Bipolar Depression

I'm putting my life back together now. I have decided to go to Law School and become a Lawyer. I am going to make the most of things. I had dropped that when this first happened, but I am not going to let this destroy my life any more!

It has been hard at times, the lies, betrayal, and all the things she said to me really hurt. The fact that she continues to maintain the same behaviors right now that she has for the past 7 months is baffling me. I keep waiting for the crash, but it's not happened. One of her children called me in secret the other day, she has forbidden them to even talk about me in the home, but he said they talk about me all the time when she is not around, especially about how much they love and miss me, and that I will always be their dad. Several of the children wish they loved with me, 3 out of the 5, with one wishing she was living with her birth father instead of her mother.

He told me that her new "boyfriend" is mean to them when she is not looking, and that she continues to be away for long periods of time.

My daughter that I have custody of was talking with her school councilor and told her of everything that was going on, so I would not be surprised if social services shows up on her doorstep soon.

I am actually doing quite well. I have had zero contact with her in 7 weeks, and to the best of my knowledge she never even bothered to file the counterclaim and response to the divorce. I'm giving her everything, but it's still a bad idea to not file paperwork the court sends you in a case.

I'm just baffled how she continues to unravel her life, between her performance at work, her disregard for her children and the relationship she threw the marriage away over, I keep wondering how long it will take her to crash and hopefully seek help.

BTW one good thing to come out of this was one of her family members saw the signs and actually listened to me when I told them what was going on and they realized they were doing the same things in their life, went to a PDOC and were diagnosed as Bipolar, and now are getting good help and meds and their lives are coming around.

So some good has come of this.....

It sounds that she has a bad case of Bipolar 1. I can't even begin to imagine. My situation has been challenging enough. Thankfully the other family member has received help! I, along with other family memebers, talked my younger brother into going to the doctor, and he takes meds now too. His marriage was headed for the rocks too! He would get "somewhat" violent. The ironic part is that he is the sweetest person. It is amazing what a chemical imbalance can do.

I am glad you are getting on track! I wish you all the best. HOpefully she will get help before it is too late! Best wishes.

I would just like to note, that if you are a bipolar spouse you can be particularily at risk of abuse and harm from your not-bipolar spouse. Everything was blamed on my bi-polar until the police had to tell me that they've dealt with bi-polar people many times... and I was clearly being abused and in danger. I went through hell in addition to be bi-polar and the children and I are lucky to be alive. I've done stupid things because of bi-polar, and sometimes - yes went out when I should have spent time with my children - but 95% of the time it was me reading to them to sleep. A depressed me reading to them all day on the couch, feeding them yogurt and frozen fruit. But ... you know... there isn't much help out there for bipolar people with children who have too much depression to work. First I stayed because, well I loved him and all he was was neglictful ---- then abuse creeped up --- I increasingly took anti-psychotics because I thought I was really going nuts -- and then he did worse things to me because more and more anti-psychotics don't lead to clear thinking when you aren't psychotic. I can say the children and I lucky are to get out alive. I can say that - o I was strong - I left an abusive man and now my children are doing well(and they ARE.) But I am not well. It takes everything to just be a good mother, and I hate life and I hate being depressed all the time, and I hate what happened to me, and I hate that when I get hypomanic now - it just means I am an energised, scared unhappy person. I poorly misjudged a man, my life and what was happening around me for years because I was bipolar and I would gladly die today rather than live with those memories. Except I'll do anything for my children including live.

I can understand the concerns about a bi-polar spouse being the target of abuse, it would easy for a slime ball to abuse someone with the justification that "They deserved it.."

I can assure you that is not me.

In fact I would argue that the slime ball that abuses someone with bi-polar is a totally worthless human being. As I have said before, I hate the disease, not the woman I was married to. The thing that upsets me about her, is she knew it was coming on (again) and instead of seeking help, she chose to go down a path that she knew would end our marriage. ten lives were affected by her decision, mine, hers and our eight children. I have spoken to her son, he called me in secret, He hates his life that his mother has created for him. The boyfriend she was cheating with behind my back is mean to them whenever she is not around, and she has forbidden the children to talk about me in the home, because her boyfriend is tired of hearing about how great a Dad I was to them. Her son told me they sit around upstairs talking about me and my three children all the time, and how they all wish I was with them and had them and not their mother.

