Make a connection, ask a question, share a concern, give advice or just chat. Our message boards connect you with a community of people who understand where you’re coming from and what you’re going through.
Is it just me or does every bipolar person have difficulties in marriage due to manic phases, med changes & mood swings?????? I recently realized that he's basically alone in our marriage because I'm always scattered by one of the above mentioned issues. And by admitting he's alone I'm admitting that I am too & that's truly scary to me after 21 years not to mention incredibly sad
Hi, Reboo. The stats for bipolar relationships are pretty distressing. One study found a third of bipolar patients were currently married, another third single, and the rest were separated, divorced, or widowed.
On the other hand, 21 years of marriage suggests that both of you have a lot going for you. In fact, many of your husband's traits may contribute very positively to the relationship - sociability, humor, creativity, productivity, and spirituality are just a few that come to mind. True, many normal people have these traits, but we need to give bipolar a little credit here. After all, this illness gets a bad rap for all the rotten behaviors. At least give it its due for some good ones.
As for the rotten behaviors, they do pose a special challenge to relationships, but the fact that you have gone through 21 years together speaks volumes for your compassion and patience and love.
Bipolar is a very isolating illness, and even in relationships we can find ourselves feeling alone and cut off, which of course leaves you temporarily out in the cold at times.
The good news is these situations are never permanent. When you have this illness you learn to value things that others take for granted. One of them is a strong and lasting loving relationship. I am not your husband, but speaking for myself this is something I treasure like you wouldn't believe. Believe me, he knows you're the best thing that ever happened to him.
Check out my bipolar articles and blog on HealthCentral.
Thanks for bringing up something that many of us face every day of our lives. John is a very wise man, and has some great information there. I can't add much to what he says, except for some personal input.
I have been married 25 years, and none of those years were easy. But that being said, it has been worth all the work we have put into it.
My diagnosis of bipolar disorder was the greatest thing that happened in our marriage. We now understand what is going on, and we work together to minimize the affects of my mood swings.
Try to focus on the positives, for example if you get hypomanic, schedule some "alone together" time for the two of you. It makes the other times so much easier to handle. Find an outlet for your mania. I write and blog, and that is an invaluable outlet. I am able to "purge" many of my thoughts I'd rather not lay on my wife. Finally, keep the communication open - let him know what is going on, and what to expect.
Stay in touch!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: GJ Gregory,
My unmedicated bipolar husband (gone a year now, no contact on his part) has given away some personal posessions (mine). Does this happen during depressive or manic episodes? He also hangs up the phone when I call, has a relationship with an ugly, vulgar woman the age of his daughter, she works at his office and others have heard him call her "my love" in public, does he really think he is in love with her? It's been a year now, he seems to work fine in his profession, appears normal and happy to everyone else, has pulled away from his children and friends, but at least to them he answers the phone. How much longer can this go on? Thank you, I am so desperate.
Sounds like your husband may be going through a bit of mid-life crisis and his BP is just making it worse. I know 2 women who were married roughly 30 years and their spouses just up and left. Their spouses weren't BP that I know of but it could be just that. I can imagine though having BP would make things much more worse.
Mr. Mcmanamy, I have been married alittle over a year and his manic episode has abandon me. I have hope and a prayer, and I hope he does realize how much I love him.. I just hope I dont have to wait a year for him to come down of this high...It is so heartwrenching, especially when you are the one left and you are the one that wants your spouse back, and you know you cant do anything or fix him....its so sad....
WoW! I do not mean this in any negative way but I have been a spouse of a bipolar sufferer for 3 years (Had a past relationship with her 10 years ago as well) Unfortunatly I have been ignorant in not researching bipolar and have only recently gained some insight of it. No way did I know other people have had similar experiences to me and I want everyone to know how it provides great relief to know I am not the only one and it isnt myself to completley blame. Now my story....
