Bipolar Depression

Hello again to everyone. My husband said all of the same things to me, "he needed to find himself" "he new that he was ill and that the only way he was going to get better if he could just get away from me and be on his own" " he did not even know if he could take care of himself and needed to find out" All of these things made no sence to me what so ever snd I was so hurt. Later he made excusses that he wanted to get away since he was sick and was hurting me and did not want to stay there and continue to hurt me. Finally when all of this did not work he took the easiest way out he told me he no longer loved me.
This is all typical bipolar things. He did finally left our home but was back within a week on hands and knees begging for my love an help. He then started seeing a Dr and we started attending bipolar support groups. I strongly suggest to all to go to these meetings they are open to people with bipolar and family memebers. We were attending every week and now we go about once a month. It helps that you are not alone, and to here what others are going through. It also gave us a referal to a doctor that others were seeing and liked. (that dr did not work for us but got us to one that now is)
I do not agree with the man who walks with god about the the over the counter remedies, but to each his own. My husband is on 1200 mg of lithium, 25 mg of paxil cr and 2 mg of xanax. It might sound like alot but it does not at this point have ill side effects on him. He is level. He is happy and enjoyed normal things that he once did. Everyone that sees him now can not believe how much he is back to his old self. I do not feel that everyone needs to be on the meds that my husband is on, I feel that evryone needs to see there own Dr who can come up with a treatment that is right for them. Do know that if a family memeber has bipolar, that the same mads they are on will most likely work for you too.
I do agree with the man who walks with god about praying though. The whole time he was ill i prayed none stop. I really feel that my prayers were answered, my husband is back.

I have a new problem though that I was hoping maybe someone also has suffered this. My husband has started sleepwalking. About a week ago he woke on the couch with no idea how he got there and last night he woke in the spare room once again with no memeory of leaving the bedroom. I googled a connection between sleepwalking and bipolar and found this to be in children prior to diagnosis. I could not find any audult causes of this. has anyone had this happened? Should i be so worried. He is going to tell his dr about this but does not see him for another two weeks.
Thank you

Hurt and confused , when you tell your story it's almost as your telling mine I was married to my wife for 9 years and we have 5 children . I finally had to do the one thing that hurt me the most and thats leave her for good.After years of emotional abuse by her and ups and downs blowing money like crazy and always threating me with divorce her infidellity was the last straw I had get out of that unhealthy marriage fast with my children.. It was the hardest thing for me and then soon right after she had a new boyfriend and that was short lived and the roller coaster ride continued for her .

I was married to a bipolar woman for 20 years and have been separated/divorced for 5 years. My experience was similar to most that responded in this thread and can be summarized by simply stating it was hell for our sons and me, and continues to be difficult. What I have to add to the thread & forum is that the wounds scar over, healing comes, & will continue for a lifetime. I am Catholic, took my oath very seriously, and fought on with the pain for much longer than I should have. In restrospect, my recommendation is to take your children & run as fast as you can, and as far away as practical, and start the healing process as soon as possible. You have a responsibility to both your children & yourself to end the cycle. 90% of all marriages to a bipolar spouse will end in divorce making it an inevitability (almost), but only 15-30% of children of 1 bipolar parent will become bipolar. If recognized & treated early in children, bipolar illness can be mitigated & managed. Every day you delay the inevitable only prolongs the agony & deepens the pain your children experience & puts them at greater risk. I realize how hard it is to divorce a loved one, but steel yourself to it, establish new friendships that will help strengthen your resolve and get on with your life. Realize that you are not in love with the screaming, thoughtless, and out of control wreck that is now your partner, and that you are in love with the memory of that person. It is right to cherish the memory, but wrong to persist in trying to live on in it instead of addressing the reality of the situation. If you are a glutton for punishment & can live a lifetime of pain, and watch idly as your children cope with even greater pain, then by all means, stay in the marriage. It will not get "better," and even with treatment (if you can keep your partner on any sort of program) will devolve into the destruction of eveything and everyone you hold dear. You must accept the fact that your bipolar partner's ulitmate goal is self destruction and the destruction of anyone who is unfortunate enough to be caught in the vortex - and make a choice. My children have adjusted to being in a sane & secure household again & are thriving. I have met another woman & learned how to love again, enjoy peace, and reclaimed my life. I did not forget my oath and continue to take care of my ex-wife financially - from a distance. The hope you must hold onto is that you have enough strength to save your children, and yourself, & that God will do the rest & provide the strength & love to at least manage & maybe even save your bipolar partner from themselves. God luck. God bless.

