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My wife had been in and out of in patient treatment about 12 times in the last seven years. Each time the diagnoses differed from major depression to schizo affective disorder. In May like many times before she ran away for a few days. She called her dad and said she needed gas for our van and had been parked under a motel sign for 2 days. He went and got her and brought her home. They didn't inform me because I work night shift. I arrived at home to find her in a sucicidal state. I had the police EOD her. She stayed at an in-patient center and was diagnosed with bipolr disorder. When she got home three night later I came home from work early around 4:00a.m. to find her not there. Our children 3, 5, and 8. were asleep in the house. At 5:30a.m she came in dressed rather nicely and quickly changed into her pajamas. I asked her where she had been and she said to get them breakfast. She finally admitted she had been at the casino. That night she left again before I left for work and returned late again dressed up. When she came in she left her phone in our van and I heard it ringing. I answered and it was a guy. I asked him who he was and he said he had met her at the casino the night before. I tried to talk to her about it and she swore nothing happened. She left to see him several more times and I packed the kids and my stuff and went to my parents. We were there 19 days before we heard from her. She blamed me for all the problems and I after many problems like this before filed for a divorce. I currently have temporary custody of my children. I found out a month ago that she is no longer at home but is living with the guy that called. I have been so lost but I have been supportive of the kids and tried to be as nice to her when she calls them. Does this make sense to anyone out there. Please help. Is this what she had planned all along? How can she do this considering we aren't divorced yet. I wish she would think about the kids. Thank You.
Chrisishurt, You have done the right thing. Dont even think about going back. Regardless if your wife is bp or not she knows better than to cheat and she certainly knows its wrong to leave small children alone.I have found that mostly they only think about themselves. If that is an uncontrollable part of bp or not, I dont know, but either way it will eventually ruin both you and your kids lives.Its your responsibility to make sure that dont happen.You can either start over now or waste another 10-15 years and have to start over anyway. If you make a new life for your kids now they may avoid the emotional damage that could ruin their future. Sorry if this sounds harsh, Blaire
I'm going to answer this both as as a person with some college education and work experience in mental health and as a woman with bipolar disoder herself.
Chrisishurt--What you've been through has been very traumatic and very confusing, and I think you've handled it exceedingly well. You did what was best in your wife's case in committing her to the hospital and what was best in your kid's case in removing them to your parent's home. Good for you!
Unfortunately, your wife sounds like she may be in a manic state. Staying out all night at a casino could be indicative of the increased energy and reduced need for sleep that goes alone with mania, along with spending sprees if she is gambling a lot of money. Her affair would be characteristic of increased sexual drive and risk taking behavior. I think it's safe to say that her thinking is also not rational, and she's exercising poor judgment. I am not a clinician, so I cannot diagnose, but these are likely signs of your wife's illness.
Whether or not your wife knows right from wrong right now is a question of debate. She is suffering from a mental illness that severely impairs her judgment and causes her to act in ways she would not normally act. My own, personal, experience with this illness (and it differs for everyone), is that I know right from wrong in the back of my head but that I find it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to exercise good judment because my impulsivity goes off the charts. That is not to say, however, that I should not be held accountable for my actions. It is my responsibility to do everything I can to minimize and control symptoms to the best of my abilities and to make ammends for my actions if and when I do have breakthrough episodes. In my life that means accepting my diagnosis, educating myself about BP, taking my medications religiously, communicating well with my doctors and therapist, avoiding triggers (ie: lack of sleep, high stress situations), and living a healthy life style. If I do slip and something happens, then it means that I need to do whatever it takes to try to make things right. Unfortunately, that has meant spending a lot of time repairing interpersonal relationships in my case, but it was worth the time and effort on my part in making the repairs.
I'm sure your wife is NOT doing this intentionally to hurt or destroy you. She's probably just as scared and confused at what is going on as you are, and once with this episode is over, she will probably be truly devastated at what she has done. It sounds like she's a very ill woman if she's needed 12 inpatient treatments in the last 7 years.
People with BP are not inherently selfish or reckless or abusive, these are characteristics of the UNTREATED disorder. The people themselves, underneath all of the muck, are just like you and I. It's hard to see through all of that now, but with the proper medical and psychological treatment, your wife could hava a very happy and healthy life with this disorder. There are plenty of us who lead very normal and productive lives with families and careers. It's definitely possible!
I want to recommend two books to you that I really like both from the patient and consumer aspects:
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison --This book is absolutely astounding. It's a must read I think for anyone dealing with BP.
