Bipolar Depression

My live in boyfriend of 4 years has finally sought treatment for bipolar disorder. After years of taking care of him and believing his promises I realized that he may have a problem. After he hit rock bottom, (cycled a shotgun over my head) he decided to seek help. He began meds on sunday and refuses to stop drinking. I live in a world that consists of making sure he gets up for work. Cleaning up after him and staying one step ahead of his lies and deception. He always feels bad after doing something destructive to our relationship. But, never bad enough to not do the same things again. I feel more like a mother than a loved one. I want to be there for him and help him find a way to live with this , but at the same time I want to let this relationship go and find the person I used to be before he came into my life. I have a great job, a great family and I have alienated myself from everyone to maintain this life with him. I need advise on how to deal with a bipolar loved one and how to help him through the ups and downs. I'm sure this is aquestion that is asked often but I want to be supportive and not say things to hinder his attempt at finding a way to live with this. Any suggestions would be great.

Greetings,

As a person with bipolar, who was also married to a man with bipolar, my heart goes out to you. It really sounds like you are already doing everything you can to support your husband. I guess my question to you would be, do you want to continue doing this? Is your love for your husband so deep that you are willing to give up those very important aspects of your life, such as your family?

I got somewhat of a mixed message in your post. On the one hand, I heard the weariness in your voice from having had to be a mother figure to your husband and clean up after his messes. It sounds like you are really missing the people from whom you are isolating yourself, and I sense a yearning in you to get back to that life again.

On the other hand, almost as an after thought (it seemed to me), you asked how you could support your bipolar husband. The obvious answers are to gently encourage him to take meds and to take responsbility for himself. From what you said, he doesn't do that in a lasting way. He has to be every bit as involved and interested in him doing better and acting better, as you do. If he is not, then all of your hard work is going to go for naught. He will continue to cycle up and down with periods of lucidity in between. For me, I lived for the times when my husband was lucid. He would go for extended periods like this, and I could almost forget he had bipolar. Then some stressor would occur, and he would be right back where he was before - manic and completely unreachable. When things finally got violent, I removed my son and myself from him, and my husband lived in his own place, and my son and I lived in ours. We stayed married like that, for seven years, living apart until the day my husband died.

After reading your post, I really got the strong feeling that you know what you need and want to do. Ultimately, it becomes about you and what you want to do and NOT what you can do to live your life around your husband and his ever-changing demands, wants and needs. Who is going to look after you while you are spending all of your time looking after your husband? Also, do you have any kids? If so, what kind of effect is your husband having on them?

I hope some of this has been helpful. On the flip side of things, when I was manic/depressed, my husband was not supportive at all, and even got angry at me when I was depressed or feeling suicidal. When we both cycled at the same time, we lost everything we had built together. Since you didn' mention it, I am assuming you do not have bipolar. If not, it can be all too easy for you to get caught up in the role of the caretaker for him. Again, who then, becomes your caretaker or at least an equal partner in your marriage?

I wish you all the best and hope you will write again soon.

Warm thoughts and big hugs,

Kay

Kay,
Thanks so much for responding. It fels good to have someone reply open and honestly.
I have a few questions that will help me understand BP better. How long until the meds begin to take effect? I am asking this because I am trying to track the mood changes and see what I can do to help him through the things that trigger the ups and downs. For a few days now he has been on an even plain, no fights, no problems in the mood fluctuations. I realize that he is making an attempt and this is something that is new in our relationship. I have also evaluated myself and I'm trying to be there for him in a different way. Usually I jump at everything and point out the problems as soon as they pop up. I've decided to let things happen and let him make decisions without my "mothering" and trying to control things before they happen. I have figured out that no one should feel judged and condemned. I actually feel better not policing after him. And I think it is opening our lines of communication. The fact that he has slept normal for almost a week speaks volumes. Every night he would have violent dreams. He would swear and thrash so much it kept me awake. Now the dreams are few and he laughs and smiles. Is this the meds kicking in? He seems to be more even tempered. He is more at ease and not so edgy.
We now have a name for what has been happening in our relationship, it's Bipolar disorder. I just want to know what I can do to work through this together but at the same time I want to make it clear that just because he has a disease he can't use it as a crutch to continue bad behavior. I realize we will both mess up but if we work together our lives will be so much better. Any advise you can offer would be great. I have been through so much with this man, I have so much more to go through. At this point I choose to stay and be supportive. Are there any good sites to read up on what I can do to help in his struggle with BP?

Thanks for your reply. Please keep in touch, it feels good to know that others are going through this and are here to listen and offer their advise and experiences about BP.

