Bipolar Depression

I see alot of people on here saying they have dne horrible things to lived nes due to BP and others saying don't let your loved one blame everything n BP. My husband had a really bad summer he beat me on several occasions and even stood by and watched as a stranger raped me. He claims to not remember any of this and even says I'm being selfish because I can't let go of these things and they get in the way of me supporting him. I want so much to save him. I make DR appts and do research but I haven't heard of other bipolars doing these kind of extreme things and not even remembering them

lovinwife: im so sorry that happened to you. you should not and certainly do not deserve to be abused or raped, and certainly not as your husband watched. its hard to know sometimes what is bp and what is just mean. Did you husband exhibit abusive tendencies before he was diagnosed? i cant even begin to have answers for you, but i can tell you that when my husband is manic he says and does things that are horrible (but nothing compared to what you went through). He curses me, screams at me, and makes me feel like im nothing. he tells me that it is my fault because i am the only one who pisses him off. he gets angry at me for making him go to the doctor. he gets angry and lashes out at me because im the one who makes him take his meds, even though he knows thats not true. he has told me that he wants a divorce, that he loves another woman...and then he doesnt remember. he told me that he didnt think that we were going to work, that i was too weak to support him because i cry (and i cry when he becomes verbally abusive). and then he doesnt remember. and i've said all that to say this: i still dont know. i cant believe in my heart or my head that he would intentionally do something to hurt me because when he's not manic he is loving and gentle. BUT...please know one thing...you CANNOT save him. you can help him by making sure he keeps his doctor appointments. you can support him by making sure he gets plenty of rest. you can support him by making sure he stays on his med schedule (he is taking meds, right?). I also take meds every day..and when i go to get mine, i'll ask "hey, im getting my meds, do you want me to get yours?" that way it doesnt sound like im asking him if he's taking it, and it normally works. You can support him. you can cry for him and you can love him, but you cannot save him. he has to take an active role in wanting help and wanting to be well. I too want to save my husband, but i found out that i cant. and you know, the harder i tried, the more angry he became at me. i had to end up leaving because of a very vile and nasty verbal and emotional attack on me one night when he was manic. If you husband was not like this before the illness, then i would say not to blame him, that it was the mania talking; however, if you husband stood by and watched something as horrible as that happen to you....whew...thats a tough one to comment on. just know this: you are not to blame. bp and his actions, good or bad, are not your fault. you deserve to be well, and in order for you to support him (should that be what you decide to do) you have to be well. seek treatment for yourself, in whatever form you need, i.e., meds, therapy, etc. i do know that when my husband is manic, his sex drive goes sky high, and its not love making he wants..its sheer sex, no attachment, no kindness, just sex, which is OK sometimes, but in our frail state we need love. my husband tells me that he doesnt have any love for himself, so he cant give me what i need right now. he still tells me he loves me, but i know its not as sincere as it once was, but hey, i'll take it.

we can only do so much. we cannot save them. they have to want to be well and take the steps to be that way. we can be there for them to lean on, but we cannot hold them up, they have to do that themselves. but under know circumstances should you be abused. please let me know how *you* are. take care.

This may sound callous and insensitive but since reading the starting post of this topic I have become angry and incredulus. I must say what I must say.

Your husband suffers from BP therefore someone diagnosed him as such, which means he went to a doctor of some sort. Or, do you just think he is? Loaded question, I know.

If he went to a doctor who thus diagnosed him and he refuses to believe it and will not start medication, stay on medication given, nor will attend therapy - then he is not only being irresponsible to himself BUT he is being irresponsible to you also.

If you are still living with this man who you say beat you and allowed others to rape you for his own sick perverted pleasure (whether manic or not) and says he doesn't remember a thing (therfore you are lying), for you not to hold it against him, and if you do then you are not supporting him - then dear what is it that you do not understand as to what you must do?

If you cry about how much you love him, you want to stand beside him, you don't want him to feel you've abandoned him when he is sick, blah blah and you continue staying and allowing (yes allowing) him to treat you this way and then allowing him to blow it off as "I don't remember, you can't blame me I'm sick." then you are enabling him and giving him excuse to hurt, belittle, demean, and downright threaten your life. In the words of Oprah, you are giving him your power.

If he refuses to believe, refuses to seek treatment, refuses to attend therapy - there is absolutely nothing you can do for him. YOU MUST DO FOR YOURSELF.

