got married to in may of 2005.... I knew he had BP, i knew he didnt take med, but he promised that if he got out of control, he would listen to me and he would seek meds and help, well it has not happend... He loved my family as well, and we had many good friends, and he does not want anything to do with them, sometimes i think he was such a phoney, but thats the devil, i know he is a good man, and that he does love these people... His mom is also a great enabler.. she hides things from me, and I know she is upset he left and I know in her way she loves me as well and wants us to gether, but i have to accept the fact thats her son... she wont say anything to alienate him, cause she needs the few phone calls a week she gets from him, cause i am now not in the picture to report to her how he is...Know in your heart, you are not alone, and by our faith and hope and prayers, and the Lord with us... we will have a wonderful end to this madness.....and if not.. we will be ok, because we dont have control over this.. we just have control over how we handle ourselves....keep strong you will need it for him.

hi everyone thanks for responding to me.. yes i did know he was bipolar he was diagnosed before i met him and 2x agan when i met him. His mom has NO understanding of the disease nor does she want to.. it was him that called the police on me and has in a sense "closed shop" night after our engagement party he went out on a binge drinking and strip clubs with his uncle and spend around $60,000. he also would either be there 100.% or none at all.. lately none at all.. i would ask and ask what was wrong ask him to talk but the more i did the more irritated he would become more withdrawn etc.. dont get how he can just cut off like that so fast so easily.. it has been 3 weeks to the day now and no contact .unreturned msgs and emails even no concerns about my dad..he knows how i fear abandomment always said he would be there as my mom had passed away when i was 14 so now he leaves just like this like i was never part of his life. ??? and his parents dont think its odd he goes there in ONE DAY TO REPORT BEING SO UNHAPPY ETC AND THEY ALLOW/ENABLE HIM TO ACT SO IMPULSIVELY?? WITHOUT THINKING TALKING TO ME?? EVEN THOUGH HE WASNT ALWAYS "THERE" MENTALLY Drifting in his head as he said it was like a rollercoaster i miss his presense.. how will i be strong can i be strong for him.. while he would be crazy/irrational at times paranoid about others intentions i could always talk wit him..but now its done over... i had to move out in 5 days notice and start whole life over... is he so cold/callous to not even care, worry about me or my dad's illness now..?? ps. been reading some diary stuff i have around from him talking about one day having 2 homes in mgm and trump tower at vegas to rent out driving to his dads in a porsche to tell him he is president of a forturne 500 company , having jet planes etc.. also alot of angry stuff "keeping demons down" and stuff about "i alienated everyone again"... toxic relationships.. but in 6 mths all will be ok."" is this sort of rambings,, grandiose etc normal in bipolar../ how can i pray for him i am so hurt angry betrayed ??please write soon
HOPEFORMORE

Hi again everyone. I have been reading these posts every day, and wanting to respond to each and every one of them share my same stories with you all but each time I am stumped for words, shocked of the similarities, confused of the emotions, it is amazing. I have lived with my spouse for 3 years not fully understanding and taking each and every action personally. I still do, it is hard to get used to that a bi-polar is no in their right mind.You all have helped me understand their mind a little better but still so much confusion by how my wife is acting. They are so similar to your stories. I understand the feeling of betrayal the most. I feel so embarrased by my wife's actions, I feel hurt betrayed and meaningless. In fact I am seriously thinking this is affecting me mentally as well because I have never been so depressed so worn down. I feel Im in a tornado sometimes with all this stuff hitting me at once. My wife knows I no longer have anyone in my life, I have no family, my mother who was my only other person in my life had passed away too last year and affected me in ways I cannot begin to explain. These special occasions coming and going with my wife not being around shocks me and I hate myself for thinking of her as self-fish, evil and cold. It is not my right to judge and I should be judging the disease but it is so hard, I am so angry.. one second Im sad, the next so angry I pray for her one day and curse her the next. I love my wife very much and It hurts to see all these people loving their spouse but recieving so much of this hurt. My partner and I promised we would never spend a night apart when we first met. Lately we are spending more nights away with no contact than we are togeather. I know where my wife is, in a house full of complete strangers doing drugs, being around other men, I hear her stories running around town how a bad person I am telling personal things about our relationships, not feeling a ounce of remorse for her actions. Every time I try to contact her she just hangs up , she ignores emails and it hurts. She isnt even the same person I once knew . It is like everything was planned and calculated right down to stealing the TV. She knows that our house is on the line on the verge of being evicted (I was supposed to be evicted tomorrow because she stole the rent money but fortunatly I worked extra hours to come up with most of the cash) she doesnt even check to see if I am alive. She isnt even the same person I know and her actions are causing me so much resentment towards her.
How do I know she is having a manic episode and not just using bi-polar as an excuse? How do I know when the Mania truely ends before it starts over? How do I know the person I so much fell in love is really just a fake or a front for her true self. Perhaps being bi-polar her mean side is the real person?
If anyone would like to chat on MSN or privately I have no problem. I would like to talk to people more on this and share stories. I am could go on forever because I have so much to say so much built up inside me.
This is so hard but I look forward to each and every post

