Bipolar Depression

My family and friends think I have lost my mind to have so much love for a man who is Bipolar. Some of my family members are scared he will hurt somone other than himself. I dont belive this to be true. I have known Dave for a year now and we have split up one time before which I now know was due to his condition. Now the worst has happened...he tried to commit suicide a week ago and is getting released from the hospital today. He has never come out directly and addmited to me of his disorder but in talking to his family I know it exists. Im wondering now how I can hep him and what is the best way to bring up the conversation of the fact I know what he has and I want to be here and help him with it so we can have as normal a future together as possible. I know he use to take meds and started feeling better and stoped, this was before we met. It seems so many things can cause his stress, even things I cant remove from my life...like my children and taking care of my elderly mother. He told me, in anger the day after while he was in the hospital, that he doesnt love me and I need to get on with my life. I told him I understand now everything he was saying...the hints...what it all ment. He says I will never understand. Im worried for him, for us.....Im confused....a ot of emotions. All I do know at this very moment is that I love him very much and want to help him but not sure how to approach him with my new found knowledge of his true medical state and afraid i may set him off again, by talking about it. what do I do????

Sue

Hi, Sue. I am both a bipolar patient and live with someone who has bipolar. I can assure you I make her life miserable at times and she can be the bane of my existence. But we obviously have a lot going in the relationship.

The bottom line is there can be no relationship if it is not based on trust and honesty. If Dave does not accept his diagnosis and accept responsibility for how his illness affects you then you need to seriously consider whether he is serious about the relationship.

He needs to stay on his meds and do whatever is necessary to keep a handle on his illness. There are no compromises with this. I'm a bipolar, but I have no sympathy for bipolars who take no responsibility for their illness. Don't be afraid to read him the Riot Act, if you have to. Hopefully, diplomacy can work first.

I'm sure Dave is a really great guy, and that you two can have a wonderful life together. But there are certain points in the relationship where you are going to have to take charge. Don't be a victim. Stand up for yourself. He's very lucky to have you, and just be there for him will greatly assist in his recovery.

Recommended reading: Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder by Preston and Fast.

I can't add much to John's response. But isn't it ironic that the things that can make a bipolar person so desirable are the things that can be so difficult to live with?

You say people are concerned he will "hurt somone other than himself." This implies rage issues, which is very common for us suffering from bipolar disorder. I agree 100% with John that you may need to step up. Will he allow you to take an active role in his recovery?

I wish both of you the best in your future together.

it's so nice to hear of couples working things out. My spouse left 3 months ago, mania has taken over. I pray that he will be ok, and someday see I am not the enemy, I love him with my whole heart and soul, if only he could of trusted me. We made a deal before we got married that if i saw erratic behavior he would trust me and get help.. that went right out the window.. I realize my part in all of this.. we have been through everything imaginable in the last year, death, our marriage, a big move, new jobs, stress stress stress, and I thought he was handling it all fine. Silly me. I just pray that he will come out of this ok and soon. How does other spouses cope with the abandonement... its heartwrenching. Thanks for being so open and honest in all your posts, you dont know how much it helps.

This forum has provided me so much help and relief this pass couple days. Starr, I too have been abandoned on and off now for 3 whole years. I guess we learn to accept things, and you re-assess what values and morals are important in life. Just when I think I am ready to let go and give up for some reason I am drawn to keep trying I dont understand it myself. I have lost my inheritence, life savings, house, brand new car and now find myself in debt not even being able to pay my rent in time in a course of 3 years being in a relationship with her. Just recently my wife just suddenly decided to separate once again this time selling my brand new bigscreen TV in a manic episode. Im left in a circle of lies and an empty house. I feel cold empty abandoned and scared I have no idea where or who my wife is with. Recently she had taken off with a roomate in my house. Little did I know this roomate was bi-polar too and involved with heavy drugs. Like other times, I end up putting the blame on myself for things that happen, and I live in hope that my one true love will only love me more for hanging on and being understanding. I feel like a complete doormat and every moment I breathe I ponder how things would only be different if changed something I said or did - I live in a world of regret and constant fear that I will never see my wife again . You never get used to it and it is hard, and emotionally draining so my heart goes out to you. You really learn to cherish the time you have in this world when things are good. Knowing you are not alone and groups such as this has made a tremendous difference. I thank everyone for sharing their stories, questions, and experiences

