Bipolar Depression

So my best friend is suffering from bipolar no doubt and has been for a long time. I love her with all my heart and there is not a thing in the world I would not do for her. I think I care about her a little too much. We had been amazing friends for a long time. I love her for the right reasons because she stood up for me in my worst of situation when nobody else would. And then it turned into something romantic over a few kisses and that was it. It was amazing but gone faster than I could snap my fingers. It hurt.

I have been there for her and never turned my back once. She however isolated not only from me but the entire world once our connection crossed. I never ever felt like getting into a relation because i was scarred that a good friendship would be lost. I tried to cross the line because i felt we both felt the same way about each other.

She had a year from hell. A staff infection in her eye, cancer, her good friend dying, to her grand father dying. All this happened in 9 months. She claims that she has a lot of issues which she does that tie into a large amount of self guilt from the past, anger, lack of self love. Self love is something she doesn't know. I don't think you can love someone else unless you love yourself first.

Here is my biggest problem. She is notorious for telling me all her problems and then not letting me around her to help her out. She asks for help and as soon as I make certain suggestions that I think can be the best thing for her, she pushes me and my suggestions away. Its as if she wants me to know that she is miserable but will not let me in nor anyone else in.

Here is another aspect. She says she isolates because she claims that is how she was taught when she was young. she states "I was taught to isolate and get away from everyone else so no body sees me like this" "I was told to separate to get my sh%^ together and not let people see me weak"...I don't know how a parent could tell a child to to do so, clearly if you need help.

I am really tired of the roller coaster i am riding just to stick in there and prove my loyalty and that i wont turn my back on her. She will make a pity trip if I walk away. Yet at the same time shes doing it to me. I feel like a tv remote that gets put on mute, turned on , turned off that is strapped to the front seat of a roller coaster.

My love for her is blinding me from the real things that I need to do. The part of her i love the most is what i saw in the past i have haven't seen it at all lately. Her illness is rubbing off on me and even this email is distracting me from what i need to do in my life and is somehow making my mind unhealthy.

How should I deal with this loved one? I know that i need to control my emotions as well as I can with her. I am tired of living daily through emails and being flaked out on over and over when she claims to want to see me. It effecting me. How do i save the friendship and save myself at the same time?

the problem is that one day you might have to cut the ties that bind, meaning there is only so much you are going to beable to do before you become depressed yourself. It is obivous from what you wrote that you love her, but she is being very rude to you. So let me tell on one hand people sometimes do not want you to help, they just want you to listen to there problems. Then on the flip side they want your help but then do not know how to exept it. She more or less just wants you to totally fix it, without her having to do anything, which that goes along with the bp. She wants a night in shinning armor to come in and save the day(sorry about the clique) I know it hurts amigo to be in love, but you have to walk away for awhile and see what happens. If she truely feels for you,she will relize what you meant to her that you are not in her life and come back. Now I know the other side and that she might not come back, but you know the old saying you lead a horse to water. I was also wondering if she was taking in medication or going to see a doector. Well good luck and amigo it is hard to deal with this stuff. YOu are not alone.

thanks for the help. i needed to hear that from someone else who doesn't know her. she is being rude to me and I have been way to good to her to just let it run me. It hurts no doubt. She is untreated bipolar so it only can get worse. Her depression is becoming contagious and I am suffering because of her mental illness. I'm too good of a person to have to deal with being strung along like silly putty. I think that she just wants me to listen to her problems but knowing what shes tells me hurts that i cant do anything about it. It is sick behavior to put me though all of this. But I know it is unintentional. Its more un-conscience. Her negatives and demons are creating me negatives and demons and I got to much I need to accomplish so i cannot let them get in the way of that. How should I respond do you think the next time she tries to contact me. It will be an email about negative stuff in her life looking at me for a response. You suggest I don't answer? That might be tough but i will do it if you say that is what is best. Brian

