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Married nearly 11 years. 2 small children. Wife just diagnosed with bipolar 2, obsessive/compulsive/isorder, and is in AA. Had manic episode about two months ago and had seemed to stabilize. Only diagnosed with bipolar about 4 months ago.
She now just said she wants a divorce.
I earn a good living, she has not had to work for 9 years, and I also have a full-time nanny come to the house. For the last six months, she will take off on many weekends - doesn't seem to be an affair but never know - she finds being home to be stressful.
Not sure what to do. My gut feeling is to try to slow things down. Although I work at a pretty demanding job, I basically am the full-time care-giver for the kids when I'm home.
Just venting and wondering if anyone has been in this situation before.
I being married to a bp wife- take the papers my friend. If your children have not a real mother to nuture and help them grow, find them one who will. You and the kids need an stable environment to live healthy lives, not a nanny to cover up for a mom who cant handle the ride.
My soon to be X wife has not called or otherwise contacted my children, the same ones she said she felt as if they had come out of her body as hers since this happened. Her absolute last contact was on 02 Feb 2007. My daughters birthday is in a few days, and not even a card.
She is incapable of real love, (My STBX) all she cares about is herself.
If she wants a divorce, and you can get custody of the kids, take it, and rebuild your life. It can be done, trust me, I am in a far better position mentally right now than before. And my state will only get better. Living with someone who is BP bends you towards their mindset, thats what my therapist told me. You think the relationship is healthy when it is not, or that you should put up with certain things when you should not. This is where you are now. Try to take an objective look at it, and then do the right thing
And it probably would not hurt to see a therapist yourself to help you sort out all tha is going on. I did!
By the way, you story sounds exactly like mine, no responsibilities in the house, I did them, leaving because she was too stressed out yep mine did that too,
follow your gut my friend,
My wife was cheating on me during her getaways for "Stress" They are just excuses, And do you know what this was told to me by two of my bipolar friends. They said they use the same excuses when they pull their crap
Thanks. Good to hear others have gone through something similar. Where I don't want to go with this is to have some custody battle - a therapist I spoke with said that she probably couldn't even make it through a divorce proceeding right now. She would also be easily influenced by others who would try to fuel the fire - lawyers, etc. At this point, I would like to slow things down a little, and then maybe she would think about walking away.
My husband is BP and he also wanted a divorce in Febuary. He just out of the blue could not understand how we had managed to stay married for 9 years since we were all wrong for each other and he no longer loved me. He put me through hell for three months saying horrible things and going out and staying out all hours of the night. In April i had had enough, if he wanted to be free of me so bad he could be free right then and there and I threw him out. within one week of no contact from me and maybe the latest medication finally stating to help he was on his hands and knees begging for another chance. I did give him that chance and things have been wonderful. The meds seem to have stabilized him and he is seeing a psychologist regularly. I am very afraid of an episode like we went through this winter resurfacing. It was horrible. I lost 40 lbs just from stress. We do not have any children so it is not as extreme as the rest of you. You are right though to want to slow things down because I know alot of people who have gone down this road and have let it get to the divorce and once it is all said and done they regret it and wish to go back, but it is too late. With my husband it was almost too late- I had a restaining order and everything on him. I hope that forgiving him and taking him back into my home was the right thing to do- I just knew without me he has noone to stand by him and help him to get better. Good luck to you all
I hope things work out for you, and that he stays on his meds and you can have a stable happy life.
Just the night before, as I was unpacking our new home, just me and the three children, my son found a card from my soon to be X. In the card she said she would always love him, never leave him, and would always be his mom, and that he never had to worry about anything, because our family was forever.
(My first wife has no contact with our children and I have full custody, he had just gone through a time period when he was feeling the rejection from my first wife horribly, and my STBX was trying to console him)
My son broke down, crying in great sobs, asking me how could she do this to our family, he missed his other brothers and sister, and that she had lied to him, she never really loved him, and that he hated her.
I now have a son that feels that every woman in his life that says she loves him and will be there for him will always desert him.
That is the legacy that my soon to be bi-polar spouse has helped build for my son. All three of my children have serious trust issues right now. They do know one fact loud and clear
I will never leave them, and no matter what happens in this world, I will always be there for them.
My STBX has had no contact with the kids since Feb. 02 2007. On that day I went to her town and when my son walked towards her for a hug, she turned around and walked away, without the hug or even saying a word.
Yes I may be venting right now, you hurt me, I can deal with it and move on, you hurt my children, especially in the heart, and I have NOTHING for you.