She has even destroyed the stuff I left behind that I was supposed to pick up after the divorce. I left behind 3000 book (yes three thousand) from my library, and from what I have been told, they were all destroyed, pages ripped apart, covers torn off.

This disease left untreated, caused her to have numerous affairs, spend huge amounts of money, and run our accounts into the ground.

In the divorce, I gave her everything. All the stuff I took fits into a 10X 12 shed, filled with a grill, my toolbox, a few dozen model kits and my children's toys. Thats it. I gave her everything else, the furniture, household items, the better car, everything!

I am starting over, I don't even have beds for my three children to sleep on, no couch, no dressers, NOTHING.

There was no hatred for her, just a hate for allowing this disease to go untreated and allow it to destroy our lives.

The important thing is I am here for her kids, I am protecting my children (we live in a college dorm suite while I finish my degree) and am moving on with my life. I am happy now, and am just waiting for the divorce to become final.

I have found I am stronger now that I ever have been in my life, more confident, and in a better place than ever possible.

Well,

I know it seems like you lost a lot of stuff - but I think you are doing the right thing by "starting over". Sometimes people regret it though. And giving everything to someone who is impaired and cannot take care of the stuff might not be a good idea. Maybe you should fight her for every penny?

But money is just money - take your pride and walk away. I think you should not demean yourself fighting for stuff --- but if u think you are going to be disturbed in the future with your loss, then think another time about giving her everything.

I do believe she is culable - if she knew it was coming on and did not take medicine to stop it. Probably she has more wrong than just bipolar? borderline?

But you are soooooooooooo angry. You have at least 5% responisibility. People don't act in a vacume. She was stable for a long time with you - what happened?

You ought to own this problem in order to move on instead of blaming her. And really it is her as a person you should be blaming, not her condition. It seems to me she made a choice while she was rational to head down a path of irrationality.

Why?

A chain of events lead up to the manic phase. She cycles about 4 times a year (hindsight being 20/20)

She went through a depressed phase this summer, we were having to find a place after our landlord defaulted on his mortgage payment.

In the fall I returned to college, where I was away for 3 nights a week.

She hired a new employee, he made it known from the first day that he thought she was hot and wanted to sleep with her, and so she went down the path...

To further clarify, (and I did not know this until after the separation) She did the same thing to her first husband,, having 2 children that she convinced him were his, until the divorce and the DNA test proved they were not.

When I met her in 2001 she told me she was single, I met her on a Friday, She had kicked out her fiance the previous Monday. We had been talking for three months, the whole time she had been professing her undying love for him. I honestly have no idea. In fact I just found a old love letter dated from when we had met, and before we were together, wherein she talked about how single and available she was.

I talked with her family members, she has done this throughout her life, and they told me they were honestly surprised she held it together this long, and were sorry it had to happen to me.

I take responsibilityy for not knowing about her bi-polar, I had no clue about this disease until after the fact. Once I knew, I was able to chart things out completely.

By the way, I did at one point ask her to have her hormonal levels checked, thinking something may have been out of whack there, but she never followed through.

There was a total of 5 affairs and countless one night stands during our marriage of 5 years. Again, I only had inklings, when she was confronted, she said what makes you say that, after she admitted to everything she told me she said that only to see if I had enough evidence to pin her down.

I enabled her because I was always there to pick things up, and because I was dumb enough to believe that when you love someone you stand by them regardless. When someone pulls a stunt like her final one, you have to back up and say enough.

By the way, she left the kids ALONE for 40% of the time from November -Jan of the past year. Not a responsible move on her part, and the stories the children have told me are unreal.

Yeah I take my fair share of the blame, but to not seek help when you know it's coming on again, that to me is inexcusable.

She was not sable for a long time with me, I just did not know what I was dealing with till all was said and done.

