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My wife of 5 1/2 years confided to me on Jan 02 that she has been having an affair and that she was diagnosed as manic depressive at age 17. Our sex life went from once a month or less to off the charts about the same time she started having the affair. She started leaving our kids home alone overnight to party and in the past 47 days she has been away from the home for 25 of them. She goes from screaming obscenities at me to asking for advice in the same phone call. She has been blowing her money like crazy, to the point we have bill collectors calling, then everything is my fault. Now she wants a divorce, the week before she told me this it was seriously all love hugs and kisses, I can't wait to see you again and everything else. I'm going nuts here, I'm giving her the divorce she wants right now, but it looks like she is going to move her boyfriend in right away. Also she told me in her head, she knows this is the worst mistake of her life, but her heart right now tells me she hates me and cant stand the thought of seeing me. She has even said that she has woke up wishing I was dead. I'm really at my wits end here, Ive lost 34 pounds in the last month from this stress. The night she told the kids about the divorce, she left 30 minutes later, to spend the night with her friend and go out to a bar. She left me home with our 8 kids to deal with all this pain. Then she came home, turned around and left for ten more days, staying with her boyfriend, her friends going to the casino and bars ever night.
What can I do? I'm really new to all this and I don't know how to handle it....
hurt and confused....i know its pointless to say, but i do know how you feel. if you go back and read my postings you'll see that you're words mirror mine almost exactly. im sorry that you're going thru this. i have no advice because my love wasnt strong enough to keep us together. i was being hurt and mentally and verbally abused. i too lost 45 pounds in three months due to stress. the most important thing is to first take care of yourself, and then try to offer help to your SO.
I am filing for the divorce in two weeks. I talked to three doctors and a therapist/marriage councilor's and all of them told me that her behavior will just continue. I spoke to someone that knows her very well and told me this has been going on all her life. She has done this in EVERY single relationship she has been in. I found out that a week before I moved in she told her last fiance that her was worthless blah blah blah. I should have known something was up when I could never call her, she could only call me. He fiance found out about me 2 days after we had moved in together. I honestly had no clue, she told me they had been apart for close to 6 months. I found out that right before I moved in, about a month, she had accepted his proposal of marriage.
You are not a chump. You are someone who took a chance with someone and unfortunately it was someone who is unstable. You did nothing wrong at least according to what you said here. Don't beat yourself up and don't let it scare you away from someone else. That someone else may just be the one true person for you.
It still hurts like hell. I can look at the history, and realize that I am just one of many she has hurt, but when you know nothing of bi polar you just take their word for it that its a mood swing and roll with it. Now shes telling everyone I was never there for her, I was worthless and would not get a job, (full time college student with a 3.8 gpa) I was there ever possible moment. Yesterday I drove 9 hours through blowing snow so she could get my signature to cash a check so they would not shut her phone off, even after all the things she has been saying about me. When I went to visit her kids only one would talk to me, the rest just glared at me, she has been telling them that the divorce is because I was a bum, and telling them how much better they would be without me. Through my child support I contributed over 10,000 a year to the family income, I did help out with the income. I am not a bum, but if I mention the infidelity she says I'm just trying to make myself look good in this divorce. Like I said, I feel like Im running my head against a brick wall here. I ran the figures, since November 01 of 2006 to the middle of January she left the kids alone over 40% of the time.
yes, it does hurt like hell, especially since we give everything we have that's in ourselves when we love someone. when that someone runs over it and treats it like it was nothing it hurts. when they say vile and disgusting things to and about us it hurts. when they are down and need us and three days later when they are manic and we are pieces of garbage it hurts. my SO is with another woman now. big shock. i hope she gets the same "affection" i did. dont let this make you scathed. you deserve to get the love back you give. again, im sorry this happened to you, but she's not well, and its not your fault.
i have been told so many vile and disgusting things by my soon to be X. She abandoned the kids 40% of the time being away even if I was home is still abandonment. running off to be in the arms of another man, feeling smug that she was able to "hide" the affair and not directly lie to me by asking "why would you think that??? She was actually proud that she was able to make statements like that without actually telling me the truth. I'm having such a hard time with it, but Ive actually been seeing the patterns in our marriage the more I learn about this, the 700 overdrafts, the 1000 overdrafts, the fact that EVERY single relationship has ended this way with her. I know I keep repeating myself, I'm just having such a hard time coming to grips with it. Its only been since the 14th of December 2006 and its still so damn raw.
WOW last night she went off the charts! She called screaming obscenities at me from the middle of Wal Mart with her children present. She completely blew off the affair like it was nothing, in fact stating that it was no big deal compared to how messed up I was, She was yelling out the affair and using obscenities at me. All this started because I asked to be notified by the school councilors when they called about the divorce if the kids ever needed anything. She said everything was my fault and equated my going back to school for pre law with a 3.8 GPA as being lazy and not caring about her. I called a couple of friends and they noticed that she had been acting strange lately, and everything else.
I told her not to call anymore unless it was an emergency or to tell me she was on the way to sign the divorce papers. She threatened to make the divorce ugly. I asked her how, I gave her everything anyway, Me and my three biological children are living in two rooms till I finish my degree. She got everything. I asked for nothing, I asked her how the only one that can gain from fighting right now is me. Wonder if that sunk in?