I just posted but had a few things to add.

Most everyone on the forum is caught in the vortex of BP either as a spouse of BP themselves. Being 5 years removed & having some level of objectivity now, I thought it might be helpful to briefly review the various patterns of a BP relationship. Maybe you will see yourself somewhere below - Non-BP or BP:

- Courtship & Marriage during a BP manic phase. BP's can be charismatic & simply awesome during a hypomanic or manic phase and a Non-BP will often find themselves compelled and transfixed on the BP who is so full of life, and focused on them. It has all the anticipation of being in a roller coaster car climbing the biggest, wildest, and most dangerous roller coaster you will ever get on.
- BP mood swing symptoms manifest - uncontrollable anger, rage, impulsiveness, depression, suicide attempts, financial difficulty, abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.
- Non-BP eventually insists on BP going for diagnosis or treatment after realizing something is very wrong.
- BP refuses to go for diagnosis, or attempts self-medication with either herbal supplements, sleep modification, pharmaceuticals, or whatever, but eventually insists they are "fine" or "getting better" during moderate phase of BP cycle.
- Non-BP remains in relationship for reasons of love, codependence, religion, family & peer support, etc.
- BP symptoms manifest again, and Non-BP beatings re-commence.
- The BP will always accuse the Non-BP of being ill themselves, an abuser, worthless, cause of all problems, etc. BP's rarely take responsibility or accountability for their own actions - it is always the Non-BP's "fault" or the (untreated) illness' fault. A Non-BP should never expect a sincere apology from a BP. A BP will eventually regress & repeat the same apology dozens of times, making them meaningless over time (assuming an apology is ever even offered).
- BP "crazy making" behavior severely affects Non-BP and both essentially become "crazy" and enter phase of co-dependence. It often takes many sessions for a therapist to sort through who is BP & who is Non-BP in long term BP relationships.
- If BP remains non-diagnosed (convenient for the BP) they will systematically make the Non-BP appear crazy to frends, family, co-workers and commence disassembling the Non-BP's life both to serve the BP's need for drama, and so the BP has someone to share their delicious misery with.
- If Non-BP is lucky enough to convince BP to seek treatment, go on medication, and accept therapy, the Non-BP's life eventually devolves into a 24x7 caretaker relationship.
- The medicating BP will eventually stop taking meds, or new "symptoms" will appear to include all sorts of ailments and side-effects of meds that requires unending attention by the Non-BP. The Non-BP eventually forfeits their friends & family & careers.
- Self medicating BP's will go through their regular cycles unabated with any semblence of sanity being purely coincidental to whatever "treatment" they have self prescribed. I read multiple posts on this forum from BP's who are self medicating & doing "better," when in fact, they are simply going through one of the normal BP phases of self delusion. BP's cannot self medicate.
- The BP's natural state of self-absorption and craving for drama or action whether in a depressed or manic state, and whether medicated or not, will continue for a lifetime & drag everyone along for the ride.
