Bipolar Depression

I guess I am posting in part to talk myself into going to see a therapist. I'm unmedicated, never been medicated for depression or bipolar. I can't remember ever having a day where I didn't suffer, even into childhood. I feel all the time like I am bracing myself, I do not want to experience a 'high' because I DO NOT want to experience a 'low'. My last 'low' involved me becoming completely isolated and not being able to work for 8 months, not leaving the house, and not seeking help. Clinically depressed or bp? Well, the truth is I was on meds once, but only for a couple of days .. I went on them, felt like I had all of the energy in the world, rushed to do everything and get it all done, and crashed a couple of weeks later .. This involved creating a lawyer bill that is still unpaid 8 years later. Now, I 'need' to let myself go so that I have the energy that I 'need' to do the things that I need to do because I am going onto full time 100% commission. And how long does that last before I crash? I want this cycle to stop .. every 18 months I lose my job if I make it that long .. then I spend 3-4 months (on a good year) jobless & isolated. Then I do it all over again. Make it to the top and then crash. Now I am developing affections for someone who has bipolar I. I'm undiagnosed .. the only psychiatrist I've seen told me that my car engine was running, and he only dealt with people who's cars had crashed. How do you get energy and the courage to go see someone after suffering in depression for months only to have them see you on a 'fine' day and say there is nothing wrong with you, go away & have a nice day? I am not surprised to see that Bipolar II is under diagnosed. Anyway .. my therapist says I'm doing alright and I'm highly functional (good) and she doesn't believe in labels. So she won't attempt to 'label' me. Do labels help or not help? I mean, a label, to be able to say "that" is what's wrong with me? Or no label, to not "need" to live under what someone else says you are, but to just be you? But are you, er, am I, free to just be me, if I am always, constantly bracing .. fearing experiencing a period of 'high' for fear & trembling of falling into a pit of 'lows'?

Hello Undiagnosed!

Reading your post reminded me so much of what I went through before it was finally determined that I had Bipolar I. The day they told me I would have to take medication for the rest of my life, I broke down on my front lawn and bawled my eyes out. I did NOT want to have to be dependent on any kind of drug to keep myself "normal".
But, after time, I realized it wasn't so bad; I responded well to Lithium and didn't have to take any other drugs to go along with it. Things stayed that way for about ten years, when the Lithium just stopped working. Since that time, I have been on every imaginable medication that you can think of.
As to your question about being undiagnosed - it sure sounds possible. The doctor that told you not to come back until you were worse off (or something to that effect) was just plain negligent and ignorant. It is because we only seek help when we are doing well, that so many people get mis-diagnosed or under-diagnosed.
I recommend that you think back to when all this stuff started happening to you, and write down the details. Once you have a written document that describes what you have been going through, you can present it to your next doctor/therapist. I have found that doctors and therapists seem to like having things down in paper. And, if for no other reason than that it helps you collect your thoughts and write them down in a coherent fashion, it is very cathartic to get it all down on paper. Also, I don't know about you, but I plan to do an autobiography of my life; I don't really care if it is a bestseller. I just think it would be a good way of letting people know what I have gone through, and to see that there is a bona fide reason why you are going through all of this up and down turmoil and fear of what may happen to you next.
Today, I am doing very well with my bipolar I. I take Seroquel, Trazodone, Lamictal and Cymbalta - all for my mania and my depression - and my moods have been pretty stable over the past year or two. And this is true, in spite of the fact that I have to have leg/hip surgery on Friday the 13th - yes, Friday, March 13th!! Gag - I hope it does not turn out to be an unlucky day for me!! Anyway, I am going to be laid up for quite a while (I know this because this is the second time they are operating on this leg). I try really hard to live in the moment and not project into the future too much. All you can do is take one day at a time, and live the best way you can, each day.
I hope that some or any of this has been helpful to you. Good luck with everything; I'll be thinking about you.

Thank you Rapper.