in my opition and this is just that so I can only tell you what I think. See I am talking on the other side of the glass meaning I have bp and have been the hospital. I try very hard to keep my meds moving and try to get to meeting and the doctor. So to me, when someobdy that loves them tells them they have a problem, they should get help. So tara and brain, you should not have to put up with that, you have already told them what ws wrong and it was up to them to get help. My wife told me soemthing was wrong, so I tried to get help. It took the v.a. several tries to get the freakin thinkg right. But see what I mean is i gave her some rectifing emotions that I was atleast attempting to get better. NOw understand this, with this illness it will never be over. A lot of people that knew my wife were always jumping her ass about me so she just could not hanld it and we divorced. As far as telling you what to see is hard, I personal would not even answer the phone she ignore her phone awhile. She really needs to know that you are not at her beacken call 24/7. Ii is hard amigo, I had people do it to me before I even know I had a mental problem at all. Nobody would tell me until I was with my wife, so it takes a special person just to understand that aspect at all of knowing that they have a mental problem. Just be careful with your emotions, and good luck feel free to write some more. I really hope this works out for you and her.

Hi Aaron~

Thanks for your response. I've been wanting to chat with someone who is BP. I have a couple of questions for you, and let me know if I get too personal. But...
How were you finally convinced to get help for BP...and by help I mean medication and therapy. Was there a breaking point for you? My BPSO won't go on medication, and I don't want to give up on finding a way to convince him to get on medication. Is there anything that can be said...the subject is almost NEVER brought up between us, and usually I only say something when we are breaking up.

And things always seem the worst when he is either beginning to become depressed (cause he doesn't want me around him at all) or when he is on the verge of hypomania (where he is irritated by me). Is there anything, in your opinion, I can do to make these times smoother. Would just leaving him alone help or smothering him with affection make him realize that I am here for him.

Just thought I'd ask for some insight from someone who might understand how the BP mind works. Thanks so much for any advice, and I'm happy for you that you have decided to choose to get healthy, and I hope you live a happy life!

one thing I would like to say, is the more people without bp ask me questions the more they will fully understand the illness. I have had a lot of discrimination toward me, and I do not blame them one bit. Well getting help was just that I saw or witnessed everybody around me was acting, and then I felt how I was acting. So I put two and two together and that really help. Now that was the finally push, for of course the doctors kept giving me the wrong diagnosis so of course the wrong medicine. My and my wife thought everytime I got the knew medicine then that would be it, and she just got more and more tired of me not getting better. I thought I was getting better only because I was doing what I was told to do and take the medicine. YOu see I did not want to have any reminisence of this illness, was going to fit into society the best way I can. That is so I could be a good husband and father. The toll of all the bad dignosis jsut finally broke my wife, but she did stay together everytime she said the medicne is not working I would go to the doctore right away. But she broke so I went and was admitted into teh doctor and they finally figured out that it was bipolar adn they gave me the correct medinice. We split up but we are great frineds and I see my kids all the time, as long as I take my medicine I am fine. NOw to me the medicince makes me feel emotions, sad happy or what not. NOt just solid emotion of sad or discontent. My advice is just to tell him or her that you are not happy. How long or going to bang your head against the wall. You basically need to let him know that he needs to get help, or you will not live with him anymore. That of course does not mean you will not support him, just not live with him anymore. I was different and that once I realize I was not fitting in and making my family misarbale I did what was nessary. It is a hard road to hold but I will answer any qauesitons you have, but be firm for the disease in a persons mind is telling him the complete opposite of what he should be thinking. That is way they shut down, or become suicidal or no impulse control, and many other ones. Do not forget this also and there will be set backs, just like anyother problem. Even with the medince you can still get depressed and manic and hyper, but they are more easly managed and they can see through it when it is happening. So good luck

It's so amazing to hear your story(TryingToHelpHer) because it seems to mirror what I've been going through over the last 2 months. I have n't known this girl for a really long time and we were n't really close - we both have issues with regards to getting really close to people. She was one the most amazing people I have ever met as I admired her from afar - really kind, friendly, incredibly caring, the most beautiful smile, great sense of humor and I would have never guessed that anything was wrong. As you can guess - I am in love with her & the first time in my life I have fallen in love with someone based on who they are inside as opposed to physical attributes(guess that means I've grown up) - but I still think she's beautiful though !

