Bipolar Depression

My husband was just diagnosed as bipolar a week ago. For the last 1+ year the focus has been his sex addiction which takes the form of compulsive masturbation and viewing of ****. The bipolar diagnoses was a relief of sorts, but, there are other issues I haven't seen addressed as being associated with biploar and need to know if they are or not.


The biggest issue is what seems like selfishness. Even heartlessness at times. While I am far from perfect, I have stood by his side through countless lies and then disclosures. I have scoured the internet for every bit of info I could get on SA and now on bipolar. I have read countless books as well. But at the end of the day, I'm accused of not being supportive enough. And of not being understanding enough. Beside that, we have basically no social life because he has shut himself off and I'm so embarresed to be a newly wed (barely a year) whose husband doesn't want to go out, I don't see my friends either. And my feelings are often disregarded if it means he will have to confront someone who is hurting upsetting us/me. Not to mention that he really has no sexual desire for me, as a by-product (from what I've learned) about his sex addiction. He can be so cold and cruel I'm just reduced to tears, and he doesn't care, at all. Or at least not that he shows.

In all of this I have asked for one thing to help take some of the stress and pressure off of me. We got a dog, because he basically badgered me until I thought maybe just maybe if he got THIS, he would be happy. Not only were my valid arguments about why we shouldn't get a dog right now ignored, but the fact that I'd wanted one long before he did was ignored because he wanted the kind of dog he wanted when he wanted it. So we have an undisciplined dog who has issues of his own (he pees anytime anyone but the two of us are around, where ever he is at, so having company over is horrible. And he can't just play nicely, he always bites at you when you pet him.)

So here I am, trying to deal with all of the lies, and the mood swings, compulsive spending, (the only thing there has been minor improvement in) and no intimacy of any real measure, my self esteem in the gutter (which I'm trying to work on) and then the dog. So I asked him to take some of the pressure off of me by giving the dog away. I've explained that the dog is like his mistress to me. He gives the dog the attention I have been begging for. He wants to take the dog everywhere. He doesn't feel guilt around the dog like he does around me because he hasn't hurt the dog like he has hurt me, so the dog is easier. But the dog stays. That's it. And just like so many other things in the past, my feelings are disregarded. I broke down in tears asking for some minor relief in the way he can give it to me, and it didn't matter.

So my question is, is selfishness such as I have experienced a part of bipolar? Is he really so disconnected that his wife can be put through the ringer and he will choose himself over me anyway? Will medication and therapy for bipolar possibly help him to see how he has treated me and help him get past the guilt of it enough to move on to reparing the damage that he has done? Or will I always be the easiest thing to walk away from? I'm really lost and confused right now and don't know where to turn. I'm worried that so many people in his life have just let him behave however he wants that he's a spoiled child in some ways and will just do whatever he has to, in order to get what he wants. Any advice is welcome! PLEASE!

mrsmont1

This is a very serious illness and the actions that your husband is displaying sounds so familiar. My husband accused me of never trying to help him, never caring for him, and not showing any support for him. He bought what he wanted, not caring to check if we had the funds to cover or not, I just had to find a way to pay for everything. He bought 2 Ipods for himself while encouraging me to buy myself one but not caring that we could not afford his and certainly not one for me.

He had plastic surgery, got tattoos, and purchased many things for himself. Then later he accused me of over spending, hiding money from him, and spending money on "other men" when our money ran out completely.

He was hurtful and mean not caring how it hurt me. Does this sound familiar? This is a very good site, and the people here are very supportive. You are not alone, we all have been through much of the same things.

Please stay strong and realize that this is not you, no matter how much he attempts to turn everything on you. You are a normal and loving person and he has an illness.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out well for you.

Hi mrsmont1,

Wow, you have really been hit with a double whammy, having a husband with bipolar and sex addiction. My heart goes out to to you. You asked some pretty tough questions, and I will give you my honest answers, based on what you described.

Is selfishness a part of bipolar? From personal experience with my husband and my firsthand knowledge (I have bipolar), I have to say that being selfish is a direct result of the all-consuming emotions experienced by someone with bipolar. You become so caught up in your own feelings, that it can be difficult to make room for someone else's. Of course, there are those times when you are not feeling manic or depressed, and this would be when you could reach out to another person. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like your husband was willing to consider your feelings. Was he pretty "normal" when he declined to help you with any of your needs? Or was he pretty manic or depressed each time? Either way, he has got to take responsiblity for his emotions and not try to blame them on you or his bipolar condition. Regardless of how they got there, he has to deal with them now that they are here.

The feelings of depression and mania can be so consuming, that there is no room left to consider others' feelings. Do I think medication will help to resolve the selfishness associated with bipolar? No, I don't. The only thing that will solve your husband's selfishness is self awareness and the desire to change. Medications can only treat the symptoms of bipolar. Your husband ultimately has control over his emotions and, definitely, medications can help him exert control over them. Medications have been a godsend for me, to help level me out so that I can consider others and not be so self absorbed all the time. Is your husband willing to consider taking meds for the bipolar or does he even admit that he has bipolar? With regard to the sexual addictions, has he said that he recognizes this to be a problem as well? You can't get any further than you are, if he is not willing to admit he has these problems and then, is willing to try to change them.