Once again my spouse has suffered a manic episode..this time probably the biggest one of them all . What I thought was a small fight over eating a stupid piece of pizza that I had saved for myself resulted in my wife separating from meand selling my brand new 57" High definition TV worth a few thousand for a few hundred dollars. When we were fighting earlier in the day , it ended as " you will see what a bitch I can be" I gave my wife some time to calm down, and sure enough she did. We spent the rest of the evening going out for dinner, talked then I had to go to work and chatted on msn on and off throughout the night exchanging "I Love You's" and planning the rest of the evening looking forward to spending time alone and a nice walk after meeting me at work. However my wife did not meet me , I went home only to find her toothbrush gone, My bigscreen TV missing, the door open and other misc items gone. My wife has done similar things before but not to this magnitude. I later found my TV posted on a local internet classified and she had apparently sold it within a few hours while chatting to me on MSN. This is day 2 and still my wife is missing. To make matters worse, she did this on the very evening of me and my mother's (whom only died a year ago) birthday. I am not sure if I should give up on her. I know deep down inside she will come back as she has in the past and try and seek help. She has been off meds more than she is on, and although she wants to be on medication, she often runs out and becomes lazy and forgetful in seeing a doctor. My one true love is my bi-polar spouse. I miss her and I await every second hoping to hear from her waiting for the chance for her to come back. My heart goes to all those who are waiting and hoping too..
Bubbanutstinkerpunk, I want to say first off, I like your screen name, it made me smile...Please know you are not alone, there are so many stories on other boards as well with the same exact patterns...Realize that this is not your loving spouse, she cannot control her mind....They do not do this to us on purpose, but on another note, they do have to take responsibilty for there actions at some point... All you can do right now, is take care of yourself...you will need your strength of what is yet to come.... Most likely once the mania subsides, (my spouse is going on 3 months now) she will see what she has done and then with the guilt and shame it is up to her how she takes care of herself... We cant do anything for them, no matter how hard we try... detach with love right now, find a support group and these boards are great... it wont take the pain out of your heart, but you do find peace knowing that its not your fault and that she is not doing this TO you.. even though it feels that way... Read everything and anything you can so you can understand... Like i said take care of yourself.. Let her be, we cannot enable them... they have to have consequences no matter how hard, otherwise they dont hit there so called bottom....She will realize what she has done...pray alot too.. it helps. God Bless
ps, one more thing, realize this, when manic, a person does not have a conscience, So let me say to you happy birthday, and i am sorry for your mom...My pouse too has left me, and i am going through a lot of things too, they dont recognize birthdays, illness, anniversaries, etc etc....they dont care about anything except how good they think they are feeling.. so hang in there. I know it hurts, Remember too, things stress them out, like happy occasions as well as bad, and they dont handle it like most...Things we see as little things are big things to us... One more note, we had a huge arguement or he argued i listened over a bagel, so your pizza story really hit home.. we are all in this together.
Starr, your posts among others has helped so much in giving me insight and understanding in this illness. I thank you for your time and sharing your story. I feel for you as well and know it must be hard. The longest I have been apart from my spouse was 2 weeks, last month and I thought I would never see her again. This was the worst period of time for me ever so I can only imagine your position being 3 months. Is this the longest you have been apart? The funny thing is just when you think you give up, and detach, you find yourself in the same position once again. Throughout this relationship I have lost everything. My house, home car, now I am barely keeping my head above water and am in debt, credit ruined, you name it. Every promise ever made togeather has been broken. I blame myself constantly for her actions ( I am partially to blame because of my ignorance, and not encouraging her meds). Since this is happening I haven't slept for days now and I sometimes feel I lose grip with reality, not knowing what and what isnt lies in my relationship, I feel I am losing my mind myself sometimes. If I could only know that my spouse still loves me as she had would provide enough relief. I hope too that they realize sooner or later what they had done but what I also found out in my experiences is shame and realization keeps them away even longer. How do you know when it is in fact a manic epispode or "they" have given up for good? My wife used to constantly say how she so much wanted to leave me just for the sake of not wanting to hurt me (Have you heard of the song: Blue October - Hate Me) Praying and hope has definitly helped me. I have so much to learn.
I hope i dont repeat myself, I am going back and forth between posts....Know this and know it well... I beat myself up for weeks on what I did or didnt do.. You cant do this.. you are dealing with an illness of the mind.. There is no right or wrong for you.. YOu cannot help another person, that is God's job.. you have to realize, this is not about love, just like drug abuse, its not about love...Please read that book i suggested you will see time and time again the author states this is not your spouse this person she is now... Yes they do give into the mania and think we are out to get them, but they know when there minds clear that is not the case... it is such an evil disorder, with a great deal of hurt going around all over. DO not enable her, stand your ground as much as it hurts...she needs help and stability before she can do for herself and be there for you.. Loving someone with BP takes a special kind of love and patience...BUt under no circumstances do we allow ourselves to get taken advantag of, or listen to the stuff they say to us. Be kind, loving and gentle, but firm, when she does come around and you will see God work his magic in her...She has not given up on you she has given up on herself... try not to personalize this... listen to me, all talk, my heart is breaking but i know what I should do...i cant take anything he says to me to heart, it will kill me and i know that no one can be that cruel especially if they are ill... Another hard thing is the whole world things they are ok, they can control it to a degree where others dont see they are really spiraling out of control.. once someone is on to them, they move on... you will see it will be ok, one way or another circumstances change... I love my husband as you love your wife.....and they know this and will realize it someday, wether its too late for us or not, who knows, but we get stronger everyday...and we will be able to handle whatever happens.