She had a major depressive episode - which is when I found out about her condition. She did n't want anyone to know about it but I forced my way through because I knew something was seriously wrong. She never told me that she was bipolar - I found out from a friend that she stopped taking her medications and that's why it happened.
I would go see her quite often and I also went through the rollercoaster ride of emotions with her - I could make her laugh and be happy somedays and nothing worked on other days where she would n't want me to be around. It also developed into something romantic with a few kisses & could have been more but I am not a guy to take advantage of anyone who is vulnerable. Since then it has gone really bad where she cut me off completely - left town-and I suffered from depression for 2 months because of the co-dependency that was created - I could feel on top of the world when I was with her and
could make her happy and just the complete opposite when nothing worked and she did n't want me around- I struggled with the question - is it me - am I inadequate for her ? I gave her everything I had and more to the point of draining myself physically and emotionally - and I only knew her for six months - even her own family did n't seem to care. My main concern is that I need to preserve my psychological wellbeing because like TryingToHelpHer I have alot to do in my life at this moment and I have a history of depression and panic attacks, which I've overcome only recently. I feel weakened when I think of her and the pain she is going through and I can't be with her to make sure she's ok and I can't afford to be weak because it triggers stress and depression for me.
But I can't help wanting to just throw everything away to be with her and be her everything - that really scares me that I've given her so much influence over me.
I will probably see her next week as that's when she returns to town and I don't know what to do - I'm scared that she'll tell me that she feels nothing for me and I would n't be able to handle that after I've given her all of myself.
I am actually starting a new job around about the time she gets back and I don't know what to do - I could leave and not see her again but I still love her and would want to be with her in a long-term relationship even though I know it will be challenging but I don't know if I should just walk away and save myself....

amigo in my option she will not change unless she takes her medication, she will be that way you really can not change her just by making her laugh. STill, do not give up since your love has just started, you could be the spark she needs. JUst do not forget about your own wellbeing.

I know it's wrong to think that I can "save" her - that's the kind of person I am - I would put myself at risk to help anyone.
I am really scared for her because I know that the rate of suicide is quite high for people with this illness and when I would go see her - the nurses would ask her in my presence(which I think was demeaning) whether she was going to do anything bad or hurt herself. So I don't know if she has a history of suicide attempts - but I would n't live with myself if something happened to her. Since she has n't told me that she is bipolar and probably thinks I don't know - how do I bring it up when she comes back after treatment-should I just act like I know nothing and that everything is ok - when I know that she can just as easily spiral into another depressive episode.
I feel that if I can convince her that I understand and can be her support then she would n't have to worry about anything - because I think it was stress that triggered her last episode as she was promoted to a more demanding position at work. So if I can convince her that I'll always be there for her and would take care of her - then she would n't have to worry and stress about anything - I know it sounds like a fairytale but maybe dreams can come true.
I know that she feels she can't stay on her own and I don't think she has anyone to live with when she comes back from treatment.
I can't reach her at all on her phone and I don't know where she is staying - all I know is that she is back next week.

I really love her and I would move heaven and earth to be with her and I would support her for the rest of her life as someone who is BP - but if she does n't want me around - what do I do with that ? Also do you have to be 100% yourself to support someone who is BP?

Hopeless Romantic~

Man, you sound like me. The only advice I can give you is what I've learned from my own experience. SO here goes:

I too am romantic at heart. I too thought I could be the one to come into my b/f's life and be the one to finally convince him to get help. It's been over 2 and a half years, and he is still not on medication. Have I given up...no, not yet, but I get closer eith every episode. I can tell him I love him and will be there for him no matter what till I'm blue in the face...does that keep him from distancing himself from me, breaking up with me, ignoring me (when he's depressed), no, not at all. In fact, I think sometimes my delcarations of love for him actually drive him farther away. When he asks me to never leave him, even when he says he doesn't love me, because deep down he still does, and I say I'll never leave...that doesn't prevent him from breaking up with me.

The thing is, that person isn't him. I mean sure it's him, but it's him in a BP episode. So, I try hard to seperate that guy from the "real guy." But it's hard to do. He always comes back, because I'm his security blanket. Can I put up with that for the rest of my life...I doubt it.

I too live in the fairy tale land that I will convince him to get on medication, and that losing me will be the breaking point for him. But has he gone on medication yet...nope.