I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling, to be rejected by your husband in this way. I once saw a Lifetime movie, in which a married couple worked through the problem of the sex addiction, but I have never seen anything which addressed both issues. I don't mean to sound like everything is hopeless, but I do want to say that medication will not resolve these deeper issues. I know that there are medications that can stifle a man's sexual desire, and there is also an operation that a man can get, which basically takes away his masculinity. Whether or not your husband would be willing to accept either the medications or the operation remains to be seen, however. Both options are drastic, and I can't imagine a man being willing to give up his masculinity for any reason.

If it were me, I would do some of my own research by going on the internet and seeing what the experts are saying about this. Perhaps you can find something that addresses both problems within the same person. It sounds like you have been hurt very deeply, and the road to recovery would probably be very long and painful. And that is provided that your husband is willing to make the effort to change. With bipolar, a lot of people will not even admit they have the condition, much less work to "fix" it. And if your husband does recognize that he may have bipolar, he would need to start trying medications for treatment of the symptoms of it. There are some really good medications available for the treatment of bipolar and depression, so that might be a good starting point. Some people are really opposed to taking medications, especially for something like bipolar, so that is something else to consider.

The treatment options for sex addiction seem to be somewhat limited (from what little I know about it), and they don't appear to be very attractive options. I wouldn't give up, though, because new treatment options are being explored in all areas these days. There may be some new kind of medication that is available now, that I am not aware of.

I guess I feel under-qualified to answer any of your questions with any degree of certainty or even firsthand knowledge. Your husband having both conditions definitely makes this a challenging journey. My number one question would be to ask myself if my husband were willing to put in the time and energy necessary to work on both issues. If he is willing to work on both of them, then you have a starting point. The road to recovery will undoubtedly be a long one and you should be prepared to do a lot of work.

If your husband does not recognize that he has both conditions, then I would seriously question whether or not I wanted to put in all the time and energy necessary to make any changes. After all the hurt you have experienced, you would only be setting yourself up for more, if he does not come to terms with the problems he has. No one can make him face his problems head on, and unless or until he is willing to do that, you would be fighting a losing battle. I understand that you probably love him very much. Sometimes, the best thing you can do in the name of that love, is to cherish the good moments you have had and get on with your life from here. I realize that sounds simplistic, but it is far from simple. When love is involved, nothing is simple.

I wish you the best of luck with all of this. It really saddens me to see someone like yourself, who gives of herself so freely, only to find out that her husband has problems such as these, that can only be altered through his self awareness and his desire to change. It sounds like you have done what you can - at least in terms of letting your husband know what your wants and needs are. Now someone needs to show your husband (preferrably not you) that what he is doing is killing your relationship and any hope that you might have for a future together. I don't mean to sound so pessimistic. I truly wish I had more positive information to give you. Again, I would seek professional advice on this, as it is way over my head. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and there is someone out here who is thinking of you and praying for you. I am sure that there are several people doing that for you, as we speak.

Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing,

Kay

I read your story and I felt like I wrote it. I have dealt with whole pay checks being spent on internet porn. I have spent many sleepless nights waiting for him to come home after a drunken binge. the last 4 years of my life have been about setting boundries and giving "last chances" to no avail. He is violent and I have no social life outside of a great job. He has finally began meds and moved into his own apartment. Now I live in fear of what he will do to himself or others if I'm not around to polce after him. He says that he wants to get better but has missed his meds already to play cards and drink. I can't talk to him without it going straight to him screaming and accusing me of treating him like a child. He has told women that he used to date lies about us. He makes himself sound like he is so great to me and I am the one with the problem. I have no idea how to deal with a bipolar loved one. If you have found anything that helps to break down the walls please share. Good Luck with you husband. You can't help who you love, no matter what the state of the relationship is. But, you have to take care of yourself.

mrsmont1 and chloe27,

My heart goes out to the both of you. I have no idea how to tell you to deal with these issues. I certainly hope there are no kids involved and you are able to resolve things before there are. I think the sex issue is serious and am doubtful if it will ever be resolved to your satisfaction. Afterall, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, things work differently in our brains.

Good Luck.

Just wanted to update you on my situation. He has moved out and has his own place now. We still see each other and I have to admit, my life is far less complicated now.He has been on meds for about a month and the changes are very dramatic. I had to make a decision to stop treating him like my child and he had to decide what he wanted in his life. He has changed his life to eliminate the "triggers" that cause him to do the destructive things that have caused so much pain to me and his family. I hope that he can do it, but I realize now that it has nothing to do with me. I can be there for him, but not be his victim or excuse anymore. The fact that he knows I am not going to except his behavior has helped alot. He is spending time with his family that he alienated for several years and has kept his internet use in check. I just hope that he can live a happy,fullfilling life with or without me. It will take a long time for me to trust or live without doubt when it comes to him. The good thing is my life is starting to be about me and not him anymore. I still have moments of sadness and regret for allowing myself to live this way for 4 years. But, I finally know that there are choices. Thank you both for posting and please keep updating about your situations. I hope that you find yourself in a beter place, and realize that you have to feel good about yourself before you can look at this objectively.I have been seeing a therapist on my own and it has helped me so much. Good Luck and best wishes. You are in my thoughts.