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I develped or became aware of this problem in Boot Camp in the military but not perticuly for the manic was what I needed to make it through. I became really sick in the military with a really high fever and they had to do surgery and remove some of the muscle, which also doing the breathing tube I through up and breathed that in givinging me breathing problems. I develped asthma and phnomia however you spell that, and other problems. Even sence that I have never really been correct in feeling quite right in the thought process. I never really feel happy, I do not drink or drugs, my only love in working out. I always seem to just struggle through each day wondering what the hell is this all for. I lost my wife from it and my kids(they are still alive) just meant divorce. I just wish I could meet a women that would not freak out when I am so sad or not with it, or hyper as all hell. The v.a. hospital does the best it can but it never has anybody to talk, and they just keep uping the meds. but it really does not matter to much for I never really feel better. I am on lithium and only the other day they brought it up and I actually feel happy. I had a dream that night that I feel in love like I did before the problem, the actual rush of emotion that I do not get anymore not even for my wife. I was alowd to feel that all day it was great and now it is gone once again. Sorry this is so long but nobody understands this stuff till I found this site. I am just sick of trying to tell my employeers why I mess up or leave and just lay around and not leave or try to committ suicde. I tried three times about 12 years ago being hospitized several times all the way up into may, which that is what the va tends to do. Well God Bless and remember we feel pain more than us for we are bi-polar, and the other thing I learned that suicde is not up to me for there is just more than me that depend on my to be alive and that is what keeps me going everytday. Tell you this one and I will go, the day I tried to commit suicde, they pumped my stomach and when I got home I found the next day that my girlfriend was pregant.
AAron: you stated that you were in the military when you were diagnosed? Were you able to remain in there or did they chapter you out? How is the VA's overall treatment of someone with this disorder? You stated in your message that your wife and kids left you? How long ago was that? Do you now have a relationship with your kids since you have been receiving treatment? I'm assuming that since you lost your family there was a point in your life where maybe you were in denial and refused to get help, is this this the case? If so what made you decide to get help? I know that you stated that your desire is to meet someone who is okay with your disorder and I would have to say that to do so honesty first would be the best policy. My husband wasn't honest with me about his disorder (not sure if he knew it was bp or not but I'm sure he knew something was quite wrong with him), and he destroyed the relationship that he and I have, as well as the one he had with our son. I separated from him several months ago and am planning on filing for a divorce when he comes out of mania. He came out for a few weeks last month but he is back in it. I don't expect him to be out of it until may or june now. Again, honesty is the best policy. My friend is dating someone who has a mental illness and he was up front with her about his condition and his treatment. They have been dating for several months now and she thinks he's the best thing that ever happened to her. Just keep in mind, honesty is always the best policy.
When I wss diagnosed in the military they let me stay in, and they did not give me any medicine to help it. I just keep drugging on without really knowing what was going on. My wife know up front that soemthing was wrong, about the ptsd and other things, but me and her did not know about bp until she just could not deal with me. See the v.a. which is good but has not much time, so everytime I went to see my doctor they would give me a differnt medicine with a different diagnosis. So I would take the medicine faithfully but never getting better, and in fact some of them made it worse. So she just could not handle especially the impusle control about what I was saying to people and going mania and she did not know what to do. So she took me to the v.a. to get help, and they found out in the hospital that I had bp, and that is when I started getting better. So I would have to reword that, she did stand by me in the treatment and we are still friends, in fact the kids are here right now. I talk to her on the phone, she still loves me and I love her but we just can not live together. It takes a special person to deal with this, and I do not look down on a person that just can not hanld it. ONe thing that really got me was the fall out when I was in the hospital, a bunch of people came up to here and told her about how I acted in the mania stage. So she just could not take it any more. I have been on dates and been up front about it and everything seems to be fine, we would break up for other reasons.