I honestly hope things work out for you, I really do. Just don't walk around with blinders on.
i cant say anything about mr hurt and confused as he is going through a divorce. or rather has gone through one so is hurting like his name says, he obviously hates bipolar. and is attacking that aswell. i have not been through a divorce, have not been married either, but i would probably be the same had i divorced someone because of the disorder, so i can see where he is coming from, and wish him and his ex well for the future, but i want to thank marie also as, my partner (so far its just an internet thing we have not met as yet) is bipolar and is a rapid cycler?? also and its very very hard, i get accused of alsorts, not caring not being there for him not really loving him etc, so i thought i would visit a forum and see how others cope as we are getting very serious and i wanted an outside view, some outside advice and this was 'unfortunately' my first forum about bipolar, i was quite scared of what i read but thankfully marie has helped on that score, i know bipolar is awful and so confusing but i also know my man when he is not cycling is wonderful, so gentle and caring, i can tell him anything and everything and i dont want this disorder to ruin us. so marie you have given me some hope, and i will read other forums.
My BD wife of 8 years is currently back in what I call the "I want a divorce" phase. Once or twice a year 8 years of marriage and two years together before we married. I call it the roller coaster. We also walk on eggshells at out house, daily.
My experience. If she'll ask her doc to up her Lamictal dose, she'll instantly love me as "the best husband ever". For awhile. If she won't up her meds its a long, hard ride, but eventually she loves me again. For awhile.
Option 1 - We have a 9 year daughter together. She is a great kid, I love her so much. She needs one stable parent at home. If I left, BD wife's target of wrath would be our daughter. So I ride out the storms for her sake.
It hurts like hell. I know the feelings. Obsessions too. I've been thru all of it. Like the books say, work on yourself, exercise, play with the kids, be a good parent, do your best to see BD as an illness and not as your spouse.
Or, you can choose option 2, run like hell, file the divorce yourself.
I just found this site and I am amazed on how our stories are alike. My wife of 12 yrs has been BP for nearly 9 yrs (since after the birth of our only daughter). After years of ups/downs, partying without considering my feelings, alcohol abuse, drug abuse; she finally told me last week that she was having an affair with some guy who she shared many things in common (because she normally says that we do not). She met him at narcotics anonymous... That day I stayed home sick she said that she was meeting a possible sponsor for NA. When she returned acting a bit strange, the discussion led to me finding out where she was really with. Now she wants a divorce. I felt like I was kicked in the guts. But the fact is that the decision has had a bit of a liberating effect on me.
The last few years have been tough. I work as a scientist and have been dealing with the many repeated hospital stays for my wife. Some for psych reasons, others for 'pains' that normally required strong pain meds. In the interim, our daughter has grown up knowing that mom was 'depressed' and that I would normally take care of matters. I agree with a previous poster in this forum, depression episodes are easier to work with. Hypomanic states and the sense of invisibility that they bring are horrible for the family. I hate it when she would go out and not respect my wishes. Not that I would ever prevent her from going out, but in so many occasions she would be so blatant about it that it was humiliating. At the end of a party we once attended, a group wanted to go out for some additional drinks. She accepted the invite while telling the group not to bother inviting me because I was boring and not her type. When I told her how that felt, she just casually apologized as if she did not really understand why I was hurt.
As part of her condition, she has never been able to maintain friendships. I on the other hand have become accustomed to work, my daughter and the good friendships that sustain us. I wonder how it is that one becomes used to being treated so poorly by a spouse with BP? I do not have a history of mental disease, i also advanced scientific degrees. I guess that does not buy you common sense. The path ahead is scary. She wants to go to mediation for our divorce, but with expectations that she gets custody of our daughter, the house, $ and everything I have. The silly thing is that with the legal system, no one can predict how things will turn out.
Can someone comment on their custody experiences? Due to my wife's condition, she only now works part time in order to get clean. I fear that the courts would allow her to have our daughter, who she once called "the worst mistake of her life".
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate finding this site. It has really let me know that I am not alone in this day to day battle. So let me start by saying Thank you.
My story is just like the rest of you, except my wife has not admitted to having an affair. I believe she did, she almost admitted it, but then said that she hasn't. She has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar type II with O.C.D. I have been with her for over 15 years (married for 13 of it. I am tired, worn out, weary, fed up and angry with everything that I have been put through by her.
She lies - I cover it up She is hateful - I take it from her She is abusive - I allow it (to me...not the kids) She is belittling - I smile and say "Sorry" She is manipulative - I turn a blind eye She is hypomanic - I get weary from her "greater than thou attitude" She is foul - I leave the room She spends thousands - I go without (as do the kids)
I can tell you that I exsist on a day to day basis. I truly feel like I have lost all hope. She is mean to our children (ages 6 and 7) to the point where they find no security in her, yet they continue to seek her approval.
I would love to get a divorce, but I am terrified that she would get the kids and they would be doomed to a life of abuse and guilt. I could not put them through that. But each and every day I engage my wife in her Bi-Polar world, another part of me dies that I can never get back. And other people don't understand this.
