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I never knew that someone who said they loved me so much could be so mean. We were assembling a piece of equipment that we bought, and since he has no patience anymore ....for anything, especially me, he became extremely angry. The longer he worked, the more agitated and vile he became. I'm not the most mechanically inclined person in the world, and I made some mistakes that made us have to take apart and redo. He flew into a rage. Told me he didnt have the patience to work with me. Started to curse me (and he never, ever used this kind of language before). I started to cry, which infuriated him. He told me that i was a wimp and a wine bag and he couldnt stand it anymore. He told me that we were finished, that he was leaving and we were getting a divorce...which made me cry that much harder. All i could do was sit and rock and cry...he looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes. Told me that he wasnt taking any more of his meds because he only did it for me and they werent helping (which they were) and that I was just stupid and didnt understand. For the first time since we've been together he screamed at me, which again made me cry harder, which in-turn angered him further. He said he was sick of being married and that I wasnt any support because i was just too weak and wasnt strong enough to handle this (because i was crying). I told him i was supporting him the best i knew how but my nerves were shot. He didnt care, its all about him now, and yes, i do understand that, but i am only human. I have a big heart anyway and cry at the long distance commercials that used to come on the tv. He sat down and stared for a while and told me he put on a pretty good front. I didnt understand so I said "what?" He said that he was a pretty good boyfriend or husband for a while, but this was the real him and I couldnt handle it. He was an A**hole (his words) and he was meant to be unloved and alone. I told him that I loved him with all my heart and soul and that whoever told him that was wrong!
I left for a while. He took some of his anxiety meds. When I got back he was OK, calmed down at least. We went to bed and he said "one day at a time, no promises, but one day at a time." and went to sleep. Later on during the night I heard him say "i do love you."
What can you do when the person you love says that? Please....if anyone has any similar stories....please post. I just...i can just almost not bear it anymore.
I hate to say this, but I think you are enabling your husband to use his bipolar condition as an excuse to abuse you. You need to get out of this relationship now, and not see him again until he is taking meds regularly and willingly, seeing a therapist on a regular basis, and has turned his life around.
Lynne said it alot simpler than I. He appears to be using his Bipolar illness as a excuse to hurt and abuse you and it appears you are allowing it to be used. There are other forms of abuse other than physical or sexual. There is emotional, mental, and psychological.
One additional thing you may want to really consider; you may want to seek therapy for yourself. You may not think you need it but, unless you get some positive support from someone, you'll end up burned out, torn up, and just plain emotionally drained.
This may read as callous but you posted and requested advice and suggestions. I can only respond to what you post. I do not truly know your life and your situation outside of the typed request. You must decide for yourself.
I do so very much appreciate your advice. Neither of you said anything that I haven't been thinking, I guess I just needed some reassurace of sorts that would let me know I wouldn't be "giving up" or "turning my back." I've been an enabler before...my dad was an alcolholic and I allowed his behavior to go on by covering up for him. I finally learned that was not the right thing to do for him to get better. When I stopped doing what i was doing, he hit rock bottom and went into treatment.
I think my SO is going to have to do the same. I cant keep excusing the vile and vicious outburts, i know that. I told him that his illness was treatable, but it would take time to find the right niche of meds and stress management to be healthy. I told him that i would never, ever leave him, but I had to leave the situation until he took the responsibility to be better. He ranted and raved and told me it was over and he wanted a divorce. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. i dont think i've stopped crying for more than an hour or two. but i also told him, with or without me, i wanted him to be well. i just pray now that he wants treatement and finds it. i told him that i would still help in anyway, but i just couldnt stay there anymore. it hurts my heart, it hurts my soul. i love him, that will never change. time is the only thing now that will tell. Thank you both for your open and honest answers. God speed.
It's pretty clear to me that you and I have very similar situations. Lynne and Marie are right. And we make excuses because we learned it in our childhood. When you're being yelled at have you ever become so emotionally overloaded that you couldn't speak, just stutter or repeat the same phrase over and over? I've been there. She said every horrible thing that she could to hurt me. She picked at my weaknesses, used her intimate knowledge of me to say things that would cause the most hurt. I kept hanging on. My counsellor told me I had to get out of the relationship, but I kept trying to make it all OK. A few months ago I knew, and acknowledged to myself, that the best thing for the kids would have been to divorce and get sole custody. I had a lawyer tell me all I had to do is say the word. I told her it had all gone too far, and she talked me into staying.