hopeformore and bubba, I hear your pain, i feel it, i am living it...Right now, remember, BP manic peopel have no conscience, they dont care, they are not capable.. we all have the same exact things going on, loved ones ill, us making ourselves ill, special dates and they cant think about us.... its not in them... They will someday,r emember that, and they will suffer more than we have, cause of the shame and guilt.. I am by no means sticking up for them.. but this is one nasty illness, and its not like other illnesses, this one affects your mind, how you behave.. etc... like i said before you both must read read read.. that book i suggested i love it cause she has to remind herself every day.. this is not my husband, this is an illness it is real.. we continue to go back to "this illness cant make them act this way" but it does... Right now all you can do is detach... get away from the abuse and the hurt and the sadness, realize what you are dealing with.. take care of yourself or you will make yourself sick.. seek help from counselors that can deal with spouses of bp loved ones, cause not everyone is up on this.....please please please...try to understand that you have to take care of you...you will need it for whats to come....they will come back and it will be your decision to stay or go... take care of your families and most importantly yourself... you are important you are wonderful.. they love you, this is not a direct hit on you...they cant help themselves... can you see that a person taht does these things are ill, yah some "regular" people act this way too , but we know better our loving spouses are sick... One more time i will say take care of yourself... seek help.. talk to peoople that understand and it will be ok, heck i still miss my husband like crazy, and he has been gone 3 months...

one more thing, dont call them dont email them , it only hurts, the rejection is too painful.. wait if it kills ya for them to call you.............

How can you be so sure they will come back? How do you this isnt the last time you see this person. Like Hopeformore, I too fear abandonment and I don't understand no matter how distorted the mind can be, how it could forget about love it shouldnt be something you can turn on and off. No matter how mad I am or what she does I love her unconditionally. I understand about faith, I do pray every single day, trust me but I find it getting harder every time this happens. I worry if she ever does get out of her mania that it will be too late for her. She will either kill herself with the drugs, or become suicidal. If I didnt chase her before, she had told me she would not have ever come back because she thought I would hate her or never talk to her again. This is what happened 10 years ago, and I didnt see her for 7 years and she moved on, had a child, and I moved on and had a child. If I had known how she felt about me, and had she known how I felt about her, and we could change back time we would have had this family togeather, not apart. In this course she developed even more problems, she had been raped, abused, almost killed.
I feel caught in a dillema I called a health line today and I have an option of having a emergency mental health service pay her a visit where she is and assess her situation and hopefully get her on meds but I worry this will make her hate me even more. Do I do this or do I wait for her to do this on her own? I will try and find this book you are talking about . I am so anxious to read it. I have never been weak before, I never needed to seek help or counselling before but this last episode had put me on the edge.