Thank You,
Chloe

Hello Chloe,

In answer to your question about your husband's recent, more mellow state of being - yes - it could definitely be the meds kicking in. Meds do vary in the amount of time they take to become effective, but it can be anywhere from a couple of days to six weeks. It sounds like things are leveling out for your husband, and that is so awesome.Since you have decided to stick around for the long haul, there are many things that you can do.

First of all, I want to commend you for abandoning the mothering aspect of your care for your husband. No man wants to be mothered by anyone other than his mother. He may say otherwise, but deep down, he wants a wife to be an equal, non-judgmental partner. When my husband would start becoming manic, I would very matter-of-factly suggest to him that I noticed he seemed a bit more edgy, and had he given any thought to taking some of his psychotropic meds to help ease those feelings of irritability? You put it in such a way that it is directed at helping him to feel better, rather than accusing him of being manic.

One thing you can do while your husband is leveled out is to make a plan for those times in which he is very manic or very depressed. Together, you can decide what would be acceptable for your husband during those times when he is not okay. For example: he might give you permission to let him know when he is starting to become manic. He can let you know what meds he is willing to take or not take. He can let you know what hospital he would prefer to be admitted to and what doctors and/or therapists it is okay to treat him. If he becomes violent, you could have an agreement that you will call the police to intervene on your and his behalf.

These are some of the examples of pre-planning that you can do. For right now, when times are good, enjoy them to the max. Shower your husband with praise for how awesome it is to be with him (when he is behaving "normally"). Give him quiet, understated kudos for taking his medications. This one is trickier because many folks with bipolar begin to feel like they no longer need the meds, once they start feeling better.

Have a back up plan for yourself (and any children) for a place to go, in the event your husband becomes violent. My husband and I worked this out by having two separate apartments. That way, he could have his own private space in which to express his mania, and my son and I could have our own safe haven when my husband became violent and/or dangerous.

More than anything, treat your husband with the utmost of respect - as you would expect to be treated by your husband. Be sure to involve him in all the normal responsibilities of the household. Even if you are in charge of the bank account, be sure to include him on any money that is being spent and where it is being spent. When your husband becomes manic or depressed, it is imperative that you not talk down to him or baby him in any way. Even while manic, I expected my husband to react as any adult would, and I talked to him in that manner. My husband could see right through me if I started acting overly concerned or protective. He would get very defensive and accuse me of patronizing him. Just because your husband's behavior may seem childlike, does not mean that he has become a child. He is still an adult and a man, albeit a man in a different frame of mind. Your continued respect and expectation that he will behave "like a man" will encourage him to act more like a mature adult.

I hope that any of this is helpful. It sounds like your husband is really making an effort, and that is key to making your relationship work. Bipolar or not, he must take responsibility for his behaviors, thoughts and feelings. He must not be allowed to use his diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior. If you can get him to agree with things like this when he is "normal", then you have a much better chance of making it when he is manic or depressed.

I wish you the very best on your journey with your husband. It is possible to have a very satisfying relationship with someone who is bipolar, although you may experience many more peaks and valleys than "normal" people. Just be prepared for those times and stick to your guns. Always insist that you be treated with respect. No diagnosis is an excuse to treat people in any kind of negative way - whether it is physical, emotional, mental abuse - or outright dangerous behavior. My husband liked to set fires all over the place, and this very behavior put my son and I at risk for serious danger. It is one of the primary reasons we could not live together.

Keep me posted on how you are doing. It is always so nice to hear about a couple who are living their lives successfully - in spite of or because of bipolar disorder. My son is my current source of strength. When I start to become depressed, he has little tricks that he uses to pull me out of my dark holes. He uses voice imitations and some of them crack me up, no matter how depressed I am. Find something like this that you can use with your husband. A little humor can go a long way at helping you make it with your husband. If you guys can laugh together about the bipolar, it will not be such a serious, intense thing in your lives.

Take good care and write back when you can. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you well,