So far I am keeping records of the abuse, and have taken her off all of the bank accounts in order to be able to pay the bills and keep food on the table and decent clothes on the children (and I make good money too! She would spend it all if I allowed it!)
Sounds like alot of you go through this as well. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. Sorry for the sob story, but it is so nice to know someone may actually understand and acknowledge that I am not losing my mind!
Welcome to the site! You are not alone and we are all here to help and support each other. I have been posting on this site since april and it has been the biggest help in that I am able to move on. You talk very clearly about enabling our spouses in their illness and bad behaviour. I too did this for 5 years and now I'm not as my husband and I are living apart. My husband is Bipolar 1, he was diagnosed in march of this year and I have been through hell and back. Luckily we have no children which is a Godsend as I read posts by people like you and my heart really goes out to those kids that have lost their mums or dads to this terrible illness.
Please understand that I care but hang in there as you seem to be doing brilliantly. If you just want to chat then please post again, always willing to listen. Take care.
The divorce was finalized today. I wished her happiness, and that she finds whatever it is she is looking for. I told her I will always care what happens to her, and a part of me will always love her.
I asked if my kids and myself could start calling and writing her kids, she said no with no reason given.
I told her again I hope she finds what she is looking for in life, and to take care of herself, and if the kids need me to call
Hello, one and all. After reading all of these posts, I see a lot of bitterness, anger, hatred, disillusionment and basic animosity between spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends. It hurts to see it. I am no saint, never claim to be. My marriage right now is falling apart, my wife has left and turned her children agaist me, though she is cordial when we speak, it is like a void emotionally. Does she have problems, yes, I might say that she does, she is really upset and depressed right now and is running away from life. That I happen to be her fourth marriage, probably has something to do with it. Am I innocent in all things. No, never. I was diagnosed with manic depression about five years ago from one doctor and since then, I thought I could control it. How wrong I was. Did I go through the symptoms of BP, well, yes I did, did I fix them, no. I was too arrogant to do so, and extremely afraid to admit that I had a problem that was serious. Well, that killed my marriage. Am I getting better, yes, I am taking steps to recognize and fix my problem. First, admitting I have one and then taking something for it. Right now, I am taking St. John's Wart, it is helping tremendously, feel free for the firt time in years. But more importantly, I went to the Bible and actually read what it said instead of scoffing at it. My feelings of guilt and depression are disappearing fast and I feel real, natural, whole, complete. My mind is clear, no longer racing, I do not feel weighted down, no longer feel guilty about everything, I forget about all of the things that have happened in the past so they do not burden me, are they gone, no, but they do not control me as they used to. Forgiveness is the greatest cure for depression and being able to forgive is precious as well. I have hope that my wife and I shall reconcile our differences and that she too can get the same help that I received. She cannot let go of her past, but maybe in the future she will learn to. Will the same remedy(the St. John's Wart) work for everyone, I do not know, but I am confident that the Bible will help, will give insight, and boost morale. It's easy to say to someone, go to God, but when someone says that, it's like saying, go away, I don't care about you. Yet there is truth in going to God as well. I hope this experience of mine has been able to perhaps help at least one person. Thank you.
I am replying to the man of god. Please do not self medicate!!!! See a doctor. My husband is on 900 mg of lithium, 25mg of paxil and 2mg of xanax. He's gets regular blood tests, sees the family doctor once a month and has been seeing the psychiatrist once to twice a month. I guess that seems like alot but he is still trying to recover from his major episode this winter. I am sure that god can help, but I really do not feel that over the counter remedies are the way to go. Right now they might seem to help, you are alone, without the outside stress of others to bring on the symptoms. Please see a doctor. There are many many meds out there to try before lithium, if the thought of lithium scares you. My husband was on zyprexa, and geodon first. The geodon was working but the side effects were not. He would get horrible aches is his body 30 to 45 min after takling the meds, so he would feel better with his thoughts but he would then be in physical pain. The lithium has done him wonders. He can sit and talk to my family again and laugh and enjoy himself without this inside thoughts of paranoia that they all hate him and are being nice to trick him, ect..... The zanax is a new drug that he is on, his psychiatrist suggested he take after he told him about his pot smoking to slow down his rapid thoughts. It has helped a bit, he will still smoke weed at night and his doctor actually told him that is ok, just to stay away from the alcohol. It is a long hard road to recovery and then a hard road to staying recovered. I pray that he will stay on his meds and keep seeing his doctors, and as long as he will take my help he has it. We talk alot about how he feels and I am very much a part of his recovery, he tells me when his is sad and knows for no real good reason, he tells me how some days his head is thinking so fast he has trouble focusing on one thought. It breaks my heart, there is nothing more I can do but love him and hold his hand.
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