One thing you said in your post that struck a cord with me...when she comes back from treatment, you act like you don't know. Here's my one piece of advice, and this is just my opinion from my own experience...If I were you, and you're serious about this relationship...open up those communication lines. When I first started dating my b/f, he said once he was bipolar, but he wouldn't talk about it. I researched it, and realized he was. He didn't want to talk about it, so I NEVER brought up the subject. After a couple of years of this, and almost never speaking of the subject, it is almost impossible for us to talk about it...it's like the elephant in the room. We both know it's there, but no one talks about it. I'd like to and try to bring it up, but I get slapped with the "I'm not crazy" comment, and then I'm ususally dumped shortly thereafter. He thinks no one knows, even though everyone knows somethings off with him. But like I said, it's a nonsubject. So since your relationship is new...I'd bring the subject to light, and let her know that this is a subject you both need to talk about if you're going to make this relationship work.

Hope this helps a little. GOOD LUCK!

tara, I think you are right especially somebody with bp, do not let them bullie you say what you want for the bp will want to talk about something else or go all over the place. Just say, for you have the otehr have of the relationship, you also matter. And no you do not have to be bp to help somebody that has it. JUst stand tough and rememer you love her.

Hey Tara

Thank you so much for sharing your invaluable insight and experiences with me.

I am so confused about what to do when I see her - although I would like to throw myself at her and tell her how much I love her and would ALWAYS be there for her - from what you said - it might just push her away if she feels pressured to be in a relationship with me or she might not care. This sounds silly but if I act like I don’t care, would she be drawn to me? If I do bring up anything about her condition- I fear that it will be just like when she was in hospital and I would go see her...any questions about her condition, her health, plans, etc would stress her out and she would ask me to go..I would have to distract her with jokes, light conversation, etc. for me to stay with her - maybe she is in self-denial or extremely embarrassed about her condition?
So I don't think I can shoot straight from the hip when she comes back but at the same time I am starting a new job and don't think I’ll really be around to "try" to be there for her so I have to resolve this issue really soon to see where I stand. It's so disgusting how callous and narrow-minded the so-called friends in her work environment are - they've already judged her and made alot of crude insensitive assumptions about what she's going through. She has been so friendly and kind to everyone there but as soon as she goes through a difficult time they label her as “crazy”. Why are people so cruel and intolerant when it comes to mental illness? I am so worried about her and I am willing to stay part-time at the job (something really tough to do) just to watch over her.

She's told me that she has been hurt in the past by people and I fear that since we have become close in such a short space of time - that she is scared that I may hurt her and that's why she probably cut me off. How can I convince of what I know I feel in my heart - that I would never hurt her & would make her the most important person in my life. I'd support her in every way - financially, emotionally, etc - how can I make her see that she can trust me and I am not like the others that might have hurt her or deserted her in the past? However, I really don't know where I stand with her because she just cut me off and I don't know what the status of our relationship is? All I know is that it will be very painful for me if she wants me out of her life -I know that she does n't have anyone else(family or friends) who care about her as much as I do. Alot of people have told me to get out and that I am jumping in too quickly and that I really don't know - but I've seen all that I 've needed to know that she's the one for me - a "real hidden treasure".

Tara, where do you find the strength to handle the periodic rejection from your BP boyfriend and the overwhelming fear that one day he might just cut you off completely? Have you been affected psychologically in any way from being in this relationship? I am a very sensitive person who gets hurt really easily and I'm often too naive for my own good so it means I am easily manipulated by people. Would I have to really "toughen up" to be in a relationship with her so that I can handle the withdrawal, rejection and constant uncertainty ?

Tara, I am so sorry for what you are going through and have nothing but admiration and respect for you in this extremely challenging path that you have embarked on with someone that you obviously feel is worth it and who’s inner beauty is sometimes clouded by an illness that wreaks havoc upon the lives of both the sufferer and those that love them. As observers and partners, we can ‘t even imagine the unspeakable horrors that people with this illness are faced with and the tremendous strength required to overcome it.

