Bipolar Depression

I am more torn both ways if anything. I am even having trouble sorting through my own emotions lately . Understanding their condition, what goes on in their mind, the thought train, kinda helps because from what I understand they do have a conscience in the end (?) . At least I hope so because I know my wife sees the rights and wrongs of most things in the end, at least she says so. They apparently live with alot of regret and hurt, and seeing that hurts me. It is hard for me to turn my head and I know that enables. I mentioned in one of my posts the same thing (sociopathic/psychopathic) and they seem so similar in behaviour if it was like this all the time I would of ran a long time but it is the memories, the good times , seeing how they can love that keep me around. I know it would be better for me to move on, For some people they can and "should" but for me, I tried this for 7 years and it was impossible.If my wife was to only look me in the eyes and tell me she doesnt love me and I knew in my heart that she truely means this I could put closure. At the same time, I question whether she does, every single day and moment she is gone, but it is the questionable that is keeping me here. I have made lots of mistakes in my life, and my promises and vows is the only thing I have left that I have not broken. I made my bed and I have already chosen this path. THere must be some reason for it and all this suffering cannot be for nothing? I want to be loved the way I love too and I just hope being there for her, and loving her no matter what will one day make her realize...
My wife always say to me,... "run away, far away, I break everything I touch" she tells me to go away before she hurts me more and asks me to hate her, she tells me how she brings nothing but bad things in my life. I am haunted by these words all the time, because it is her turmoil. I am trying to understand it but it is so hard.

I just read this a few weeks ago, sometimes our pain is to help others that are heading for destruction and that was from a christian devotional page...bubba i am with you.. I feel all that you do and we are all having the same symptoms. dont think for one minute she is enjoying herself and not feeling much more pain than we are... i know i talk alot about how they are out there havingfun, etc.. depending onmy emotions at the moment.. But i need to grab hold of my emotions now.. we are dealing with an illness of the mind, no logic there, this is not a logical situation adn we cant figuer it out logically we are all running on emotions.....BUt as i was going to say dont think for one minute that she will suddenly fix herself and then live happily ever after with someone else.. that is our fear i know.. and if we move on we dont want someone getting our spouse whole when we worked and loved so hard, adn they didnt come back to us whole... KNow this... that 100% it wont be the case they will not be fixed cause they left us... take that to heart.. she is not going to give someone else all that you wanted from her... that i know... I think like that too A lot. ok, now believ it or not i am at work, how cool is that i can do this at work, i am doing my work too, so thats good.

starr thats it!! exactly my fear..someone else is better healthier sexier more adequate than me.. what do they have that i dont.. what if i see him holding hands kissing dating someone else.. what did she do that i couldnt do.. did i demand to much ? do to little/ not enough??? fear i will see him happy vitale alive with someone else...relieved to be over me as he seems not to care less now.. he changed his number filed for divorce is moving back it appears to our apt and all in 3 weeks... why and if he does get married again /have kids what does she have that i dont// will he stay? be different?? how can i convince him to take me back.. all these conflicting things yet i know somewhere in my head i wasnt so happy with him.. does this make sense?

It makes alot of sense.. Sometimes its a case of i cant live like this, but i dont want anyone else to have them after all the work i put into them.. You know our hearts hurt and our self esteem is at an all time low.... Evenutally they will get help or we will move on.. we can hope and pray and wait.. .we will know what to do when the time is right.. remember if they choose not to get help they will be the same person and if they do choose to be with someone else, they will get exactly what we got...

starr i want so much to take comfort in what you have said/written but for me i know my husband is getting his meds..depakote klonopin and he sometimes takes another sleeping med (as if he isnt drowsy enough at times) he goes weekly to a psychiatrist.. who seems to be "uncoventional" they talk about budda etc and he falls asleep during the sessions.. at the time he LEFT we were having couple counseling with a therapist who he was having ind. therapy with also.. since he left he has shut down all contact with her.. she feels he is a "psychopath" and that she blames herself for misssing soo many clues looking back.. as she was shocked at his just leaving like that.. so in a sense when you say when he choosses to get help... what if he is on meds... and does this anyway.. i only know he spent alot of money while supposedly taking meds b/c he does get them and i have seen him take continues going to psychiatrist? does this mean he is getting help? or just not the right help? i mean, how could any psychiatrist justify or encourage what he did?? what help do u mean?? what if he just cut me off and all that has to do with me and he is on meds... then how can i comfort msself that its the disease/?? please help me in this ???