I am getting fed up with family members, spouses, partners, etc... going on and on about their BP others beating them, abusing them, etc. BUT the BP other will not seek treatment and will not take meds AND yet you all stay with them and put up with the abuse (whether they can control it or not - they could with meds, therapy, and doc visits - IT IS A CHOICE).

I want to feel sympathy, I want to.. but I just can't.

We are not all abusers, pillagers, rapists, murderers, aggressive and violent beasts.

From a BP sufferer

To Hangingon: Thank youso much for your kind words. It really helps to know that other people know what we live with. I wiil take some of your suggestions and try to work with them. Also thank your prayers, we all need them. Things have been better with me. Myhusband has been backon his meds a month and is acting more responsible and I hate to say the work Normal, but that is what it is. So I hope that this improvment will last. He made a doctors appt. for himself so that is an improvment. Thanks again for being there. At Wits End

Marie: i hope you didnt take what i posted as to say that bp sufferers are all violent beasts, im sorry if you did, but i in no way meant for it to come out that way. please accept my apologies.

i know that staying is enabling him, thats why i left, but that does not mean that i cannot cry for our loss. i guess the reasons that i (we) cry is because we remember the "other side" of the coin, before bp, before the outburts, etc. i left and came back and left again. we've been seeing each other daily since and he's been on a steady plane...staying on the meds, which is what he needed to do in the first place. i know that staying there was only telling him that he could poop all over me and i would take it..so why change? thats why i made the decesion i did.

lovinwife should not stay and take any abuse either, whether bp is to blame or not, and i hope i did not sound like i was excusing her husbands behavior because i was surely not. we have to take control of the things in our life we CAN control, which is OUR wellbeing. we cant take charge or blame for others. WE have to be well, i know that.

I'm not asking for sympathy when i post. when i post i am "talking" to someone who is either living or has lived some of what i am now. i have nobody to talk to about this who understands; most ppl in my family tell me to tell him to shake it off. they just dont get it. when i post here its just to get something off my chest because if i didnt, i think i would explode.

i didnt mean to offend anyone. and i certainly didnt mean to condone or justify abusive or perverse actions.

Hanginon:

I am not upset with you. I am not specifically upset with lovingwife.. well, yeah I am a bit.

I will not apologize for what I said but I apologize if it seemed so harsh. I just felt that it needed to be said.

I found this site and Pendulum.org after I was diagnosed correctly after almost 30 years of suffering and being on the totally wrong type of meds.

In reading both sites for several months I have found a recurring theme from loved ones of BP sufferers of the BP ones beating them, verbally abusing them, sexually violating them, etc.. (not on this website in totality - across both sites in general).

I have also seen that the loved ones either call us totally selfish (which most are not in reality) or cry via posting about what should they do, the BP one will not seek help, will not take meds, will not stay on meds, will not recognize there is a problem, etc.

The BP one then, per their post, in their manic state beats them, humiliates them, rapes them, allow others to (in this circumstance), etc.. and then say "it isn't her/his fault, they are sick, I don't blame them."

Yet the BP one will refuse, according to the posts, to recognize and seek help even when confronted with their actions. So the other cries about how they can't do anything, yet love them, yet do not want to abandon them, do not want to leave them, so on and so on.

This is cyberspace, the internet, none of us know what each others true life is. We only know what is posted and we only react to what is posted because by posting you are requesting a reaction.

If you guys all want to continue living with someone who will not take responsibility and get the help that is available out there and recognize - perhaps during their reasonable rational state - that something is terriably terriably wrong in Denmark then you are allowing it to happen to yourself. YOU MUST DO FOR YOURSELF TO KEEP YOURSELF HEALTHY AND SAFE.

If that means going to therapy and getting on meds yourself so you won't drown from it - so be it. If it means you must leave and seek safety and shelter until all clears and the BP person is under the care of professionals and makes a life concerted effort to continue because it is lifelong, then please seriously think about doing it. If it means taking charge and having your BP loved one committed or hospitalized because they are a danger to themselves OR YOU, then please please consider doing so.

If they (BP person) never come around, and you have left, then you must try to move on best you can. I know it is easier said then done and each person's life is different and complicated but you must gain and use your own inner power to keep yourself whole and sane.