Hi Hopeless Romantic (Brian),

I have read all of your posts and I hope U don't mind me joining in on you, Tara, & Aaron's posts. I myself am someone who is living with BP. I was diagnosed last November. I am married with two children. Have been married for almost 14 years. Although I have been recently diagnosed, I realize now, after finally being put on the proper medications and being in therapy over the last several months, that my BP has had a major impact on me throughout my entire life. Brian, in reading your posts, I couldn't help but see a lot of my own husband in you! The way I ultimately got help for my BP was the following: Last November because I had what was called a psychotic mental break. It came at the end of a 4 month severe depressed state. I was working in a very, very high stressed job, I was severely depressed, we were in the process of packing up our home and trying to sell our home and our parent's home and trying to find one big home so that my family and my parents could move in with us. And the the pressures of all that put together just brought everything to a head for me apparently. The move - was a highly emotional trigger point for me and that was the icing on the cake so to speak. A whole lot of trust issues came up with several of my family members - my Mother, my sisters, and worst of all my husband. And when that happened, my just mind snapped. I felt I couldn't trust anyone - I felt completely alone in the world. Worst of all, I felt that my husband was now my "enemy" and not really looking out for me but more concerned about the rest of my family. I felt completely isolated. My husband felt completely devastated when I expressed this to him. It crushed him to know that this was how I was feeling. At that point in time - I had lost all feelings for him of any kind - emotionally, sexually - everything. I just became completely disconnected from him and pretty much everyone else in my life - including my children. I knew in my head this wasn't good or right but physically and mentally I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to do anything about it and worst of all - I had no idea why except that I the feelings were sooooo strong telling me to go - get away, go be alone - disappear....That's all I wanted to do.

Now at this time, I had not gone back to my doctors so I was not aware what was happening - I just truly thought that my husband had broken my trust and because of several other major things that had happened in our marriage - this was the icing on the cake and I was done. I was finished and just wanted out and was ready to end our marriage. I wasn't thinking I was sick. It never entered my mind. The only thing I was really concerned about at this point was my depression because I suffered from depression over the years and this last bought was one of the worst for me. Fortunately one of my friends had talked me into setting up an appointment to go back to my psychiatrist. My appt. was in a few days. She had also strongly suggested that I really be honest this time about the things I'd been really feeling - like the lack of trust in people, the feelings of wanting to just go off and be on my own, thoughts of affairs, etc. I was always so afraid to tell anyone those feelings, especially my husband. I just thought that made me a horrible person.

So - in the next day or 2 I went to my appointment and told my Doctor how bad my depression had become. My thoughts of suicide practically everyday, the lack of trust, how hard it was for me at work, the wanting to escape - not be with anyone - wanting to get away, the feelings of being completely suffocated by my husband and girls at home, all that. I was sooo distraught. I had known my doctor for years - he's treated my husband and daughter for ADD and I trusted him implicitly. I told him I'm ready to hear whatever U have to say - whatever it is that I have - I'm ready and I'll do whatever it is I have to do - take whatever I have to take in order to get better.

That's when he told me I have BP. BP Phase II. Which is more of depressive states with hypomanic phases. We started on medications - it's taken several months to find the right ones and the right doses. Since then, I've taken a family medical leave from my work. I"ve been out since December of last yr. and am due to go back at the end of March. I'm scared to death about going back - don't know if I'll be ready.

I know this is a tremendous amount of information and I'm sorry about the length, but throughout all this....The isolation, the disconnection, the lack of emotions, depressions, unable to trust people - all of that is the bipolar - it isn't the real person.

People with BP can't trust their own feelings - that's why it's so hard for them to trust another person. And if you can learn to not be reactive to the person when they are acting out during these times, not take them personally - that will help U tremendously in how you manage your life if you choose to life with BP in your life.

Also - it is extremely important that if you choose to stay in these relationships, you should definitely consider look into support for for yourself. Either therapy or support groups. My husband see his own therapist just to keep himself strong so that he can continue to be strong for me and our girls, and most importantly - not to loose himself in all this. Because most of the time, right now, I can't do much for anyone. He's doing everything. He is my savior. He is my knight in shinning armor! But on the flip side - when my BP kicks up, because he cares soooo much about me and wants to help so much, he's there alot - making sure everything is being taking care of. Sometimes, that just gets way too stifling - and then I start to shut down.