- Multiple reconciliations after infidelities, or "I don't love you - I do love you," "I have to be free," "I need to find myself," and various acts of self-destruction will ensue as long as the Non-BP will tolerate them - maybe for a year, and maybe a lifetime. Many BP's will be involved in affairs or indiscriminate sexual liaisons that can result in sexually transmitted disease. Non-BP's should protect themselves.
- Children are most often involved and the result of moderate phase or manic phase romantic liaisons - with or without the spouse. Most BP relationships I have seen or read about include 2 or more children, and are often quite prolific with 4 or more children involved.
- The BP does not have the capacity to love & nurture the children much of the time, and has no problem using them as tools to manipulate the Non-BP. Non-BP's should take every possible action to remove children from the influence of a BP, and never leave them unattended for any length of time with a BP. Children are unequipped to deal with BP's. This isn't a condemnation of BP's but an unfortunate fact of the condition. BP's behavior is often hugely destructive and children are highly susceptible. A Non-BP has a responsibility to fight for their children.
- Divorce is inevitable in 90-95% of marriages with BP's depending on what statistics you choose to believe. Non-BP's will receive well intentioned advice from outsiders to "hold on," "delay," "stick with it," and chastisement from the misguided that divorce is "an abomination to God," when, in fact, a Non-BP has absolutely no control over the situation. Whether the BP initiates divorce, or the Non-BP does, it's eventually going to occur. In the handful of marriages I have personally witnessed where a Non-BP is married to a BP, the only ones that remained intact were where the Non-BP was so codependent on the BP that you couldn't discern who was ill, and who was not.
- As a precursor to the next statement, I believe God is with us, that prayers are answered, and also believe in miracles. With that said, one of the more common phases with BP's is various "spiritual" phases and while this is a good thing, it is sadly too often short-lived and can be severely destructive to a spiritual Non-BP who may feel abandoned or disillusioned when things go sour again. God remains with us, and will always be with both the BP & Non-BP, but the same self-destructive behavior and inability to truly love anyone that defines a BP during mood swings will eventually manifest and shake the faith of even the most fervent of believers. For the Non-BP's I suggest forming your own bond and faith independent of the BP and acknowledging that God loves us all even though he may abhor our actions at times.
- Divorce between Non-BP's and BP's is always painful, messy, and ugly. Non-BP's should prepare & protect themselves from the most atrocious of accusations & the fight of their lives. BP's crave drama & action to feel alive, and the pain of divorce is like crack cocaine to them. They revel in it, and the formerly sweet BP man or BP woman that was your spouse will go for your jugular & do as much possible to cause the Non-BP pain including using children as battering rams & pawns to prolong the pain & serve their addiction to drama. A Non-BP must resolve themselves to be decisive & even cruel to the non-BP to quickly extract the children from the situation. Sorry I can't tell you there is an easy way to go about this, or that cooler minds will prevail. The courts are over-burdened, and BP's can be scarily convincing if the Non-BP has not gathered their facts in preparation.

