Bipolar Depression

Hi. I cannot believe I have found this place. I have been reading for 2 days now. Here is my situation and I need help. Please try not to be judgmental. Please. The self flogging I do is plenty.

I am in a decade long relationship. I am a woman and so is she. It stopped being any semblance of a relationship after 3 years. It should have ended within 6 months. I had never dated a woman prior to her and had no idea what to make of being with her in the beginning. I am not a lesbian. I don't know what I am and I don't have the space to sort it out. There has been no sex in 7 years. She was an undiagnosed BP for the first 5 years. She was abusive--both physically, mental, controlling, and cruel. She did drugs and hid it from me. When we met, she was working as a paramedic and had just lost custody of her son. That's a complicated story and it was so very stressful and she was depressed. I thought she just missed her son so I hired an attorney to at least ger her ex to comply with the order to see him. That seemed to help. She quit her job in the first 6 months and has not worked steady since. One day, 5 years ago, I just fell apart. I had a great career when I met her, and I got so burned out dealing with the demands of running that company and coming home to nothing but drama. I was embarrassed and would not talk to anyone about the abuse or isolation. I ended my career and moved for a year back to where her family was hoping they would be some support for her. That lasted 18 months and I tried to leave. She followed me back to my town and promised to get better and quit all her meanness. At this point, she is still not diagnosed. So I came back with her, endured her abuse and worked hard at building a new business in a new industry and I was doing well in spite of her, not because. There were times when I did not know how to pay the rent or how we were going to eat. She would work off and on but not make enough money to pay for much more than child support and even then, she often times would not do and I would pick up the slack. At year 5, I was driving home from a business trip and I pulled over a block from the house, and I could not make another move. I went home and after a crazy, furious rage, I said I was done and I meant it. I took my bag, and I left. She crazy dialed me day after day, for weeks. I wanted my house back, she went to mental health and she got diagnosed and started a regimen. Even though I felt no romantic love left for her, I agreed to give her a shot and should there be even so much as a mean word, it would be over and she would not fight it. That, of course, lasted about 2 months. I tried repeatedly to break it off but she would not leave. She would not go. She would go into a rage, tell me what a terrible person I was, I could go on and on, but there were not limits and are no limits to what she would say to me or about me. She would convince her family that I was abusive, that I was nuts, that I was trying to put her out without anything. After years of this, I held out for a month, with the neighbors thinking we were nuts, she would sit and cry, scream, beg, would do anything but I stood by it. The only way I was able to get her to leave is if I agreed to give her 3,000 a month to live on for 6 months, and pay for her to go to school to get her paramedic back. We stayed in touch and shared custody of our dogs. She was always out of money, and would call and if I said no to money, she would psycho dial me saying how I control her with money, etc, etc, etc, Finally, four months into her being gone, she called hysterical crying because the class was cancelled and she did not knwo what she was going to do. I could not continue to pay her all this money every month and I was petrified with what she would do to herself. This went on for a week and in a weak moment, I agreed to let her come back under the condition that she get a job, get back into therapy and learn to take care of herself. That was a bit more than 2 years ago. I bought another house and she is sitting beside me as we speak, thinking that if I would just have sex with her, she would be happy. She thinks she loves me more than anything else in the world. There is no such thing as a sane discussion about anything she disagrees with. If I say this is over, it turns into her screaming and crying and breaking things. She has no where to go. She has no money. Everything is in my name. The car she drives belongs to me. I pay for her child and everything for everyone. She has a great idea to start a business and she has actually spent about 6 months working on it and hasnt given up. She needs me to fund it. I just want out. She will not leave. The guilt is killing me. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I still care a great deal for her but I have not been in love with her for years, if ever. I am afraid she will start calling my clients, will take my dogs, will destroy sentimental things, will take everything. She has not put her hands on me in years but I am not sure she would not again. I feel like a hostage and it is killing me. I think about this every day and I cannot keep doing this but I feel like I have no choice but to keep on going even though I am watching my life go by.

Here are 3 subjects, in my opinion upon reading your message, you might want to look up and read up on: 1) bipolar 2) co-dependency 3) borderline personality disorder.

i'm no professional of any sort but those 3 kinda immediately came to mind. i do have Bipolar but i don't have the behavior or symptoms you have described here in her, or not to the most extreme as you've eluded to, not even in my wrongest of minds. course bipolar is different for everyone so, not everyone with bipolar is the same as everyone else.
there is nothing keeping you a hostage in your drama but yourself. there is nothing and no one keeping you where you are but yourself cause you are allowing the drama to unfold in your life.
if she becomes a danger to herself and/or to others then you call 911 and explain she has Bipolar. the others meaning you as well. if she threatens with violence, call.
it's your decision to make as to what to do in your life but, in this person's opinion, you are the only one keeping yourself a hostage in your own life.

It may be too late for you to read this post..it takes time to respond..to even find what others have asked for .. I hope you can find peace..You have a right to live in peace..it makes no difference if you are gay or straight..I know in some places you may not get the kind of supports you deserve..Look> if she hurts herself, well there is nothing you can do about it..It will be tragic..But, you are kind of keeping her in this mess, too..Let people talk, and let them think what they want..You cannot control what they think anyway..You know the truth .. I hope you exit this relationship, as it is very very abusive, no matter what the reason .. You need support for battered partners..Is there a support group for women in your community?..I truly wish you all the best..