Oh and she denied being bi polar, she said that diagnosis was made years ago and she has "grown" out of it
God help me, I think I.m the one cracking up sometimes.....
"Oh and she denied being bi polar, she said that diagnosis was made years ago and she has "grown" out of it"
Ok. She is either so totally manic which it sounds like in which case she will burn out and drop really hard eventually or she is in complete denial. You can not "grow" out of this if she is truly Bipolar. I would like to think I could but that is just me wishing. It sounds to me by what you have said that you may be doing a good thing here by divorcing her if for anything yourself and your 3 kids.
She called this morning apoligising for the way she went off last night. She then said that she doubted we could be friends after the divorce because of the fact that I was hurt by the affair. She guesses she hurt me pretty bad because I told a few of my friends about it.
She then said that i was never there for her, I got the standard story of how things just wernt working out, obviously I cant see past the affair and all the hurtful things she said to me, so she doubts we could be friends.
Thats how its been going, a call where I'm cussed and screamed at and then an apology call the next day, every day it's like that, and even in the middle of a call it can switch over.
She almost made me laugh when she said, obviously your still upset about the affair.....
I finally had a good hard cry over everything thats happened the past few weeks/months. I can't believe I never realized something was wrong. The months of depression, the previous manias, it all follows a regular pattern. I still can't believe it's over, that i have lost the love of my life over something i have no control over. Ive asked my friends if any of what she said about me was true, and they all tell me that they know that something changed in her long about September/October that they had never seen before. They noticed she started acting like she was a single woman of 20, not a married mother. So it's not just me, everyone seems to have noticed it. I just hate that something this strong was able to destroy my entire life's dream. All I ever wanted was a happy marriage, and a happy family. Now, it's gone....
sounds like what happened to me but my friend was more violent , i've been spit on ,called horrible names for days, slapped and worse,told i was worthless etc. then would come the sobbing crying.
I am currently in the same situation. The only reason that my husband has not left here is because if he does, he knows that I will book it with the kids. He wants to live somewhere where he has complete control. This is where he gets it. Me and the kids all walk on egg shells all of the time. I cant get away. I am afraid of him because hes a big guy with a disorder that can warrant a huge physical issue that could possibly get someone hurt...if not killed. Yes this almost happened here at my house as he was reaching for a knife and was going to cut his nephews throat. His saving grace was me yelling that I was going to call the cops if he didnt put the knife down. Thankfully he did. He has raised his fist to me and punched things so close to my face I just knew it was going to be me. He puffs up and gets in your face and the rage you can see in his eyes is deathly threatening. Hes got a charm about him though and had my son's school totally convinced that he was this wonderful guy that could change how all things were there and make it good. He screwed that up too. I never know from one moment to the next whats going to happen. And yes presumably its all my fault that we are broke...even though I have no control of the money. And like you I have lost an incredible amount of weight. I went from 128 pounds to 104. I cannot take the stress. Its killing me. But he has managed to destroy both of my cars so I cant just up and jump in one and get away. And due to the fact that I dont have a car, I am unemployed and have no money to do so either. I want out. Can anyone help me please? Please?
living with someone that has bipolar is no fun indeed and I want out!
Posts: 2 | Location: Fresno, Ca | Registered: 02-03-2007
Pergatory, your situation sounds so much like what my kids and I went through. My ex (yea, i divorced him!) hurt my kids and myself physically and emotionally-telling my kids they were stupid and worthless. Telling me I was a sorry excuse for a wife, choking me, the sex was mean and horrible...our bank account was always hundreds of dollars in the hole every payday and it was always my fault (he spend tons of money on porn/ebay/ect) Never knew when he was going to "lose it" and could never figure out what was going to set him off...my kids were scared of him. He hurt our pets too. During our divorce he had a lawyer but still blames me for his losing custody of the kids. He didnt show up for court and his lawyer could not contact him because he kept moving around and not letting anyone know where he was. We stayed because I thought it was me...and I was too scared to leave (and not being allowed to use the car or atm card...) He cheated the whole time we were together and still denies it (got copies of love letters and pictures to prove it!) One morning something inside said to leave now-right now and dont wait- so I "stole" the car keys and put my kids in the car, "stole"$200 out of our account and left. Drove from North Carolina to Nevada scared out of my mind but relieved at the same time. I had to protect my kids... You will know when it is time to leave. (Ihope that made sense!) Yes, I am in couselling now to undue the horrible things he has done to me so I can be a stronger person and take better care of my kids.
Check in you local phone book for battered womens shelters. You will be presently surprised how helpful they can be in your situation.
take a deep breath, let it out.
I finally realized that I am not losing my wife, I am getting rid of her and all she has done and will continue to do to me.
During a lucid moment she told me she knows her and her boyfriend will explode because they both are cheaters, and when it does she hopes we can be friends and maybe more. I told her no way, I was finished with her.
I look back at where I was when I first posted, and the more I realize how much she hurt me and my ids, the more I realize that this is the absolute best for me. And hope fully you will come to the same realization.
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