I may have left a few things out but included enough for both the BP's and Non-BP's reading here to either have a glimpse of their future, or nod their heads in agreement to those things that have passed.

I truly feel bad for BP's. It was both a blessing & a curse to be married to a BP. Maybe it was selfish of me to extract myself & our children from the mess. If I could have forced my ex-wife to medicate & into therapy then I might have tried longer, but in a society that cherishes self determination and personal freedom, she made her choices, and I made mine.

G:

I just read your post and wanted to say "thank you". You are dead on with your summary. I only wish I could have read it a long time ago.
My 5 year relationship w/ a BP ended earlier this year. Having been out of the chaos and drama for a while has cleared my thinking, and I could relate to everything you wrote. Your summary should be placed on the "Friends & Loved Ones" forum of this website. There are many spouses and significant others who read and post there needing help. If they saw what you've written here, I'm sure they could see their lives in it. You're so deliberate and factual, something that is so appreciated by non-BP's on this forum - especially when their world seems to be falling apart.

Thanks again for such a fantastic post.

Karen - I appreciate the kind words. Took your advice and posted to the Friends & Loved Ones Forum. Not sure if I can stay on the board for long. Took a long time to get away from the madness & get my head straight. I never was much of a scab picker - better to leave things be. Good luck to you and yours. G

G

I got to this forum for the same reason as you and very recently. If you read my other posts you will find I have had similar experiences and give simmialr advice to non-bp's in a realtionship with a bp. Before you sign off to avoid scab-picking, I 'd like to point out a couple things I have learned form my brief time on this forum.
-it made me feel a lot better to write it all down and believe it might be helpful for others
-when you think you have said everything, someone else's post will trigger some more to say
-you have a lot to offer many people on this site
-since i have posted portions of my story on this site and found that i am not alone, i am much more at peace with the whole experience
-you have a writing style that is matter of fact and to the point; this stype can help othe non-bps (and bps probably) for whom things are not so clear currently. Clear statements that do not get lost in the fog of bp bizarre experiences are helpful to many.
-you posted a lot today. give it a couple days and read the responses. maybe post some more now and then. you will be amazed how good that feels.

Take care

I agree with jsmith. When I first found this forum, I would just read and found comfort in knowing that what I was experiencing was actually common when in a relationship with a BP. I then got up the courage to post comments and questions. During the most difficult of times this year, the people on this forum(under Friends & Loved Ones especially) saved my sanity during the craziest times. It was comforting to know that they understood, they'd been there before, and could offer advice from experience. I also found it theraputic to write, and then read what I wrote. I'm now at a much better point in my life, and I'm stronger than I've been in years. I regained my old self due in large part to this forum. I now try to offer my advice and opinion rather than always asking for others. If I can, I want to help others that are feeling the way I did nearly a year ago.

You have great insight, experience and advice that is so valuable. I wouldn't call it "scab picking", but using your experience to guide and assist others.

G,
I read your post and printed it, put it on my frig to read when I feel guilt for the decisions I have made for my own sanity. My bp boyfriend is feeling bad now for the actions and choices he had made without regard to my life. I finally see things with a little more clarity. I can still have contact but I have set my own boundries in my comfort zones. It is still hard not to think that he will be ok since he began meds 2 months ago. He is trying to be a better person, how long this "good" guy will stick around is unknown. I do know that I have to protect myself now. We are going to dinner for my birthday tonight. This is the 1st time in 4 years that he has ever made an attempt to put me ahead of himself. I question whether it is out of fear of being alone or he actually does want to get better. I try to talk about the issues over the years and he becomes uneasy, closing himself off from the subject. I have heard all the promises of change and a better life before. (without meds). I have shut my heart off from him, I try to look at the situation as the disease that has caused so much pain and not a personal attack against me but it is hard. Do they ever get better? Do they ever feel guilt or pain for the lives they destroy? I am at a crossroads in my life and the choices are hard. Basically, do I love someone uncondionally or find love that is healthy and nurturing? I guess I will ride out this storm and see where it will take me. Hopefully I can get some clarity from people who also live this way. Your post was great, Thanks for opening my eyes to the life I can look forward to with this man.

Chloe

Dear Chloe,

I am glad to have been of some help. BP's can absolutely have remorse and are completely aware of their actions and consequences at various times. And therein lies the rub. They can love and express emotion with such intensity that it is as addictive to a Non-BP as drama is to the BP. Who wouldn't want to be the focus of someones great love and affection? It's the subject of hundreds of movies, books and a central theme of our culture. Finding our "one" and our "true love" is an emotional and biological driver that we cannot resist. But at what price? Do you give up your own life? Do you give up your sanity? I say no. If the cost of all consuming love is to later be consumed by it and lose yourself, then the cost is too high, not divine, and certainly not logical.

If you have helped your BP to seek medication, then I applaud you as one of the few to be so fortunate. On the other hand, you need to remember that you are bucking some pretty big odds, and I would urge you to weigh them carefully.

More than any other commodity, the greatest treasure a woman has is time. More so than men, the blush of youth and beauty of a woman is fleeting. There is no flattering equivalent for a "rugged" looking man of age and experience. All women are beautiful no matter what their age, but they are the sum of all their experiences, and the most important component of that beauty is how they see themselves. I have seen 50 year old women who are as radiant and gorgeous as when they were 20, but I have also seen 30-somethings who are beaten down, angry and frumpy despite still being physically attractive.