BubbaNutStinkerPunk, I have responded to you under another heading.. I wanted to tell you just how much we have in common, about the pizza fight, ours was a bagel... About the big screen tv, I have been lucky in that sense, when he left he kept saying all he wanted was the tv, well thank GOD i took his key and changed the alarm code. My spouse spent years medicating himself with drugs and alcohol so i knew how to protect myself... Everything i have been blessed with materialitic wise, has been through my hard work, of course everything i have had was his too, but i had to draw the line, normally in the past he would take from people, I have to say in his strange way he has never taken from me, he has always left and not demanded or taken a thing.. His truck is in my name and i am lucky enough to have him show up once a month with the payment... he still says he wants the tv and i know that means alot to him, but I also think he knows he is on a path of destruction and he isnt pushing the issue.. he has moved three times, in three months, he has changed his phone number 3 times, etc etc... i am happy he is continuing to do well on his job.. he has never held a job longer than 9 months so i pray he keeps that up.. but due to the mania its helping him cause he works alot of hours... anyway, I have to tell you Alanon has helped me learn tools to love him and detach from the bad behavior... its the same thing drugs or bp.. the only thing with the bp the mania can last and the guilt and shame takes longer to hit... with drugs as soon as they take that next hit, they feel ashames... I am glad that we are all in this together and to be able to share with people that are on both sides of bp is a tremendous comfort.. We all have to keep the faith and keep the focus where it belongs, and we will be alright.

You are so right, we have so much in common it is like a textbook effect! Thank you so much for sharing. I feel sometimes with a bi-polar it is like loving two different people. In my situation these episodes are progressing with more destructive behaviour. I am assuming it is the on and off with the drug, as she has just started taking a bottle of meds here and then and by the time they take effect she is off them. I am sure it only causes more confusion and adding the hardcore drug abuse (Crack, Cocaine) only adds to it. I am glad to hear you have secured the situation as you have. My wife also has came into the relationship with nothing and has never held a job either yet I considered everything hers as well and would never deny her. SHe has requested my TV before despite all the materialistic things I have lost (My computer is practically the only thing worth anything now) but I denied her because she changes her mind so quickly within days, and lately these mania episodes been lasting a week. She has told me she had been glad I prevented her before and we to made agreements and promises as you have described, Starr. I have done the same thing when I feared it by changing locks, taking away keys during these manic episodes unfortunatly this time, there was no warning because she must of raged so much she became deceptive. Now it is too late the TV is gone but I am more concerned with my wife. It is like she is a completely different person. Usually when she comes back she gets so defensive like I am the one that did things yet I try to be understanding. How long can Mania episode drag on before realizing what went on and the impact? So far the only thing she has not done was be unfaithful to me but with the drugs and time going by and the people she hangs out with while in mania mode, makes me worry. I am so glad to meet all of you

isnt it funny how all our "things" mean nothing to us without our loved ones to share them with...Mania's madness where they must spend money and buy buy buy, is so amazing...Nothing is ever enough, we are not enough, nothing can satisfy them.. No one else will satisfy your wife either... I read that they treat us as the enemey when they are manic, because we are like a mirror, when they look at us, they can see we see there is something wrong with them.. When someone is manic, nothing matters... in this book they compared it to falling in love.. How good you feel when you first fall in love, then tell someone, take a pill so you wont feel that way, they will think you are nuts....or trying to tell a 5 year old dont play in the street your gonna get hurt, they dont get it....My spouse's drug of choice is crack/cocaine as well.. after spending time in Jail i thought he finally got it.. He claims he is 4 years clean, but some things i heard and saw make me doubt that, and this last episode and his behavior makes me think wow. Bipolar and substance abuse is a deadly mix....A manic episode i am sorry to say can last up to 3 to 6 months, i have communicated with others whose spouse is manic going on 10 months.. I think the older they get the longer the episodes, i am not sure but remember what goes "Up goes up, must come down" now that is a title of a book you need to read it will help you every day... the book is by Judy Eron, and her spouse when manic for 12 months until he took his life... Not a good outcome, but we know how dangerous this illness is... Hang in there, take care of yourself... and keep asking questions and giving your strength, hope and experience, that is a gift we all desperately need...Oh the last few months he was still here, the verbal attacks were unbelievable, i was beginning to think it was me... He even so much as told me daily I needed help....In my heart I know that he did not mean to be that way, he just couldnt control it and didnt see a way out..his OUT was to leave. take care