BP in any form not only makes ill and often times destroys the one suffering but causes collateral damage to those suffounding him/her.

Not every BP person is like this even in their most manic state, for those who are - there are treatment options available.

I became upset because it seems, to me, that others via websites make out that all of us in general are the violent beasts and gives us all a bad view.

We are not all like that, each suffers differently and in different forms and we have a bad enough stigma from society that we are exactly that - unstable, often times violent, and aggressive people.

marie: you are 100% correct. bp is an illness and just like 98% of all other illness, it is treatable, but one must seek out the treatment. and there are numerous medications and therapies for the treatment of bp, but none will work until they are actively pursued. Yes, we must take charge of ourselves, and we must be safe and healthy, and not feel guilty about it.

i think that sometimes the mania comes on so suddenly and takes us by surprise that it leaves us sitting there, blinking really hard...and that is why we feel so hopeless and dont know what to do except wonder how we can "save" our loved one. we all fall when the floor is jerked out from under us.

marie, i appreciate your frank comments here. i learn from you, even tho as you said you do not know me except from words on a screen. you taught me that it was OK for me to remove myself from the situation. I know that society puts a stigma on bp; my sister was diagnosed with "manic depression" 40 years ago....everyone in our family thought she was the "nervous" one. more is known about it now and she takes the meds she needs now, but she's never been agressive.

all take care

Dear hanginon thank you for your kind words I really needed the boost. To marie I think perhaps you made some wrong assumptions possibly from your own life or experience but not from my post. I am not here to "cry" on this board. I am an amazingly strong woman, I don't cry often or easily. My husband does seem to be concerned, he goes to the DR. he takes his meds. He was delayed in seeking treatment because he claims to not remember, In fact after the rape he started calling my friends and family telling them he was worried about me having a mental problem because I had "imagined" this horrible thing. he came to believe me later because a DR. exame confirmed it. I don't need to cry or get sympathy I need to know what to really blame on the BP. If people can tell me that yes patients with BP do these horrible things and really don't remember than it's easy for me to stay by my husband. If this is true I will go through this hell my whole life if need be because I made a comittment to someone I love "in sickness and in health" However, if I find that the BP is just an easy way for him to indulge some sick fantasy or hurt people, well anyone would agree that's different.
Marie, I hope some good comes to your life so you might be able to see the good in others before you attack. I am a young mother of Two. I am clearly new to the world of BP. I am not whoever you've listened to "cry" for years. Although I feel for them also. You don't know me or my whole story. If I cry, when I cry, I am crying because I feel that I might be losing the greatest man I've ever know. My friends used to envy me this great love. Now they don't answer when they see my number on the caller ID because they don't know if it's me or that ranting raving husband of mine. My life has completely crashed in the last 3 months. I know 3 months is a long time but it's not the years you've spent listening to people like me cry. Perhaps it's your very own loved ones you've spent all these years listening to. Maybe they are sick of it also.

I see alot of people on here saying they have dne horrible things to lived nes due to BP and others saying don't let your loved one blame everything n BP. My husband had a really bad summer he beat me on several occasions and even stood by and watched as a stranger raped me. He claims to not remember any of this and even says I'm being selfish because I can't let go of these things and they get in the way of me supporting him. I want so much to save him. I make DR appts and do research but I haven't heard of other bipolars doing these kind of extreme things and not even remembering them

Dear Lovingwife:

The copy of what you initially posted is what I initially responded to. You didn't state that he was going to dr appts, taking meds, etc.. you stated that "I make Dr appts and do research.." and that "He claims not to remember any of this and even says I'm being selfish because I can't let go of these things and it gets in the way of me supporting him." You posted this and I responded as I stated in my last reply.

Your husband beat you and watched as a stranger raped you and you are concerned enough about my post reaction to your initial posting to type a response accusing me of basically attacking before knowing the facts of your life. In posting what you did you gave, at least to me, a request as to whether this happens a lot and what to do.

I am a mother of one and even if my spouse was or wasn't mentally ill (which he isn't) for him to beat me and allow a stranger to rape me while he watched - whether he was in full control of his mental state or not - I would not continue living with him for fear of what would come next time he was manic. I certainly wouldn't allow my child to live in the house with someone that was that physically violent to me. I take it that you are still living with him since you didn't specify any different.