Sounds like she has done stupid, self - destructive things that are hurting her children, and that she will keep doing them.

But married for 5 years and you only thought it was hormones? I guess you probably only really saw the depression and thought the more milder highs than the one she is going through were part of her personality.

You probably liked her when she was up.

You fell in love with her when she was up.

You must have always wanted her to be a little up ---- like she was when you met.

Did you ever pressure her to switch to her more energetic state? Was there pressure on her to keep it up -- was she not allowed to crash or other things would crash in your lives? ;; like going broke?

You know, she must have tried hard to be with you if she mostly held it off for so long. The truth is will power alone can't make it most of the time - but it helps. Once she didn't get help, at a certain point - you realize - it was too late? her thinking was too skewed. She needs to be put in the hospital much more than she needs a divorce.

Call the child police on her.... and keep calling them - it is annonomous and they need to send someone to check. Get her in a hospital and if she still wants you, you should stay with her and support her.

Wasn't she supportive of you 50 % of the time?

Imagine if she is on the right medication and stable.

5 years without realizing she NEEDED to see a psychatrist is way too long for you to be screaming on this board about bi-polar illness ruining your life... you had warnings and ample time.

A friend of mine has bipolar 1 --- I always knew she did, but she didn't. She had three children. She never would have had them if she wasn't a little nuts... but she hadn't had a full full blown manic attack for like 5 years and her children aged from 10 - 4. Then she lost it and was out in California with her children at her parents. She was making no sense and excited about various things... her parents got her into a hospital and still they didn't use strong enough medication to pull her out. What is really called for is Lithium.

My friend is a wonderful person (and she was sleeping with the ickiest guys and she drank too much and the school gradually knew and omygod - I had moved away and could not help her. I was the only one who remained her friend... because hey.. I understand.) Any guy would be lucky to be with her and unlucky to be with her when she looses it. And I have observed that she has had sucky doctors who don't treat it aggresively. The care varies so much!!!!

Anyways as soon as she got just a little better she was helpful with her children and the more she hit reality the mom she became the fantastic mom again that every child wanted to hang out at her house... though that is over forever until she moves.

Your wife doesn't necesarily want to be doing what she is doing,,,, but I bet she was looking for someone new to take care of her. It's kindof instinctual with me -- find a man or a woman to take care of me because I know I can't take care of myself and use sex. When things didn't work out for me in one relationship, I wouldn't leave it until I had found another. Though I was pretty smart and kept finding better partners. I was never lured away, there was always a feeling of this isn't going to work in the relationship and then I would look. Fortunately, I am always attracted to intelligence and people who can do math rather than other traits.. ... somehow I think this is protective - lol. I don't get into as much insanity.

I don't think I will go through it again because I am on medication.

But once when something stressful happened to me, I went high as a kite - and I was full on medication... not strong enough.... but I was listening to doctor and everything and still did somewhat unsafe things.

At any rate --- don't leave this woman you are going on about until you see her again in a normal state. And try to mitigate the damages of what is going on to her and her children. Don't be giving her money or anything -- you should have fought the divorce tooth and nail and tried to keep every dime to protect it from her illness.

I know she has left you --- but you can still love her and wait for the storm to end and take her back home, sort out the mess and save her children --- who must also feel like your kids after 5 years.

Even if you get divorced then.... at least you can do it while you are both sane and all the children are safe. And you are setting an EXCELLENT example for your children on responsibility and compassion and what love means.