Kay

Kay,

I thought that things were going so well. I started to build some trust and hope for the future and I found out a few days ago that he is still lying and hiding everything from me while trying to be "good" to my face. When I confronted him I had the proof in my hand and his response was"I no I am a bad person and I will never be good enough for you". He has limited his contact with me and the time he has been around has been so tense. He is being so mean and has decided that all the problems in his life are brought on by me. I don't know how to handle this. I realize now that he has never been held accountable for any of his actions, and he has NEVER had to answer for his behavior. I never demand answers and continue to be in his life. He sees this so he controls the situations by gong into a rage when confronted. If it get's to hard, he blames me for his anger and say's I just push him until he loses control. I have spent 4 years trying to help someone who at this point finds me discusting. It is killing me. I realize I am codependent and can't get out. I hurt so deeply that any sign of affection brings me right back to start all over. How do I break this cycle? On the other hand, he is taking his meds. Maybe the wrong ones? This is his first go at meds and in a matter of 3 days he has become irritated, violent if backed into a situation he can't handle. He also keeps talking to me like I am beneath him, less of a person and so much more an enemy than someone who has been there for him. Is this a manic episode or just the realization that I am not what he needs to get better. (Are the meds causing him to be more rational)? He has not went to the bars or strip clubs, (has a big problem with internet porn and seeking out women for self gratification through visual stimulization). But, until he was caught this behavior was going on while he was trying to put on a face of getting himself together. When I confronted him the rage came back and hasn't went away like it usually does. No remorse, no reget just hate and loathing directed at me. Please help, I have no idea how to approach this without causing more barriers to work through. You have been a great voice and I find so much comfort in your replies. Please give your input and advise. If anyone else can share I would be grateful. This site has been a wonderful source of info and everyone is so sincere. Thank you for the support. I hope in the future I can help someone the way all have helped me.

Dear Chloe27,you can get old and gray doing this,and he wont thank you.You are not even married to him you can get out and have a life worth living.Please think of yourself for a change.

Blaire,
Thank you for responding. Today I went to see his mother and father. While the men sat in the den watching football I listened to his mother talk about the life she has hidden for 30 years. I found strenth from a woman who lived the same life that I am living and heard all the regret in her voice. After telling her story she looked at me and said "save yourself". I never realized that she had lived this way and ask her why? She told me that she made the decision to stay out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone and fear of losing the only man she ever loved.She told me that she loved her son but she also new that he would destroy me. I took her advise and ask him not to call me. I told him that I needed to live my life without the fear of what would come next. I spent the evening with my parents and it helped to be around people who love me for who I am and not what I will do for them. I hope that I can love myself enough to realize I deserve better and shouldn't settle for anyone less than what I need to feel safe and secure.He has made his choices without regard to me or my feelings. I have to make my choices based on what will make me happy and bring me joy. It will be hard to fill all the empty spaces that used to be occupied with taking care of him. I know it will be hard but I've faced my demons years ago and became a person I never thought I would be. I am a good person now and it was a long hard road to get here. I keep thinking of the saying "You find strenth in your moments of weakness. If this is true I will come out if this pretty strong!! Please keep in touch, every reply makes me feel a little stronger. I want my life back. I want myself back. I want to look back and feel sorry for this man, but not responsible for him.I live for the day that he calls and I tell him I have plans or that I'm not going to be able to help him this time. Thanks again, and I will keep your response in my head in my weak moments.

Dear Chloe, I was so happy at your response.I was afraid that you might be one who would just keep getting sucked back in untill you woke up one day to find your chance for a normal life had passed you by.The emotional damage can eat you up inside till you forget what its like to be happy and not bitter.It took a real good person to do what your guy's mom did.I am sure she felt better and happier knowing that he had someone taking care of him and loving him. But she done you a real favor by telling you the truth and putting you before her son.You will always have her to thank for that. Most family members are either in denial or are just glad to have them off their hands.Please stay firm and simply dont allow yourself to be pulled back. You do not have to ever converse with him again,you have no legal ties. And if you listen to the begging and promises you will lose another 5 or 10 years of your life.Or worse yet,find yourself one day having the same talk with your sons girlfriend.This runs strong in families.All we can do for ones who wont help themselves is to leave. Maybe one day there will be some cure or wonderful treatment for these ones.I do so wish that for them and their loved ones.But you have the opertunity now to decide that you are not going to live like your boyfriends mom.You will probably wind up hating him and yourself if you do.Dont give him the opening to persuade you. They are so good at that,and probably really mean it at the time.But it never lasts.Take care and let me know how its going. Your Friend Blaire

Blaire,
I woke up this morning for to get ready for a grat job. I finally took a look around the house I bought on my own and really look hard. Then I realized, this is what you worked for, a home, a life you could be proud of. I realized that this home has been a crypt for so long. No ine visited or called. Why would they, I wasn't available. I am having my sisters over for coffee this week and my girlfriends are coming out also. I never realized how time consuming this relationship has been. How alienated from reality I have become. Wow!
We work together. (I am a boss and he is on the other end of the plant) I know I will feel anxious for a few weeks, but it will go away. My ex husband of 12 years is in my corner and has offered any help to get me out of this for good. He told me to sit at his home (he is away) so that I don't have to have contact in any way. The way it usually goes is like this: 1 week of no contact, a week of hellos and then a phone call because he has "forgotten something at my house".
I have removed everything that is his and returned it to him. Any items that I felt could cause issues (gun, ammo, etc.) are at his parents now, so he will have to take this up with them.
I bought some paint and items to redo my bedroom and I'm goig to stay busy. I just pray for the strenth to keep reasoning in my own head and not feel like I have to save him again. I am afraid of what he will do but I have to feel sorry for the people he does it to now and not be the victim in all of this any longer. I will let you know how my day goes so keep watching for me.