I told myself that my deep concern for our kids was keeping me there. I told myself it was because I didn't deserve to lose everything like this. I also told myself that I had caused my predicament. I told myself that she didn't mean it--it's just her illness talking (she hadn't even been diagnosed yet, but I knew). Just as Lynne said, I was enabling her to do it. I told myself I have no one to turn to because I was somehow not good enough, that everyone that should love and support me had turned in a unanimous vote against me. I figured they must be right--I'm not worth their concern.
Truth is, I was raised by a bipolar mother. I was mentally and physically abused by a bully brother. I have a callous, unapproving, emotionally detatched father. I have no friends because of my wife's irrational jealousy, and her manic outbursts destroy friendships. I clung to her for a mixture of reasons, but when "the chips were down" I was clinging because I'm not healthy. I've spent my entire adult life adapting to what she needs/wants, picking up the pieces when she goes manic, supporting her when she's depressed. All along I lived for the love she showed me, and the friendship we had. It's all I have.
Now she's finally on meds. She is doing better, if only a little. She hasn't raged and she hasn't hit me. She says she wants me forever, but there's a lot of damage. She says she loves me, but I don't know how to belive that. I don't know how to feel good about my life anymore, and I seriously doubt I will ever know what it's like to experience true love. I have decided to be patient and see how things go as her meds are increased, but I've faced the reality that a divorce might be best for everyone. One day at a time for now, but I don't trust myself to know what's good for me anymore.
You and I are affected by childhood problems, and it got us into unhealthy relationships. Now we need to learn how to look out for ourselves in a healthy way. It's not easy. I suggest you quit letting him think you'd never leave him. That was the first thing I did right.
Our situations do sound the very similar, as do countless others that i read. I still have trouble adjusting to the fact that before this illness reared its ugly head my SO was the kindest, most gentle man alive. He was strong but sensitive. He wanted to take care of me. And now he tells me that he doesnt want anyone to depend on him. So far he's been taking his meds on time, everyday this week and we've had two really good days...that makes me very weary because im holding my breath waiting for the next outburst. i've made arrangements to stay with my friends for a while, if needed, and i've told him that i would not be treated worse than the dog any longer. time and love can heal a lot of things, but he will have to work with the docs and meds for it to work here. i love him.
Your situation sounds so much like what I go through with my SO. At times he is the most loving most wonderful man in the world, but then he gets into one of his moods and he becomes someone totally different. Tonight has been my worst night. After six years, I can't take it anymore. He has been on meds and doing so much better. Missed a couple of doses, and he all of a sudden doesn't wan't anything to do with me or the kids. For the past week he has not come home or called. He is acting like we don't exist. I have just found out that he has been lying and cheating on me. My heart is broken. Knowing him, when he gets out of this mood he will probablly come to me acting so sorry for what he has done and apologize and say he wants to work everything out, my heart is weak, I always take him back, but I can't this time. I love him so much and it breaks my heart that it has come to this, but what else can I do?
I know what you are saying. Our hearts are weak right now, weaker than perhaps they've ever been due to the up and down swings and cycles. My trouble is i dont want to look like i'm turing my back on him when he has an illness, BUT...we are only human. we dont deserve to be treated like trash and we certainly dont need the constant strain on our minds. i have developed a twitch due to his manic cycles and i shake all the time. The xanax helps, but it still gets so bad sometimes that I cant write. I don't believe that they loose total conscious because my husband is able to put on a "happy face" for strangers, etc. so...where does that leave us? i dont know, i just dont know. but as i said earlier, we are only human and we can only take so much. In as much as nobody deserves to have BP, we dont deserve to be pulled apart and broken hearted.
I have had similar angry outbursts at my wife. I don't know that I used bipolar as an excuse, I just couldn't control it. Part of it was once I didn't include my wife in my treatment at all. I didn't trust her observations about changes in my behavior. What finally helped us deal with my anger was talking alot when i was okay. We discussed my symptoms, my triggers, etc. Now, when she sees it coming we talk and I have promised her I will listen. Sounds simple, but it isn't. I have agreed to take seroquel and rest on her word. It is very hard because, when I start to feel manic nothing seems wrong to me. You have to be a part of whatever treatment he is in or this won't work. If ya'll can't do that, then they are right you need to leave. I had to realize that this is about my family, not just me.