Who will you choose to be? Will the potential partner you choose today, and the lives you will lead in the immediate future bring you both to be vital, radiant, and fulfilled adults in later life regardless of whether you stay together? Will you be better for having met them?

Perhaps if more Non-BP's were able to immediately recognize a BP's traits and self destructive actions, hold them accountable, and extract themselves quickly from bad situations then more BP's would seek help and get treatment when they realize what they have lost in moments of lucidity.

I suppose this is a long winded way of advising you to take your leave immediately if your beloved BP relapses again, and make it permanent. I hope your BP is not one of the 95 of 100 who will test your love and hurt you again, but if not, then resolve yourself to the fact that the only choice you can sanely make is to save yourself and leave your BP to make their own choices.

Please continue to guard your heart while you sort through your feelings and give it another go with your boyfriend. I am hopeful for you.

Good luck. God bless.

G

I have had diagnoses of dysthymia, depression, and "possible" bipolar. I think I may be bipolar, mostly depressed with periods of extreme agitation. No super-highs like the Bipolar I. No drinking, drugs. Used to spend more than I should have, decided several years ago not to do that anymore. After my last relationship, I've finally realized the best thing for a man to do with a depressed, bipolar, or any other kind of mentally ill female is this: LEAVE. Never look back. Use the woman for whatever you need or want, take her money, have her take care of you for as long as you may need it, but always keep your eye on the prize of a real relationship with a beautiful, YOUNG perfect, hard-bodied woman, and dump the nut job as soon as you find the right one.

If you are a mentally ill woman, you MUST have the integrity and love and decency to immediately encourage any man who tries to get close to you to LEAVE. And you must always avoid ALL relationships, friendships, etc. If you have a mental problem, NOBODY loves you, NOBODY ever will - you are damaged goods, and truly it is not worth anyone's time to waste their energy on you. Take your little meds, or whatever, but know that love and romance and a happy family life is ONLY for normal women, not for immature losers who want to cry all the time and act like psychos. Mentally ill women who isolate themselves and never ask for help, never whine again to anyone about their stupid fake problems, will finally be able to feel good about something in their lives - that they are not asking a man to support them when they clearly don't deserve it.

I have chosen to live my life this way, and it's the one thing I have to look back on with pride. Every relationship I have ever had has ended. From the beginning of every relationship, I do the most loving thing a woman can do - I constantly tell the man that he deserves the best, that I am ugly fat old stupid. I point out other women for him, ane encourage him to meet other women that are deserving of his attention. Consequently, every man I have ever loved has gone on to be happy and successful, something which never would have happened if he kept me in the picture. Did this make me happy? No. It broke my heart from the beginning of the relationship to the end to have to always remind someone I cared for that I was nothing...but at least I have something to be proud of, that I never asked for anything, never borrowed money, never asked for help, never expected or allowed him to be there for me, and cut him off the minute he started talking about having a future with me.

Ladies, please do the men of this world a favor: If you have a mental problem, keep it to yourself, and never mention it to anyone, don't ever bother anyone with your petty problems. Yes, you'll be all alone, and you'll never have anything, but who said life was fair? Deal with it, and let the man you love enjoy life instead of you ruining it for him.

Men, if you encounter a mentally ill woman and she doesn't constantly tell you how great you are and what piece of crap she is, and if she doesn't constantly tell you to find someone better, you need to get out IMMEDIATELY.

Best of luck to all you men - use and then dump a depressed woman, it's the only way.

One last note for depressed/bipolar women:

Please, be considerate. Truly love those you say you love, and don't bother them with your "problems" in any way, at any time. If you have a mental problem, keep it to yourself, find your own solution on your own. Never, never, never bother anyone with your issues - the rest of the world is a big place, and everyone else either has much worse stuff to deal with, or unlike you, they are normal adults who are taking care of themselves and making important things happen.