hope that last msg made sense i mean if he is getting the help he is supposed to... which only means getting meds taking them and talking to this budda-psychiatrist about politics etc... as he lacks consistancy... and still acts like this to me on meds is that him making this decison rationally ...??? but how can he do this rationally totally abandon.. but still be on meds... i know his parents dont understand bipolar and i know he has prescriptions but dont know how regularty he takes... he also stopped REAL therapy only going to budda type psychiatrist which doesnt really deal with issues as he is not really able to articulate them anyway???

Hopeformore, Isnt this the most illogical illness, we cant make sense out of something that is so not in the realms of our comprehension. I only can look at it this way. Since my husband is a "recoverying addict/alcoholic I have learned this. You can go to AA meetings, and still be sick, you can go to the meetings and still drink or drug, you can work the program to the best of your ability and your still not getting well.. I know for me my husband believes in GOD, and I know that he knows what is acceptable in the program and what isnt.. but he still chooses, to hang with unhealthy people, lie, pick a sponser that lets him get away with bad behavior etc etc... What i am getting at, is you can have your meds, go to the doc, and pray to your GOD...but if you arent truthful with yourself and really doing all that you know that you should be doing then you are not gonna get well....Its a matter of continuing to seek the proper help, the proper meds, etc...what is good for some isnt necessarily good for others, so you need to keep changing and doing what you need to do for you.. Maybe he does need different meds, a different doc... It is all up to the inidivdual to say, "hey, this isnt working i need to do it differently....I am so happy that your spouse is trying and that he is doing the best he can, and i pray he will realize that he needs to continue and keep seeking counsel and finding the right balance for him..Its harder because sometimes there mind doesnt allow them to make the right decisions, but they do have moments of clarity where they can see that they need to do something different.. I hope i am making sense... I am just happy that your spouse is with you, and i will pray that he will have the trust in you so you can help him see that maybe he needs to change meds/doctors or whatever is best for him... That is what i wanted so badly that my husband would trust me enough to at least voice my "opinion" on what i saw, and he just thought iw as crazy.. God bless, and keep doing what your doing... it will be ok..

starr
just read your post.. NO my spouse is not with me .. he left me 3 weeks ago as of last monday and has cut off any/all contact with me as if i am the evil one.. i am just going on info re; meds and his dr that i had known from when we were together.. he basically does what he wants and what he decides is the right thing at the right moment for him with little/no regard for my insight opinions etc... but what i was originally asking you i guess is why now? he was taking this med and going to this same dr. over a year and yes he had problems but he never left just like that so why now?? if the meds/ and his doctor are the same? i guess i will never get closure from him and i hope one day not to keep blaming myself saying what did i do to aggrevate him cause this b/c he never ran from me before... i know he spent always tons of money but he would never jsut up and leave ? any answers ? thanks so much