you are not WEAK, to stay with someone that has hurt you like this is strength... SOme people may say we are crazy to put up with this.. but they dont understand that they are so loving when they are ok....the only way i know they will crash and come back is by all the things and books i have read.. yes there is a chance they wont. there is a chance that something really bad will happen to them, and there are so many what 'ifs' we wont know till it happens.. BUT God is so powerful, if you belive he can intervene and make this alright, he will. you must have faith.. i know how hard it is ... i argue with GOD all the time....well i do the arguing...i too feel so abandoned, it hurts so bad.. .BUt think of this.. you are a wonderful guy, and she knows this, if she cant see that you dont want her anyway, but the thing is we are dealing with an illness of the mind... we cant beat that, but they will fall and they "usually" turn to the one that loves them... The drug part is real hard to, cause once they start self medicating, then you got to get them clean, and into meetings etc.. its not an easy life for us that love them...but people have survived.. Id ont know if this is proper but there are other threads for spouses of people with bp and they have such great advice and encouragement...I can only listen, try to let you know what i have learned and we can all get through this together... I get so envious when i here of other spouses, that take there meds, stay with their wives or husbands.. but remember this too.> God is sparing you pain, as much as you dont believe that.. I believe he removed my husband from me, cause he was hurting me so much, now i dont have to see the destruction, i am safe, and i have to concentrate on me and me alone... I know one more thing i did wrong.. I put my husband first not GOD, so now i can only turn to GOD>.. hang in there, thats all ic an keep saying... keep busy, know you are a good man, and you are loved, yes we are human we make mistakes.. but you are good, and she knows it tooo... god bless

Bubba and Star
thanks for your words... they do give me comfort in this time.. but i do feel the same way as you Bubba.. how can this be "true love" real love.. it is not supposed to hurt so much.. I dont know if my husband was on his meds or not... i am now starting to feel if he was maybe it was me that pushed him over the edge didnt appreciate him etc??? but why didnt he tell me before acting like this? he said i was his famiy.. he left me and our dog for his parents...it doesnt seem at all consistant? he didnt abandon his family-mom and dad?? he went to them so why this to me? he filed for divorce and i have contacted a lawyer and this is not going to get better... he seems to have no remorse/care at all about me/us etc... at night i try so hard to fight off the feeling of going there finding him and demanding answers... but it is soo hard... i would have helped him through anything.. i dont understand .. i know i wasnt perfect made mistakes got angry but to just disappear from my world like nothing?? i want to just get him in a room and demand answers... Bubba, I cant believe how loyal loving faithful a man/husband you are... she was soo lucky to find anyone close to your character and i am sorry i still dont get it... how she can do that.. i wish one day to find/meet someone half as loyal and loving as you appear to be... all i ever wanted was the simple things in life.. to hold hands, watch the sunset, laugh ... why does this have to be so difficult... why am i being treated like a murderer, an adulterer etc...? i dont think it is healthy just to spend my life waiting around for him to "decide" its ok to come back to me.. illness or not.. he must have some responsibility... or learn some ...
thanks again

ooh one more thing.. bubba stop hating /judging yourself for seeing your wife as selfish and cold.. that is exactly how she/they are... I dont know how you or me or anyone can see it any other way illness or not...one day i hope to get to that point of true detachment and letting go but the actions of our loved ones are selfish cold robotic disassociated... it reminds me almost what one expert had said about scott peterson..cant remember the exact quote...

hopeformore,
Dont think i have not felt or said the same things you have over and over............I get angry, sad, hopeful, many many different emotions..mmmm that doesnt sound good... THis is what i know, they have an illness, and yes we knew that or know it now.. They cannot control how the react to there emotions some times just like us.. i have to be sympathetic, because that is what GOd wants.. i do not have to stay in a situation like this if i dont want too... we have a choice...And this is how i look at it, when the pain gets great enough, then we change and that goes for BP spouses as well as BP's. We cant fault them for being sick, but it is our responsibility not to allow ourselves to go down with the ship... Pray a lot and see how strong you become and then you will decide what is best for you regardless of them.

ps, I forgot what I really wanted to say... My spouse keeps in contact with mom and dad too.. you know why cause they allow him to be whatever he wants to be, they enable him, we dont allow that we want respect and for them to get help, and to stop acting the way they are acting and if your spouses parents are anything like mine... they dont ask anything of him, but to keep in touch..