There are things you can do to FORCE a psych eval because she has children and that would move this along quicker.
http://www.apa.org/practice/childprotection.html

good luck -- and really examine what you yourself feel, not what you should feel

I am just another spouse living with someone with the disease. We will be married 9 yrs in May, and only this winter has he been diagnosed with bipolar. My husband is a landscaper and spends most winters on unemployment. He usually does some work under the table and does home improvememnts on our house. This year he was lucky to get out of his pajamas. He desided Febuary 6th that he was just not happy and that it was me and that he wanted a divorce. He then flip floped back and forth on me over the course of the next month, that he wanted to try and make our marriage work to divorce once again, probally four times. I knew that he was sick even bought a book to read up on it. He was only willing to see the normal MD rather than a psyc and the MD was treating him like a lad rat, try this ok try this, what about this. Then in early March while I was home with the Flu he took about 5 or 6 of his meds right in front of me. I called the police, which he then lead the police on a chase until he finally pulled over and he was taken to the hospital. The mental health program there would not enroll him in in patient care but suggested some outpatient, which he of course agreed to there, three days later there was nothing wrong with him and he just needed a divorce. He then moved into the spare bedroom- still frequently visiting me in our room. He started dating a female friend (also with bipolar who also left her husband this winter) right in front of me. Rubbing my nose in it in fact, it was horrible to watch all of this. I confronted he husband about what was going on. My husband full of rage threatened me for doing this, scaring me to the point that i told he was not welcome in our home, I locked the door when he left, which he then intern kicked in. I got a restaining orderfrom the police and pressed charges.

That was two weeks ago. He called me three days after all of that begging for me to take him back. That i was the best thing that ever happened, that he could finally think straight again, that his head had stopped spinning and was clear. I love him very much and maybe I am stupid but I have brought him back into our home. We have gone the last two fridays to a bipolar support group in toms river and he also has an appointment with a real doctor. He has stopped drinking on his meds and seems to be reallt trying to get his disorder under control. I try to show him affection as often as I can knowing that he needs to feel love. Is there anything else that I can do to ensure him success in controlling this. I can not physically go down the road that I have traveled the last two months- I have also lost about 40 pounds with the stress. I love him with all my heart and know that he is sick but how do you go forward and forgive all the hurtful things that were said and done. please some advise form people still making there marriage work.

He is lucky to have you === and you are both probably lucky to have eachother. Love helps more than anything I can say. Love keeps me from killing myself. Sometimes though it can feel so bad or badly good that love doesn't help - so don't feel like you fail. Just imagine how much it would be without you. I always tell my husband -- no... you are not making me feel any better,,,, but you are keeping me from feeling far far worse.

good luck

I think there is new hope on the horizon for bipolar... ten more years - we'll see much better treatment : )

Thank you for your kind words, and for giving me some hope. I read the statistics that 90% of all marriages where one is bipolar end in divorce and am not very enthusiastic tward the future.
He is trying now though, not like before. He has stopped drinking all together, which i thank god for every day and we attend a support group. I think I might get more out of this group than he does though, but at least it is something we are doing together. I wish there was more I could do for him. I really want my marriage to work, but the hurt and suffering that he put me through the last two months was horrible.

I can really understand how you feel - two months of insanity is hard to take. I understand his drinking too though --- I drink too much sometimes. Sometimes the loudness in my mind is just so great that I will do almost anything to aleviate -- short of endangering my family. Drinking can be destructive, but my god just to have my mind calm for a few hours is such a relief. I am not experiencing "remission" from medication -- only mitigation. You know your husband may just be going through his own personal hell. But by saying that I am in no way trying to diminish you must feel at his destructive behavior. I just recently took a bunck of pills infront.. well near my husband - neither hiding nor trying to get a response. And I did get no response until it was discovered by him and a friend I was making no sense and they ultimately shipped me off to the hospital because I could not understand the concept of zero (I am a geek so these are things I would stress about). And this really just caused me problems rather than letting me sleep it off - doctor's appointments for children unmet (asthma), things that a mother just needs to do... and now I have more stress on return. Now I am whining to you! Sorry - but gosh it seems that there is no solution.

I am also aware of the very low chance of a marriage with a bipolar person succeeding. I can confidently say that I will not fall victim to the statistic. (My recent problem very attributable to a medication change for health reasons that went wrong.) But I carefully chose a man who could handle an overly emotional, up and down person - - - and I would suggest that when your husband gets more stable you discuss with him plans on how to lower YOUR exposure to his pain and suffering when he goes through episodes. Planning ahead helps. And if you get his understanding when he is sane, it may help you tolerate his disreguard for your pain when he is in the grip of bipolar madness.