I have finally reached my limit, I thought I could handle it, I thought I could carry on but all your words, hope, and prayers, kept me going but I have reached my last straw. I dont want to, but now I am forced to. I have yet to read all the posts here as I have been gone a few days. I don't know if they will provide me any more relief any more. I have given up on any hope and faith I had little of.
My wife had come back at last, at least I hoped. I am so confused and lost. Once again, I trusted her. She was supposed to get help. We were prepared to go to counsilling, go to the hospital anything we could do to save us. She told me she was sorry she took the TV it will never happen again, that she loved me...however I come home, this time more stuff missing, including the computer. The only thing I have left of value, my memories, my pictures; my whole life is on the computer. In fact it is my only communication. My wife is gone once again nowehere to be found no warning, no indication. The police finally found my comnputer in a pawnshop today and it is siezed and in police possession. My wife is waiting to be investigated by police once again and perhaps may be arrested for B&E. I am full of questions why my wife would do this yet again.
On my way home tonight I see my wife ride by in a car with an older man knowing where they are heading I go to the house that I figured she was staying. All I wanted to do was ask her to go to the hospital get help, and she freaked. She told me she loved me but could not be with me. I was supposed to be the shoulder she cries on, the person she runs to but instead she turns to this other guy. He calls the police, and I tell them that she needs to go to the hospital and get assessed as Emerg. Medical Resp. Team was lookign for her, Meanwhile my wife asks to have me arrested for harrassment They didnt even bother to ask me questions, just wrestled me to the ground, cuffed me and threw me in a cell. I am released on a promise to appear in court exactly a month from now. I also have a condition that I cannot be 100 yards from her, contact her in any way etc. The police officer does not think it is even fair that I am going through all this but had no choice because that is what she wanted and asked for. I have never been arrested in my life, hurt this woman or did anything but love her cherish her and honour her. She watched me as the police cuff me and take me away , and does nothing except turn away and walks away with this stranger. I come home and I find out I also lost my job because of all the negativity around me.
I am haunted by words the police told me today, To not fight this order. TO let it wait a month and I will see how I do not need this person in my life They said she has caused nothing but problems,I am better off without her and that they deal with alot of Bi-polar people on a regular basis, some not even being treated. He told me that this kind of behaviour isnt a reflection on her mental health but more so her personality. Maybe it is true. But I loved this woman. Is love really that blind?

Bubba, I hate to say t his, but sometimes the Lord does what we cannot.. i can tell you stories of loved ones, with arrests, restraining orders etc... Now is the time, to step back, take care of YOU, not her, she is not the person you love right now, drugs make them so much more out of reach, it is not a matter if she loves you or not.. Drugs make you steal, lie, do criminal things, etc.. she will fall, and if she ends up in jail, then that is what she needs, to be so out of control sometimes we need outside forces to stop us... Please work on your self worth, seek counseling, make sure you seek couseling with someone that knows BP... please keep your memories, but realize that person is not there.. drug abuse is a long long road... you should look into ALANON meetins as well.. I hated going to them, but they saved my butt... hang in there, we are here and keep telling yourself this is not my wife, she is not reachable right now.. and look to GOD.. he can get you through, but you have to surrender to him.
Hopefor more, I know what your saying, why now, why when he was on meds.. all i can say is from everything i read.. Meds need to be changed a lot, psychotherapy is important so when they see they are spinnin gout of control they reach out for help and tell there doctors.. this illness is so i think i heard a doctor call it morbid...there is no cure, some do great on meds and couseling others, it gets worse.. i know it gets worse with age....sometimes the mania goes on and on.. have you read.. "what goes up, must come down" by judy eron.. I advise you to get it... it explains so much that we cannot phathom.. My spouse too, jsut before he left wrote me emails, called me a hundred times a day just to say how he loved me.. and he was usually crying... then bam, he is gone, no word, no care, he just cut me off as well.. this is what i know, that when they look at us, and think we are evil.. which is what i got too, they are seeing us telling them your not well, and they dont want to hear that when they are manic... they think they feel great, so why should they stop.. they cant control it...we are like a mirror looking back at them telling them they are sick and no one want sto hear it, even if they know it....part of BP i also learned is that they stop taking there meds....when they feel manic, and you can have mania while on meds, they stop taking them... I can only encourage you to have Faith take care of yourself, and he will be back when he crashes.. there is no explanation why he left now.. its his mind and a mind is something so powerful that we cant explain it...I hope that you know you are not alone, I have heard of maybe 15 men and woman doing the same exact things, word for word, since i found these boards, i know there are many more... It has nothing to do with love for us... its an illness that is so hurtful to both spouses... pray for him, and i will pray for you as well... Take care and keep writing.

Bubba
i am so sorry for you and what u are going through.. i had a bad feeling when u stopped going on these boards.. i am not even sure if your wife is only bipolar.. they say sometimes this diagnosis occours simulaneosly with borderline personality .. know this u will be okay if u stay with her though you will drown.. she will continue to take all of you not just material items your spirit soul etc.... i know u may not want to hear this now but i am sayng it cause i care IT WILL NOT GET BETTER I PROMISE THAT !!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS... WHATEVER SHE TOOK NOW U GOT OFF CHEAP... IMAGINE PUTTING INVESTING MORE TIME ENERGY LOVE YEARS ETC... PLEASE LISTEN I KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING... YOU NEED TO BEGIN TO GIVE YOURSELF THE LOVE YOU WANT SO BADLY FROM HER... I WISH WE ALL LIVED CLOSER SO WE COULD MEET IN PERSON FOR SUPPORT... JUST KNOW U ARE NOT ALONE WE CARE AND ARE HERE FOR U