Do not think that you have the right to bother anyone - especially a man - with your petty, insignificant problems. You do not.

Thanks - listen to my advice, it has done me a lot of good. I am alone all the time, always will be, and it feels great to know that nobody will ever be bothered by me!

I would also like to make it clear that if you are a mentally ill woman (like me), it is perfectly acceptable to support a man you love.

In my case, when I used to be with men, they were generally alcoholics, felons, etc. without jobs. I bought everything, paid for their clothing and food, gave them money, etc. When you do this, it's important to handle it as I did - NEVER bring it up. Just do it without saying anything, and continue to constantly mention to your loved one that he deserves the best, that you are not worth his time, etc.

Never call the man you love - only return his calls. Never ask him for anything. Never make plans of any kind - always encourage him to go out with his friends and date others. If he has a job, never allow him to spend any money on you. Whenever anyone I loved tried to give me a gift, I always handed it back to him, along with money to repay him for his trouble (I would never be so crass as to ask how much the item cost, but would always try to pay him the full value of the gift). If a man ever bought me lunch or dinner, I would be courteous enough to wait until we had left the establishment (so as not to hurt his ego), and then give him back the TWICE the full amount of our combined meal. Then, I would tell him that I owed him cash and several meals, and would usually give him gift certificates/cards and encourage him to use them with friends or on dates with other women.

These men loved it, and were always thankful to me for not letting them waste their money on me. Consequently, the men I've had relationships with have usually been really decent about ending things, because they were never put in the position of spending valuable time and money on me. A great feeling, knowing that I gave everything, took nothing, and they've gone on to be happy.

Dear RHB,

Touche'. Your posts above clearly demonstrate strong intellect, a sharp wit, expertise in the application of sarcasm, and both effectively counter and support my assertions at the same time.

I honestly can't tell where the truth ends or begins in your posts, but since you are a self admitted BP, I will take my own advice and not hazard a discussion or debate when I am clearly out of my league, and take my leave.

Spirited nd respectful interaction among people with differing points of view is most always positive. I look forward to your posts in the future.

Welcome to the Board.

Best regards,
G

Hello Bipolar spouse,

Oh my God, I could not believe what I was reading when I saw your posts! Do you really feel that badly about yourself that you could say such negative things about yourself and other women with bipolar? You are NOT a worthless piece of trash to be used and abused by any man. "Normal" men do not have a right to do whatever they want to do and then leave you high and dry. How can you encourage other women with mental illnesses to allow their husbands to go out with other women while you are married to them? Do you honestly and truly believe that you are such a worthless, rotten human being?

I know it is difficult for a woman with a mental illness to maintain a relationship with a man, but it can be done. Women with mental illnesses deserve to have a shot at a "normal" married life, just like non-bipolar women do.

You have obviously been burned very badly to give such advice to all women with mental illnesses. You seem to be very bitter, and I can only hope that you get counseling for yourself, so that you can see you are a valuable person - one who happens to have a mental illness. A mental illness is not a sentence to allow others to treat you badly.

It is fine for you to live a life of solitude in which no one has to bother with you. That is your choice. But for you to put it out there for anyone who happens to read this post, well, I think it would be best if you kept your opinions to yourself. You are obviously hurting very badly, but that doesn't give you an excuse to tell everyone else they should live like you have chosen to live.

I prefer to maintain a sense of hope that the future will bring me to a relationship in which I can love and be loved, mental illness notwithstanding.

For those who are reading this - it IS possible for a woman with a mental illness to have a satisfying relationship with a man, one in which he remains faithful, supports both of you, and stands by your side. I have never heard of it being okay to allow your husband to date other women while you are married. If any woman can do that, she is a better woman than I am. I demand that my husband be faithful to me or I will not stay in the marriage. It's as simple as that. Your mental illness does not give a man an excuse to take advantage of you and abuse you. You deserve much better than that.

May god give you strength.

Kay