I haven't seen my therapist in almost 2 years, and I have been doing alright, but I haven't been doing anything too crazy. I monitor myself every day, I guess that is something I will need to do for the rest of my life. I've been getting by with enough energy to make it 'look' like I'm doing alright, at least for the most part. I called today to try and set up an appointment to see that therapist again. She was fabulous and I got a lot accomplished when I was seeing her and going through the psychotherapy. Thank you for your post and quick reply.

And you've confirmed what I was thinking. Journaling is something I need to force myself to do daily. Sit down for 5 minutes and journal. I really need to begin doing that. And I can see a benefit to including mood diarying in that. Maybe right now, that I have more energy, it's something I'll be able to do.

I'm scared that right now if I don't get help I will have a crash coming soon, I'm at the top of the 18 month cycle that I mentioned in my previous post. You're right, I need to focus on living in the moment. I can't let the fear of what will happen if .. control me.

PS: I hope your surgery goes perfectly smooth! I'll be thinking about you as well.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BeBlessed,

Greetings to you, BeBlessed!

I was very encouraged by your latest post. It sounds like you are trying very hard to get a handle on all of your emotional ups and downs. For me, it is very reassuring to know that other people can relate to what I have been saying. Knowing that you are truly, NOT alone, is a strong source of support for me. When you initially get diagnosed and "treated", you can feel as though you are the only one going through what you are going through. I find a great deal of comfort in being able to commiserate with others, who have been through similar situations as I have. I get a great deal of strength and support when I am communicating with people who understand how the high, highs and the low,lows affect your daily living. I have received lots of support and consonance in telling others what I have been through and, probably more important than that, I sincerely hope that some of the information I share on this board will somehow make another person's day a little bit better to handle.

If it is determined that you have bipolar disorder, now is the time to reach out to as many people as you can - people who have had similar experiences as you. I have found that by corresponding with my sisters and brothers, all of us diagnosed with some kind of mental illness, we are able to gain strength and hope for better days to come. As I previously said, my peers in this business of mental illness diagnoses have a very unique and important understanding of what we all go through. When you are down and out, or if you are higher than high, reach out to the people of this community. It is true that I have learned SO much more from my peers, than I have from my shrink or my therapist. Sure, the mental health professionals have important information to impart to us, and they are responsible for making sure we get the right meds and counseling to help us understand why we do what we do. But it is my peer group that has always told me the down-to-earth, nitty gritty realities surrounding this bipolar disorder. They have tried, first hand, to beat this disorder and rise above the low expectations that so many of the professionals believe that we are only capable of - the bare minimum, which sets us up to not try to far exceed their expectations. I have learned coping skills in DBT training, but the real skills that have stayed with me, long after the professionals have done their job to diagnose and treat me, are the ones I have learned by myself and through others.

I don't necessarily trust what certain professionals say or do - unless they have also experienced some of the same things we have experienced. Lessons learned in "real" life, with my peers, have usually been far more important to me than what I hear from my shrink, therapist, and other mental health "professionals". The lessons learned from other folks who are like-minded - ie: have personal experience with this whole business of labeling and medicating, and how demeaning it can be at times, have been irreplaceable. I have often spent time with just one person (who has some kind of mental illness diagnosis), in hopes that we can learn from one another. By putting two (may I be so bold as to say that two heads together - theirs and mine are a great starting point for some intense and valuable sharing of what they have gone through and what we have learned over time to be effective for a much larger group of people. I absolutely become invigorated by what my peers have to say, and I do hope that I am providing others with some possible information that would be helpful to one or both of them.

In taking on this task, I believe I can reach out to people and get them involved in some interesting and refreshingly optimistic stances from all parties involved in this kind of world, which at face value, seems to go against the tenets of what we feel are important to our every day survival. Knowing that you have a similar experience under your belt, immediately draws the two of you together.

Well, I have really rambled on and on, and repeated myself too much. I have the highest of hopes for you, and I want you to know that having bipolar disorder can actually be a blessing, not a curse.

With Warm Thoughts and Prayers,