Thanks for the recomendation with the book. I will check it out sometime if I can find it in a library. I sometimes wonder though if it really is worth pursuing this relationship as I feel that it is the one that isn't Bi-Polar that holds the relationship togeather. I feel I am doing all the work, all the chasing, all the fixing. It is so tiring. I actually get nightmares now from the things my partner has done. 10 years ago when I first met my wife I didnt know she was Bi-polar but pulled a similar experience to the one that I am living through now. We separated because of it, she vanished, and I moved on. We made a pact and promise that this would never happen again. It is like I am re-living this nightmare, and although I want so badly for my wife to come home and would drop everything to see her, I don't know how I could ever trust her again. Just last month, she took off and I lost half the stuff in my house. I let her in for another chance and it seems she just wanted me to take her back to take more stuff. It seems so cold and calculating. I feel this love is so much one-sided and i think i feel this way because I still do not understand the mind of a bi-polar. Honesty and trust is the main ingredient in any relationship. How can this exist with a bi-polar seeing everyone has similar experiences. How can this trust ever regain. If my wife comes home, I do not know how I could even trust to leave for work for a few hours without wondering and worrying if she will be here or not if maybe next time I wont even have my computer. It will turn me into a control freak, I already have no patience anymore, I am already a completely different person that I was 10 years, and each of these things that happen in the relationship, changes me more.
Don't get me wrong I do not want to move on, I do not want to give up. I think she is giving up on her end and I just have run out of options to make it work and keep it togeather. I feel so lost.

Here's the deal... this is your choice on what you can tolerate, live with etc... Like an addict we have support groups like alanon, and bp has there own support groups for spouses...let me tell you this... you can love..someone with this illness, but it takes alot of patience and a different kind of tolerance... No we cant be controlling that is the worst thing you can be.. we cannot control others, they have to take responsiblity for themselves and if they dont.. that is a deal breaker... the infidelity, stealing etc.. is too much to handle.. they tell you in these support groups dont do anything for 6 months... situations change.. I would not allow my spouse back home for 6 months, after he seeks treatment... then see how i feel, see if we can work past the illness first, then the pain they have caused... it can be done... but i have a rul 3 strikes your out.. he needs to take responsibilty for himself.. and right now he is non existant.. and it helps to know this is not my husband i am not liking right now.. its is an illness or a drug.. m y husband does not exist....I wish i had that choice to make to stay or leave, he took that away from me.. But i know someday i will be faced with ME making the decision to go or stay......its important to know that as i said before we cannot control another human being or make them do what they are suppose to do...only God has that power.. all we can do is change how we react towards them, and in turn when we stop enabling and make the best decisions for us.. then others change....and they really do... but we cant force them, we have to change how we do things first.. so God Bless.. hang in there and you will know exactly what to do when the time is right as for now, do nothing....

ps. whats funny is my spouse use to tell me that I didnt trust him, thats why he is gonna leave me.. hahahahahah how do you trust someone that lies and has such bad behavior.. but he didnt see that... and i couldnt force him to see that...also before we married he promised to trust me enough to tell him he is acting "out" and to seek help, but he didnt trust me enough, he liked his mania, i didnt matter... but i believe when all is said and done, I will matter.... keep the faith

This is what I do not understand. I know bi-polar distorts the way of thinking but if they say they love someone shouldn't it be enough to help change them rather than how I enable? It is like they are not capable of knowing what love is. Even a harsher question, and I hope it will not offend anybody (please forgive me) but when you say a bi-polar has no conscience what makes them different from a typical psycopath? say this because, they are aware their actions will hurt someone, and they too only change when actions affect them doesnt it?
Maybe all this is getting to me. I am loaded with questions and I am trying to absorb everything and all the info I can get on this because I truely want to understand. I NEED to understand if I am to survive this but going back to my post in the other thread, what if I am torturing myself for nothing and she is out of my life for good, not because I want to but because she decided to move on...