One thing I have learned to say when I am not well to people who love me is : "I know this is bad. As difficult as it is I know it will pass. Please be patient, I will be myself again." And then I go back to whatever hysterical or stupid thing I am doing. But I find that this is very comforting to others to hear from me. Most people can grab a moment of clarity during an episode, but then go back to craziness --- I have seen it in people besides myself.

Am I right? Would you feel comforted at a brief admission of saying how hard it is and that it will pass?

Well... I am just babbling... not feeling well

good luck

Thank you again. My husband actually was telling me when things were bad twards the end of this episode. I would come home from work and he would tell me that today was not a good day and to leave him alone. He would then shut himself up in the computer room and not come out. I can totally deal with that better than the yelling and mean things. I do understand what you mean by the racing mind and the alcohol calming it. That was his biggest issue was his racing mind. He actually found a better way to deal with that though- its illegal but does not make him mean like alcohol, he smokes some weed. It slows his mind down and keeps him calm also does not depress him further. He has also really gotten into model building. All of the little detail work with all the little parts really calms him down.
I really missed him the last two months while he was not himself and am so glad that I have him back. I think that when or if we have to travel the road we last traveled, we have both learned so much about bipolar and maybe we can handle the situation much better. It really is helping to go to the support group and this posting too to know that i am not alone. It also really helps to know that everything my husband has done has been normal and it really was the disease. thanks for the support- wish there was something I could say to help you. Do you attend support groups? They really are great, my hubby, he does not like to tell even people close to him about his feelings, actually shares in group and gets something out of it. I will be talking to ya, Melissa

i must say honestly that i never knew something like existed. I had always hoped something like it did, but never found it. Now I fear its too late. I have been married to most loving person I've known for 9 years on the 18th of this month. We've been going thru some rough times as we've had to move in with family and all. But the entire time over the last 9 monthes I've heard nothing but professions of undying love. She was diagnosed about 5 years or so ago just before the birth of our first son was born. It made so much since then as it provided an answer to many things. It spoke volumes about some choices she had made with friends whom are no longer friends. She has had affiars, became abusive, and destructive to our property. We got her into a good counsler and she was taking a combo of Risperdal and Lamictal that was doing great. Unfort when we moved unknowning to me she took herself off her pills. She was able to masks the effect thru stealing other drugs (Vicodin, T3, Ambien, etc) and drinking. 10 days ago after being confronted and my entire family (her and i and our 2 kids) being told we had to move out that next day. that next day is the day she walked out and left us alone with the only explanation as she leaving the house is I don't love you and I WILL NEVER be back. All this in front of our 1 year old baby and our 4 year old son. She has said and done things that while i know she doesn't mean for them to are hurting the him. Not physically but just stuff like telling him to stop wanting her to come back home and stuff. She also just turned down a chance to see him and our baby girl. She is blameing me for everything that is happening to her even things that her sister is putting on her. I know that I've read the stories and I know I'm not alone, but man is still harder then anything else I've had to go thru. Everything in me says to run away and never look back..that I deserve much better than this...but my heart tells me I can't. I love her more then my own life...I know I can't let her hurt our children, but I can't let her go. I must admit I was not staying on top of her medicenes and her counseling the way I should have, but I can assure myself if she returns that won't be the case. I just don't know what to do. She is talking about flying half way across the country to see some guy who she has only met online and is 6 years younger then her. What really distresses me the most is that no one in her family and this guy as well doesn't care that she is not on her meds and getting her counseling. They are all encouraging her to stay off them and do whatever she wants...her sister who is a physcology major in college, is telling her the same thing, allowing her to drink and do whatever she wants. Encouraging her to go be with lots of guys. I just want to slap them all and ask them what the matter is. Why don't they understand that she can very realisticly die without her meds/counseling. She has allready attempted suicide at least once in this last week, but everyone that knows where she is either doesn't care or doesn't see it. I guess I'm just torn on how to help her and how far to let her go before I say enough. If it were not for the kids there never would be a let her go option, but where do I draw it for their sake. I have her agreed to get back into counseling this week, but I dunno if she will cause she needs me to bring her as no one else will, but I'm not allowed to know where she lives. I just wanna scream in utter and complete frustration and because I'm absolutely terrified of what is going to happen to her. Its been almost 9 days since she left and I've had one decent night of sleep (thankfully my mom took the kids and gave me a sleeping pill) and maybe 2 decent meals since then. I just hope this nightmare will end soon enough. If anyone has any suggestions on how to help the rest of her family see the truth on her bipolar and her needs for the counseling and meds and support I'm all ears.