Say a prayer to keep me strong and honest with myself. Being honest with myself is what will save me at this point. Have a great day, and Thanks for your support, Chloe

Dear Chloe,I am so proud of you. If you really want to break clean.Have no contact.No talking.No texting. If you find something of his mail it. You sound so happy. stay that way.I'll be watching for you and praying. Your Friend Blaire

Blaire,
I was typins so fast yesterday, sorry about all the spelling errors. I can spell, I just can't type!!

Okay, Here's what I did, I made an appointment to see a psychologist who handles mainly bp's and family members. I called him Friday and he has called and got me in tommorow. He spoke to me 2 times yesterday and is really easy to talk to. I feel like this is a really major step for me because I will finally go to therapy trying to get better not putting a band aid on my life until the next wound is opened. I have wanted to go for a long time and originally this was supposed to be for couples counceling. I never thought I would be excited to talk to someone about me.

I have not made contact, and I really believe that his meds are helping him to see more clearly. He hasn't contacted me, or spoke and that is hard. I feel I need some form of remorse on his part. It will go away, but I always want answers. I never get them but I want him to say sorry so badly. This time I have finally realized that "sorry" is empty and just his way of pulling me back in. I'm okay with the fact that I will never get the answers I have ask for 100 times.

I also have put the tools in place to get me through the holidays. My eldest daughter is in the service and is coming home this weekend. This helps me keep my mind focused on something else. We are having dinner with my ex and her fiance who I have met 1 time. I am trying to find comfort in the relatonships that I have pushed away to maintain my life with him. I have a lot of things going on at work and I plan to stay busy and not allow myself to feel sorry for him any longer. I guess I am going allow myself to be mad for the first time. I'm going to feel the emotions that will make me question why I allowed this to happen to me. No more saving him.I'm saving myself. I started a journal to keep up with the feelings that I go through daily. I will keep you posted and please keep in touch, it's great to have support from others. It is true, there is strenth in numbers. knowing your not alone makes such a difference through all of this.

I'm getting ready for work, looking forward to another day. Not worrying what he will do to me, instead I have the chance to concern myself with me. What feels good for me. What brings me oy today. I'm excited to see what this day brings. Thanks again, I'll write soon.

Blaire,
I had a really bad 2 days. I finally got him to say that it is over. He told me that I make him live in abubble, he has no friends,etc.. I had the phone shut off. I removed all the things on the computer that I used to track his whereabouts and I saw a therapist today. I know I'm headed in the right direction and it is hard but I feel better at the same time. I can't figure out why I have a constant compultion to go back. I know I can't but I feel the need to save him again. I was leaving for the doctor and I saw him in town. He is supposed to be at work right now, instead he took the day off. He misses work so often that I feel he will lose his job. I have done all I can do to help him, he wants a life of drinking, strange women and no commitment. All the things that I have went through in my own life and moved past. I just live for the day that I feel responsible for myself and not him. 4 days and counting....

Thanks for listening. Have a great day

Dear Chloe,I been out of town the last couple days and just read your note.Sorry you have had some bad days, but they will become less and less. Just be glad you did not have kids,cause I feel that I will never be free of my ex ,since there has to be some contact. Then its the constant daddy this and daddy that,that is just never ending. There is no place i can go to get away from it. But I would not hurt my kids by asking them not to talk freely.They have been through enough. You have the compulsion to keep going back,because "you" made a commitment,and most people take those very seriously.Its not just something you shrug off easily.They can,it seems,and in that reguard I think they are the lucky ones.But take heart if you break clean it will not be long before you can begin to live again,and actually enjoy it.Keep in touch,I think of you often.You can have the life you want if you dont run back to the old one out of fear. Blaire