hi it is such a relief to hear all of you on this msg board. I am a 32 year old newlywed.. married to someone 38 diagnosed with bipolar given depakote and klonopin although he is not always honest about how he takes this as well as honest consistantly about anything.. we been only married since may.. by husband and i had a disagreement b/c he spent $17,000 on what he felt would help me in my professional practice ... we do not have this money and he as he tends to do charged this and did this without talking to me.. when i got upset about the cost since he is complaining about money ..he said fine i wont help u anymore i was just trying to help.. i told him i appreciated this gesture but in the future i would like to be more of a partner/team.. rather than him making unilateral decisions as he often does about issues affecting us both.. anyway that night he said he was sorry and asked me not to ever leave.. he also wrote me a long letter declaring his love and we will be a team for life etc etc... i wrote back how much i loved him but i needed to know in the future we could be partners and that his words wonderful as they were i needed to see implemented in action in the future ..the next day he apparently woke up and read this and took from it i was going to leave him.. but rather than talk/discuss with me he left the house early kissed me goodbye like nothing bad.. and called me at 4pm from his moms to say he went to an attorney signed papers and its over.??? he refused to see/talk to me or my family.. what kills me even more is that he did this on the day that my dad was getting more biopsy/tests for lung cancer.. my dad had confided this to him days earlier.. i sent him an email stating my dad does in fact have lung cancer and his response was "any further emails can be forwarded to my attorney" i cant understand this he loved my dad.. ??? and i go over and over in my head what i did the letter i wrote back but it only says how i love him and that i needed to see in the future we could be a team rather than continuing with unilateral decisions. anyway i tried to go to his parents house to see him and his mom said to leave because "its over" she hid him in their like a child.. then he ended up calling the police.. 3 days earlier he was planning a vactation??? i cant stop wondering i wont get closure as he refuses to speak /see me... my whole life changed in one day and i cant get any answers... someone please i cant stop blaming myself
Was your husband diagnosed BP prior to your wedding in May? I ask because if he was, did he show any signs before? You said you went to his parent's house to speak to him and his mom told you to leave and that they were hiding him "as if a child". Perhaps his mom was aware of his condition and thinks she is protecting him.
You did nothing wrong in stating what you did in your letter. You just wanted him to know that though you appreciated him charging the money in order to help you that you wanted to be consulted on any decisions of that magnitude. There is nothing wrong with that.
The not otherwise specified diagnosis means the doctor doesn't know what is wrong because it isn't clear but knows something is so, he is trying him on the "drugs" to see if he gets an appropriate response. He may neither be BP I or BP II. He may just be Major Depressive.
Oh and the drugs normally take upwards of 6-8 weeks for full effect though the mood stabilizer can take as short as a week to start though a small start. That is if he is taking it as prescribed. If not, then it takes much longer.
BP is a evil twisted illness of the mind. It causes so much distortion and twists the way it thinks. It causes auditory and visual hallucinations at times and the emotions are all up and down but backwards. It is not easy on the one who suffers, it can be quite hellish.
The one who suffers acts not rationaly to those around because they are acting on their thoughts and emotions at that time. Lots of scenarios play out in the mind that aren't based in true reality when the BP one is depressed or manic and paranoia and anger set in. All due mainly in part to a chemical shift causing an inbalance in the frontal lobe which is the area of thought, emotional, reasoning, and feeling.
It is hard on the SOs and others around them, it is very hard to watch their BP loved one come apart because that is basically what they are doing. It is an insidious disease.
I know, I am BP II with mixed symptoms. That is I can be manic and severely depressed at the exact same time. Mind wants to race at 1000mph but the mind also wants to shut down at the exact same time, sometimes. Sort of overloads and smokes the gears, kinda.
This may not help, don't know, hope it explains a bit, don't know. Keep praying for him, keep praying for him. Keep praying.
not to mention incredibly sad
