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I have been wondering if it is my fault that my bp spouse isn't getting better. We learned of her condition during an affair 6 years ago when she didn't respond well to anti-depressents.
Since then she did well for about 3 years until we decided (or I coerced her) into having another child. Ever since she got pregnant we've been fighting (about 3 years).
She has returned to therapy but that has made things worse. If I can read through the lines of her double talk, she and the theapist beleive I am a problem or the biggest problem.
Also she works with her dad and he agrees too.
Often times I think If we got divorced she wouldn't have me to blame for her problems and she would work on her own.
It is likely not your fault.BP's like to blame those close to them for all their problems. They are very convincing in telling this to therapists, family, and friends. You are in a position many have been in. I once had my BP ex wife tell me that I was responsible for her unhappiness and she was responsible for her happiness - therefore it was all my fault that she had BP. It wasn't. She had a long family history of BP and was finally diagnosed by other drs once she made it to her 3rd suicide attempt. Even after that her family continues to believe it was my fault.
Being male in my state means that you have a low chance of getting custody of the children unless it can be shown that somehow she is unfit and the children are better off with you or if she voluntarily gives them up. It is imperative that you get custody in order to give the children a stable environment.
In all liklihood you are not going to know or believe that her bp is not your fault for several more years.It takes a long time for that realization to be internalized by us non-bp spouses. Her bp is likely to continue to get worse unless she is very unusual and stays on her meds. You have a 90-95% chance for eventual divorce. Your children have a 1 in 5 chance of developing bp at some point - keep a close eye on their emotional state.
Some bp's on this forum think the advice I am giving you is a result of bitterness developed from living with a bp and experiencing the ups and downs. While I can certainly understand that thought process, it isn't true. I am not bitter toward my ex bp spouse in the least (although I was at one time). I feel very sorry for her and her condition (she is now institutionalized and is unlikely to live independently again). However, she chose her path, made her decisions and things worked out very badly for her. There is not one thing I could ever have controlled about that path even if I had tried. I have a new life - no bitterness. I am realistic however. You have a difficult time ahead of you. Focus on yourself and your children and don't focus on making your BP spouse better. You can't and you won't. Only she can choose to be better by stayng on her meds and getting appropriate therapy. Make life good for you and your kids - regardless of what that means to your spouse. Even though you have been allies and partners for years, she may well become your adversary without warning.
Take care and good luck. Read through the posts on this forum. Many have been on the path you are on.
i sometimes wonder this too.but i do have to say that even with a divorse it will still be your fault(in her eyes).i would seriously start looking for signs of another affair.it was 7 years apart for my wife.and both times it was all my fault,in her world.is she on meds?
my wife threatened to take the kids 1 time.i simply said go,take them accross the country,they are still my kids,you cant change that.she never mentioned it again.in fact during both affairs she was willing to walk away.leave the kids with me.
her therapist only hears one side,so they cant make a fair determination.dont read to much into her statements.what the thrapist is saying and what she tells you may not be the same.even if it is,it is based on what she tells the therapist.ofcourse your gonging to be a problem,you want her better.when my wife gets mad she blames me for her meds.i sent her away and made her take them.she likes the high and i make her take the meds so she cant have a high.all i want to do is talk about bipolar,send her to therapy,question her every move.shame on me.after several affairs,putting our house in forclosure and hiding it,compulsive lying,suicide attempts,1 arrest,and still i stand beside her.i think i earned the right to question anything out of the ordinary.
anyway,its not your fault.and with bipolar...anything is possible.
Here's the thing, she hasn't done any of the extreme things that it seems like others have done. she's never had sex with another guy - it has always stopped. She takes her meds almost always and makes herself get caught when she spends too much money.
I wonder if I am nitpicking given how bad things could be. She works very hard and does love her kids.
Often times I think that I should be glad for what I have instead of trying to make her perfect. My spouse agrees with me when I think this.
I beleive a divorce is difficult and would damage the kids forever. Especially because her dad (whom she works with and is affluent) has already told her that he will spend every cent to make sure she gets the kids and I get nothing in a divorce.
He doesn't beleive in Bi-polar disease and agrees with my wife that I am the cause of all of her problems.
This knock down drag out would be worse for the kids than her eccentric behavior? I don't know.
I know I am difficult and strange. I read somewhere to give yourself a break from caretaking so I go away a couple of times a year of send my wife and kids away. This has been very helpful. Perhaps I just need a break again?