I have been part of his treatment since the start. Well, let me rephrase that, he blames me for making him go to the doctor when he became so depressed that he tried to kill himself with muscle relaxers and depressants. The doc put him on welbutrin, which as you know threw him over into the manic side. He says he doesnt remember how vile he becomes when he's manic (his manic cycles are not euphroic, they are violent rages), so again, I convinced him to go to the doc. He put him on depakote then. I dont think the dosage is enough to stablize him yet; he has to take adavan to just stay around us he says. He blames me for making him go do the doctor because "the f***ing pills arent working." He acuses me of living in a dream world where all he has to do is take a "magic pill" and everything is ok. I've never thought that there was a magic pill, but i do tell him his symptoms and condition is treatable, and that angers him to the point where he says he doesnt care and "f*** the doctors and f*** the meds." He says he cant stand to look at me or hear my voice, yet when he finally gets thru with his rant, he wants to pull me close and lean on me. so yes, I've been part of this from the beginning, but ....well i dont know how much good it does. He says he's not going back to the doctor at all, and therapy is NOT going to happen with him, he's adamant about that. I love him, i love him dearly. i told him that i loved him unconditionally and that i would be all the support that i can, and i mean that. as long as he TRIES and stays on his meds, i will stay. When he has his moments of clarity (his words) he loves me and tells me so. he's gentle then. when he's manic he tells me that he doesnt even love himself so how can he love me. it is about the whole family, because we all suffer together. and thats what i try to tell him, when he hurts, i hurt, he daughter hurts, and his mom too. I know his triggers and i avoid them, but he wont listen to me when i tell him what they are. this will get better, and you're right, it might take me leaving to do that, but as i have always said in all my posts here: with or without me, i want him to be well.
im glad you and your wife are able to work things out and that you have her to support you. im glad you realize what things will work and what wont. i wish you all the best with your treatment and hope all stays well. pray for me....if you dont believe in that kind of thing...then think a good thought for me and i'll do the same for you and your wife. take care.
"You have to be a part of whatever treatment he is in or this won't work. If ya'll can't do that, then they are right you need to leave."
I pasted this sentance from your posting. I'm not sure I follow what this says.
I too struggle with BP and I have anger, rage, and violent verbal and some times physical outbursts (slamming doors, shattering glass objects, etc.) when the rage overwhelms me suddenly out of nowhere. I have sought treatment over a period of many years, I've been hospitalized 4 times, attempted suicide 3 times, and have taken every medication known since Elavil came out (I was a wee child).
My family has never been a part of "my treatment" and yet I still seek help so that I can be, feel, and do better with this twisted sickness. It is best if you have family to support, encourage, and to help you recognize behavior but it is you that must do the work overall individually.
It will work if you continue to do your part in seeking and obtaining treatment and therapy whether your family comes along for the ride or not. No one deserves abuse whether it be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. No one does.
I didn't deserve it when it was applied to me from a sick BP parent because she too couldn't help it from time to time and my child doesn't deserve it from me. I am seeking treatment, meds, therapy, and help - my mom didn't. This is the difference.
Hanginon says she has been with him from the start and has tried to encourage him to seek treatment while he is manic and while he is in a de-elevated state. According to her post he is basically refusing to accept responsibility for his self and make a concerted effort to find help. She is thus suffering from a often times verbally violent and abusive spouse whether he can truly help it or not. She can't strap him down and shove pills down his throat so what else is she to do? She doesn't deserve the abuse.
You can try and help the one with the illness as best you can but when the one with the illness doesn't want help and thus abuses you, you must think of what is best for you.
I always look forward to your posts because you help me understand and answer some of the questions I have because he wont answer them for me. I praise you for your strength to seek treatment so that your life, and the life of your daughter can be good, can be better. Nobody deserves this illness. I strive daily to educate myself on symptoms and treatments, but you are right, i cant forcefeed him his meds. when he says NO he doesnt want to take them, there is nothing I can do; however, i've started to ask him if he wants me to gets his meds while im getting mine. this seems to work quite well. i guess if he sees me take mine, he doesnt feel as bad about having to take his, i dont know.
we've decided, or rather i've decided, that we need a break. last night was awful. he was mean, nasty, and down right disgusting to me. i sat quietly and listened while this was going on because i didnt want to anger him more. when he was done, and when he had taken the adavan...and was almost asleep, i woke him and told him i was leaving. he looked shocked. he didnt understand why. i told him that i just needed a little break and to be around some people who love me. i left once before, and not too long ago actually. i came back, and i'll always come back as long as he tries....but i wont be an enabler and i wont be a victim. and marie, you and lynne helped me understand that it was OK for me to think of myself, even when its all about him and his condition right now. thank you ladies. God speed.
i love him. 