It is good that you, your ex, and the kids are able to remain close friends. Its also good that you understand how hard it was on her to stay because of mania. I commend you for that. I tried to stick by my ex, and in fact I stayed with him long enough to find out it is bp but he refuses to get help. He did so much damage that even if he were to get help, I would not be with him. We were together over 10 years, and when I told him that things were over between us he started raging telling me how impatient I am and threatening me. When I would try to point out to him that its been over 10 years and he has gotten worse, he acted like he can not understand my position. Its as if he can only think of himself. He couldn't even thank me for staying as long as I did when he knows good and well that no one else has. So again I"m sure that has to mean alot to your ex to let her know that you appreciated her. Before you received proper treatment did you ever feel better? My soon to be ex claims half the time that nothing is wrong with him, and the other half he is either severly depressed or manic. When you sid that you never felt better until they diagnosed you with bp, what were you feeling? How was your relationship with your wife and kids? Do the meds really make that much of a difference? I know you stated that you hope to meet someone but I wanted to ask if you prayed about it? When the time is right, God will send you that very special young lady......most likely when you are not looking.
To me what I felt befor the correct medicine was usally a total blanket over my feelings or emotion. I never felt more than just moving from day to day, and I was a stay at home dad so I had to aleast go through the motion. I did have some times of feeling fun with my kids, but it really what I would call phone as what I remeer as a younger person. I more or less just wanted to really be off of the planet. Did not want to go out or on vacation for that would change my life and scare me. Everything had to be undercontrol and nothing can change like a vacation. Before the medicine my wife set up something great to go on, then I would make up some reason I would not want to go for I became suicidal because it would be a change in my infastructure. I would then be very suicidal, and the medis they gave me from the wrong diagnosis would make it worse. Like riatin would make me even hyper so that would cause my to skyrocket up and the crash into a much worse depression and I did not know how to tell my wife what was wrong. For in my mind everything was o.k. for I did not know taht all this madness was for a reason. A lot of stuff would change that I never really caught on like sex drive and energy all because of the different influx of medication. Now that we are seperated we are back to being best friens, for she never stopped trying to get me the best help. I hope eerytig works out ok for you, and I am glad that you understand this illness, and I hope he just sees that there is a real underlieing problem in the mind that needs adjusting. For to me that is all it is, just needs an adjustment. Medinince to me is the key and talking about it. YOu know I do pray about finding the right girl, and you are right it will come eventiualyy
Thank you so much for trying to help me understand. I look at it the way that you do in that there is a problem in the mind that needs adjustment. What is so frustrating is that I hung in here with him the longest and until he got a diagnosis, only to realize that he has absolutely no intentions on getting help for the condition. Our relationship is over, but I'm not sure why I expected that he would want to save the relationship between him and our son. I know that people with bp go through a lot, but what about their children?? Are they not able to understand the affects of their behavior on their children? Do you know if its true that without meds, the condition gets worse and so does their memory? His memory has progressively worse and he is still in his thirties. Its as if he thinks that if he ignores the problem it will go away. He was suffering before we met, all while we were together, and now that we are separated. The last time I talked to him I thought he was having a nervous breakdown and thought that he needed to go to the hospital. I know its his choice, but it still hurts not knowing what toll his behavior will have on our son. I know you have only posted a few times, but I wonder why it appears that it was easy for you to get help while so many other bp significant others refuse it. Its like you understand the effects that your behavior would have had on your family if left untreated, while other bp significant others don't seem to care.
for one I really do not enjoy having this problem, no feeling happy and feeling like the weight of the world is coming down on my shoulders. I was really unhappy being different from the rest of societ, for one I had the problmes of the miltary always in my head, then this, I wanted to be a really good role model for my children and the only way I could do that was to get help. Please the depression was just something allfull, three attempts at suicide and was always thinking about it. I love my kids and my wife(or ex wife now), I really believe that if it was a private hospital they might have gotten it right and did not have to go so wrong with the wrong medicine. I took the wrong meds, not knowing they where wrong, like clockwork. All the while I thought I was getting better when I was not. Let me tell you this though, my thoughts go through my head so fast i have trouble distingusing one thought from another without my medication. I could not carry on much of a converstation exept with a six year old. I had a bacholors and almost a masters and I was acking like I just woke up from a coma. I just feel taht sometimes life is just to big and there are a lot more people to consider besides me. It is my dutie to do everything possible to be a correct dad to children. I feel really sorry to people that have to endure a life with bp love ones that do not get help. It takes a lot for a man to admit that he has a problem or needs help towards a problem. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what all of you people do, love and respect, and I do not it is tough for a put out a lot of hostility toward my world through my bp.