"Often times I think that I should be glad for what I have instead of trying to make her perfect. My spouse agrees with me when I think this." ,yea she will agree with this.as i told my wife "i want a marriage the way its supposed to be,and i'll accept nothing less".but i dont have a choice with BP in the marraige.i do however want a marraige with honesty.if you do wrong then admit it. dad sounds like more of a problem than you.family members not accepting or understanding BP can definately make things worse.got one of those myself.but i was clear,if you cant be supportive then stay away.
the extreme things vary from person to person,but what one calls extreme others might call just bad.hurt is hurt.would it make a diference if she has sex or just falls inlove with another guy.the lying and unfaithful is still there.the overspending is still damaging.the fighting is just as real.some poeple tolerate more than others.in your case you have kids to concider,and you should.but remember they will always be your kods,she or dad cant change that.dad doesn't decide who gets what.so does dad know about the affair,or a doctor dx'ing her.i have learned that BP's only tell what they have to,no more.ususally its only what you have physical evidence for.
as far as making her perfect...you should define what you feel would be perfect.then decide if its possible,or realistic
I agree with the other poster who said that people with bp love to blame others for their problems. Believe me, them blaming you never ends. When I met my husband thats all he did was blame other people (mainly his family) for everything that went wrong in his life. I thought by helping him realize he was an adult and thus could make his own choices he would be glad to find out that others are NOT the blame for the way he is. I even took it upon myself to show him. For example he said he always wanted to go to college but they couldn't afford it (my family helped pay for some of his classes and he dropped them all). He then said he dropped them because he didn't like taking handouts. He then found a job that paid for him to go to college and he only took three classes, one he failed, the other two he got D's in. And he had no explanation. I earned several degrees and when people compliment me for being able to balance work, school, and family he gets angry and says that if it wasn't for us he would have a degree also. Then he would vow to take classes and never sign up. I left him and he could have taken several classes since we have been gone and he has taken none. When he started having affairs he blamed me and when I asked how I was to blame for his actions (something I knew nothing about or something I would never do) he would say he didn't feel I loved him. And when I would ask how having an affiar helped he wouldn't answer me. He would sometimes say it was my fault because he has never cheated on anyone before> i later find out several people he was with before we met he cheated on and thats why they left him. I calls and calls and calls and I rarely answer his calls. When I do he blames me for whatever is going on in his life (I'm not apart of his life so how could I be to blame)? Then he'll say he's not a good parent because of me. When I ask how do I have control over what type of parent he is because I'm a good parent he says because I spend to much time with our son and he doesn't have a chance to. When I say things like you can spend time with him if you want he says he can't because he works. I'm sorry to babble but I am saying this to show that no matter what you do, or don't do you are somehow always going to be to blame for what happens in your bpso's life. I just stopped talking to mine altogether and can you belive that he contacts my family now to tell them how I am to blame for his actions??? Absurd isn't it. They are now beginning to see that he is very unstable and that he is suffering from a very REAL mental illness.
Been exactly where you are. I have found there is nothing to be done. I have had little contact and no influence on the life and activities of my bp ex wife in nearly 5 years. Yet over that time her life has devolved from one with a good job and active role in the lives of her children, passing through a stage with less good jobs and limited contact with her children, through another with no job and hardly any contact with her children and currently one in a mental institution with essentially no contact with her children. In reality, I had nothing to do with any of this process. She had eliminated me from her life (with the support of her therapists and attorneys) as being "controlling" prior to any of this happening. Yet I am still reasonably certain that in her spare time at the mental institution, with whatever mental capacity remains, she considers how I have ruined her life and have caused her to be there.
Nothing to be done. Reality is reality. Accept and move on is the only option. Really a terrible illness.
You are right, this is really an awful illness. And the amount of blame is intolerable. At times I wonder if the illness is REAL. I mean if they are able to take credit during times when they are happy or successful in their careers, how is it that they conveniently blame their SO's when they are unhappy and struggling in their careers? At times I have wondered if it was just immaturity. When my husband does well on the job (mostly when he is manic because of all the extra energy, decreased need for sleep etc.) he takes all the credit at how well he does on his job. However, when he experiences the rage and irratability of his mania and he starts having problems at work he says that it is one of two things 1. if he and I are on good terms I found out he would tell his boss and coworkers that I wanted him out of the field he was in and I wanted him to find a different job (I've never stated this to him before), or 2. if we are not getting along or separated its because we are having problems and he misses me. When he's depressed he tells them its because he misses me. When I ask him about 1. he states he never told anyone this but too many different people have said that he has. Its strange that they would rather blame someone else for their problems than try to get professional help and meds to help change their situation.
I too have wondered if the illness is real. I have also wondered who my ex bp spouse is at various times. Was I attracted to the person with BP? Was she not BP when I was attracted? Does the BP make her awful? Is she just awful with or without BP? I have certainly been confused on these questions.
All I can say is that the medical profession finally diagnosed her as BP - well after she had left me and also after 3 suicide attempts. She may have had others I don;t know about by now. She is involuntarily confined to a mental institution and is constantly attended due to the drs concerns that she may attempt suicide again. So it seems real. Something is real, very bad, damaging to my kids and my lives, and disastrous for her life. It matches the symptoms described for BP. More research and better understanding is clearly needed.