And I know that is really hard for him. He sees it, but sometimes I can't talk about it...It scares me so much. Eventually I will open up to him because deep down inside I know he is my best friend in the whole entire world and most of all, he loves me for who I am no matter what. And I do know this and do believe it. And the only way I've come to really know this is by allowing him to stay in my life, even when I was scared to death to let him do that.

I knew I needed someone and he was the only person I had that seemed to honestly be my friend. So as scared as I was, I allowed him to stay in my life after I was diagnosed and he just didn't quit. He was consistent as a friend, nothing more - which was very hard for him to do - after 14 yrs of marriage - to take out the "husband" aspect of things. But he did. That's how dearly he loves and cares for me. And slowly, I was able to see and trust him and know that no matter what, I will always be able to count on him.

Within the last several months - we have slowly progressed back to even a husband/wife relationship at times but that comes and goes depending on the BP - which is o.k. The BP had actually put a whole new spin on our relationship now - it's changed it completely and for the better. Communication is the key!!!

Being open, honest, gentle and loving. That is a must if you want to go anywhere with a person with BP. I know I will have constant struggles for the rest of my life because of this...but my husband has made the commitment to never leave me. That does scare me to know that another person is committed to stay and ride this monster with me but in the end, I'd much rather have my best friend beside me to take on this adventure!

I hope this helps. Good luck with everything. Just remember, the BP never stops - it will never go away so don't stop your life for this. Your starting a new job next week. If this is important to you, then put your friend and her PB to the side and put some positive energy into yourself and go focus on getting prepared and refreshed for your new job.

She knows you are there for her Brian. She needs to take that first step to help herself and she won't do that if you are always there to help fix it for her or give her the answer.

You've been apart for a week already, a little more time won't hurt. It will be o.k. Giving yourself time for yourself, to focus on yourself and to mentally get yourself better, is one of the best ways you can help her. Just remember that.

Lastly - here is an excellent book: "Take Charge of BiPolar Disorder - A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability" by Julie A. Fast and John Preston, PsyD.

O.k. - I'm done now

Ms. Green

Hi Ms Green

Thank you so much for your post . Actually I have n’t seen her in over 2 months - it was really painful in the beginning to deal with the fact that she had been discharged from the hospital and left town without telling me. I felt really hurt when I turned up at the ward where she had been and the staff (who knew me very well by then) told me that she was gone. I think about her everyday and I have to fight just to remain strong and keep it together (even at this very moment) so that I don’t fall apart due to the incessant worrying about her.
You spoke about the trust issues when it comes to your partner and yourself or others (family members) – what brings on the feeling he’s being disloyal to you? Is it that he has to always take your side & share your viewpoint and if he does n’t, then does that trigger those feelings of disloyalty and mistrust? But at the same time – if he’s around too much to prove his love and loyalty to you – you mentioned that sometimes you feel stifled? Do you have any advice on achieving a balance between the two – being there for someone who is BP but at the same time not “suffocating” that person? I think that happened between us – I was around a bit too much maybe so that I could prove to her how much I loved her and wanted to be there for her because our relationship was fairly new.
The “friend” thing is probably a burning issue for me – I want to be her everything to protect her from anything that might hurt her or cause her stress but in the capacity as a friend I have limited powers in that respect. A physical relationship is not the most important thing in the world for me because I don’t consider it the most important thing and I’m extremely patient in that regard but I still want to show her that I love her and I am committed to being with her in a long-term relationship. But it seems that being a friend to her might be the only way I could really earn her trust and not put any pressure on her. If that is so, then I’ll do whatever it takes to be with her and support her even as a friend.

I know that I should put myself first and take of myself but I am a completely selfless person (got it from my mum-  ) and I could n’t do that knowing that I can be there for someone in pain. I would sacrifice so much for her and make the most important person in my life because I think she’s worth it and I would do whatever I can do to make her life as comfortable as possible. I guess the biggest question for me is whether I am strong enough to be strong for the both of us if she wants me in her life...

do not forget that it is a big difference to stay with somebody that is getting help and meds, and somebody that does not want to get help and will argue that noghting is wrong and pretty much not ever get better.