The Bipolar Handbook by Wes Burgess --This is a nice question/answer manual written by an MD specializing in BP.
Wow! Are you married to my wife? Sounds very similar. My wife's BP has just begun to rear it's ugly head in severe form over the last couple of years. However, she is now on her second inpatient treatment program in 2 months. She was kicked out of the first for hooking up with some guys. When she got out, she continued seeing the guys. She had prepaid phone cards and a prepaid phone which she was using to call them with. She had "No Number" calls coming in at all hours. When I answered, the person would hang up. I've called several of the guys and read them the riot act though I don't think they care since they are addicts she met at treatment. She is now at an all-female treatment facility after spending three days in jail for trying to strangle me. We had an intervention immediately after she was released from jail and she went to treatment out of state from there. I coordinated with the county domestic violence prosecutor to get the charge knocked down from a felony to a misdemeanor in order to allow her to leave the state for treatment and not have to leave treatment for court appearances. I'm also spending every last dime of our savings and going into a significant amount of debt to send her to treatment this time. All in the hopes of saving her from the twin diseases of alcoholism and bipolar. She blames me for everything. Has no idea how much work, time, money, and energy I've put into trying to help her. Doesn't care at all. She tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago. The week before that she was drinking and driving so I disabled the car which infuriated her (she thought I was a "psycho control freak". She ended up calling the police for me doing that. When they came (I was not there, but this was in the police report) she answered the door naked. A couple of months ago, she got herself drunk at the local bar and ended up getting sexually assaulted after "making out" with several guys that night. Had to go to the hospital to get a rape exam done. She later told me the results were negative for penetration (she was so drunk, she couldn't remember if she'd had sex or not). I later found out via the police report that she had a "discharge" from her vagina. She didn't tell me about that. Before that episode, she "accidentally" burned down her sister's fiance's house. His insurance company is now coming after my homeowner's policy. She's also run up $15-$20K in high-interest credit card bills over the last several months. There have also been a hundred other things.
Hello I am new hear but I already feel at home here.I too am going through many of the same things that you all are talking about. I have been married to my wife for almost 18 years and have been together for 20 years. I have 3 kids, 4 if you count my wife. Trying to take care of someone who will not take care of themselves is very demanding. My salary takes care of most of the bills, my wife only works part time but spends full time. I do most of the chores around the house and do almost everything for my kids. When the kids need something or someone it is Dad who they run to. My wife is not a very affectionate person. I am at the end of my rope. To tell you the truth I don't think she really loves me but does love the IDEA OF ME. I support her financially , physically, I take care of the kids making sure they get to their sporting events, school functions but do not get much in return. Usually I get nothing or if I do say anything about how things are going all I hear his that Dad is in one of his WHY ME MOODS. As soon as I can afford it I am getting a lawyer and filling for a divorce. Everyone I talk to has said the same thing, they don't know how I have lasted this long. Any help or advise would be great. Thanks
As painful as your situation is, your wife did you a favor. Your first priority is to your children and keeping them safe and secure. It's harder to do that in a volatile relationship. Even if you divorce your wife, she'll still be someone you loved, the mother of your children and the person most likely to negatively affect your children, so that job will never be done. My best suggestion to you is to get a crash course on bipolar disorder so you can accept the facts about the illness. I wrote a book specifically for spouses married to people with bipolar disorder because there are virtually no resources for the healthy spouse. Check it out: www.marriedtomania.com
My wife and I have been married for 13 years , we have a 12 year old daughter that lives with my in laws..because of my work and her irresponsibility.. In the past 12 years my wife has been in the hospital roughly 24 times, This does not bother me as much as the lying .. She has lied to the whole family roughly seven times about running off ... She goes to her x boyfriends house and cheats on me and then comes running home after a couple of days and tells me about it .. This has happened 7 times... I feel like she just wants to use me for a place to live and not pay rent or anything.. she always says Ilove you and I will never cheat on you again .. She has done this 7 times that i know of ( with her x boyfriend from high school... Just last week she went out with a friend to a bar and had sex with someone she met there.. Then it took me 2 days to get the whole story out of her .. Turns out I know the guy .. he is married with 3 kids.. Well one thing led to another and she is in the hospitol for mental illness.. Now she calls me asking me to bring her quarters , ciggarrettes, stuff and all, she bothers my daughter by telling her all kind of things. The hospitol has filed in the chancery court to have her committed and now I have to go pay 347.00 ... But now she called today and said that the doctors think she is ok now and that she might not have to go .. I really dont want her lying , cheating butt here with me anymore .. and sex is out of the question ...
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