I am no expert by any means, i have just been reading all i can... When i say they have no conscience its like this... Mania is a feeling of they are all powerful, nothing they do is wrong, what they feel is wonderful (even though they get aggitated) when they are that far into manic mode, nothing frightens them, not jail, not losing a loved one, nothing.. until they come down off that high, is when they feel the shame and guilt of what they are doing.. when they see there loved ones, we are like a mirror to them, and they can see that we think they there is something wrong with them so they have to run. They dont want us to tell them they are wrong, how do you tell someone when they think they have it all together that they dont. they are gonna run... I am telling you try to get that book i suggested it explains it all better than me.. and she is an expert and has talked to alot of experts... a psycho path, i dont think has the chemistry to get better, in my opinion i dont think they can get better with meds... I dont think they can change no matter what the consequences. i dont know.. i am sure we can dig into this computer and find the answers...Yes we are the ones who love them, and yes we are the ones that are thinking clearly for the most part, of course sometimes i think my mind is so distorted..from all this stress...I feel for you, i really do, and i know that doesnt help, but dont forget the old cliche' you always hurt the one you love... at this time your wife has no control, and putting drugs into the mix, she really is not thinking at all...just trying to numb her pain.. I have learned one thing.. Love cannot "cure" someone who is in pain, nor can it help them.... Only a really drastic consequence can knock them back to there senses, and they may not be there love for us...many people with bipolar have done the same things our spouses have done and they have gotten well, and they do take care of themselves, if our spouses choose not to, they will suffer the consquences of there actions, wether it be losing us, jail, hurting others , the list goes on and on,..I had a bad day myself... I question his motives and his actions everyday, but keep reminding yourself she is sick..only when the fog clears will she be able to think a little more rational...I am sorry if i am not helping you.. I can quote you so many things, and tell you of my experience and what others say, but its a day by day healing process it will get better.... there are alot of resources out there.. seek them out.

I think experience helps most of all rather than being an expert on the subject. Knowing that I am not alone, knowing that there is hope and it can be understood helps gives me incentive to not move on and keeps me around. If I had not had these resources to do research, or forums to vent, and learn, I would have given up by now. I already went through this a decade ago with her and I swore I would never go through it ever again or put myself in that position but Here I am. This time it is worse and I cannot let go because my feelings are stronger, more intense. I have felt I grew up with this person even though we have not been togeather that entire time.

I think here we meet the most special people in this forums because I think our love for the people we love are more sincere, more intense, more loyal. It already takes alot of effort to hold a relationship togeather but to hold it with all the instability and problems we face whether we are bi-polar or a spouse of a bi-polar takes a huge responsibility and devotion. We care enough to read, research, learn, and try. We all want to hang on and that whats makes it so special although I feel weak, it makes me stronger and motivated.
Thank you

its funny bubba how the more you research the more you want to "stick around " your spouse as i feel the opposite.. oddly enough i had just written on another thread right before reading yours about sociopath/these qualities are extremely similar ... no sense of conscience no remorse or empathy no ability for that ... that is indeed "sociopathic" i blame myself as i am a therapist and pride myself at being a pretty good one.. in other words i can see so clearly this if it was a patient /client of mine but when i am concerned my knowledge goes out the window... the more i hear/learn gather info the stronger more empowered i feel to move forward.. i know in my heart i was my spouses finest hour.. i gave him love acceptance trust confidence to do for himself rather than his mom do for him,, i was there for everything... i dont know if that makes me codependent or what but i know that he CANT DO THE SAME FOR ME.. not consistantly ... its either all or nothing ...mostly lately nothing... do i want that future/present life... when i will never ever know what will be a catalyst for running hiding abandoning... up and down up and down ... or do i deserve to be loved the way i want to love and be there for someone... ???