I ask the same question day after day, why now? and blame myself too and nothing changes this. Like in other relationships described in these posts, there has been hints here and there of certain signs but never been to the extreme they are right now and to where we are left in total abandonment with no feelings of remorse. Has anyone else noticed the progression as the relationship goes on? When my wife first ever just left and walked away when the going got rough it was a few hours, then over the years it progressively gotten worse, to overnights, then a couple days, now it is weeks and seeing other's like you, Hope/Starr almost months! Everyone says with time it gets easier , but for me every day is harder, and I ponder over even more questions. I wonder how each day goes by they cannot have the same questions we do or think of us.
I guess we all are in the same situation , just have different stories but the same conclusion. We are all drowning as we speak still suffering for our spouses actions. Little do they know as their life goes on we are being haunted and it changes us forever, and changes our perspection on life. Meanwhile we are blamed for thier actions because to them we did something wrong and we are searching for what it is.
It is the time, energy,and love that is already invested that makes letting go even harder, yet to our spouses, we are just another leaf in the wind, with no care where it is blown off to. I am no more important than a stranger and it hurts to feel this way so it makes it harder to love myself when I am so meaningless. Our sanity here relys on our support for eachother. It is nice to have this connection and understanding.

I to am bipolar.I have a boyfriend who has depression,so its very easy to hurt him.hes not speaking to me right now because,I said alot of things i really didnt mean.I love him so much,But I've never been able to tell him.I dont take any pills for my condision,not yet anyways.but the times when I feel alright,It seems hes never there,so I can tell him how much i care.I hope he doesnt leave me over this.I just cant help myself(jonathan I just want you to know Iam going to make everything up to you when I get better)I PROMISE.I love you so much and hope you can see through my ilness to who i really am.Over the last year I have hurt alot of my family members as well.My sister wont talk to me anymore.my mom thinks iam crazy.I really wish I could fix everything.I just dont know how.I've been seeing someone for it and will be geting treated soon.but iam not sure if i can fix the problems ive cause.

Theres not alot of people who will talk to me when they find out that iam not taking anything for this.Its like everone thinks of me like a crazy person who can just go off at any time.Its true that i do some time but I wish they could realize that its not me,I wish i could help it but i cant untill i get the treatment i need.I dont think the jonathan even knows what it is,thats the reason iam so worryed about losing him.Before i knew i was bipolar,he thought my sister was nuts because she has HDHD.He said your not like that are you,of corse i said no.and then my mom took me to a mentel health center and they said i was bipolar and gave me all kinds of papers about not hurting myself or others,I told jonathan and after that everything went down hill.I miss him so much and would do anything to be with him.Iam so afraid of alot of things,but when iam with him i feel safe. happy at time.like nothing in the world could go wrong,but thin i have a manic attack or get really anger or depressed.i love him and my big sis so much i would do anything to have them back.my sis used to help me with alot of stuff i went through untill her boyfriend raped me.now she hates me and wont come near me because i all most killed her boyfriend along with her and my brother.

Hello.I have read everyones comments and would like to thank you for letting me know I am not alone.I have been struggling in a relationship for 3 years with someone who is m/d.when we first met it was the best thing that ever happened to me.I never thought I could love someone so much!She told me right away that she was m/d or b/p.I thought nothing of it,not knowing the ride that I would soon be in for.Everything was better than perfect for about 3 months until i started to see how serious the matter was,of course by then I was already deeply in love.She started to lie constantly and when she did tell me the truth about things that she did wrong she acted as if though they were ok.She would dissapear out of my life for months at a time and come back as if nothing happened.I know that she has an alcohol problem and messes around with cocain sometimes(not that i think its ok at all).I just don't know what to do!She makes me feel like I am the one with the problem.I have stuck with her through this and feel like it is all for nothing.I have not seen her for 4 months now.Is it possible to push someone with m/d or b/p out of your life by trying to hard to make it work?