Hate and resent me all you want but as you said - it is your life and your circumstances. If you want to continue as is, great.

When you post something requesting advisement or collaboration, perhaps you should put more detail into the posting so that others, like myself, won't be so concerned (yes concerned) about your safety and well-being if you are not.

I think perhaps I posted too much detail in my request for advisment.please let me rephrase. How do I know what to blame on the BP. My bipolar husband blames certain actions on his BP and claims to not remember them. I am new to BP and don't know how to tell what is BP and what is just plain asshole. I tend to believe him because the actions are out of his norm but I don't hear of other BP patients claiming to not remember what they did during a manic phase.
Marie, it's really sweet that you were concerned about me. I guess the beginning of your post where you say your upset with me misled me into thinking your just a bitch, I apologize. I too am concerned for my kids which is why I've started to make plans for them to stay with relatives until my husbands BP is under controll. As for leaving my husband because he's ill, I guess I'm not as good a person as you are.

lovinwife: take some solace (for lack of a better word) in knowing that my husband does not remember what he says to me when he's manic. he has told me that he wants a divorce and actually sat down and wrote down the things he wanted and asked me what i wanted. an hour later he did not remember doing this. he has screamed and cursed me, which is a complete stray from the norm for him, and 10 minutes later he's asking me if we have any donuts...he didnt remember. i am virtually new to bp as well, but i am learning everyday. i learn from doctors, the internet, and from sites like this. as i've said before, marie and others here are very frank and honest with their responses; take them for what they are, which is honest answers and comments. i hope you continue to post because this lets us get it all out of our system. you are not alone dear, you are not alone. hope to hear from you soon. take care.

Hello, I was speaking to my husband last nite about his illness and I was remembering all the bad times and my husband did not remember doing alot of them. He would go to the bars and drink and act out, and not remember why he did those things. Last nite he apologised for all the times. But what hurts me too is that he wasted so much time for himself with this illness. He was diagnosed in 2003 but had the symptoms for 25 years. I justdid not know what to look for. Looking back it all so clear. We had bad times but really good times too and he functioned well until he fell apart in 2003. The ones with BP lose so much too, they are just not aware until they come to terms with it. So now I just try to take it one day at a time. But it is very hard and this forum has really helped me. God Bless us all

dear hanginon and wits end. I can't thank you enough this is exactly the info I was looking for. It's not that I didn't believe something was really wrong I just can't imagine someone doing those things and not remembering it at least not if they are such a seemingly functioning person. My husband also fell apart this year but has clearly been suffering a long time. I was calling his family awhile back to try to get some family history and they all said there is no history of mental illness but as I spoke to his mother and grandfather they told me "I wish you had known him before he turned 20 or so he was such a happy person" I guess his mom and her counseler decided that around 20 he "decided" to start repressing his emotions and that's what's wrong with him. She said it didn't suprise her since his dad had done the samr thing. No family history? Untill now I have felt so alone in this. The two of you can never know what you've done for me. I know now that my doubts have been cleared I will do whatever I have to do to keep my family together and help my husband get well. thank you so much.

lovinwife: i'm glad that you've found this forum too. it lets us get out the emotions that we cant make anyone else understand. it lets us know that we are not alone and that our husbands are not just being jerks or mean. as with any illness there are ups and downs....we had a very bad day yesterday. i've still got my boundries, but i sat and listened to him rant and rave. he didnt personally attack me, but i again am the enemy. he asked me why i wanted to be with him when he's bascially turned against me. i told him because when he has moments of clarity i know that he loves me. its a rainy day here today. he's depressive right now and since i've already missed so much work, i cant go home to be with him. i know he needs me right now. tomorrow may be different. thats why we hang on, i know you share my feelings on that. i've been staying a lot more recently and up until yesterday, we had some very good days. one day at a time, thats the only way. take care

You know my husband has a hard time showing emotions too. I also asked his family and they said no. But when I thought back on it, his father was very verbally abusive to his family. One uncle was fine for years, then stopped working and fought with the family allthe time and now never is seen.I worry about my boys but so far they are in their 20's are fine. Also now we know what to look for. So far so good for us in the last 3 weeks. He hasnot acted outin awhilebut being pessimistic now that I have said that.....Ha Ha. Well must try to keep our sense of humor and go on. Take care. I am thinking of you and praying for you.