I have no good advise for you. In my husbands case his family was behind me, his mother worked for a hospital. They could not convince him though. He had to want it on his own. He was willing to see an MD but not a psychologist and the MD yes ccan prescribe the drugs that you need but he is not a knowelgeable in what drugs to prescribe and really you are just a lab rat for weeks as they try all different drugs oon you. The week I threw him out of our house his third kind of meds actually started to do something, maybe even the finally hitting rock bottom and he came around in about a week. I had been an enabler, allowing him to destroy himself, and me in his tornado of emotions. He know sees a psychologist and we go to support group meetings. Maybe that would help you Bipolar support groups are for the family as well as the one suffering and you do not have to attend with your wife. You could here other people and what they are going through and how they are dealing and get the chance yourself to talk, they are all willing to offer suggestions. Hope that might help you out.

I just wanted to give an update on things,

It was said I liked her when she was up, and might have even encouraged her.

First off, I, like a lot of the general public had no clue about Bi-polar. In fact when she was manic, it meant that checks sere going to bounce, and she was going to blow her paychecks and as I found out eventually, she would cheat.

So no, I did not like the manic phases.

During the depressive phases, I did everything I could to keep the load off her. I cooked all the meals, cleaned the house, did all the laundry, the ironing, car maintenance, yard work, EVERYTHING. In fact she did not have to cook a meal from May 2002 till January 2007 unless she wanted to, and honestly it was not very often that she did. She came home from work to a real sit down dinner almost every night. I scrubbed toilets, showers, windows, all of it. ( I was severely injured/disabled, and some days I literally crawled around the house in pain, but did it because I never wanted her to feel like she had to do it all)

I take the blame in that she had to work full time while I was back in school. That said, I did put my entire child support check and any other money I could into the family finances. Money was not an issue, we had about $2500 a month left over after all our bills. It was her scratch off tickets, and blowing the money elsewhere that killed us. You can't buy 1600 (yes sixteen hundred) minutes a month on your trac phone so you can secretly talk to your boyfriend without some hole appearing in you budget.

I suffer from depression, I am not bi-polar, but I do have depression. My soon to be X thought that my distancing myself from her last fall was because I was depressed.

This was not the case

When I confronted her about how things were building between her and her current flame, she shrugged it off.

She lied about having no cell hone reception where she went, one of the first things I did was check out the cell phone reception where she said she went to think, I had full bars.

Working 50-60 hours a week, but the paycheck only reflecting 40

spending nights away from home when I was there, and even when I was not

the list goes on, but suffice it to say I pulled away because I knew what was going on, and when I confronted her, she denied it.

Now, it has been almost 5 months since I have been around her,, I was called a couple of weeks ago by a friend and told she was seen having dinner and holding hands with another man in a restaurant that is NOT her boyfriend. Even thought she has her boyfriend over on the weekends, and spend so much time with him that the kids think she works double shifts.

So she continues her pattern, cheating on the man she cheated on me with.

When this first all came out I wanted t work things out with her, but the more I found out, the more I realized I will not put up with all the cheating, betrayal, the evil words and actions, regardless of bi-polar or not. I have custody of my three children from my first marriage, and myself to think about. I will not allow that to happen ever again to my family.

Did it hurt to leave her?

Yes, absolutely, I felt like I was tearing off my limbs.

But now, I know I am happier, stronger, and so much better off without her, both myself, and my children.