I feel so often that I push my wife over the edge too I feel so much regret in my life and no matter how hard I try not to, I can't help think of the what "If's" in life. What a big change in scenerio if I did one small thing different. I feel the exact same way that I am treated like I am some kind of criminal, abuser, etc. too. What I don't get is when someone new comes in her life and knows her one day she chooses them over me. I am so worthless, I given up alot, I lost alot yet 13 years of knowing eachother means F' all. I wish my wife would go to her parents. Because of her lies, and what she says or does, her entire family is against me. They blame me for taking her away and her not coming around, they think I am the worse person on earth. THey too treat me like a murderer, or criminal. THey wont put up with my wife now, either because she runs away when the going gets tough. Now when she runs off , she goes to stanger's houses and spends nights there. It is fusterating. I am so desperate for answers

bubba, i beat myself up for weeks after my husband left, and i can see now, nothing i could of done differently would of changed his leaving....we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we could handle things better or differently, but we are dealing with a sickness.. i was loving and caring, others where too, it didnt help... some of us our cruel without meaning to be, just like them, but know you did nothing wrong....yes though go to strangers, doesnt it make sense, cause they dont know there DEAL.. they dont know they are ill, they arent asking them to stop acting like they are acting, but i have seen it with my husband, anyone that asks anything of him, even his close friends, they want to hold him accountable.. he does not associate with them any more.. and these are people he loved as well.. strangers are good for them cause they dont require anything of them.. once they do they will be history too.. I feel your pain, i am with you.. know this, and each day it gets better, just do one thing for me... STOP blaming your self, nothing we say or do can MAKE someone do something.. remember that.. we are not that powerful.. we cant control another human being.. ALANON taught me, no matter what I say or what i do another person will do what they want... When my actions arent a reaction to them anymore, then they start to change. Belive me it takes time but it works.. progress not perfection.. no one is perfect.. so go easy on you.. try to enjoy what you enjoy right now...

Thanks for your words, but it is so hard to enjoy ANYTHING when the one person you learned to share everything with is gone. I am sure you understand that as we all are in the same boat. Just when I figure how to cope with one thing something new comes up. My weakness is I cannot deny, I cannot turn away, I cannot say "no" to someone I love. I should because I know I am drowning with my wife.
A new twist to the story. My wife did come back yesterday Not because she missed me, not because she loved me, but to pick up a cheque in the mail that didnt come in. I ended up cancelling work, to spend time and get some answers. She apologized to me on the things she done promised to get pills and even go to the hospital. She told me how she will never do this again or talk to the people she was with. She ended up passing out for hours, and I didnt get much info out of her except that she had sold my $3000 TV set for $600.00 and blew it on drugs for the past few days. She also told me she had arranged to cut the cable/ internet at my place because she didnt want me to email or call. (If I am not online for awhile this is the reason) As I always do I forgave her. By midnight , her friend that she only knew for a week (Also Bi-polar) came by the house. to talk to Deyonna. Once again she managed to convince her to leave with her and once again Im back in the same predicament as we speak. It never ends It getrs worse and I cant control the ups and down she brings with my emotions.
I am now an ass, and she will forever hate me. I called up Emergency Mental Health and they will probably be going to the address she is at to pick her up and take her to the hospital > She will never forgive me, and she will be even more angry than she already is. I was caught in a turmoil but I want to see her do so much better. I am hurt and feel I had to betray her for the first time. To make matters worse, the police are requesting me to do a statement on the TV now and want crown to charge her. I don't think I can do this. I am so lost and hurt. The only thing that gives me a bit of relief is here. And even that I am on borrowed time because my internet can be cut off at any time. It is like she purposely wants to destroy my life and make things difficult. I still love her more than anything.

If I do lose touch, My MSN is bubbanutstinkerpunk@hotmail.com I would love to talk to you guys

you did what you thought was best, now the only thing i can say in my experience with the drug abuse, if she goes to the hospital she is also going to need long term drug rehab, you cant allow her in your home until at least 6 months of being clean and sober and on meds for the bipolar.. that is what i advised.. Ihave been through it many times.. when my husband went back tot the drugs he was not allowed back in the house, until he got help and you know where he got help, prison.. that was his long term care, and you would think it would of taught him. .huh... not on your life.. Get out of God's way and let him do his work in her... you cant fix or help her, only he can, and by letting her fall that will be her saving grace and yours as well.. when we help we are really hurting, we are prolonging the inevitable.. she needs to fall hard, and i am sorry for other Bpers who dont like what i say, this is from exerience..I have to tell ya though bubba i have been leanin gmore towards walking away myself.. i cant keep doing this, if he wanted help and tried i would be there in a heartbeat, but he is showing me that he does not want to live the life i want so be it. its time to think this through... God bless and take care.