Blaire,
I just can't figure out how my life has gotten to this point. I have a great job that I love to go to everyday. I have great friends and family who have told me that "I thought that every time things got worse you would leave". I feel really bad. I feel like I have allowed someone else to control every aspect of my life. It has been so long since I even remember what I enjoy. What makes me happy. Last night I fought the urge to drive by his house and make sure he was not out. (Going out means drinking, not coming home and missing work). I worry about him losing his job. We work for the same company. I am a boss and have built good work relationships,he on the other hand is on his last leg because of attendance. My psycholigist informed me that I am taking this so hard because I feel that I have not finished something. I think he is right, I hate to leave something undone. He has not been good to me from the beginning and yet I keep trying to get him to love me. The truth is even if he did it, and all was well, it wouldn't be the kind of love that would satisfy my needs. I realized this a long time ago. Why do I do this to myself.I remember a year ago, I found out all the things he had been doing behind my back and I was lost. I feel lost again. I need to remember all the pain and the nights waiting for him to get home. I need to focus on the all the bad things that have happened in the past few years and find the strenth in myself to stop fighting for a man who has always chose himself over me and our life together, no matter what damage it might cause.I feel like a child. I function just barely, if at all. But, I am going to get out of this. I am going to wake up one day and remeber what it feels like to look forward to something. I am tired of living from day to day. I will be forty next Sat. I told myself that if this relationship was still bad by then I would end it. I guess I just got a little bit of a head start. How did you walk away? Tell me your story. Tell me some of the things that made you strong. I want to hear about your recovery and how you made it through to give me such great support.

I do have a daughter. He has not been allowed to see her for about 2 months. She is 13 and had really never connected to him. I have a great ex husband who is a great Dad. He has been there for me more times than I can count. I want my daughter to respect me. i want her to know that she doesn't have to settle for the life I settled for. I want her to know love like her father and I once had, I want her to see that even though relationships end, there can still be friendship,not this.

Please keep in touch and keep sharing your thoughts. I get up everyday to read what you've written and find so much strenth from your words. Tahnk you so much.

Dear Chloe, I hate to see you so torn.But we all know how hard it is to let go. As far as my story I wont bore everyone on here again with it.If you want to hear it through a private e-mail I would be happy to tell you. As for how I broke free, I wish I could claim some great strength of character or will,but the truth is I was not given a choice at first. He left, and didn't look back,still hasn't. But I now see it has been a real blessing. I probably could not have severed the ties like he did,because I could not stand to hurt my kids like that. It has been a long hard road of hurt to come to the point where I can see what a blessing it is now. Especially since he is rapidly going down hill in his personality and temperment. I dont even recognize him as the person I once knew.And I know now that he will never be that person again.Was he ever, really? I dont know anymore.When you see someone change the way they do you begin to question what was ever really real in your life togather.But I have gotten stronger and moved on in the sence that I have quit wanting things to be as i thought they once were and am now truly giving myself fully to a new relationship .I have stopped just marking time,and started working toward a new beginning. It has taken a year,and I feel like that is about the normal period to get over the death of a loved one.Thats the way you have to look at it, to try to force or hurry the process can get you into trouble.You can make some bad choices trying to find something to fill the void.Its best to let the void close up first,then you dont start off any new relationship in the hole ( that made sense to me, but I hope " you" get what I am trying to say).You need to just let go.Once you do that in your mind and heart you wont be consumed with wanting to rescue him and fix his life.I try to commumicate with my ex only through texts. I strive to have as little contact with him as i can. When he comes for the kids,I send them out and I do not see or talk to him. I do not want to have a friendship with him.That requires to much contact and gives them the oppertunity to keep us tore up and sucked in.And why should you be friends with someone who has proven themselves to be a betrayer,completely self centered,and who can turn on you like a viscious monster over the slightest thing. I would not keep another friend like that ,so why him. I am civil for the kids sake and never bash him to them and that is as far as i am willing to go.If we did not have kids togather I would move where I would never have to see him or hear any news of him again. Not because I hate him but because I really want to be totally free of him.I am seeing a great guy now and I see that It is possible to love someone else.Its nice to know that I can put my trust in someone again. You will too one day if you dont waste any more time or energy on a lost cause.When I read what some of us have put up with,going off with other women, saying they love someone else,blaming us for their problems etc. it makes me want to slap myself for being such a sap.What kind of idiot allows that. Me for one.But never again. And I hope no one else will either. I dont want to act nice anymore either, like I cant despise him for what hes done just because he has bp.Well i do despise him for robbing my kids of a full time father.For making the choice to not get medicated,he had power over those choices and so i hold him in contempt for that and I am not ashamed to admit it.Well having gotten that off my chest I hope you will continue to try to not look back. Think of your daughter as well,she doesn't need to be exposed to that kind of life. It sounds like you have a real good friend in your first husband (any chance of another try there?)its good that you have a reliable touchstone there.I am so happy that you find comfort in something I say I will try not to let you down.But as you can tell by my rant here I am not exactly perfect. I will pray for you to have strength and that each day gets a little easier. Hope I didnt scare you off its been a bad week for me. Your Friend Blaire